For the sake of this article, let’s assume your spouse is right. You are bad in bed. (We’ll analyze the expectations of your spouse another day.)
Why are you bad?
Could it be inexperience? A newlywed following God’s plan for abstinence prior to marriage is working with a lot of unfamiliar equipment, both his and hers. This lack of experience can lead to mistakes and miscues.
Could it be the past? Past abuse or immorality can factor into marriage. A past with free sex can make monogamous sex within marriage seem less arousing.
Could it be physical pain? Intercourse may be painful due to a poor technique or due to a physical issue.
Could you be too Victorian? If you were raised in a home that stressed modesty and propriety, you may be bringing those characteristics to bed with you.
Could it be ignorance? “Really, you can do that?” Yep. And you and your spouse just might like it.
Could it be life issues? Is your life out of bed not that great either? Are you under an unusual amount of stress?
Why you need to improve
Some people would say you need to improve to keep your spouse from straying. I’m going to forego that reason and assume that your spouse is fully committed to you and would never stray no matter how bad you are in bed.
That said; if your spouse says you’re bad in bed, you need to improve. You married with the plan to stay monogamous for life. You are the only choice your spouse has for sex for a lifetime. Sex is intended to bring pleasure, satisfaction, and happiness. You want laughter, adventure, passion, and play in your sexual relationship.
Creating a loving sex life and then guarding it also increases the possibility that it will endure. Far too many marriages become sexless far too soon. Making the effort to improve your sex life communicates to your spouse that you value him/her and want him/her pleasured through your intimacy. Being confident, mature, and comfortable with sex is a mark of a man or woman who has moved out of childhood. There’s a lot of talk these days about the importance of being a lifelong learner. Why not make the sexual relationship with your spouse one of your lasting projects?
Strategies to improve
Get risky: Good-bye to the proper Victorian. A sexual relationship within marriage is a creative mix of tenderness, intensity, passion, romance, vigor, intimacy, and security. The reality of everything that must be risked in order for sex to occur is one of the factors that make a good relationship so rewarding.
Get talking: So this spouse that says you’re bad in bed, what exactly is the problem? Poor technique? Poor endurance? Too mechanical? As you explore, find a way to communicate what is pleasurable, what is permissible, and what makes you happy. Being good in bed is about being willing and able to accommodate your spouse and being patient and vulnerable as your spouse learns to read your sexual messages and invitations.
Get fit: Being fit allows for more flexibility. Many people feel more comfortable and confident in their bodies when they are fit. There is a strong connection between feeling comfortable and confident in your body and having good sex. So get to walking the dog around the block, let someone else eat that extra piece of cake, and drink plenty of water between meals.
Get educated: Having good sex may be a new skill for you. As with any new undertaking, it takes time and instruction. Read a few books—and I do recommend books on sexuality over websites. Reading about sexual techniques on the internet leaves a trail to and from sites you don’t want popping up randomly. Learn what can be done, and start practicing. There will be some trial and error. And what you might have performed perfectly may not be something your spouse enjoys. Take time. Create an arousing, pleasurable sex life for you and your spouse. If your sex life has wasted away to near nothing or worse, Joe Beam has an e-book that can be a tremendous help.
Get it together outside the bedroom: Work on the life issues that are getting in the way of connecting with your spouse. It could be scheduling, finances, kids, or addiction. Being joined in all aspects of life will facilitate being joined in bed and vice versa.
Marriage brings with it a host of tasks. In a satisfying marriage, your sexual relationship is one of these tasks. Be encouraged that you are fully equipped to be great in bed. While creating a pleasurable sexual relationship is not the easiest task, it is certainly one of the most gratifying and rewarding.
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