HOW TO END AN AFFAIR

You are not quite sure how you got yourself into the affair, and even less sure about how to get out of it.

You love your paramour but hate the sneaking and cheating. You vacillate between ending the forbidden relationship and giving yourself totally to it. You feel intense emotions for your lover, but even as you tell yourself…or your lover…that everything is going to be wonderful, deep within a small voice says that it will not be.

When together with your lover, you feel an amazing blending of ecstasy and peace.

When alone, you feel guilt-ridden. Sadness and shame surface sporadically because you have not defeated your feelings of guilt about what you are doing. Instead, your own morality and integrity have tunneled deep inside you to war with your soul.

Your conscience wants to end the affair while your heart finds incredible fulfillment in the illicit relationship.

Earlier you tried a few times to end the relationship, but each time your willpower faded and your emotions drug you back. You felt responsible for your lover; you feared that they would be decimated, or get sick, or lose everything if you went away. At times, you feared that if you ended the relationship, your lover would be so distraught that they might destroy you, your reputation, your family, or your finances. Though you wanted to do the right thing, ending the relationship was too difficult emotionally, mentally, or physically. With time, you gave up the idea of ending it and evolved into the situation that now controls you.

Secretly, you wish that your dilemma would somehow resolve itself without your having to do anything. You find yourself thinking that if your lover would walk away, you could get past this, but the idea of losing your lover terrifies you. If either or both of you are married, sometimes you think that if your spouse or your lover’s spouse found out, everything would be resolved without your having to make hard decisions. The situation would be bad for a while, but you would accept whatever path available to you after the shouting subdued. Maybe that would mean staying with your spouse. Maybe it would mean divorce occurs and you could be with your lover. Maybe it would mean being alone, but even that sometimes seems a better state than what you are in now.

Though you do not wish to admit it, occasionally you fantasize about your spouse or your lover’s spouse having a car accident, or dying from some natural cause. That would make things easy. Your children, friends, church, and everyone else would be by your side in mourning, and later all would rejoice in your marriage to your paramour. No one would ever know about the affair.

Those fantasies make the guilt worse. Sometimes you wonder if you are the same person you used to be, or even if you know who you are.

You may feel great love and trust for your paramour, but deep within there is fear.

You fear the future without your lover. You fear your future with your lover.

You fear losing your children. You fear what you are becoming, and fear that you will never again be who you were. You fear God. You fear that if you do not end the affair, you will lose connection with certain family members and friends.

In contrast, you fear that if you end the affair, you will never feel this level of deep love ever again. You fear that this is your one chance in life to have what others may only dream, and that opportunity will never come a second time. You fear that if you abandon your lover, some other person will come into their life and have all the happiness and fulfillment that could have been yours.

During all the indecisiveness, one thing remains constant. The affair.

Each day you enmesh yourself more. Each day you feel a little less guilty, a little more assured that this is the right path for you. Each day you become a little more insulated against anyone that could hold you back from the new relationship—spouse, children, friends, church—and each day become a little more absorbed into life with your lover.

How is this going to end?

What will your future be?

Three Possible Paths

Any person’s life potentially has myriad paths and possibilities. However, it is likely that your future has one of three possibilities.

  • You will continue in your ambivalent state until someone else makes the decision that will set the path for the rest of your life.
  • You will commit to a relationship with your lover and trade your current life for one with him or her.
  • You will end the affair in time possibly to restore your life as it was.

Someone Else Makes the Decision

If you continue indecisively, eventually something will happen. Sometimes affairs go on for years, but that is rare, and they never go on forever.

The greatest likelihood is your affair will be discovered.

No matter how careful or cautious, ultimately you or your lover will make a mistake. A forgotten text, a mislaid note, a suspicious sighting of the two of you together, or a thousand other things can happen. When that occurs, you will have no control over what happens next. If you are married, or if your lover is married, hurt spouses will take charge. Friends, family, and acquaintances will enter the fray, each with their own opinion about what you have done and what should be done to you.

Though you may believe that if that were to happen, it would be better than the situation you now have, it will not be. You may well lose your fortune, your family, your reputation, your friends, and your self-respect. Facing angry spouses flanked by modern-day-gladiators we call lawyers is a very unpleasant and expensive experience, financially and emotionally.

You may think that people who love you now will love you just as much if they discover your affair. Prepare to be let down.

You Commit to Your Lover

In an affair, at least one of the lovers is in a committed relationship with someone else, such as a spouse or fiancé. Therefore, an affair is illicit because it violates an existing relationship. Ending your existing relationship to be with your lover means betraying the promises and commitments you made to your current partner: Or your lover betraying promises and commitments to their partner.

If others are part of the relationship you end, you change forever the nature of your relationship with them. You may still be a parent, but you will not be a parent in the same way as when you and your spouse both lived together with your children. You may still care about your in-laws, but they will no longer be your relatives. You may enjoy mutual friends, but the ones who feel they should support your abandoned partner rather than you will never be as close again.

