Bossy Spouse
by Joe Beam
Note: As you might imagine, this situation can happen with a husband or a wife being the one that is bossy. Question: Sometimes my husband tries to tell me how to do stuff and this really gets on my nerves; how can I tell him? Though it may appear minor, this indicates a possible major flaw in your relationship that can lead to extreme trouble. Often when one spouse continually tells the other what to do, or how to do it, he seldom realizes the destructive effect on the other. Every couple in crisis I have helped had one spouse attempting to control the other’s actions, thoughts, feelings, or beliefs, apparently never grasping the resentment swelling within the other until it finally exploded into rage, violence, adultery, separation, or a demand for divorce. Ephesians 4:29 provides the solution. In the NIV it says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Key on the last half of that sentence to get the point. In the Contemporary English Version it reads, “Say the right thing at the right time and help others by what you say.” In The Message it says, “Say only what helps, each word a gift.” Your reaction to your husband’s unwanted instructions make it clear that his unsolicited advice is not perceived by you as helpful, beneficial, filling your need, or a gift. We all occasionally interrupt our spouses, friends, and even complete strangers with our instructions, methodologies, or preferences. When we commit that all too human intrusion regularly with a specific person, whether we intend to or not, we communicate to that person that we feel he or she is not competent to think for him/herself. That molehill grows quickly into a mountain. In my work with families I hear bitter complaints about how demeaning it feels and how it crumples self-image. Teens resent parents who insist on making all their decisions for them; adults avoid elderly parents who try to direct their lives and criticize any deviance from their demands; singles drop out of relationships with boy- girlfriends who control; and marrieds gradually despise their spouses who act as parents rather than partners. While this may happen with either gender, I most often see it in the way a husband treats his wife. During our workshop for marriages in crisis, LovePath 911, wives drag me aside to tell me how their husbands constantly instruct them or discount their thoughts. It finally destroys their self-confidence. It’s not just that they are told how to do things, but what to think and even what to feel. If she says, “I like our new neighbors,” he responds, “How in the world can you think that! He’s an idiot; she’s a bigger idiot.” If she tells him she intends to vote for one candidate, he marshals his verbal skills to wear her down so that she agrees to vote for his choice. In nearly every disagreement, he wears her down until she capitulates outwardly, but rebels in her heart. I’ve heard many wives say, “He doesn’t have to agree with me. I’d be so happy if he just would say that he understands why I see it that way and accepts the fact that my way is just as good as his.” Usually, the woman telling me this sobs quietly, in unbelievable pain that her husband doesn’t even realize she feels. How do you fix it? These seven steps work well in answer to your question. Remember that in this process you must model for him what you want from him. You must say beneficial and helpful things to him, just as you want him to learn what words help and benefit you. Keep that in mind as you follow these steps.
Whatever you do, don’t put this conversation off, thinking it will get better on its own. Fix it now before it becomes a major problem in your marriage. For more information on our seminar for marriages in trouble, click here.
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