The Blueprint for Better Communication
Are You Sick of Fighting With Your Spouse?
My spouse and I constantly argue and nothing gets resolved. Eventually, he shuts down when I get so angry and he won’t talk anymore. What can I do to change this pattern because nothing is being resolved?
What’s occurring here is that you individually or both of you are doing something referred to as the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’. You are using contempt, criticism, stonewalling, or defensiveness. By so doing, rather than actually communicating with each other, you each get angrier. Therefore, when you show that anger and when you show that contempt and disdain for the other person, it’s not unusual for the other person to shut down. Shutting down, of course, never makes it better; it always makes it worse because then the other person’s anger or frustration is going to intensify.
You really need to learn what not to do when you argue. You need to have rules. These rules mean that when we disagree or argue, we’re going to be calm. Neither one of us is going to call the other names. We’re not going to bring up past events. And if one of us begins losing control of our emotions, then we will take a timeout for at least two hours before we come back to the subject.
Occasionally we know that some people will refuse to give the timeout because they don’t believe their spouse will ever come back to this subject at all. So again, when a couple makes the rules before they argue, one of the rules must be that you will come back to that subject. Now, if two hours is not workable because it may be at night, then we’ll bring it back up within a certain number of hours, the next morning or whenever it may be convenient. They are probably going to have to learn what not to do, what to stop, what to give up and if they stop doing that, then they can actually deal with these discussions as rational adults without being in opposition to each other, but instead trying to find a solution that both of them can live with. We cover that quite extensively in our Marriage Helper 911workshop and we will write more about that in future blogs, but the first thing you have to do is to stop hurting each other. If you don’t do that, you’re never going to resolve any conflict.
Joe, You mentioned the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. What does the research show about couples who have one or more of the four horsemen in their conflict resolution?
John Gottman from the Love Lab at the University of Washington is the one who writes about these Four Horsemen and has studied them the most. Let’s look at one of the Four Horsemen, criticism. There’s a difference in criticism and a complaint. A criticism says that something is wrong with you. A complaint says this is something I’m not happy with. For example, let’s take something silly, like a person leaves a door open. If you say, “I’m not happy you left the door open”, that’s a complaint and that’s okay. Criticism says, “Were you brought up in a barn? Shut the door!” That then is criticism or contempt, which communicates to the other person – through either your words, your tone of voice, your facial expressions like rolling your eyes or using hostile humor – that I disdain you, I look down on you.
Another of the Four Horsemen, defensiveness, would be me communicating to you, “Do you think something is wrong with me? Let me tell you what’s wrong with you.” And thenstonewalling is when the other person just stops and completely shuts down. They let you know that they are not participating in this conversation anymore.
Now, intuitively, some people would think, “Well, that will make things better”. Inevitably, it makes things worse if the other person is still involved in the conflict. When one of you completely shuts down and the other is still involved in the conflict then the typical reaction is to escalate in order to get back at their spouse. Gottman’s research indicates that if people use these Four Horsemen, then their likelihood of divorcing is over 80%. This research is also based on measuring how quick a couple begins using one or all of the Four Horsemen. If they use the Horsemen quickly in the argument, their likelihood of divorcing is over 80%.
And the research also proves that even if they don’t solve anything else in their marriage, if they just stop using the horsemen, they can dramatically decrease the likelihood that their marriage will end in divorce.
Want More Help with these 4 Communication Killers?
Read below on how you can stop these communication killers for only $12.
Here is how you can stop doing the things that are ruining your marriage and start the road to saving your marriage.
Are you tired of fighting with your spouse? Are you sick of non-stop arguments that only make your marriage worse and NEVER solve the actual issues going on in your marriage?
Have you realized that sometimes you and your spouse don’t even start a conversation intending to argue, but along the way something happens that just sets one of you off?
It doesn’t matter if you have been married 4 weeks or 45 years…if you are engaging in destructive communication patterns with your spouse - IT WILL ONLY MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE WORSE.
FACT: FIGHTING DOES NOT DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE. The WAY that you communicate when you fight destroys your marriage.
That’s right…you may think that couples who never fight always get along and have an awesome marriage. But it’s actually unhealthy to be in a marriage without conflict.
Conflict is completely natural. The reason that conflicts can tear couples apart is because many couples fight the wrong way. Instead of engaging in communication where they try to see the other person’s point of view in order to negotiate and find a common agreement, couples TEAR EACH OTHER APART.
In fact, research has shown that there are FOUR THINGS that most people do in their marriage that can predict the couples’ probability of divorcing. That means that if you and/or your spouse do any of these 4 behaviors while you are fighting - it actually gives a VERY GOOD CHANCE that your marriage is being destroyed.
Just STOPPING those 4 behaviors can decrease your likelihood of divorce DRAMATICALLY.
Can you see why knowing what things are destroying your marriage can actually be a HUGE step in saving your marriage?
So how do you learn, IN DEPTH, about each of these behaviors?