In time, you will learn that the new relationship is not as perfect, wonderful, or fulfilling as you had imagined. Every relationship brings its own set of problems and miseries. If you are similar to most, when you finally face all that you lost to have a committed relationship with your lover, the stresses and difficulties that normally attend that relationship will be magnified by your sense of what it cost you emotionally, financially, spiritually, and physically.

There is a reason that those who divorce their spouses to marry a lover have a much, much higher rate of divorce. Sadly, each one of them thought they were going to be the exception.

End the Affair

There is great value in living consistently with your beliefs and values. It isn’t always easy—actually, it may at times be quite difficult—but the consequences make it worthwhile.

If you truly believed that your affair is right, and that being with you lover is your best future, you likely would not be reading this article. You probably are reading this because you want peace again. Peace throughout your entire being—heart, mind, and soul. Peace that comes from knowing that you are being who you really are and doing what you know is the right thing to do.

Thinking about staying in your current marriage or relationship may be painful, but most of that has to do with your having rewritten history. Nearly everyone in an affair does. You’ve mentally exacerbated the bad times and faded the good ones. You’ve misplaced the memories of the happiness you’ve had together and enthroned the nastiness. However, your mind is playing tricks on you to make your current actions doable. The spouse or partner you may be vilifying now can be the one you love more than any other, but that can only happen if you choose to end the affair and do the right things.

If you end the affair now, you may well have a chance to save your marriage or current relationship. Actually, not to save it but to make it better. If it were everything that it should be, you likely would not have entered the affair. However, all that can be overcome and you can build a relationship that will be better than you ever imagined.

How To End the Affair and Save Your Existing Relationship

The first step to ending an affair is to make a firm decision that you ARE ending it. If there is anyone you trust, tell that person what you are doing and that you have decided to end it. Let them become your support, you encourager, and, if necessary, your courage.

The second step is to end the affair NOW. Do not put it off because of a special day coming up, or to find a better situation, or to make it easier on your lover, or any other reason. Hesitation devastates. Act now.

The third step is to tell the lover that it is over. Whether you do it face-to-face or by a handwritten letter, do not go into explanations. Do not talk it over with your lover. Do not express love, loyalty, or longing. Make it quick, to the point, and without discussion. Sound harsh if need be. Any other approach will cause your lover to maintain hope that you will change your mind, and that is the cruelest thing you can do. End it quickly and sharply and then end all contact. THAT is an act of caring and love.

The fourth step is to tell your current partner, if you are in a committed relationship, that you have been unfaithful, that it is over, and that you wish to make your relationship work. There are situations where this is not wise, but most often it is. Use the following three criteria to decide:

  1. Confess if your current partner has ever asked about the affair and you lied.
  2. Confess if your partner has any possible way of discovering your affair. (As much as it will hurt to hear it from you, it will hurt much worse to hear it from someone else.)
  3. Confess if you have emotions that potentially will keep you from developing closeness with your partner. If you feel guilt, shame, regret, fear, anger, resentment, or anything else that negatively affects your relationship with your current partner, they have the right to know what it is and why it exists.

The fifth step is to make sure that you have no further contact with your former lover. Do whatever you need to do to make it impossible for the two of you to communicate. Change cell phone numbers. Remove Facebook friends. Change email addresses. If necessary, change jobs. In extreme situations, change cities. Further contact will very likely lead to more involvement. That hurts everyone. Now that you have made the decision and are doing the right thing, do NOT allow yourself to fall into any situation to hurt anyone again. Not your spouse, partner, children, family, church…or your former lover.

The sixth step is to seek the right help to make your current relationship better. If it were all that it needed to be, you probably would not have had the affair. This is not to blame your spouse/partner, or to blame you. No blame is needed. There is a weakness and that needs to be rectified. Seek a counselor, a mentor couple, or an intense workshop that will help both of you:

  • Understand how the affair happened.
  • Repair your relationship.
  • Facilitate forgiveness.
  • Develop a great future together.

The seventh step is to help rescue others who are in affairs. When you heal your marriage or relationship, you will be in a unique position to help others struggling to end their affairs. You will not have to seek them out; they will instinctively find you. When they do, guide them through making the right decision and following through with the right steps.

To learn more about saving your marriage, check out our free articles or get more information on an intensive weekend workshop for marriages in crisis.

If you cannot attend the Marriage Helper 911 workshop, then the Save My Marriage program will be your best option.

Save My Marriage Email Banner 2



48 thoughts on “How to End an Affair with Someone You Love

  • April 29, 2016 at 4:08 pm
    Permalink

    Wow… this is spot on! Very insightful post.

    Reply
    • April 29, 2016 at 6:51 pm
      Permalink

      Thank you, Tia!

