Ways to Stand For

You’ve finally found it.

If you are looking for what to do right now to help you continue standing for your marriage:

  • even when you’ve lost all hope,
  • even when your spouse is gone,
  • even when everyone else is telling you to give up

Then you’ve found it.

This isn’t an all-inclusive list, but it’s pretty close.

Furthermore, this list wasn’t written by me. This list was not written by someone who overcame marriage crisis in the past. This was written by someone who is currently in the middle of fighting for her marriage, even though her spouse is gone.

Maybe your spouse is gone physically. Maybe your spouse is gone emotionally. It doesn’t matter, you fight for your marriage the same way.

This comes from someone fighting on the frontlines now. 

Here are 17 Ways to Stand for Your Marriage even When Your Spouse is Gone

1. It doesn’t always take two to save a marriage.

One may be out the door into the arms of another. It doesn’t mean the end. Focus on you. Change you. Get your groove back.

Work on your PIES (improving Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, Spiritually).

2. Understand feelings are fickle.

He/she says he/she doesn’t love you anymore (or loves you but isn’t in love with you).Just because he/she says that now, that doesn’t mean it will remain the same. Stand anyway and see #1.

3. You cannot control ANYONE but you.

He/she will make his/her own decisions, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. No amount of manipulation will stop it. Work on YOU. See #1.

4. You WILL get through this.

If you are a Christian, lean into Jesus and allow him to sustain you.

5. Divorce doesn’t necessarily mean the end.

There are many restoration stories that confirm this. If a divorce happens and you know you are meant to keep standing, then keep standing.

6. Get legal advice.

It does not mean you have to file, it does not mean it will end in divorce. Its wisdom to seek help in protecting you and any children.

7. Read, read, read the articles at MarriageHelper.com/articles/.

Listen to the podcasts on MarriageRadio.com. Get as much knowledge as possible on what is happening and why.

8. Recognize that your emotions are real and legitimate.

Recognize that acting out of those emotions could very well be a death sentence for your marriage. It’s HARD, but making decisions above your emotions is paramount.You might not be able to control what you feel, but you CAN control how to not let them rule you.

9. Be thankful.

There is always something to be thankful about, even in the midst of horrible circumstances. Being thankful changes your perspective and your mindset. Wallowing in despair won’t solve anything (I say this in love and understanding, because I know how gut wrenchingly awful this is).

10. Do not allow your spouse’s actions and words to determine your stance.

I say it a lot, but you have to keep looking UP and not at what he/she is doing. The wayward spouse is in a “fog” of sorts and most likely doesn’t even know what he/she wants.

We don’t know (and cannot judge) the heart, so it’s best to find your strength in God and keep on keeping on, no matter what the other does.

11. Time, time, time, time, time.

Let me say it again: TIME.

The victory will not be won in our timeframe. And when it doesn’t happen as quickly as you’d like, do not give up.

You will grow weary, you will want to give up, you will get hurt, you will want to walk away from it all from time to time.

Don’t.

Let God do what He needs to do in him/her and more importantly, in YOU. This journey isn’t easy, but God will sustain you if you keep looking to Him.

12. Feed your soul and spirit.

Find things that make you happy and DO THEM (exercising wisdom of course – do NOT go looking for another relationship, it will only complicate things significantly).

You can’t use the Word as a weapon of warfare (and this is a SPIRITUAL battle remember) if you don’t know it. Feed your spirit with the Word, with good teaching, with good books, with worship music. Even when you don’t feel like it. Allow it to build your faith.

13. Choose your counsel very wisely.

Most will NOT understand your stand. Most will (in love) try to dissuade you. You may lose friends or family over it.

Find those who are trustworthy that will stand and pray and believe with you.

14. Choose who you tell things to very carefully.

Don’t “poison the well”. Yes, he/she is doing the wrong thing and hurting you. Be the bigger person and don’t blab about it to everyone.

It may push your spouse further away and prevent his/her return. Its not worth it. Vent to God, write a journal, post in Marriage Helper’s private Facebook group filled with people standing for their marriage. See #13.

15. You can do this and your stand is WORTH IT.

Even if he/she doesn’t come back, you will grow. There are things you can only learn in the hard seasons. In the end, no matter what, you will be in a much better place in yourself if you do the right things. See #1.

16. Think about what you’re thinking about.

Are you dwelling on the negative, the lies of the enemy…or on the positive, on Truth? You cannot dwell on negativity and have a positive life. The battlefield is in the mind. See #12.

17. Don’t try to read into your spouse’s actions.

There is no logic. You will drive yourself crazy over analyzing. Worry about you. See #1.

Pretty powerful, huh?

The author of this list didn’t come up with this by herself, sitting alone in her house one day. She came to understand these 17 principles by surrounding herself with the people that encourage her to stand for her marriage and by investing herself (with finances and with time) in learning the best things that she could do to save her marriage.

That’s the importance of community.

That’s the community we provide at Marriage Helper.

So, if your spouse is completely done with your marriage, don’t do this alone. Don’t even attempt to. Join a community of people that will support you.