How do you find out which ones you might actually be doing in your own marriage?
Is there a system that can teach you how to STOP these 4 behaviors?
There is, and that’s exactly what this page is all about…
The "Kill the 4 Communication Killers" Achievement Plan
We interact with thousands of people each month who are experiencing intense problems in their marriage. We found that many people in this kind of marriage crisis have great difficulty communicating with their spouse.
So rather than let all these people continue doing the things that are just making their marriage worse, we got to work…
In addition to working with many couples in our monthly marriage workshops who we have real life experience in saving their marriages, we also consulted with the best scholarly research that addresses how to communicate well with your spouse.
When we were finished, we were left with a simple, easy-to-follow plan that teaches you how to ACHIEVE the results you are looking for in eliminating communication killers.
Here's a sampling of what's covered in the online video series:
- Learn the 4 things that are destroying your relationship right now (WARNING: You are definitely doing AT LEAST one of these things right now).
- In-depth assessments help you understand which of the 4 behaviors you are doing
- Learn how to stop engaging in any of these four behaviors instead of letting them fester and grow
- Figure out your body’s physiological response and why it is so important to know when to take a time-out!
- Learn how to create rules for when your communication turns into conflict
- Watch by yourself or with your spouse…it works either way!
- Invitation to participate in our private online Facebook community
- Downloadable worksheets to work through and apply the content of the achievement plan
…and soooo much more.
Personally, I wouldn’t even speak with my spouse again without having a proven, step-by-step guide to follow that will eliminate the communication killers in my marriage.
I mean it…
(Bonus: this stuff also applies to how you communicate with your children, family, friends, etc…)
At Marriage Helper, we’ve already worked with thousands of people that have been in your exact situation.
They want to save their marriage, but they SERIOUSLY doubt that there is any hope because they can’t even talk to their spouse without serious communication problems…
That’s why we want to document WHAT WORKS into simple, easy-to-follow execution plans so that we can help save millions of marriages across the WORLD.
And I want to help save your marriage, too.
People have paid us thousands of dollars for us to teach them how to stop doing the things that are destroying their marriage.
I’m serious…thousands. Because when your marriage is falling apart, every penny you have is worth saving your marriage.
Literally, you can have one of those fancy coffees at Starbucks and an overpriced fruit cup or you can start doing the things you need that will transform your communication with your spouse.
The choice is yours…
Click the “Add To Cart” button and start transforming your marriage within 5 minutes…
Frequently Asked Questions
Still sitting on the fence? Here are answers to some of the most commonly asked questions...
What's an Achievement Plan?
It’s not quite a course and it’s definitely not just an ordinary video or guide…
…an Achievement Plan is more like a “lesson on steroids!”
Here’s how it works:
In the last 20 years my team and I have worked with and saved thousands of marriages through:
Private, personalized consultations that cost $$$$ per day…
Live, in-person workshops with thousands of couples…
Well over a thousand people (in only 5 months) in our private Facebook group…
Over 50,000 people that visit our website every month for articles, podcasts, and marriage help
…all through our courses and seminars presented worldwide.
And along the way we have perfected a large number of strategies and tactics. More importantly, like any good scientists, we DOCUMENT each strategy in step-by-step “Achievement Plans” so the tactics that have helped people save their marriages can be documented and presented to people ACROSS THE WORLD needing marriage help.
They’re all meat and no fluff. If you want backstory and theory, go read an article. Achievement Plans are all about taking action and start doing the things you need to do RIGHT NOW to save your marriage.
If you’re thinking “$12…what’s the catch?” then here are three reasons that should put your mind at ease:
It would take at least two $150 counseling sessions to cover the amount of material that we cover in this Achievement Plan.
$12 is affordable for everyone. No matter what your situation is, even if you have to reach deep in your pockets, $12 is affordable for everyone who is READY and WILLING to start doing what it takes to save their marriage.
It weeds out the freebie-seekers. We only want people seriously wanting to save their marriage, who take action, and in our experience charging anything…even if it’s just $1…gets rid of 99% of the people who don’t really want to do what it takes or make the commitment needed to save the marriage.
This Achievement Plan is worth more than double this price, and it will eventually be changed to fit that price. However, I wanted to get this into the hands of as many people as possible before making that change… so you get to benefit from my desire to get thousands of people’s feedback 🙂
We also believe that once you experience this Achievement Plan, you’ll want more and maybe…just maybe…you’ll come back and join our Save My Marriage course where you will get more than 100x the amount of information to not only help save your marriage…but to help save your sanity.
But that’s it…
No fine print…no “hidden trials”…no shenanigans. Just the information you need and that really works.
Is there a guarantee?
Everything we do has the Marriage Helper guarantee.
We cannot guarantee that this video series will save your marriage. No one can give you that guarantee. But if you are not satisfied with this product, let our team know, and we will do what we can to make it right.
How long will it take to get access to this Achievement Plan?
Your login and access information will be sent to the email address you provide.