      Reply
    • October 1, 2017 at 2:15 am
      Permalink

      I agree!! Very insightful!

      Reply
  • May 5, 2016 at 7:38 am
    Permalink

    This seems to be very text book orientated, where the personal feelings of those involved, have tended to be left out …..

    Reply
    • June 25, 2016 at 2:35 pm
      Permalink

      It’s never easy to just walk away.. If you have heart inside your chest.. I agree with the fact that affair is like an addiction.. Going cold turkey will make you go crazy . Maybe not for the person that ended it but definitely for the person on the receiving end of it.. Especially if they didn’t see it coming.. It can be devastating.. So please if you want to end an affair do it with intergrity and keep it in mind that the person could turn on you and show up at your door step and then what u gonna do.. So be kind cause it took two get into the situation get out with respect.

      Reply
      • August 29, 2017 at 7:00 am
        Permalink

        This is very true. The only thing keeping me in the affair is the fear of how she will react. I know for sure that it will not be pretty and it won’t escape the attention of my wife.
        My lover was once a very sweet lady but after a few months together her rude, possessive and combative side has finally taken centre stage. I just want to end things peacefully and move on but I have no doubt that blood will be filled in the process. Am really in a big fix and I’m really scared.

        Reply
  • July 16, 2016 at 4:06 am
    Permalink

    Has anyone ever been in this situation. I’m going through it now and need some advise desperately ! Im married. But in love with someone else. And he is crazy in love with me. I love him but know I need to save my marriage. I’m so scared of hurting him. He’s very sensitive and really thinks I’m the one. I also think that to at times it then come down to reality . I moved to another state for my husband. And I’m going back to tell my lover .. That it’s over . Although the I love him dearly .

    Reply
    • July 20, 2016 at 5:41 pm
      Permalink

      Thank you for taking time to share with us.

      Read our articles on Limerence.

      I feel it would offer you some insight into what you are going through.

      Reply
    • March 15, 2017 at 3:44 pm
      Permalink

      You’re not the only one facing this situation. I am a married man in love with a married woman. We both love our respective spouses and family. It’s been 5 years now, still we are not able to pull out completely. Though we are trying not to call and see each other it is difficult when we do. We get physical sometimes which is very rare. We wish to be friends without hurting none.

      Reply
    • September 22, 2017 at 7:37 pm
      Permalink

      I now exactly how you feel my lover has just ended our affair after 25 years because I couldn’t leave my wife. But I love her so much why do I feel so terrible and why couldn’t I leave when the feelings and sexual chemistry were so strong

      Reply
  • August 21, 2016 at 11:55 am
    Permalink

    I’m sitting in a parking lot at 7:40am on a Sunday having just left my house with the agreement with my spouse that I would not live there now until we resolve things. I’ve had an affair, a deep one. I am guilt ridden and disgusted with my actions and have ruined my family including hurt my 3 beautiful and loving daughters. I searched articles on affairs and affects on children and came across this article. It brought me to tears in its accuracy. It was as if someone followed my affair and documented it.
    Amazing writing and spot on with all.
    Unfortunately, although tried a few times, I was not adult enough to end it before my spouse found the all telling text that I was so used to careful with calculation deleted on prior times.
    After a few minutes of pathetic denials and lying again, I saw the pain in my spouses face and came clean on everything. It was brutal for all and in every way.
    I ended e.the affair much in the way this article states to do so but I am devastated at hurting her as well. I changed my cell number and cut all ties. I knew in my heart this was the right thing to do whether my spouse and I would get back together or not.
    I need to heal and find myself as much as potentially heal my marriage. Now since my spouse has given the chance I have moved out but we are trying to repair and assess whether we can move forward. Never in my life that I see myself in a situation and in retrospect look back at how innocently it started and then when it became overtime, quickly. It may sound sappy but this article actually speaks to it as well in that I feel as humans we are all programmed to receive love and affection and give the same no matter how busy or hectic our lives become. I feel as though when the body does not feel this and because none over a long period of time at seeks it out elsewhere. That said, some people, other than myself or stronger and can weather that storm and get through it. I failed at that. I appreciate the authors taking the time to write this article so accurately as it touchdown every part of my affair in the exact progression it happened. if I could go back and not do it I would but part of me hopes that it gives me a chance to have a new life with my spouse and one that will be better than ever.

    Reply
    • August 30, 2016 at 3:02 pm
      Permalink

      Hi Vincent-

      First off, I am so sorry you & your family are going through this. We know how hard it is on every one. We are here to help you all. Secondly, thank you for your honesty. We would LOVE to see you and your wife at our workshop. You will both have an amazing story to tell of reconciliation.

      Thinking of you both during this time. If you need extra support please join our Facebook Group- Save My Marriage.