Save My Marriage

14 thoughts on “17 Ways to Stand For Your Marriage When Your Spouse is Gone

  • September 17, 2015 at 11:39 pm
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    Wow, this is awesome advise! For me, today is a good day because most importantly, I know God is in control. It is hard to go through this but there is no way I could without the help of God and His encouraging Word. I don’t know what will happen with my spouse but I do know that I have to give it to God. Patience in God’s timing, omnipresence and omnipotence is key!

    Reply
  • September 18, 2015 at 2:56 am
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    But what’s the point to still stay in the marriage if your spouse is gone?

    Reply
    • October 22, 2015 at 2:16 am
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      Because they won’t necessarily stay gone. Each person has to make up their own mind if it’s time to move on, but there have been restoration stories of people who had divorced. I know of a couple both who had had affairs, divorce and moved on. They are now happily married to each other again.

      Reply
  • September 19, 2015 at 1:05 pm
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    I’m asking the same question over and over especially when I want to give up. After that I realize it is just a fight against the devil who wants to destroy what God has made “marriage”. I want to keep fighting because I want to glorify the power of God’s word.” no one can’t separate what God has made together”. God is love and love never fails

    Reply
  • October 24, 2015 at 10:51 am
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    The devil put a wedge between my wife and I. It has become almost impossible to speak/communicate. Only when it is concerning our boys, ages 9 and 5. We never fought, argued, there was no infidelity….complacency set in our marriage. And when my wife told me almost a year ago today that she no longer loved me, it completely crushed me. I’ve gone through depression, almost lost my job….I continue to stand for my marriage. I understand that this is a spiritual war. I’ve never been in a battle like this, and I’ve been in ministry for a long time. She filed for divorce almost two months ago. I still continue to stand and believe for my marriage. Please help me pray.

    Reply
    • March 23, 2016 at 6:52 pm
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      Been there and i am doing it with God’s help. There is no magic answer we have seasons in our life we don’t understand. Stay with her support and pray for her. Don’t push don’t bring up in anything in the past be a new you..

      READ GOD’S WORD.

      Reply
    • April 29, 2017 at 8:45 pm
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      I know a couple that were in the courtroom and the judge was getting ready to hit the gavel and asked them if they wanted the marriage and they both said yes. They got back together and lived together for nine years before he died suddenly on New Years Day.

      Reply
  • December 30, 2015 at 4:52 am
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    The devil has also put a wedge between my wife and me, it’s called alcoholism ! My wife moved out four months ago the next day I entered AA and have been sober since. Two weeks ago my wife asked if she could move back in with our four year old girl, I was happy but I asked “why” she said it was for our child and I said great. I am a better person these days and progressing with the direction I would like to go however my wife is very irritable and says we are through that “we” are just room mates. My wife treats me awful however I owe it to trying to save our marriage because she put up with my crap for so long. She says I love you but you ruined me and I am not in love anymore !! I put God and myself first, I need help for myself before I can try to fix us. Any comments are welcome.

    Reply
    • May 8, 2016 at 3:45 am
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      Eric,
      Keep praying!!! I must do the same. I know it is a tough thing, but realize you are not alone. Like God says, many are going through the same sufferings as you. These sufferings can attack us in so many ways, one of which is to cause us to feel isolated. But this is not true, remember we are not alone in our sufferings, and if anything remember God is ALWAYS with us. He will also go ahead of you and prepare your path—but we must be willing to follow. He will also be your rear guard. This allows us to seek and look upwards. And when we can stand no longer, remember that you still have air in your lungs to call out to Him–even when you are on your knees in grief. Being in a tough place does not mean you are not in a good place. All things work for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose–as His word says. Stand on it, and stand firm.
      Love ya

      Reply
  • September 19, 2016 at 3:09 pm
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    Hello fellow marriage community, I too am going thru this painful test. And having been strategically placed to come across this website is only by the grace of GOD. My husband has not left but is planning to leave Oct 1, 2016. I was glad to see one of the ways was to not beg him to stay, which is confirmation! And the rest is just putting my entire being in trusting the LORD to do what He need to do on my behalf

    Reply
  • December 16, 2016 at 11:09 pm
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    I find myself in a situation like many of you. My wife divorced me 2 1/2 years ago and I still am standing for my marriage. I have to admit that I feel like giving up because the odd (in my opinion) are stacking against me. She seems to have really moved on and is in another relationship since. There were many things that lead me to think that I should fight for my marriage in the last 3 years but now its like there is nothing I can do but pray. I have worked on myself and have changed so much about me. I am even thinking about moving back to New York and starting my life again. This is very hard and I just don’t know when or if I should just say… “I love you but I am going to give me a chance, I’m letting you go” and do it. I pray God for answers, strength, and to guide my steps.

    Reply
    • December 19, 2016 at 6:02 pm
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      I am so sorry you are going through this.. I would encourage you to look into our Save My Marriage Course.. It’s an online course that will teach you how to talk to your spouse during this difficult time, how you can be a safe place, how you can find peace/happiness during this time & how you can create the environment to save your marriage.. Please let us know if you have any questions..

      Reply
  • April 21, 2017 at 5:34 pm
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    My husband hates me .He acts as if im disgusting to him..Im trying to understand why he feels how he feels about me and I’ve given him every bone qnd breath in my body..Heellpp mee!!

    Reply

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