      Blessings

      Reply
  • October 11, 2016 at 6:54 pm
    Permalink

    This article definitely hit home pretty strongly. I worked with my OW (who is also married). It all started as very simple friendship. For years, we were very simply friends. Others at work would joke with us that we were having an affair and we would just laugh it off. For more than 5 years, of friendship, there wasn’t a romantic element in any sense between the two of us. Around the same time, both of us seemed to cross some line. This went on for about a year or so. At multiple points, she said that she wanted to end it. But each time, she would come to my office and each time, the relationship would progress further. The last time that she said she wanted to end it, it felt different. It seemed like she meant it.

    I was devastated but deep down, I wanted to end it to because it was exhausting mentally…the fear of loss, the constant thinking about her, never knowing if this was it. If she had asked, though, I would have left everything for her. Still, after her last time of telling me she wanted to end it, little things she did suggested otherwise. Messages on linkedin…random conversations at work…a hug after her dog had to be put to sleep…

    It was too much for me this time, though. I couldn’t handle it. I was beginning to realize that while she wanted to work things out with her husband, she wanted to keep me hanging on just enough in case things didn’t work out. The problem is that I couldn’t be that. Ultimately, deep down, I want to be happy with my wife. I want her to be the one that I dream with and about. She was at one time but 3 kids later…there doesn’t seem to be anything left in her tank for me. But I hope that there can be.

    I finally put foot down with the other woman and said that all contact – unless it’s absolutely necessary at work – has to stop. I’m not her friend, I’m not going to the be the backup, and that I want to be happy…with my wife. I do not want to leave my job so I had a talk with my boss who was OK with me working from home for a while.

    The problem is that I miss the OW. I miss the rush and feeling of being desired. I also miss the 5 years of friendship we had. I miss talking so deeply about random things. I just miss…her.

    Even worse, I am terrified that my hope of my wife being the fun, passionate, and affectionate person she once was is the wrong choice. She has been genuinely trying but I am stuck in this place where it feel so disingenuous. I can feel that she doesn’t want to do these things…she is just willing to. I suppose there is genuineness in the fact that she is trying but I miss that look in her eyes that says she loves me more than any word could ever say. I could go on and on but I feel like this reply is already way too long.

    I guess what I really want to know is if the pain/missing and the desire for the fantasy of what could have been with the OW ever really goes away. More importantly does the spark, fire, passion ever come back with the wife.

    Reply
    • October 12, 2016 at 2:55 pm
      Permalink

      Good morning, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. We know how hard it is. You and your wife CAN get that spark/fire/passion back!!! Dr. Beam formulated a “path” to do it as well.. Check out our Path To Soul Satisfying Love.. I really feel that it would help you and your wife! Please click here for more information on it!

      Reply
    • January 10, 2017 at 10:34 am
      Permalink

      Hi Mike,

      I would really like to know how things turned out with your wife?

      I’m in the same spot you were in October.

      Reply
    • April 19, 2017 at 6:31 pm
      Permalink

      HI! i am in a similar situation and almost ready to break up with my AP. I am having the exact same feeling like you do. How did it go with u?

      Reply
  • November 10, 2016 at 2:41 am
    Permalink

    This article is spot on. It’s as if you’ve been inside my heart and mind for the almost 3 years of my extramarital affair….and put it all my confusion and emotion into words that make sense. I’m so glad I found this article….I can see much clearer through my rose colored glasses. Thank you.

    Reply
  • November 29, 2016 at 4:54 am
    Permalink

    I cannot believe how spot on this article is. As I was reading it, I felt as it was written directly for me and almost felt like someone had been watching me for the last two and a half years that I have been in this illicit relationship.
    I have a lot of questions for the people who have been successful at letting go and ended their extra matrimonial relationship.
    1. Where do I find the strength to end this addicting relationship? I’m interested in a real answer vs a faith based one (I apologize in advance. Not my intention to offend anyones religious beliefs)
    2. Was it really worth it? In my case, no one has ever been so attentive or done something truly special for me as much as this person has.
    3. How can you fall back in love with your spouse? When the main reason of looking somewhere else was their lack of love and respect.
    4. Is it true that letting them go even when is so painful to both involved is a sign of love?
    5. Have you truly found peace?
    6. Could you really erase all the memories to be able to move on?

    Reply
    • June 27, 2017 at 10:04 pm
      Permalink

      Natalie, I’m where you were at in November. What helped the most with moving on and getting over your affair? The pain is so deep right now having just ended our year long affair five days ago. I want to fall in love with my husband again.

      Reply
  • January 1, 2017 at 12:43 am
    Permalink

    I am so happy this article was created, I am in so much pain trying to move on. My wife knows nothing of my afair and my outside partner knows nothing of me being married. My partner is tired of my lies when we can’t see each other and told me to leave her alone and I’m struggling. I suffer with anxiety attacks and can’t shake it off because we both were in to deep.

    Reply
  • January 10, 2017 at 10:02 pm
    Permalink

    I agree, this is a great article. I too also want to find answers similiar to Natalie’s post. I have been in a relationship with someone for over 4 years. This person doesnt know that I’m married and my spouse doesnt know I’m having an affair. We both truyly love each other, we have plans to move in together. There were multiple times I tried to end it but it all failed until 4 days ago and it was over. The pain is so much that I cant eat, sleep or function regularly. I’m so tempted to pick up the phone and make the call to reconcile but each time, I forced myself to think of my spouse and kids. To top off, I’m ashamed to tell anyone so I’m pretty much in this alone. I walk around carrying a fake smile but in reality I’m dying inside. I tell myself each time i have no one to blame but myself and I have to work through it but honestly, it’s been 4 days and I’m as miserable as hell and not sure how i can get through it all. I went online looking for support group so I can chat but I havent found any good ones. If anyone knows, please share. I like to know how i can cope with this pain and move on.

    Reply
    • January 11, 2017 at 3:55 am
      Permalink

      Good evening,

      You could join our Save My Marriage Facebook Group.. It is a group of people who are fighting to save their marriages. There are people who have been in VERY similar situations as yours as well that can relate and understand your walk..

      Reply
  • January 30, 2017 at 5:25 am
    Permalink

    I am like most on here. I confessed to my wife in April of 2016. I was cornered and I could not lie my way out of it. It’s been a long process but my wife has forgiven me. But I am going crazy because I cannot stop loving the woman I fell in love with. She is everything I wanted in a woman that I wanted in my wife for so long. For many years I wanted things from my wife that she refused to pay attention to. And when I found it in another woman it was magical. I fell hard. And I can’t get over her and go back to living the old way.

    Reply
  • February 13, 2017 at 3:53 pm
    Permalink

    I am struggling over not only having been unfair to my husband, and since my guilt drove me to voluntarily tell him, I am also dealing with the aftermath of the devastation of my ex-lover of our sort of mutual break-in. It is horrible because I realize that I gave this other man a piece of my heart. He sort of contacted me a week ago, making me miss HIM again. Missing that attention and affection my spouse was not giving me! Why am I having a hard time getting over my ex-lover than appreciate the changes and support my HUSBAND is trying G to give me? I hate myself for this! I am counseling with my Pastor. At times I feel it’s not enough and I have gotten myself crazy! I need help.

    Reply
  • February 27, 2017 at 12:20 pm
    Permalink

    This article hit home for me. I’ve been married for 16 years, there is no romance in the marriage any more, it’s very boring, and when I tried talking to him about it, he just said well maybe we should have just kept dating, he doesn’t want to work on it, I love my husband and would like to be able to get back some excitement in our marriage. I have been seeing this guy l work with, at first my intention were to Just have sex and only sex, but then we started going out, texting all day and night he even gave me a key to his house. I feel so quilt what I am doing, I tried to end this affair before, but I keep going back to the lover. HELP

    Reply
    • February 27, 2017 at 6:14 pm
      Permalink

      I am so sorry you are going through this.. We understand your side of things as well..

      Have you looked into our Affair Toolkit/Marriage Recovery Series??

      Reply
  • March 10, 2017 at 2:38 pm
    Permalink

    What if the person you’ve had an affair with will be going back to their wife but NOT be telling them the truth that they’ve had an affair?
    They are moving away and all of that and have told me it’s over but said they will never tell ever and spend their life trying to make up for the guilt and shame and what they’ve done / yet secretly.
    ?

    Reply
    • March 10, 2017 at 6:12 pm
      Permalink

      You can give him the tools to tell his wife… Here is a great article on how to tell a spouse you have had an affair without losing your marriage. http://www.marriagehelper.com/how_to_confess_an_affair.php

      We do not encourage that anyone outside of the marriage gets involved with informing the other spouse of the affair. That is the spouse’s responsibility.

      Reply
  • March 31, 2017 at 9:54 am
    Permalink

    I met a friend abroad I have pretty much been in love with her my whole life but in my head as I had not seen her for 15 years. We met, we have been intimate since and I love her like I always thought I would. My wife and I have been married for 8 months but we have been together for 10 years we have a child together and properties we are not rich but we’ll off. I have been hoping for the situation to run its course so I did not have to choice between them, as I thought if it was not my choice then it would be the right one lol I know it makes no sense. I have read the article and I believe I have to end it with the one that I have loved all my life the one, so that I can stay with my wife and family it has got to the point that I had hoped that I would die in a car accident so that I didn’t have to make the choice. Please tell me when I split this affair that it is the right choice for me.

    Reply
    • April 6, 2017 at 7:18 pm
      Permalink

      Good afternoon, I am so sorry you are going through this.

      My heart breaks for you..

      (I think I may have responded to another comment you had yesterday.)

      We can’t tell you if what you are doing is the right or wrong choice. That is something you will have to determine…

      This is the article I would recommend you to read.. The next step I would recommend would be marriage coaching or The Decision Point Course.

      Please let me know if we can help with anything.

      If you are feeling suicidal, please do not take this lightly. Seek professional help ASAP.

      Reply
  • April 1, 2017 at 4:03 pm
    Permalink

    I put my story on here and they didn’t even post it I ended the affair now she will tell the wife thanks for not postig I really needed advice

    Reply
  • April 16, 2017 at 1:11 am
    Permalink

    God bless you! This is awesome. Wow!

    Reply
  • April 21, 2017 at 7:08 pm
    Permalink

    She didn’t tell my wife she us a class act not like me. I feel so low but I know I have made her feel worse.
    I know I love her but can’t be with her, it’s to late now anyway I hate life at the moment even though I have everything only you came back to see if my post had been posted.
    she put something up on viber that made me cry a quote that sumed it up realy.
    anyway time to put on my big boy pants and get on with life everyone says don’t leave your wife I hope there right.
    The weird thing is when she said she was going to tell my wife I kind of wanted her to.
    Regards
    Gareth

    Reply
  • May 2, 2017 at 5:36 am
    Permalink

    I’ve become a fool I believe. 47 years of marriage and in an extramarital affair for 30 of those years. His wife died three years ago and he has started dating. We have come to say we love each other. Yet, he has told me he wants a “legitimate” woman to “be seen with around town” with although he maintains that I am the “gold standard” and we continue to see each other almost weekly. He wants a girlfriend that he can be social with. My position does not allow that. It’s rather parallel to him still being married. That’s what I keep telling myself to keep from being hurt when he tells me about the lovely dinner he has had with a woman he has started dating. I’m just not sure I have the energy for all of this anymore……

    Reply
  • May 22, 2017 at 8:18 pm
    Permalink

    I have read most of the responses and can’t help but place my situation in the same mold. I too have had an affair with a women who I believe I love for seven years. We have tried to stop she even changed jobs but we gravitate back to one another. We ended our relationship recently because she got tired of waiting. I’m currently still married but separated.. My affair partner ants me to have an attorney and plan , but I am in no rush to make such a life impacting decision. I do miss her as she was my best friend. So for selfish reason i miss her. I decided to let her go this time for good and hope that if the stars align our paths will cross again or not… I am good with this since my affair partner has three great kids. I don’t want to do anything that will cause harm to their mother and in anyway take away from their interaction. I believe that our constant break ups and stress is just adding to the challenge of being a mom. I don’t want to cause any more damage than i have already done. I’m not sure if it will work out with my wife I think we just grew apart and I’m just not interested. I do owe it to her to try…

    Reply
  • June 16, 2017 at 12:56 pm
    Permalink

    I met a girl same age as me. We started talking and clicked instantly. We have been on and off for 4 years. My wife knows about her and told me to keep away. And i kept it more secretively. 2 weeks ago we slept together. Now i feel bad. Worse then before. I have always felt guilty. But not as guilty after having sex. I took her virginity. I want to continue seeing her and actually have something more with her. But i feel guilty. My wife doesnt know we slept together. But she was crying. I think she knows i still have contact with her. How can i comfort her while im the one that made her cry. I made her cry for many reasons. I feel like disappearing. I dont know what to do. I dont want to divorce anymore. Im afriad i will loose my family forever. My wife used to be my best friend. I dont know how i even got to this point so fast. Im feeling depressed and i have thought about commiting suicide a few times. Im the one thats been causing all of this. I dont know how to break it off without hurting my lover or fixing everything with my wife and going back to the times we talked for hours into the night. I feel so ashamed.

    Reply
  • July 6, 2017 at 9:05 pm
    Permalink

    I have been married over 20 years. Had a few online chat affairs and was caught. Thought with the counseling and support we were getting things would get better. But instead I found someone. Random meeting of chance. We just were wanting a little fun but we have fallen madly in love and now 3 months later I can’t end it. This article is like I wrote my own story. I need help. I cry because I am not with my lover, have quit trying to work on marriage but I know ending it is right thing to do. I am scared either way

    Reply
  • August 15, 2017 at 3:33 pm
    Permalink

    My story will fill pages, Its so long. Most of what I have read here reflects a bit of my situation, though the article itself relates well.
    Sam and I are 46 yrs old. We met wen we were 18, he was my cousin’s best man, and still his best friend. We fell for each other, but after some months I moved away. My parents were separating an it was all so messy.
    There I met my husband Joe. Was my friend NHS tru the difficult times, and after a year, we got married. Sam an I spoke a few times,he got married two months after iI did,to a woman 8 yrs hhis senior.
    We wrote letters occasionally, saw each other once in 15 yrs. Then my dad passed away, my cousin gave Sam my number, an we spoke, his father passed away, also. We were both drawn together by our grief, we spoke often. My husband was aware, there was no secret.
    We fell in love all over again, which I was noteven aware of until we met, four months later.iI started going back to my home town often, my husband knew Sam picked me up at airport, an that we sometimes spent time going places. He never objected at 1st. I was suffering bouts of deep depression an I was doing good with these times away.
    That was 11 yrs ago. Sam an I reached a point where we couldn’t live without each other. We have had issues like any married couple, we fought, we made up. My kids, 23, 16 and 5, accept him as their uncle, and he Ranz errands wit them as he does wit his own kids. His wife knows, how can she not. His kids 23, 19, 15, r civil to me.
    I am not fooling myself, we can’t go on like this. My marriage was never all that good, though All has always been a good man, and a great dad.
    But its not easy to live like this, we want out of our marriages, but there’s always something keeping us back. We have a son, the 5yr old. We live in turmoil, not knowing where to go from here. We love each other so much, but the strain is debilitating. Am bipolar, an have developed anxiety. I pray and ask God to help me fins a solution. I have noting much in marriage to fight for, neither does he. But he has a sense of duty, which I understand till it clashes with what we had planned. I am tired, fed up, an want peace in my life, if not happiness.

    Reply
  • August 16, 2017 at 9:10 am
    Permalink

    The article realy describes what I am going through right now, I am trying to find d courage to end the relationship because I know that He is married,… The situation has been very toxic d guilt after is very tiring… I have never been interested with married men until I met him and now I just dont know how to end or to get out from it…..

    Reply
  • September 8, 2017 at 10:22 am
    Permalink

    Iv got married at 23, we had been together 6 years and came from a small town and to everyone it felt right.

    When we got married it was almost as if we wanted it to hurry up and just be done, of course we enjoyed it but we just wanted to relax. For a year or so after things were ok, not so much a sparkle in our relationship to be honest, we were just friends.

    I went through university with a few drunken night kisses and felt terrible but soon a few turned into far too many. My husband would never want to come out with me at the weekends who knows why, he would just rather stay indoors and play the Xbox (age 26). I cheated far too many times for my own good but never got caught. Stupidly.

    In my job when an opportunity pops up you leap to take it and it has seen me move around the country and my husband has followed. I feel bad about that as I know it’s no life for him just following me around.

    I will admit I am a bit of a lone ranger, I love the rave scene but my friends don’t so I go to a lot of festivals on my own, I always invite my husband but he doesn’t like them.

    Last September I felt like my husband was just giving up on our relationship (kinda thought he was having an affair tbh), I felt no love from him – walks in the park weren’t on the agenda it was just in from work, dinner, tv bed or at the weekend drink would be involved. I had some time away with my friends and I returned and spoke to my husband and said how un happy I had been with all the effort I had put in and the effort he hadn’t. He cried as I said maybe leaving was for the best and I said right let’s try this again!

    For 4/5 months things were better and I put in 110% but then things slowly returned to being the same only worse, no communication, no involvement and he even ‘forgot’ to come out for my birthday when back home for the weekend. A lot of things that just made me depressed and feeling unloved.

    My friend had a birthday party and he was invited and yes of course he never wanted to come along so I went solo. In a room full of couples I felt so alone and I drank, a lot. Long story short, I met a guy I knew from work when out and ended up sleeping with him whilst under the influence (as stated before not the first time this had happened).

    It started off as a drunken mistake but then I kept meeting him for sex at first but then it changed into talks and talks turned into walks and walks turned into afternoons together and then afternoons turned into evenings which turned into a weekend away. I was head over heels for this boy and I still am and even though it sounds stupid I actually think I love him. I obviously told him I was in a failing marriage and having him made my whole life feel like it had meaning again. I was having a huge affair and I knew it, every day.

    I had tremendous guilt and confided in my friend who told me that I really did need to stop with this other guy but I was honestly in too deep, I was and still am in love. Everything he said was exactly what I wanted to hear and within time, his brother and father knew (and was ok with it) his friends knew and a lot of other people knew too. Me not being from the area just confided in one person.

    Fast forward a few weeks and I had through guilt admitted I had kissed and had feelings for this new guy to my husband and he wanted to split up, something I should have been wanting, but I didn’t. I was terrified. I instantly regretted it. My husband seen me upset and said we could work through it and I was to call it off with this other guy so I went to his house told him it had to end and all but I could not stop crying and felt inside like I didn’t want to end it and he could tell. I attended a festival with my husband and we had a great time (after him shunning them all the time) until my friend who I had confided in told me that she had told my husband that it was not just kissing but it was a whole lot more. It was carnage.

    After an evening of fighting and crying he said he would move on and be ok, but he kept changing his mind, as did I about how I felt about this other guy. Weeks have gone by and we are no further forward, I should have broken contact with that guy but I can’t, I am in love with him, I have feelings and I cannot stop thinking of him. I love my husband of course I do and after 8 years I do not want to throw what I have with my husband away but I don’t want the potential love of my life slipping through my fingers. My mum now knows and has assured me that If I leave my husband that 1. My husband would have nothing, after following me about all his life he has nothing, 2. It would affect everything back in my home town 3. The family would not feel like a family. 4. That thing will not work out with this new guy and that I am being stupid. I almost feel pressured into staying because my husband would have nothing.

    To cut an enormous story short, I am very lucky my husband is still here and yes I have treated him in an awful manner I am so aware of what I have done and its killing me. BUT I LOVE THIS OTHER MAN.

    Whenever I think of this other guy I just feel like its right, like I belong with him but I couldn’t ever see my husband be alone or sad.

    I went once again to call it off with this guy thinking it’s the right thing to do because of the problems it will cause, but am I making the right decision? Or will I just have feelings for this guy forever? Because now I have told him it can’t be I think I have made the wrong decision. He still wants me and says I am a prisoner of my own emotion and he was willing to do anything for me and change his life. I love him so much but how long will that love last? It feels so real.

    Everyone giving me advice (apart from my mum) says, what makes you happy? Make YOU happy and I really don’t know what would make me happy. If I stay with my husband I yearn for this other man and if I leave for this other man I always think of my husband and would be worried at how he was and of course I will miss him. He is all I have known for 8 years. When I look at my husband there’s no sparkle, I wish there was but there isn’t. I’m scared, so scared – what if my husband goes back to his old ways and I lose out on this guy who could be the one and what if I leave my husband and this guy ends up leaving me in time.

    I know my parents will support me no matter what but will not agree with this other guy. I sat last night with my husband having chosen him and just cried, I know I should of and I tried to hold it back but I felt so depressed at losing the other guy.

    I have treated my husband horribly, not through badness but emotions have just taken over and I have done terrible things. I get angry at him and feel so much rage inside as if HE HAS STOPPED ME FROM BEING HAPPY and I AM STUCK LIKE THIS FOREVER. What has happened to me? Why am I thinking evil thoughts? Have I always been an evil person from the very first drunken kiss.

    Will this yearning for this other man go away? Should I just leave…. I have no idea.

    HELP

    Reply
    • October 5, 2017 at 4:58 pm
      Permalink

      God placed this for me to find! It really said what I needed to hear! Working on saving my marriage after an affair that ended in a unplanned pregnancy. I struggle everyday to get over this guy who I loved everything about. We had hopes and dreams together. But something in my gut even after the baby was born said it was wrong. How could I feel like this when my husband is giving it all and stayed in the marriage. I just feel like I will never heal from this. I feel empty as well. I have so much support from my family and friends but I just feel no one gets it but obviously after reading these posts they do! I just pray for everyone because I understand what you all are going through.

      Reply
  • September 8, 2017 at 2:07 pm
    Permalink

    this site has been an eye opener for me. Sad… because I don’t know if I have the courage, strength, or heart to let go of my lover of 15 years. Married for 38. It has been several weeks since we have been found out by his wife, for the 3rd time. Now, he has distanced himself from the affair. The affair which ONLY consisted of intimacy… no dinners, no dates, no gifts, nothing. All i ever did was love this man that I have known for over 40 years (high school sweetheart). I have lost weight, can’t sleep, can’t smile…. I hurt so deeply thinking that all I have been – has been sexual. Dying may be easier than what I am going through. He wants to save the marriage… Please pray for me.

    Reply
    • September 22, 2017 at 10:43 pm
      Permalink

      I am going through a situation very much like yours. Rhonda, we need to learn with a lot of pain that affairs never end well.
      I hope in a year I will smile again.
      My husband is very hurt but supportive. My children disgusted. My lover got sick of waiting for me and found a new partner. 35 years younger than us. I guess I needed that final humiliation. Deserved it even. Ten years of being together. If he wants me back I think I would go – that is the scary part. But I will not leave my marriage. I loved the excitement of texts and meeting for coffee. I loved his attention. Till he said enough. I want a real life with a partner who is mine alone.
      Who can blame him?

      Reply
  • October 6, 2017 at 11:53 am
    Permalink

    SO true so true. I have made up my mind today to. end. it. Sneaking off, quick meetings, glances at watch (him) me dying inside, in each other’s vehicles, snagged lunches at obscure places, drinks, movies (he saves me a seat so I can be like “oh! so you’re here too!”) walking quickly together looking to see if anyone’s about who might be watching, parking lot chats, hand clasps, long lingering hugs, I love you’s, my soul is yours, our love is deeper than that of what we share with our spouses, but we will never leave our spouses, it’s exhausting and degrading. It would kill his spouse if she knew. My spouse would kill him. Done.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

close
Facebook IconYouTube IconTwitter IconAdd Us On Google+
[Free Guide]
[Free Guide]
[MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT]
[MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT]