You are not quite sure how you got yourself into the affair, and even less sure about how to end an affair.

You love your paramour but hate the sneaking and cheating. You vacillate between ending the affair and giving yourself totally to it. You feel intense emotions for your lover, but even as you tell yourself, or your lover, that everything is going to be wonderful, deep within a small voice says that it will not be.

When together with your lover, you feel an amazing blending of ecstasy and peace.

When alone, you feel guilt-ridden. Sadness and shame surface sporadically because you have not defeated your feelings of guilt about what you are doing. Instead, your own morality and integrity have tunneled deep inside you to war with your soul.

Your conscience wants to end the affair while your heart finds incredible fulfillment in the illicit relationship.

Earlier you tried ending the affair a few times, but each time your willpower faded and your emotions drug you back. You felt responsible for your lover; you feared that they would be decimated, or get sick, or lose everything if you went away.

At times, you feared that if you ended the relationship, your lover would be so distraught that they might destroy you, your reputation, your family, or your finances. Though you wanted to do the right thing, ending the relationship was too difficult emotionally, mentally, or physically.

You just didn’t know how to end the affair. With time, you gave up the idea of ending it and evolved into the situation that now controls you.

Secretly, you wish that your dilemma would somehow resolve itself without your having to do anything. You find yourself thinking that if your lover would walk away, you could get past this, but the idea of losing your lover terrifies you.

If either or both of you are married, sometimes you think that if your spouse or your lover’s spouse found out, everything would be resolved without your having to make hard decisions. The situation would be bad for a while, but you would accept whatever path available to you after the shouting subdued.

Maybe that would mean staying with your spouse. Maybe it would mean divorce occurs and you could be with your lover. Maybe it would mean being alone, but even that sometimes seems a better state than what you are in now.

Though you do not wish to admit it, occasionally you fantasize about your spouse or your lover’s spouse having a car accident, or dying from some natural cause. That would make things easy. Your children, friends, church, and everyone else would be by your side in mourning, and later all would rejoice in your marriage to your paramour. No one would ever know about the affair.

Those fantasies make the guilt worse. Sometimes you wonder if you are the same person you used to be, or even if you know who you are.

You may feel great love and trust for your paramour, but deep within there is fear.

You fear the future without your lover. You fear your future with your lover.

You fear losing your children. You fear what you are becoming, and fear that you will never again be who you were. You fear God. You fear that if you do not figure out how to end the affair, you will lose connection with certain family members and friends.

In contrast, you fear that if you end the affair, you will never feel this level of deep love ever again. You fear that this is your one chance in life to have what others may only dream, and that opportunity will never come a second time. You fear that if you abandon your lover, some other person will come into their life and have all of the happiness and fulfillment that could have been yours.

During all the indecisiveness, one thing remains constant. The affair.

Each day you enmesh yourself more. Each day you feel a little less guilty, a little more assured that this is the right path for you and you don’t search your mind for ideas on how to end the affair. Each day you become a little more insulated against anyone that could hold you back from the new relationship — spouse, children, friends, church — and each day become a little more absorbed into life with your lover.

How is this going to end?

What will your future be?

Three Possible Paths

Any person’s life potentially has myriad paths and possibilities. However, it is likely that your future has one of three possibilities.

  • You will continue in your ambivalent state until someone else makes the decision that will set the path for the rest of your life.
  • You will commit to a relationship with your lover and trade your current life for one with him or her.
  • You will end the affair in time possibly to restore your life as it was.

Someone Else Makes the Decision

If you continue indecisively, eventually something will happen. Sometimes affairs go on for years, but that is rare, and they never go on forever.

The greatest likelihood is your affair will be discovered.

No matter how careful or cautious, ultimately you or your lover will make a mistake. A forgotten text, a mislaid note, a suspicious sighting of the two of you together, or a thousand other things can happen.

When that occurs, you will have no control over what happens next. If you are married, or if your lover is married, hurt spouses will take charge. Friends, family, and acquaintances will enter the fray, each with their own opinion about what you have done and what should be done to you.

Though you may believe that if that were to happen, it would be better than the situation you now have, it will not be. You may well lose your fortune, your family, your reputation, your friends, and your self-respect. Facing angry spouses flanked by modern-day-gladiators we call lawyers is a very unpleasant and expensive experience, financially and emotionally.

You may think that people who love you now will love you just as much if they discover your affair. Prepare to be let down.

Path 2: You Commit to Your Lover

In an affair, at least one of the lovers is in a committed relationship with someone else, such as a spouse or fiancé.

Therefore, an affair is illicit because it violates an existing relationship. Ending your existing relationship to be with your lover means betraying the promises and commitments you made to your current partner: Or your lover betraying promises and commitments to their partner.

If others are part of the relationship you end, you change forever the nature of your relationship with them. You may still be a parent, but you will not be a parent in the same way as when you and your spouse both lived together with your children.

You may still care about your in-laws, but they will no longer be your relatives. You may enjoy mutual friends, but the ones who feel they should support your abandoned partner rather than you will never be as close again.

In time, you will learn that the new relationship is not as perfect, wonderful, or fulfilling as you had imagined. Every relationship brings its own set of problems and miseries.

If you are similar to most people, when you finally face all that you lost to have a committed relationship with your lover, the stresses and difficulties that normally attend that relationship will be magnified by your sense of what it cost you emotionally, financially, spiritually, and physically.

There is a reason that those who divorce their spouses to marry a lover have a much, much higher rate of divorce. Sadly, each one of them thought they were going to be the exception.

End the Affair

There is great value in living consistently with your beliefs and values. It isn’t always easy—actually, it may at times be quite difficult—but the consequences make it worthwhile.

If you truly believed that your affair is right, and that being with you lover is your best future, you likely would not be reading this article. You probably are reading this because you want peace again. Peace throughout your entire being—heart, mind, and soul. Peace that comes from knowing that you are being who you really are and doing what you know is the right thing to do.

Thinking about staying in your current marriage or relationship may be painful, but most of that has to do with your having rewritten history. Nearly everyone in an affair does.

You’ve mentally exacerbated the bad times and faded the good ones. You’ve misplaced the memories of the happiness you’ve had together and enthroned the nastiness. However, your mind is playing tricks on you to make your current actions doable. The spouse or partner you may be vilifying now can be the one you love more than any other, but that can only happen if you choose to end the affair and do the right things.

If you end the affair now, you may well have a chance to save your marriage or current relationship. Actually, not to save it but to make it better. If it were everything that it should be, you likely would not have entered the affair. However, all that can be overcome and you can build a relationship that will be better than you ever imagined.

How To End an Affair and Save Your Marriage

The first step to ending an affair is to make a firm decision that you ARE ending it.

If there is anyone you trust, tell that person what you are doing and that you have decided to end it. Let them become your support, you encourager, and, if necessary, your courage.

The second step is to end the affair NOW.

Do not put it off because of a special day coming up, or to find a better situation, or to make it easier on your lover, or any other reason. Hesitation devastates. Act now.

The third step is to tell the lover that it is over.

Whether you do it face-to-face or by a handwritten letter, do not go into explanations. Do not talk it over with your lover. Do not express love, loyalty, or longing. Make it quick, to the point, and without discussion. Sound harsh if need be.

Any other approach will cause your lover to maintain hope that you will change your mind, and that is the cruelest thing you can do. End it quickly and sharply and then end all contact. THAT is an act of caring and love.

The fourth step is to tell your current partner, if you are in a committed relationship, that you have been unfaithful, that it is over, and that you wish to make your relationship work.

There are situations where this is not wise, but most often it is. Use the following three criteria to decide:

  1. Confess if your current partner has ever asked you about the affair and you lied.
  2. Confess if your partner has any possible way of discovering your affair. (As much as it will hurt to hear it from you, it will hurt much worse to hear it from someone else.)
  3. Confess if you have emotions that potentially will keep you from developing closeness with your partner. If you feel guilt, shame, regret, fear, anger, resentment, or anything else that negatively affects your relationship with your current partner, they have the right to know what it is and why it exists.

The fifth step if you are wanting to know how to end an affair is to make sure that you have no further contact with your former lover.

If your question is, “How to end an affair,” this may be the most difficult part of the answer to implement. Do whatever you need to do to make it impossible for the two of you to communicate. Change cell phone numbers. Remove Facebook friends. Change email addresses. If necessary, change jobs.

In extreme situations, change cities. Further contact will very likely lead to more involvement. That hurts everyone. Now that you have made the decision and are doing the right thing, do NOT allow yourself to fall into any situation to hurt anyone again. Not your spouse, partner, children, family, church, or your former lover.

The sixth step to ending an affair is to seek the right help to make your current relationship better.

If it were all that it needed to be, you probably would not have had the affair. This is not to blame your spouse/partner, or to blame you. No blame is needed. There is a weakness and that needs to be rectified. Seek a counselor, a mentor couple, or an intense workshop that will help both of you:

  • Understand how the affair happened.
  • Repair your relationship.
  • Facilitate forgiveness.
  • Develop a great future together.

The seventh step is to help rescue others who are in affairs.

When you heal your marriage or relationship, you will be in a unique position to help others struggling with how to end an affair. You will not have to seek them out; they will instinctively find you. When they do, guide them through making the right decision and following through with the right steps.

To learn more about how to end an affair and save your marriage, check out our free articles or get more information on an intensive weekend workshop to save your marriage.



92 thoughts on “How to End an Affair with Someone You Love

  • April 29, 2016 at 4:08 pm
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    Wow… this is spot on! Very insightful post.

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    • April 29, 2016 at 6:51 pm
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      Thank you, Tia!

      Reply
    • October 1, 2017 at 2:15 am
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      I agree!! Very insightful!

      Reply
  • May 5, 2016 at 7:38 am
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    This seems to be very text book orientated, where the personal feelings of those involved, have tended to be left out …..

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    • June 25, 2016 at 2:35 pm
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      It’s never easy to just walk away.. If you have heart inside your chest.. I agree with the fact that affair is like an addiction.. Going cold turkey will make you go crazy . Maybe not for the person that ended it but definitely for the person on the receiving end of it.. Especially if they didn’t see it coming.. It can be devastating.. So please if you want to end an affair do it with intergrity and keep it in mind that the person could turn on you and show up at your door step and then what u gonna do.. So be kind cause it took two get into the situation get out with respect.

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      • August 29, 2017 at 7:00 am
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        This is very true. The only thing keeping me in the affair is the fear of how she will react. I know for sure that it will not be pretty and it won’t escape the attention of my wife.
        My lover was once a very sweet lady but after a few months together her rude, possessive and combative side has finally taken centre stage. I just want to end things peacefully and move on but I have no doubt that blood will be filled in the process. Am really in a big fix and I’m really scared.

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        • September 12, 2018 at 4:36 pm
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          Did you make the big leap? I have tried numerous times and have failed.

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      • July 14, 2018 at 10:21 pm
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        Integrity? You must be kidding. How can integrity be any part of an affair when Either you are married or one of you are married.

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  • July 16, 2016 at 4:06 am
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    Has anyone ever been in this situation. I’m going through it now and need some advise desperately ! Im married. But in love with someone else. And he is crazy in love with me. I love him but know I need to save my marriage. I’m so scared of hurting him. He’s very sensitive and really thinks I’m the one. I also think that to at times it then come down to reality . I moved to another state for my husband. And I’m going back to tell my lover .. That it’s over . Although the I love him dearly .

    Reply
    • July 20, 2016 at 5:41 pm
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      Thank you for taking time to share with us.

      Read our articles on Limerence.

      I feel it would offer you some insight into what you are going through.

      Reply
    • March 15, 2017 at 3:44 pm
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      You’re not the only one facing this situation. I am a married man in love with a married woman. We both love our respective spouses and family. It’s been 5 years now, still we are not able to pull out completely. Though we are trying not to call and see each other it is difficult when we do. We get physical sometimes which is very rare. We wish to be friends without hurting none.

      Reply
    • September 22, 2017 at 7:37 pm
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      I now exactly how you feel my lover has just ended our affair after 25 years because I couldn’t leave my wife. But I love her so much why do I feel so terrible and why couldn’t I leave when the feelings and sexual chemistry were so strong

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    • October 2, 2018 at 11:27 pm
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      so what happened? i’m curious…..

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    • November 7, 2018 at 4:16 pm
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      This is exactly what I am going through and I feel the longer I wait to end it, the worse the outcome will be.
      Im scared to hurt the other ones feelings but I feel like my 10 year relationship and stability is more important.

      I feel stuck sad angry at myself. How do I end it without hurting the illicit lovers feelings?

      Reply
  • August 21, 2016 at 11:55 am
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    I’m sitting in a parking lot at 7:40am on a Sunday having just left my house with the agreement with my spouse that I would not live there now until we resolve things. I’ve had an affair, a deep one. I am guilt ridden and disgusted with my actions and have ruined my family including hurt my 3 beautiful and loving daughters. I searched articles on affairs and affects on children and came across this article. It brought me to tears in its accuracy. It was as if someone followed my affair and documented it.
    Amazing writing and spot on with all.
    Unfortunately, although tried a few times, I was not adult enough to end it before my spouse found the all telling text that I was so used to careful with calculation deleted on prior times.
    After a few minutes of pathetic denials and lying again, I saw the pain in my spouses face and came clean on everything. It was brutal for all and in every way.
    I ended e.the affair much in the way this article states to do so but I am devastated at hurting her as well. I changed my cell number and cut all ties. I knew in my heart this was the right thing to do whether my spouse and I would get back together or not.
    I need to heal and find myself as much as potentially heal my marriage. Now since my spouse has given the chance I have moved out but we are trying to repair and assess whether we can move forward. Never in my life that I see myself in a situation and in retrospect look back at how innocently it started and then when it became overtime, quickly. It may sound sappy but this article actually speaks to it as well in that I feel as humans we are all programmed to receive love and affection and give the same no matter how busy or hectic our lives become. I feel as though when the body does not feel this and because none over a long period of time at seeks it out elsewhere. That said, some people, other than myself or stronger and can weather that storm and get through it. I failed at that. I appreciate the authors taking the time to write this article so accurately as it touchdown every part of my affair in the exact progression it happened. if I could go back and not do it I would but part of me hopes that it gives me a chance to have a new life with my spouse and one that will be better than ever.

    Reply
    • August 30, 2016 at 3:02 pm
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      Hi Vincent-

      First off, I am so sorry you & your family are going through this. We know how hard it is on every one. We are here to help you all. Secondly, thank you for your honesty. We would LOVE to see you and your wife at our workshop. You will both have an amazing story to tell of reconciliation.

      Thinking of you both during this time. If you need extra support please join our Facebook Group- Save My Marriage.

      Blessings

      Reply
  • October 11, 2016 at 6:54 pm
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    This article definitely hit home pretty strongly. I worked with my OW (who is also married). It all started as very simple friendship. For years, we were very simply friends. Others at work would joke with us that we were having an affair and we would just laugh it off. For more than 5 years, of friendship, there wasn’t a romantic element in any sense between the two of us. Around the same time, both of us seemed to cross some line. This went on for about a year or so. At multiple points, she said that she wanted to end it. But each time, she would come to my office and each time, the relationship would progress further. The last time that she said she wanted to end it, it felt different. It seemed like she meant it.

    I was devastated but deep down, I wanted to end it to because it was exhausting mentally…the fear of loss, the constant thinking about her, never knowing if this was it. If she had asked, though, I would have left everything for her. Still, after her last time of telling me she wanted to end it, little things she did suggested otherwise. Messages on linkedin…random conversations at work…a hug after her dog had to be put to sleep…

    It was too much for me this time, though. I couldn’t handle it. I was beginning to realize that while she wanted to work things out with her husband, she wanted to keep me hanging on just enough in case things didn’t work out. The problem is that I couldn’t be that. Ultimately, deep down, I want to be happy with my wife. I want her to be the one that I dream with and about. She was at one time but 3 kids later…there doesn’t seem to be anything left in her tank for me. But I hope that there can be.

    I finally put foot down with the other woman and said that all contact – unless it’s absolutely necessary at work – has to stop. I’m not her friend, I’m not going to the be the backup, and that I want to be happy…with my wife. I do not want to leave my job so I had a talk with my boss who was OK with me working from home for a while.

    The problem is that I miss the OW. I miss the rush and feeling of being desired. I also miss the 5 years of friendship we had. I miss talking so deeply about random things. I just miss…her.

    Even worse, I am terrified that my hope of my wife being the fun, passionate, and affectionate person she once was is the wrong choice. She has been genuinely trying but I am stuck in this place where it feel so disingenuous. I can feel that she doesn’t want to do these things…she is just willing to. I suppose there is genuineness in the fact that she is trying but I miss that look in her eyes that says she loves me more than any word could ever say. I could go on and on but I feel like this reply is already way too long.

    I guess what I really want to know is if the pain/missing and the desire for the fantasy of what could have been with the OW ever really goes away. More importantly does the spark, fire, passion ever come back with the wife.

    Reply
    • October 12, 2016 at 2:55 pm
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      Good morning, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. We know how hard it is. You and your wife CAN get that spark/fire/passion back!!! Dr. Beam formulated a “path” to do it as well.. Check out our Path To Soul Satisfying Love.. I really feel that it would help you and your wife! Please click here for more information on it!

      Reply
    • January 10, 2017 at 10:34 am
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      Hi Mike,

      I would really like to know how things turned out with your wife?

      I’m in the same spot you were in October.

      Reply
    • April 19, 2017 at 6:31 pm
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      HI! i am in a similar situation and almost ready to break up with my AP. I am having the exact same feeling like you do. How did it go with u?

      Reply
  • November 10, 2016 at 2:41 am
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    This article is spot on. It’s as if you’ve been inside my heart and mind for the almost 3 years of my extramarital affair….and put it all my confusion and emotion into words that make sense. I’m so glad I found this article….I can see much clearer through my rose colored glasses. Thank you.

    Reply
  • November 29, 2016 at 4:54 am
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    I cannot believe how spot on this article is. As I was reading it, I felt as it was written directly for me and almost felt like someone had been watching me for the last two and a half years that I have been in this illicit relationship.
    I have a lot of questions for the people who have been successful at letting go and ended their extra matrimonial relationship.
    1. Where do I find the strength to end this addicting relationship? I’m interested in a real answer vs a faith based one (I apologize in advance. Not my intention to offend anyones religious beliefs)
    2. Was it really worth it? In my case, no one has ever been so attentive or done something truly special for me as much as this person has.
    3. How can you fall back in love with your spouse? When the main reason of looking somewhere else was their lack of love and respect.
    4. Is it true that letting them go even when is so painful to both involved is a sign of love?
    5. Have you truly found peace?
    6. Could you really erase all the memories to be able to move on?

    Reply
    • June 27, 2017 at 10:04 pm
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      Natalie, I’m where you were at in November. What helped the most with moving on and getting over your affair? The pain is so deep right now having just ended our year long affair five days ago. I want to fall in love with my husband again.

      Reply
  • January 1, 2017 at 12:43 am
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    I am so happy this article was created, I am in so much pain trying to move on. My wife knows nothing of my afair and my outside partner knows nothing of me being married. My partner is tired of my lies when we can’t see each other and told me to leave her alone and I’m struggling. I suffer with anxiety attacks and can’t shake it off because we both were in to deep.

    Reply
  • January 10, 2017 at 10:02 pm
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    I agree, this is a great article. I too also want to find answers similiar to Natalie’s post. I have been in a relationship with someone for over 4 years. This person doesnt know that I’m married and my spouse doesnt know I’m having an affair. We both truyly love each other, we have plans to move in together. There were multiple times I tried to end it but it all failed until 4 days ago and it was over. The pain is so much that I cant eat, sleep or function regularly. I’m so tempted to pick up the phone and make the call to reconcile but each time, I forced myself to think of my spouse and kids. To top off, I’m ashamed to tell anyone so I’m pretty much in this alone. I walk around carrying a fake smile but in reality I’m dying inside. I tell myself each time i have no one to blame but myself and I have to work through it but honestly, it’s been 4 days and I’m as miserable as hell and not sure how i can get through it all. I went online looking for support group so I can chat but I havent found any good ones. If anyone knows, please share. I like to know how i can cope with this pain and move on.

    Reply
    • January 11, 2017 at 3:55 am
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      Good evening,

      You could join our Save My Marriage Facebook Group.. It is a group of people who are fighting to save their marriages. There are people who have been in VERY similar situations as yours as well that can relate and understand your walk..

      Reply
      • December 5, 2017 at 8:50 pm
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        Hi,
        I had an affair and he broke up with me using his girlfrd as d excuse… Like he was trying not to hurt the girlfrd. I was trying to call him to say hi and d girlfrd picked d call and he told me yes dt was his girlfrd and the second time was today and he said i should not implicate him that his girlfrd is around. He didnt apologise for the first one he did and I forgave him bcos I tot he was under pressure the first time. I know this article is for those who want to end an affair and move on. I am at the receiving end and I want to know how to move on. I am deeply hurt. I used to think I love my husband because he loves me but I feel so guilty and ashamed I almost confessed tonight but had to change the topic. I tried to console myself that i had d affair in order to protect my heart and self against reacting in case I find out my trusted hubby could be cheating on me. I fell for dis guy who has a wife and a girlfriend… All signs were clear that I should stay away but I couldn’t till we had sex one time and poof, he blew me off. I can get myself. I have thought of ways to get revenge…. Bt a part of me just says to move on and nvr try having a frd let alone a boyfrd…. I was pondering and crying and searching for solution and dts how i came across dis article. I want to be encouraged to move on. I really regret dis affair

        Reply
        • December 26, 2017 at 8:28 pm
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          Please call us at (866) 903-0990, so we can help. Thanks!

          Reply
    • November 9, 2017 at 10:27 pm
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      It’s not easy for anyone. I am a wife whose husband had an affair and it devastated me! We have been married 38 years.I am going on three years out(post affair) and it’s been really tough. When they say marriage takes a lot of work well honey this is what it’s all about. Our problem with today’s society is that everything is so disposable. We see it in marriages all the time! You find someone to replace your spouse for whatever reason,just name it. An affairs devastation is so far reaching that when your involved in it you don’t realize how many people will be devastated by your selfishness because after all it’s all about instant gratification.I believe people get caught up in these situations because after all we are human but it’s what you do after and in some cases before your spouse finds out. Do the right thing if you are married and end the affair. Just because you have problems in your marriage does not give you permission to have an affair…EVER!!! No where in the Bible does it promise you happiness in your marriage. It takes work and respect! It’s so easy to cross over that line. That feeling you feel for the affair partner usually only last acouple of years then your right back to where you ended with your wife. Do the honorable thing! As the old saying goes, “Out of sight,out of mind” is the way to go!

      Reply
      • October 3, 2018 at 12:10 pm
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        Trish, thanks for writing this, more people need to read these posts. Our culture is disposable and self-centered… the basis for wanting an affair is finding another person that makes me feel good about myself. My husband did that when I had health problems and could not be there for him with kids starting college and a small child, I was overwhelmed and someone at work saw that gap. She claimed to love him and of course point out my faults to him. Of course, I knew something was wrong but never believed my husband would do that to me. We fought because he was so negative toward me. I wish that first 6 months I would not have fought back as much but he was different and antagonistic. Our culture plays on the perfect romantic book love story for men. Our husband’s expect us to go to work full-time and take care of children and not be exhausted mentally or physically. They see other women who play superwoman at work and think well that woman can be fun and exciting, why can’t my wife handle everything? My wife is just making excuses and does not really love me. I want to commend you for staying in your marriage because that is what we all need to do, or children and families are affected for generations. We all know of a grandparent or relative who caused major chaos in the family when they left for an affair or addiction. Please know that you made the a great decision and staying and the pain of the affair will lessen each week/month. After 6 years I look at my husband with love and forgiveness. I know he was that person.
        Take care and may god bless you and your husband!

        Reply
  • January 30, 2017 at 5:25 am
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    I am like most on here. I confessed to my wife in April of 2016. I was cornered and I could not lie my way out of it. It’s been a long process but my wife has forgiven me. But I am going crazy because I cannot stop loving the woman I fell in love with. She is everything I wanted in a woman that I wanted in my wife for so long. For many years I wanted things from my wife that she refused to pay attention to. And when I found it in another woman it was magical. I fell hard. And I can’t get over her and go back to living the old way.

    Reply
  • February 13, 2017 at 3:53 pm
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    I am struggling over not only having been unfair to my husband, and since my guilt drove me to voluntarily tell him, I am also dealing with the aftermath of the devastation of my ex-lover of our sort of mutual break-in. It is horrible because I realize that I gave this other man a piece of my heart. He sort of contacted me a week ago, making me miss HIM again. Missing that attention and affection my spouse was not giving me! Why am I having a hard time getting over my ex-lover than appreciate the changes and support my HUSBAND is trying G to give me? I hate myself for this! I am counseling with my Pastor. At times I feel it’s not enough and I have gotten myself crazy! I need help.

    Reply
  • February 27, 2017 at 12:20 pm
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    This article hit home for me. I’ve been married for 16 years, there is no romance in the marriage any more, it’s very boring, and when I tried talking to him about it, he just said well maybe we should have just kept dating, he doesn’t want to work on it, I love my husband and would like to be able to get back some excitement in our marriage. I have been seeing this guy l work with, at first my intention were to Just have sex and only sex, but then we started going out, texting all day and night he even gave me a key to his house. I feel so quilt what I am doing, I tried to end this affair before, but I keep going back to the lover. HELP

    Reply
    • February 27, 2017 at 6:14 pm
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      I am so sorry you are going through this.. We understand your side of things as well..

      Have you looked into our Affair Toolkit/Marriage Recovery Series??

      Reply
  • March 10, 2017 at 2:38 pm
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    What if the person you’ve had an affair with will be going back to their wife but NOT be telling them the truth that they’ve had an affair?
    They are moving away and all of that and have told me it’s over but said they will never tell ever and spend their life trying to make up for the guilt and shame and what they’ve done / yet secretly.
    ?

    Reply
    • March 10, 2017 at 6:12 pm
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      You can give him the tools to tell his wife… Here is a great article on how to tell a spouse you have had an affair without losing your marriage. http://www.marriagehelper.com/how_to_confess_an_affair.php

      We do not encourage that anyone outside of the marriage gets involved with informing the other spouse of the affair. That is the spouse’s responsibility.

      Reply
  • March 31, 2017 at 9:54 am
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    I met a friend abroad I have pretty much been in love with her my whole life but in my head as I had not seen her for 15 years. We met, we have been intimate since and I love her like I always thought I would. My wife and I have been married for 8 months but we have been together for 10 years we have a child together and properties we are not rich but we’ll off. I have been hoping for the situation to run its course so I did not have to choice between them, as I thought if it was not my choice then it would be the right one lol I know it makes no sense. I have read the article and I believe I have to end it with the one that I have loved all my life the one, so that I can stay with my wife and family it has got to the point that I had hoped that I would die in a car accident so that I didn’t have to make the choice. Please tell me when I split this affair that it is the right choice for me.

    Reply
    • April 6, 2017 at 7:18 pm
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      Good afternoon, I am so sorry you are going through this.

      My heart breaks for you..

      (I think I may have responded to another comment you had yesterday.)

      We can’t tell you if what you are doing is the right or wrong choice. That is something you will have to determine…

      This is the article I would recommend you to read.. The next step I would recommend would be marriage coaching or The Decision Point Course.

      Please let me know if we can help with anything.

      If you are feeling suicidal, please do not take this lightly. Seek professional help ASAP.

      Reply
  • April 1, 2017 at 4:03 pm
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    I put my story on here and they didn’t even post it I ended the affair now she will tell the wife thanks for not postig I really needed advice

    Reply
  • April 16, 2017 at 1:11 am
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    God bless you! This is awesome. Wow!

    Reply
  • April 21, 2017 at 7:08 pm
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    She didn’t tell my wife she us a class act not like me. I feel so low but I know I have made her feel worse.
    I know I love her but can’t be with her, it’s to late now anyway I hate life at the moment even though I have everything only you came back to see if my post had been posted.
    she put something up on viber that made me cry a quote that sumed it up realy.
    anyway time to put on my big boy pants and get on with life everyone says don’t leave your wife I hope there right.
    The weird thing is when she said she was going to tell my wife I kind of wanted her to.
    Regards
    Gareth

    Reply
  • May 2, 2017 at 5:36 am
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    I’ve become a fool I believe. 47 years of marriage and in an extramarital affair for 30 of those years. His wife died three years ago and he has started dating. We have come to say we love each other. Yet, he has told me he wants a “legitimate” woman to “be seen with around town” with although he maintains that I am the “gold standard” and we continue to see each other almost weekly. He wants a girlfriend that he can be social with. My position does not allow that. It’s rather parallel to him still being married. That’s what I keep telling myself to keep from being hurt when he tells me about the lovely dinner he has had with a woman he has started dating. I’m just not sure I have the energy for all of this anymore……

    Reply
  • May 22, 2017 at 8:18 pm
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    I have read most of the responses and can’t help but place my situation in the same mold. I too have had an affair with a women who I believe I love for seven years. We have tried to stop she even changed jobs but we gravitate back to one another. We ended our relationship recently because she got tired of waiting. I’m currently still married but separated.. My affair partner ants me to have an attorney and plan , but I am in no rush to make such a life impacting decision. I do miss her as she was my best friend. So for selfish reason i miss her. I decided to let her go this time for good and hope that if the stars align our paths will cross again or not… I am good with this since my affair partner has three great kids. I don’t want to do anything that will cause harm to their mother and in anyway take away from their interaction. I believe that our constant break ups and stress is just adding to the challenge of being a mom. I don’t want to cause any more damage than i have already done. I’m not sure if it will work out with my wife I think we just grew apart and I’m just not interested. I do owe it to her to try…

    Reply
  • June 16, 2017 at 12:56 pm
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    I met a girl same age as me. We started talking and clicked instantly. We have been on and off for 4 years. My wife knows about her and told me to keep away. And i kept it more secretively. 2 weeks ago we slept together. Now i feel bad. Worse then before. I have always felt guilty. But not as guilty after having sex. I took her virginity. I want to continue seeing her and actually have something more with her. But i feel guilty. My wife doesnt know we slept together. But she was crying. I think she knows i still have contact with her. How can i comfort her while im the one that made her cry. I made her cry for many reasons. I feel like disappearing. I dont know what to do. I dont want to divorce anymore. Im afriad i will loose my family forever. My wife used to be my best friend. I dont know how i even got to this point so fast. Im feeling depressed and i have thought about commiting suicide a few times. Im the one thats been causing all of this. I dont know how to break it off without hurting my lover or fixing everything with my wife and going back to the times we talked for hours into the night. I feel so ashamed.

    Reply
  • July 6, 2017 at 9:05 pm
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    I have been married over 20 years. Had a few online chat affairs and was caught. Thought with the counseling and support we were getting things would get better. But instead I found someone. Random meeting of chance. We just were wanting a little fun but we have fallen madly in love and now 3 months later I can’t end it. This article is like I wrote my own story. I need help. I cry because I am not with my lover, have quit trying to work on marriage but I know ending it is right thing to do. I am scared either way

    Reply
  • August 15, 2017 at 3:33 pm
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    My story will fill pages, Its so long. Most of what I have read here reflects a bit of my situation, though the article itself relates well.
    Sam and I are 46 yrs old. We met wen we were 18, he was my cousin’s best man, and still his best friend. We fell for each other, but after some months I moved away. My parents were separating an it was all so messy.
    There I met my husband Joe. Was my friend NHS tru the difficult times, and after a year, we got married. Sam an I spoke a few times,he got married two months after iI did,to a woman 8 yrs hhis senior.
    We wrote letters occasionally, saw each other once in 15 yrs. Then my dad passed away, my cousin gave Sam my number, an we spoke, his father passed away, also. We were both drawn together by our grief, we spoke often. My husband was aware, there was no secret.
    We fell in love all over again, which I was noteven aware of until we met, four months later.iI started going back to my home town often, my husband knew Sam picked me up at airport, an that we sometimes spent time going places. He never objected at 1st. I was suffering bouts of deep depression an I was doing good with these times away.
    That was 11 yrs ago. Sam an I reached a point where we couldn’t live without each other. We have had issues like any married couple, we fought, we made up. My kids, 23, 16 and 5, accept him as their uncle, and he Ranz errands wit them as he does wit his own kids. His wife knows, how can she not. His kids 23, 19, 15, r civil to me.
    I am not fooling myself, we can’t go on like this. My marriage was never all that good, though All has always been a good man, and a great dad.
    But its not easy to live like this, we want out of our marriages, but there’s always something keeping us back. We have a son, the 5yr old. We live in turmoil, not knowing where to go from here. We love each other so much, but the strain is debilitating. Am bipolar, an have developed anxiety. I pray and ask God to help me fins a solution. I have noting much in marriage to fight for, neither does he. But he has a sense of duty, which I understand till it clashes with what we had planned. I am tired, fed up, an want peace in my life, if not happiness.

    Reply
  • August 16, 2017 at 9:10 am
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    The article realy describes what I am going through right now, I am trying to find d courage to end the relationship because I know that He is married,… The situation has been very toxic d guilt after is very tiring… I have never been interested with married men until I met him and now I just dont know how to end or to get out from it…..

    Reply
  • September 8, 2017 at 10:22 am
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    Iv got married at 23, we had been together 6 years and came from a small town and to everyone it felt right.

    When we got married it was almost as if we wanted it to hurry up and just be done, of course we enjoyed it but we just wanted to relax. For a year or so after things were ok, not so much a sparkle in our relationship to be honest, we were just friends.

    I went through university with a few drunken night kisses and felt terrible but soon a few turned into far too many. My husband would never want to come out with me at the weekends who knows why, he would just rather stay indoors and play the Xbox (age 26). I cheated far too many times for my own good but never got caught. Stupidly.

    In my job when an opportunity pops up you leap to take it and it has seen me move around the country and my husband has followed. I feel bad about that as I know it’s no life for him just following me around.

    I will admit I am a bit of a lone ranger, I love the rave scene but my friends don’t so I go to a lot of festivals on my own, I always invite my husband but he doesn’t like them.

    Last September I felt like my husband was just giving up on our relationship (kinda thought he was having an affair tbh), I felt no love from him – walks in the park weren’t on the agenda it was just in from work, dinner, tv bed or at the weekend drink would be involved. I had some time away with my friends and I returned and spoke to my husband and said how un happy I had been with all the effort I had put in and the effort he hadn’t. He cried as I said maybe leaving was for the best and I said right let’s try this again!

    For 4/5 months things were better and I put in 110% but then things slowly returned to being the same only worse, no communication, no involvement and he even ‘forgot’ to come out for my birthday when back home for the weekend. A lot of things that just made me depressed and feeling unloved.

    My friend had a birthday party and he was invited and yes of course he never wanted to come along so I went solo. In a room full of couples I felt so alone and I drank, a lot. Long story short, I met a guy I knew from work when out and ended up sleeping with him whilst under the influence (as stated before not the first time this had happened).

    It started off as a drunken mistake but then I kept meeting him for sex at first but then it changed into talks and talks turned into walks and walks turned into afternoons together and then afternoons turned into evenings which turned into a weekend away. I was head over heels for this boy and I still am and even though it sounds stupid I actually think I love him. I obviously told him I was in a failing marriage and having him made my whole life feel like it had meaning again. I was having a huge affair and I knew it, every day.

    I had tremendous guilt and confided in my friend who told me that I really did need to stop with this other guy but I was honestly in too deep, I was and still am in love. Everything he said was exactly what I wanted to hear and within time, his brother and father knew (and was ok with it) his friends knew and a lot of other people knew too. Me not being from the area just confided in one person.

    Fast forward a few weeks and I had through guilt admitted I had kissed and had feelings for this new guy to my husband and he wanted to split up, something I should have been wanting, but I didn’t. I was terrified. I instantly regretted it. My husband seen me upset and said we could work through it and I was to call it off with this other guy so I went to his house told him it had to end and all but I could not stop crying and felt inside like I didn’t want to end it and he could tell. I attended a festival with my husband and we had a great time (after him shunning them all the time) until my friend who I had confided in told me that she had told my husband that it was not just kissing but it was a whole lot more. It was carnage.

    After an evening of fighting and crying he said he would move on and be ok, but he kept changing his mind, as did I about how I felt about this other guy. Weeks have gone by and we are no further forward, I should have broken contact with that guy but I can’t, I am in love with him, I have feelings and I cannot stop thinking of him. I love my husband of course I do and after 8 years I do not want to throw what I have with my husband away but I don’t want the potential love of my life slipping through my fingers. My mum now knows and has assured me that If I leave my husband that 1. My husband would have nothing, after following me about all his life he has nothing, 2. It would affect everything back in my home town 3. The family would not feel like a family. 4. That thing will not work out with this new guy and that I am being stupid. I almost feel pressured into staying because my husband would have nothing.

    To cut an enormous story short, I am very lucky my husband is still here and yes I have treated him in an awful manner I am so aware of what I have done and its killing me. BUT I LOVE THIS OTHER MAN.

    Whenever I think of this other guy I just feel like its right, like I belong with him but I couldn’t ever see my husband be alone or sad.

    I went once again to call it off with this guy thinking it’s the right thing to do because of the problems it will cause, but am I making the right decision? Or will I just have feelings for this guy forever? Because now I have told him it can’t be I think I have made the wrong decision. He still wants me and says I am a prisoner of my own emotion and he was willing to do anything for me and change his life. I love him so much but how long will that love last? It feels so real.

    Everyone giving me advice (apart from my mum) says, what makes you happy? Make YOU happy and I really don’t know what would make me happy. If I stay with my husband I yearn for this other man and if I leave for this other man I always think of my husband and would be worried at how he was and of course I will miss him. He is all I have known for 8 years. When I look at my husband there’s no sparkle, I wish there was but there isn’t. I’m scared, so scared – what if my husband goes back to his old ways and I lose out on this guy who could be the one and what if I leave my husband and this guy ends up leaving me in time.

    I know my parents will support me no matter what but will not agree with this other guy. I sat last night with my husband having chosen him and just cried, I know I should of and I tried to hold it back but I felt so depressed at losing the other guy.

    I have treated my husband horribly, not through badness but emotions have just taken over and I have done terrible things. I get angry at him and feel so much rage inside as if HE HAS STOPPED ME FROM BEING HAPPY and I AM STUCK LIKE THIS FOREVER. What has happened to me? Why am I thinking evil thoughts? Have I always been an evil person from the very first drunken kiss.

    Will this yearning for this other man go away? Should I just leave…. I have no idea.

    HELP

    Reply
    • October 5, 2017 at 4:58 pm
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      God placed this for me to find! It really said what I needed to hear! Working on saving my marriage after an affair that ended in a unplanned pregnancy. I struggle everyday to get over this guy who I loved everything about. We had hopes and dreams together. But something in my gut even after the baby was born said it was wrong. How could I feel like this when my husband is giving it all and stayed in the marriage. I just feel like I will never heal from this. I feel empty as well. I have so much support from my family and friends but I just feel no one gets it but obviously after reading these posts they do! I just pray for everyone because I understand what you all are going through.

      Reply
  • September 8, 2017 at 2:07 pm
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    this site has been an eye opener for me. Sad… because I don’t know if I have the courage, strength, or heart to let go of my lover of 15 years. Married for 38. It has been several weeks since we have been found out by his wife, for the 3rd time. Now, he has distanced himself from the affair. The affair which ONLY consisted of intimacy… no dinners, no dates, no gifts, nothing. All i ever did was love this man that I have known for over 40 years (high school sweetheart). I have lost weight, can’t sleep, can’t smile…. I hurt so deeply thinking that all I have been – has been sexual. Dying may be easier than what I am going through. He wants to save the marriage… Please pray for me.

    Reply
    • September 22, 2017 at 10:43 pm
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      I am going through a situation very much like yours. Rhonda, we need to learn with a lot of pain that affairs never end well.
      I hope in a year I will smile again.
      My husband is very hurt but supportive. My children disgusted. My lover got sick of waiting for me and found a new partner. 35 years younger than us. I guess I needed that final humiliation. Deserved it even. Ten years of being together. If he wants me back I think I would go – that is the scary part. But I will not leave my marriage. I loved the excitement of texts and meeting for coffee. I loved his attention. Till he said enough. I want a real life with a partner who is mine alone.
      Who can blame him?

      Reply
  • October 6, 2017 at 11:53 am
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    SO true so true. I have made up my mind today to. end. it. Sneaking off, quick meetings, glances at watch (him) me dying inside, in each other’s vehicles, snagged lunches at obscure places, drinks, movies (he saves me a seat so I can be like “oh! so you’re here too!”) walking quickly together looking to see if anyone’s about who might be watching, parking lot chats, hand clasps, long lingering hugs, I love you’s, my soul is yours, our love is deeper than that of what we share with our spouses, but we will never leave our spouses, it’s exhausting and degrading. It would kill his spouse if she knew. My spouse would kill him. Done.

    Reply
    • November 5, 2017 at 9:40 am
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      I am there with you. Trapped in an emotional affair. His wife found out. We’ve been together for six months, just friends jntially, then he begun to pursue me.
      Both of us are married, me twenty years. He twenty eight years. Both marriages are strong but we can’t seem to let go of each other.
      His wife found the volumes of contacts we’ve made to each other and we’ve gone cold turkey but it hurts like crazy.
      I am almost relieved that it was discovered as I was getting tired of the remote love affair.

      Reply
  • October 27, 2017 at 5:42 pm
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    This was helpful for me when I decided to end my affair. I had been involved with an other woman for 7 years (on and off). This guide is spot on. The only other step I would plan on is when the other man or woman reaches out to you.. It’s always better to be prepared . In my situation my former lover called on two different occasions at the three month and 6 month mark.. (I honestly thought I was in the clear) The first call I ignored and the second call she made from an unfamiliar number.. Lucky for me I had a script that I saved on my phone for a situation such as this.. I explained why we could never be together (citing statistics and common sense) and ended with a heart felt suggestion she seek professional help ( because I did). I wish her well but for me…. I was not willing to put myself through that situation again. It is not worth the pain to all involved.. You are living in a fantasy world and only fooling yourself….

    Reply
  • October 29, 2017 at 3:01 am
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    It’s been almost 6 years, and I ended it a few days ago, only because he’s too frustrated that I’m not ready to leave my husband and hurt my children. None of us want it to end, so it doesn’t feel like closure at all.
    Has anyone successfully gotten past the break up? Right now it feels like crazy pain that will never completely go away. Reading comments of people in the same place makes it less lonely, and the article felt very true, but the cost of losing the love of my life is overwhelming.

    Reply
    • November 14, 2017 at 5:31 pm
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      Wow, this is me only at 6 months.

      Reply
  • November 6, 2017 at 4:14 am
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    Joe has hit it spot on! There isn’t any way to successfully handle ending a relationship other than the way he describes it.

    In my case, I ended the relationship via a text. It was a complete surprise to her. The emotional trauma I am feeling is extremely difficult. In fact, it is the most difficult thing I have ever done, especially since we had been friends prior to the relationship. But there is one thing that has helped tremendously. I simply destroyed every single piece of evidence that I ever received during the relationship. Receipts, gifts, paper, and even the pens I used to write notes to her. I deleted every text and phone log, and cleared my Siri. I’m even considering going as far as selling my car and purchasing a new one…all to remove any evidence of her. Every song on my music account was removed that gave me any chance of thinking about her. Even my shirt which she really liked was thrown into the garbage.

    Yes, I may sound extreme. In fact, more than extreme. But in order for me to end things correctly, extreme measures have to be taken. Does it cure every emotion? Certainly not. I still feel very badly and long to see her. The temptation to contact her is overwhelming. It is the hardest and most depressing thing I’ve ever done. But I am convinced that healing willl come much quicker (at least for me) if I get her out of my mind for good.

    I wish everyone the best in overcoming their situations.

    Reply
  • November 27, 2017 at 12:04 pm
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    I have ended an emotional affair 4 months ago. I was in love with her the first day I met her but did not tell her about my feelings for the first 3 months. Then I just broke down and told her how I felt about her. She in return told me that she had feelings for me. A few in person meetings and lots of texts, calls. Never got physical but lots of emotions. During all this I was just going mad because I have never stopped loving my wife of 30 years. How can I love two at the same time, what should I do, divorce, end the affair. All these things a feelings going through my head. It was all consuming, confusing. Lost weight and getting depressed anxious and all that.
    One day I decided to end the affair and come clean with my self and my wife. It was D day. It was hard, very hard. My wife was devastated. The first few days after D day were really bad for both of us. I admitted that I still had feelings for this othe woman but I want to end it I want to save our marriage. My wife is the best person ever, she understood what I was going through. We decided to go and get marriage counselling. Things are getting better day by day. I am very happy about the decision I made that day (D day).
    Cut all contacts with the other woman, she has tried to contact me in the first few weeks but I avoided it, ignored it. I know that I have hurt her but hopefully she will find happiness one day with someone that is truly for her.
    I do miss her, I do think about her but it’s less an less now
    So this was a hard year but I know it will get better. Being in an affair is like a drug ending it is hard but with the right set of mind and goals it is doable and achievable.

    Reply
  • December 2, 2017 at 1:29 pm
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    I am too is in the same situation I’m having an affair with a married man. I’m living with my man for 18 years not married but we have 2 boys age 16 and 14. Its been 10 months I have been secretly seeing this married guy. Sometimes I would meet up with him one
    block away from his house he would pick me up in his car and he would drive inside the garage of his house and we made love in his bed where his wife and him sleep. It happened many times in his house and sometimes in his car. We meet up for lunch only to end up having sex or making love. We both wanted to be in the affair but now he wants out . We talked about ending it but it is hard. He’s married with 2 kids . He told me that he is not getting it at home. Hes getting very desperate for love, affection and intimacy from his wife. So that’s why he went out looking for that void that is missing from his marriage. He found it on me but now wants out and he feels guilty. Now he wants to end it we tried to end it the first time , it didn’t work. We exchanged I love u’s in a text and email and he had said he loves me in person but now he wants to end it cause he feels guilty for committing adultery. What should i do in this case since he wants out but I’m in love with this man! He said to me once, that if hes wife finds out that he would be ruined. He said he’s never going to leave his wife. I too would never leave my family. We both don’t want to leave our spouses.

    Reply
    • December 5, 2017 at 4:48 pm
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      Please call us at (866) 903-0990 Thanks!

      Reply
  • February 8, 2018 at 5:50 pm
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    I have been having an affair for the past 8 years with a man who was also married. 2years ago his wife left & they are since divorced. I am married to a great man, father & husband who I met when I was 15. We have been married for 26 years & have 2 beautiful children 24 & 21 years old. I work with my lover & one day after a co-workers party we went out to get a bite to eat & it all began. He came on to me and at first I was hesitant but then gave in. This was so far out of character for me, I couldn’t believe what I was doing. Over the years I fell deeply in love with him. Over the past 2 years I became a part of his family. Going to family functions, outing & getting to know his 2grown children. This past year while I’m therapy I was writing some things down on paper & my daughter found it which forced me to confess to her what was going on. I of course had to tell my husband who was devastated. He moved out which only made me be able to see my lover. 5 months later while feeling that I wanted to work out my marriage I asked him to move back home. I truly believed I was able to end it with my lover but that DID NOT happen. Throughout the years with my lover I tried to break it if abiut 5 different times. He is also a great guy, loves me to pieces & is promising a life with me. The other day my husband said he can’t take it anymore & we have to make a move. I read this article which I felt I wrote cause it describes my situation to the letter. I also read a book that my therapist recommended. I always felt that what my lover & I had was different than an affair. We were in love & could be happy together. However my kids, family & financial situations always were a HUGE CONCERN to me. Especially my kids. After reading this article I felt like a statistic & that my affair was just like all others. I sent my lover an email putting an end to our relationship. I blocked his number. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see him at work. We don’t work together every day but the times I have to see him, are so concerning to me. I am not in a position to leave my job. I know I need to stay where I’m at & Work in my marriage. I think of him often & am so very sad. I know he’s hurting too & that’s not helping. Any advice? Comments?

    Reply
    • February 8, 2018 at 5:58 pm
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      Wow! Crazy my situation is so so similar, so much so that it’s scary. I say stick to your guns. This to shall pass. Time heals all wounds. Try reading “the state of affairs” it may not all pertain to you but you will take something from it, I promise.

      Reply
    • March 6, 2018 at 6:43 pm
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      Please call us at 615-472-1161 so we can help!

      Reply
  • February 20, 2018 at 12:46 pm
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    I fell in love with my affair guy when we dated 29 years ago. He broke my heart, left me to date others. But still kept stringing me along. When he got married he met me to tell me. Told me I was the right obe at the wrong time she was the wrong one at the right time. We stayed friends for many years.. Then lost touch. I got married. We reconnected on facebook about 5 years ago, when he got a divorce. Had lunch a few times over the years. I think he knew I was never over him. Everyone knew he was my “the one who got away”. A year ago, things got flirty. I confessed that I had always been in love with him. We ended up having a very hot and steamy affair. My husband didnt know but we were having our own problems and he almost moved out. This gave us hope of being together! But husband changed his mind and stayed. We tried to break it off several times since then but we both were so weak. He told me last week that he is seeing someone now and we have to stop. Im still so in love.. Ive felt this way about him for 29 years! But want things to work out with my husband. Im devastated that he has someone new, but know that is completely irrational. How do I stop the sadness? How do I stop loving him? How do I go on? Ive made such a mess.

    Reply
    • March 6, 2018 at 6:41 pm
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      Please call us at 615-472-1161 so we can help!

      Reply
  • April 20, 2018 at 5:43 pm
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    this page is so full of the brokenness affairs produce. i never would think i would be looking for ways to end an affair, i married my high school sweetheart and she remains my sweetheart. but after 34 years of marriage she was not really interested in the physical part of marriage. let me tell everyone that is not a permission slip to do what i have done. so now it is 6 years later, i am a lover of the lord.. i know that is a big contradiction and yes i am the worst of hypocrites. the other woman is 10 years younger( i am 59) full story is i am a looked up to member for 30 years in the church i attend , i have never been judgmental and have hurt for people in this very situation. I fell into a sexual relationship with a friend who is very understanding (not from the church). I know that this is slowly killing me with guilt and unrepentant sin… yes it is sin and devastating to the believer. we both know the lord, and many times over 6 years have ended it……..tried. Its all been very secretive and probably would go on that way but i am done. I know this lady will not come after me, i am now trying to get over the guilt for all of this, and for the years i have wasted of her life and mine. she is single. My wife feels loved and would never expect this from me, no one in my family would or friends. I still cling to the Lord or i would have lost my soul and mind by now, his patience is over whelming… but i know not endless. I used to think how can someone who is a believer do that…Wow i now wounder how did i ever get here, and i truly mean that. these people commenting on this page and myself all this is so sad. And i know it was selfish, and all my doing with no reason. the spiritual battle is over whelming. I am done with this, but i will not expose this to all the people around me as way too many will be utterly devastated. Children, grand children church family etc. I read that is the wrong way, i will live with my shame and guilt as i have but i will not return to that sin.( If its brought out i will have to live through that somehow) I am letting go and will trust the lord to guide me as he always have (except for the last 6 years), i have come to not care for free will. Its so sad to read what i am writing as it really seams someone else’s life. ( but it surely is not, i made it) Now to the people here hurting the grace of the lord can save all, Me, you anyone who truly commits. I look at my guilt and shame that is the highest mountain i have ever tried to climb. but i know that i must or lose my mind and soul. Don’t ever give up he will not give up on you. I replied here because i just wanted to tell someone, there is no one in my life i can at this point, they all see me as a confident, love faithful leader, and this is the only article i have read in 6 years that slammed the nail on the head. I have a very hard time knowing how someone so close to the Lord could end up writing on this page. the scar of trampling on the forgiveness of God is terrifying. I pray for all here, and ask your prayers for me. I do not know how he would still listen but believe he does.

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  • June 25, 2018 at 5:50 pm
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    I’m highly in need of help. Please how can I get my husband to come back and love me again. We are thinking of ending our marriage. I still love him and i dont wany him to go

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  • June 25, 2018 at 5:50 pm
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    I’m highly in need of help. Please how can I get my husband to come back and love me again. We are thinking of ending our marriage. I still love him and i dont wany him to go

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  • August 2, 2018 at 2:02 am
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    I’ve been with my husband for almost 13 years now. At first my relationship then marriage was very unhealthy. My husband would emotionally abuse me and I was so in love that I would forgive and forget for years. About 3 years ago I started talking to a married man who made me feel wanted and happy all over again, Especially when the pain from my husband was there he would care for me. At first I leaned on him just emotionally enough to make the pain go away and then my husband would ask for forgiveness and I would always forgive him. Finally I was more involved with this other guy (talking, flirting, and yes eventually physically) that the pain that my husband would make would not hurt as much. In the beginning of the affair my marriage was so bad because I now started fighting back to the abuse my husband would give me, to the point where the papers started to turn and I was the one causing pain and giving him the cold shoulder when we got into arguments. My husband started feeling my careless of our marriage and me getting more distant from him. This kinda triggered something in him that made his actions towards me change drastically to the point of him treating me as I always wanted him to. Being the husband I always dreamed of. But by this time I was too far in the affair that my feelings for the married guy grow to the point of Love. We talk daily. All day. I’ve tried to end it so many times with him being very respectful in accepting anything I decide because he tells me how much he Loves me and how much he cares for me and just wants to see me happy. But we always end up together again. My husband has changed so much. We have 2 beautiful kids and my oldest daughter who isnt biologically his, hes taken her under his wing since day one. Hes a wonderful father to my kids and now a wonderful husband. And mostly the reason y I just want to be happy just the 5 of us. But the affair is still there, one thing I want to point out is that my relationship with this affair is not only with him. His sister is my best friend and I spend time with her, her daughter who calls me Auntie and her husband. We have a beautiful family relationship. But the worst part is that I also have a beautiful relationship with the married man’s wife and kids. I never ment for anyone to get hurt because I was hurting. I just found someone who was there when no one else was. I hate seeing his wife because I imagine how distraught she would be if one day all this came out. But mostly I would hate the affect I would cause to all 7 kids (his and mine) if the all came out, since they all treat each other like sisters and brothers. They even call each other that. Our all around (family ties) relationship is awesome, we vacation together and do alot of fun things together but we hold this one secret that kills me inside every time I see all of them. I live him not only for the person he is but because he cares for me no matter what but at the same time i fear loosing him as my love. We have shared deep secrets and hurts we’ve been thru with out spouses. Including his wife not giving him no attention (I see it first hand) his working hard to support his family when she doesn’t care how hard it is and expects alot when she doesn’t want to give nothing back. She never does anything for him. Things that hurt me because of the way I know I would treat him if I was in her shoes. I know because no matter what hurt I’ve gone thru with my husband I’m always there for him. I give him and attend to his needs as the wife that I am. I feel responsible in being a great wife and giving myself to him as I promised with only this secret lingering over my back, which basically overshadows all the good I do. I know I’m wrong and I know it’s not my responsibility to take care of another man that’s not mine. But I know myself, and all those who know me know that I will 200% make the world feel happy even if its costing me my health, my happiness, and my life. I want to be happy to but most importantly make my husband, kids, happy without hiding this any longer. But I feel I’m not strong enough and I can’t cut ties with him since this will also emotionally affect my kids and his. I know this is long but just wanted to get it off my chest, maybe this will make me a little stronger and will one day end this before it’s to late.

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    • August 27, 2018 at 6:54 pm
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      Hi, Jen. Thank you for sharing. Please give us a call at 866-903-0990 so we can help!

      Reply
  • August 30, 2018 at 7:46 pm
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    Well I was in a 3 1/2 year affair . It ended badly the ow threatened to tell my wife . I confessed to my wife and it took all the control away from her which she didn’t like . She messaged my wife . Who just ignored her . Her ex husband to be contacted me wanting to know what went on as she had told him she hadn’t seen me for 2 1/2 years I could not denie it as her neighbor had told him he had seen me leaving the house a few times .i am glad I confessed and now on the road to mending my marriage. I can’t turn back the clock but I can look forward to the future. If your marriage is strong it will survive

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  • October 2, 2018 at 8:08 pm
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    Sixteen years off and on (2002). At one time, we were off for 18 months. He was single (divorced) when we began and became engaged during an off time. He called me three months after he had married (2007). He lives 700 miles away. We have known each other since junior high school. Went “steady” then. Dated some in high school, a couple of dates after (never had sex). Then lost contact. He married, had kids and divorced and began searching for me. I married (1981), had kids and stayed married (now 37 years). I confessed to my husband once during the “off” times, but then when our marriage went through a rocky time, we just decided we would stay together, but do our” own thing.” That was heartbreaking for both my husband and me, even though I was free to be with my lover. However, though we ended that, my affair. began again some months later.

    I can hardly stand either life I’m living. I am going crazy. My lover has no intention of leaving his life, I would be devastated if I lost my family. Yet, I can’t wait until the next time I can be with my lover. At times my life with my husband is sweet and comfortable. Other times, I wonder if I can live another day with his passive aggressiveness. Times with my lover make it bearable even it’s just a phonecall.

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  • November 4, 2018 at 6:34 am
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    Unfortunately to I to have found myself involved in a very deep,intense loving affair. I am not married I am single he is married and he is the one who insisted we meet. We fell instantly in love right away and you we were soulmates right away. He is married with Children and we thought we could be together and things have changed and now he wants to stay but yet he still wants to keep me also. I’ve brought up me leaving several times even though I’m totally madly in love with him and he’s my soulmate but he refuses to let me go even though he refuses to leave her. I am extremely torn over this physically and mentally. he has become my best friend my supporter my everything and it would tear me apartto not be able to talk to him again.
    I find myself getting jealous all the time over women on social networks and the fact that he goes places with her and not me when I sit by myself most of the time. he talks to whoever he wants on social media yet if one person mentioned something about how nice I look or anything he gets very irate with me. I just wanted to have a beautiful relationship with someone, I’m not getting any younger. He says if I leave it will kill him and he’s been very insistent that I not leave. trying to be strong and there’s times and I think I can do it and somehow he always talks me out of it. Just totally torn it seems no matter which direction I go I’ll be heartbroken. I don’t want to hurt his wife or his family and that bothers me more than it bothers him and if he’s cheating on her how do I know he’s not cheating on me this whole thing has just consumed my entire life and even know I know the best option is for me to walk away I find it extremely extremely hard to walk away there has to be a change somewhere I need to get stronger or I’m afraid I’m going to get totally hurt Beyond repair. 😢
    Scared, torn and lonely in West Cali.

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  • November 19, 2018 at 11:02 pm
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    Omg I’m so glad I found this page!! I’m all so new to this. Im a strong believer in Christ. Let’s just say that. I never cheated in my life. Now I’m in an affair.
    Well my husband and I moved to another state when we got married well one day he was acting all suspect and I grabbed his phone while it rung. I looked through it only to find out he was planning on meeting escorts!! Escorts?! I was devastated. The kind hearted person I am I took him back he promised never to do it again. Now fast forward 3 yrs and now we’re married for 4 1/2yrs and we moved back to the original state and recently we haven’t had sex in over a week well I did what I do I looked through that phone and yet again he has contacted another ESCORT.
    So there was a number in his phone and it had one initial so I called it and it happened to be a guy. Well that guy called me back and he asked who I was and what was wrong because I was up crying. I told him and now its a fresh affair. I feel it, I’ve felt him, I’ve allowed him to get physical with me. I’ve pleased him 2x and it hasn’t even been a month. He’s telling me he wants to be with me, he’s everything I want my husband to be. He doesn’t seem like he wants nothing to serious he thinks I’m sexy and attractive but its all passion. We both talked about it how we don’t want it to go far, and how crazy this really is. NOw, it may seem easy to end its not easy. He’s my husband co-worker. They work the same shift and all. I don’t want it to goto far where years are involved I want to guard my soul. Its adultery!!! He tells me he want me to be his wife but its pure emotions. He ask me and I’m just not ready to leave my husband even though he wants escorts. I’m so torn I don’t know what to do… I know eventually I’ll have to end it and tell the truth but its his co worker. (Not close) If he never looked for an ESCORT I wouldn’t even have his co-worker number. I know I should’ve hung up but I didn’t know. Now I know its killing me. Please help!!!

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    • December 12, 2018 at 3:38 pm
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      Hi, Nicole! Please call us at 866-903-0990 so we can help!

      Reply
  • January 3, 2019 at 4:40 am
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    I really REALLY need some help and direction. My situation is incredibly similar and incredibly different all at the same time. 4 months ago, my husband and I started marriage counseling after 17 years of marriage. Over the years, our marriage has been a rollercoaster of disagreements between us with many lies from my husband, resulting in lots of resent toward my husband. In the beginning, I financially supported my husband while he worked on his Masters. I remember getting a letter from a co-worker of his when we were engaged, pregnant, and rather young (21). For those who think it matters, we were engaged for 6 months before we got pregnant. Anyway, that letter showed he had been engaged in an emotional affair at minimum but I didn’t get the chance to read it all because he caught me with it, grabbed it, and tore it up. 3 months later, I found an inappropriate email from a different gal, from a new job that was short and sweet but still showed some kind of flirtatious, emotional connection. Fast forward to the present, and I have never been number 1 whether it be all the stories he listens to from other women at work, his family, etc. I’ve also had to compete with a secret email account he erased everything from, an Ashely Madison account he claims he never did anything with, lots of financial lies with not paying bills on time, and then taking out loans through Lender’s Club without telling me. Over the years, I have verbalized my misery and how much I hate him. How everything about our marriage is HARD. He’s not a bad father…we have 4 kids now…but he’s not emotionally engaged with them and they often complain about how negative and mean he is. As for me, his love is more of an obsession or ownership. He admits to objectifying me for the last 17 years. He also now admits that for 17 years he believed I would have an affair and treated me as such staying one step ahead of my whereabouts by tracking me via Find My iPhone or Life 360, checking my phone regularly, keeping track of my purchases and bags, etc. I was aware of all of this and frankly, it drove me to where I am now. In October, I asked my husband for a trial separation and told him I needed space and that he was smothering me. The day I brought up the separation, is the very night my husband committed spousal rape. I verbally and physically objected to him several times and he didn’t stop until he was satisfied. Being a victim of sexual molestation from when I was young, he opened Pandora’s box for me and have struggled since. Per our counselor, he did move to his parents. He has been trying hard ever since. During this time, I found myself in the arms of another man…a good, good man. We could be good together, but I am not oblivious to Limerence. I’m afraid of making a mistake. This man reminds me that I need to leave for me, not for him or anyone else. I hate my husband for what he did to me. I don’t know if I can ever forgive him. I don’t know if he can change his ways. In my opinion, he’s rather narcissistic. I don’t know what to do! I’m afraid to leave financially and because of my children. My friends tell me to leave, that what he did to me is unforgivable. My husband seems so sorry, but this isn’t the first time sex has been coerced from him, it’s just the first time I said NO, NO, NO, please no! And tried to push him off me. Please help! I’m getting nowhere with individual therapy. She believes it’s okay for me to leave him, she believes he has power and control issues and also that he is narcissistic. I guess now that I have fallen into this affair, I am feeling like I messed up and now can’t decide to stay or go. I came clean with my husband and he is willing to forgive me, but I don’t know if I can forgive him. I can hardly be near him let alone intimate with him.

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    • January 7, 2019 at 5:35 pm
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      Hi, Stacy. Thank you for reaching out. We are so sorry you are going through this. If you feel unsafe, we recommend seeking safety. If you have any questions please call us at 866-903-0990.

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    • January 29, 2019 at 1:38 am
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      This advice is spot on. End it now! He is exactly right. Everything you think you have will go up in smoke in an instant. I would love to save just one person from this hell on earth. I would have given everything I had for this advice 25 years ago.

      Reply
  • January 20, 2019 at 11:57 pm
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    I am so glad I have found this article. I have been searching Google for answers on how to finally end an affair without feeling like the world collapsed. Like not wanting to feel again,or even started something like this,cause the pain is just so devastating.

    I am 32 yrs old,with one kid, and have been married for 10 years.
    I met this guy at work,33yrs old,who is also married,he also got one kid. He started talking to me a lot,he has a good sense of humor,he makes me laugh so hard,very intelligent and good looking. I was infatuated with him right away.
    One friday night after work,he asked me to go with him just to drive around the city with his convertible,I was hesitant to say yes cause at that time I started feeling deeper feelings for him,and him to me,but I said yes. And so we went,that’s when the affair started.We saw each other at work everyday,went to lunch together most of the time,and gave me lift everyday after work. We grew so close together. We go to hotel once a week,mostly friday nights. Then 6 months later,he found a new job and left.I tried ending it right after he left,cause I was really hurt. I was used to seeing him everyday at work. But he made me understand that it’s better that way cause people at work started seeing what we have going on.After he left for another job,we still tried and saw each as much as possible. He would call me in the morning when I’m on my way to work,during breaktimes. I fell for him so hard. I never felt like this before,not even with my husband.Hell,I didn’t even know that I’m capable of feeling such deep feelings or love just like this.We’re very happy together,were always laughing and makes everything fun. We did so many things together. He made me appreciate myself more. At some point,I felt like he knows me more than I know myself. It’s like he can read my mind,like he knows my desires. At first I thought I was just curious,cause I got married young and all that. But I was wrong. I know that he loves me deeply too. He is very patient with me,as I have been very confused a lot lately.I want to end it and focus on my marriage. My husband loves me so much and God knows I want to feel the same way for him just like it was before,but I just don’t anymore. But I know in my heart I can’t leave my family,and he won’t leave his family too. That was our agreement when we started.
    It’s been 10 months now,and during those times I have tried ending it MANY times. But we still end up going back together. The struggle is ,at night when I think about him and miss him so much ,I would send him a message or vice versa,then we’re back at it again.Sometimes I cry at night thinking that eventually this thing will have to end. The pain is unimaginable. Just thinking about it hurts so much. I love him so much.I don’t know how will I survive it.
    A month ago,he almost got caught by his wife. Since then we both agreed to lay low. And so we did,we don’t text each other as much anymore when he’s at home. But he calls every chance he gets. I had a very serious talk with him a week ago,telling him I want to stop. He accepted it,but 2 days later we’re back at it again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to tell someone about it just so I have someone to support me. But I don’t have the courage to tell someone about it,for me it’s a burden for that person to know something to keep as a secret.
    I have never felt heartbroken before, I never understood why people get depressed after a break up,but now I do. I guess when you love someone so deep,the pain will be as deep too. Sometimes I wish I have never met him. Life now would be easier.
    I want to end it,I need to. I want to reconnect with my husband for the sake of my son.
    What will I do? How can I stop myself from going back to him? Telling him it’s over is easy, but how will I stop myself from missing him so much and how will I stop from contacting him everytime I miss him?
    How will I stop myself from feeling this pain?

    Reply
    • January 25, 2019 at 8:37 pm
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      Hi, thank you for reaching out to us and sharing part of your story. You are not alone. Here at Marriage Helper we have worked with thousands of marriages in your exact situation. There is hope. Please call us at 866-903-0990 so we can help.

      Reply
  • January 22, 2019 at 9:19 pm
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    Hi Everyone, I hope my story helps someone out there in this situation. Mine has some interesting (and very heartbreaking) twists. I’ll use pseudonyms and altered places to protect everyone involved. Be forewarned, it’s long – and very recent.

    Background: I (“Mike” – 50 years old) have been married for 26 years to a good person (“Diana” – 54 years old). She (like anyone) has her share of flaws (as do I), plus a background of childhood sexual abuse by her stepfather. We have one child (“Martin” – 17 years old), who is a wonderful son. Diana is an excellent mother, and usually a very good spouse. But two specific “flaws” have bothered me throughout our marriage: 1) She was often unhappy for what I perceived to be no good reason – like waking up on a beautiful Saturday morning in a bad mood. Or – my classic complaint – I would get home from work before her and be working on dinner in the kitchen and she would come home from work, enter the kitchen, see me doing something she didn’t like, and storm through the kitchen without saying a word and go upstairs. I always found this to be ultra-rude and insensitive. And this particular flaw was noticed by everyone – friends, family, etc. (not just me). The usual euphemism we all used was that Diana was “moody”. And flaw #2): Diana is very passive when making love (I’m assuming probably related to the abuse). As in usually just lying there quietly. I often wasn’t even certain when/if she had an orgasm. We’ve had pretty frank discussions about sex and I’ve often told her I need more, and we even enjoy watching the occasional porn together, but she’s just been, well, a very boring lover. And the last bit of background: our marriage has never been very romantic – from the very beginning. We sort of got married because it seemed like a reasonable next step. It certainly hasn’t been terrible, just not a tight bond between us, and I somewhat resented her for that. But overall, I would say we did function as a very good family unit. Our son is well-adjusted and our careers are doing well.

    Now to the present mess (I’ll leave out some details for brevity): I travel for business often, and last year (March 2018) I was in Argentina staying in a hotel and feeling lonely (and horny) so I put up a quick post on Tinder saying I was interested in “adult fun”, and did not mention my marital status. Surprisingly, I got a lot of hits very quickly (all in Spanish – which I do not speak – thanks Google Translator), but one woman in particular (“Selena” 54 years old) caught my eye because of her big beautiful smile – just beaming — that happy person I was craving. In her profile, she made clear that she was only interested in a long-term relationship. She was also 2 years post-divorce from a 25-year marriage with a very controlling spouse. I promptly ignored the long-term relationship part, and Selena didn’t read my profile because she doesn’t speak English. However when I texted her that night, she made clear that she was not interested in “casual sex”. I clearly remember responding that “sex between us would never be casual”. She seemed to like that response and agreed to meet to talk in the hotel lobby. When we met, I was overwhelmed – she was exactly what I had hoped: beautiful and brightly cheerful. And she liked me too. We sat in the lobby and talked (through Google Translator) for hours. After which we said goodnight and agreed to do the same thing the next night. And we did – another evening of hours of translated discussions. We really enjoyed each other’s company. At the end of that evening on the way to her car, I kissed her, and she reciprocated. It was an electrifying kiss. The third night, we went to a romantic dinner and afterward, she had me drive through a beautiful city park and then park the car. We then had an incredibly romantic, intimate, and erotic make-out session – felt like we were 18. We drove back to the hotel and ended up in my room where we made passionate love and fell asleep in each other’s arms – true bliss for both of us. But a small warning bell was going off in my head – we were falling for each other. I could feel it. But I ignored it for the moment. The next morning, while rolling around in bed, she found my wallet and was looking through it and found several pictures of my wife and I. I just lied. I said we were separated and working through the divorce process. She accepted the explanation at the moment, but I could see a hint of concern in her eyes.

    The next several days were more of the same – blissful discussions, holding hands, gazing into each other’s eyes – the whole romantic nine yards. From what I’ve learned on MarriageHelper, we were fast falling into limerence. Now, I’m not a monster, so I began developing some severe guilt over the deception I was creating with Selena (but oddly, did not feel any guilt over deceiving my wife – I felt like she had had her chance). I discussed the situation with my best friend (“Tim”) and his response was quick: if you have true feelings for Selena you absolutely must tell her right away that you are married and let the chips fall where they may. So the next night, after dinner, I sat her on the bed, and — through tears – told her I had been lying to her and that I was most definitely married. She was furious and deeply hurt – it was a bad scene, to say the least. She scooped up all her belongings, stomped to the door and flung it open to leave and had one foot in the hallway, all the while I was both begging her forgiveness and asking her not to leave (I had picked up a few critical words/phrases of Spanish). She paused, and – against her better judgement – turned around and came back in the room and fell into my arms crying. We decided that we would just live for the moment and enjoy our remaining 5 days together. And the days (after we got off work) were beyond fantastic – ecstasy. We were every bit “madly in love”. For our last days together we planned a weekend getaway to a resort area and we had an unforgettable time together. Then came the tearful goodbye at the airport. We both said we had met 25 years too late. We parted crying and we both assumed that was the end.

    But, oh my, I can attest that limerence is real and works like a tractor-beam. Despite the obvious language, cultural, and geographic obstacles – and my married status – we got back in touch via WhatsApp within the week and were texting daily. We longed to be in each other’s arms. Fortunately – or unfortunately — my job called for me to visit Argentina frequently over the upcoming year. And each time we saw each other the bond became ever stronger – ever more consuming. Now, my son was in his senior year of high school and I certainly did not want to mess that up, so I came up with a plan to keep our affair secret until he left for college, then I would get a divorce, file for a fiancé visa for Selena (a looooong process), bring her to the US, and we would get married and live happily ever after.

    Right. That lasted until June (recall we met in March), when the guilt overwhelmed me and I told my wife I had met another woman and was deeply in love with her. My wife was, of course, deeply wounded and went through all the emotions you would imagine, but resisted the advice of everyone (including my parents) to “throw his sh*t out in the street” and I stayed at home living in the spare bedroom. She basically said I would need to choose. And thus began a 7-month living hell in which I flat-out could not make a decision. I still saw Selena periodically, including even a trip with her to the US. And we broke up no less than 5 times. But each time the gut-wrenching agony in our hearts pulled us back together. We were certain we could not live without each other. And our intimate bond seemed ever tighter. We were on cloud 9 when we were together, but when separated, it was brutal. Selena needed frequent, long texting or she felt I was ignoring her, and I just didn’t have the time for the texting sessions. All the while my wife vacillated between demanding I leave, or waiting to see if I would come out of this. Eventually she amicably filed for divorce, which I agreed to, but because neither of us was certain we REALLY wanted a divorce, we dragged out the process for months (warning: divorce – even amicable — is expensive – we wasted a lot money on attorneys). So this hellish existence continued for months in which each day I would wake up and say I was going to make a firm decision – divorce and Selena, or say goodbye to Selena and attempt to reconcile with my wife. But I never could. I had days at work in which I spent the entire day spinning a quarter on my desk waiting for some lightning bolt of wisdom to show me the “correct path”. But day after day, it never came. My work production suffered, my time with my son suffered. The holidays were abysmal. I lost 12 pounds. I got sick frequently. And still there seemed no path for me. Yet I was certain that Selena was the one for me for the long term. The person that I wanted to be sitting with in a rocking chair on the porch watching the sun set at age 80. And just as Dr. Beam says, I (and Selena) thought this was my one chance in life for that relationship ecstasy that everyone dreams of. This was a one-time gift I had been given, and to let it pass by would be something that I would regret for the rest of my life. My heart told me that this was my one chance at “true happiness”. And Selena was equally certain.

    But my logical side – what remained of it – kept trying to warn me about the myriad obstacles and penalties: the profound pain it would cause my wife, the effect on my relationship with my son, the loss of half my assets and a huge chunk of my income (for alimony), and having to leave the house that I’ve raised my son in. And I was equally concerned about the penalties Selena would pay: leaving a very secure, government professional job (that she had a degree in) and pension, leaving her two adult children who were just out of college, and eventual grandchildren, her extended family, and her culture. Her possible loss of identity when she was unable to practice her trained profession in the US due to inability to attain licensure and a language barrier. I envisioned her sitting disillusioned in a small house in the US while I was at work, alone in a foreign culture and unable to speak the language. And eventually becoming bitter about the price she had paid. But Selena — being deep in limerence — felt this could all be overcome – that “true love conquers all.” And with me being ultra-madly in love too, I wanted to believe it would work too. So I told my wife we should continue with the divorce process (through a mediator this time) and I would move out.

    And that brings us just about up to the present. Two weeks ago, I summoned some courage from somewhere and broke up (again) via WhatsApp – crying the whole time as I composed the message. I knew a text message breakup was cowardly, but also knew I couldn’t face her and break up – the pull was too strong. Alas, I had another mandatory trip to Argentina scheduled that Selena already knew about. I texted with her prior to the trip, but attempted to maintain our broken-up status in the texts. But in my heart, I knew what I really wanted – to see her waiting for me at the airport. Which was why I did nothing to prevent that from happening. And sure enough – and to my intense joy – we fell back into each other’s arms. The bliss returned. We squeezed each so hard and felt the intense love flood through us – both of us ecstatic that it wasn’t really over. That our chance at lifelong happiness hadn’t been lost. And the next four days were blissful again – romantic dinners, passionate lovemaking, the works. But the tiny (very tiny) voice in the back of my head was still there telling me there were some serious logic flaws in this plan – and the tiny voice scared me.

    And then it happened. My wife sent me a link to Dr. Beam’s video “How to End an Affair with Someone You Love.” She had been randomly searching the web, and came across multiple of the same type of “How-to-End-it” articles and sent those also. But 4 words on Dr. Beams video title caught my eye . . . . “with Someone You Love.” This seemed to be the only article/video that acknowledged the possibility that I could actually be deeply in love with Selena – not just some fling. Of course I’m skeptical of just about everything I find on the web that’s not from someplace authoritative (e.g., Mayo Clinic, Harvard.edu, etc.), but I decided to read the article solely based on those key words in the title. And I was thunderstruck – the article described EXACTLY my thoughts and feelings. Then I watched the video and was astounded that Dr. Beam had been exactly where I was – and had actually gone so far as to divorce his wife to be with his lover. And that indeed the feelings wore off and the end result was bad. For me, that gave him – and his advice — instant credibility with me. I recognized that I must be in limerence – I was certainly madly in love with Selena. And she with me. But according to Dr. Beam, that was going to wear off. And then all those obstacles and penalties that I knew about would come roaring to the forefront and likely doom our relationship. At that moment, I sat on Selena’s bed in her apartment (she was downstairs cooking) and tried to convince myself that we were different, that our relationship was different – that our love was eternal and we would be in the rocking chairs together at age 80. But Dr. Beam was adamant – compassionate, but adamant – that it would end, and likely end badly. And he had the academic research, the vast counseling experience – and the PERSONAL EXPERIENCE to back him up. I was crushed to my soul. Staring me in the face seemed to be irrefutable evidence that I (and Selena) were in a state of love that was not only unsustainable, but likely to be something we both regretted deeply at some point in the future.

    So the next day at work, over a series of texts, I told her we needed to break up (again). She was blindsided. I knew that she deserved to hear this in person, so I told her I would drive over to her house after work and we could “discuss” it. Via text she asked me to come into her apartment to discuss it, but from past breakup experiences with her, I knew exactly how bad this was going to be for both of us, so I said I would only meet her on the sidewalk. But as I was driving to her apartment, I was losing my nerve as I got closer. When I finally got there, I was sobbing uncontrollably (I know – very manly) – I was every bit of the word “distraught”. I just sat there crying for at least half an hour. Then suddenly Selena popped into the passenger side of the car and began crying uncontrollably too. It was a horrible scene. We hugged each other like our lives depended on it. Selena begged me not to break up. She swore we could make it past every obstacle – that our love was undeniable and otherworldly. And I badly wanted to believe her. I really, really wanted to believe that we could ride off into the sunset. But Dr. Beam’s words kept ringing in my ears: “It always ends”. So with my last ounce of emotional strength, I leaned over and opened the passenger door and sort of physically pushed Selena out of the car. Yes – imagine that scene for a moment – it’s exactly as horrible as it sounds. You’re deeply, madly in love with someone, you’re crying uncontrollably, she’s crying uncontrollably – and you have to push the “love of your life” out of the car and drive away. I don’t think I was far from a heart attack – I couldn’t breathe, my heart was squeezed, and I couldn’t feel my legs. I managed to drive about 5 blocks out of sight and then had to pull over and just scream and cry. It was bad. Really bad.

    So here we are now, 1 week later. I explained the whole situation to my wife. She saw the obvious trauma I was going through and decided that I was paying my pound of flesh and was willing to attempt to make our marriage what we wanted (notice I didn’t say “repair our marriage” – our marriage needs a full remake – not a repair).

    I didn’t follow Dr. Beam’s direction explicitly to cut off all communication immediately (I know, that’s potentially a serious mistake), but I felt that would be too harsh. So as I was at the airport, I texted back and forth with her to allow her to vent her feelings, but I avoided saying anything that would lead her on (no “I love you”, etc.). And of course, just texting her made me cry. Then after I landed back in the US, I stopped reading all WhatsApp messages (I only used WhatsApp for Selena). Sure, I could have blocked her on WhatsApp, but again, that seemed too harsh. I just let the messages pile up unread. Dangerous, I know. Then she began emailing me. And messaging my wife on Facebook (which was not uncommon – Selena and my wife had intermittently messaged each other in the past. Nothing bad, just conversation). So my wife composed a nice FB message asking Selena to give us the emotional space to try to work on our marriage. Selena, in her profound pain 5,000 miles away, was less than charitable in her response. Understandable. I also composed a single email and acknowledged our deep feelings for each other (I avoided the word “love”) but said we could no longer communicate. She sent several more emails – some pleading, some vitriolic, but then she quit.

    So for those of you out there in some manner of the same situation, here’s where I am at now emotionally: I’m devastated. I wish I could say otherwise, but it’s the truth. I miss Selena dearly. And it kills me to think of the anguish Selena is going through alone. I’ve deeply hurt Selena and that thought squeezes my heart like a vise. Even as I type this I’m on the verge of tears. But I believe in Dr. Beam’s words and so I soldier on. With each day I hope that my pain (and Selena’s) will ease a bit. I wish I could say there was some way to make it easier, but if there is, I sure haven’t found it. It hurts really, really badly. Every day. I’m just trying to hold it together mentally until (hopefully) time heals some of these wounds. Geez, I hope it doesn’t take too long.

    As for my wife: she watched many of Dr. Beam’s videos, and thus understands my pain is willing to allow me to grieve over my loss. Which makes her a pretty special person. And don’t get me wrong – there was no dramatic tearful recommitment between my wife and I – we BOTH know that we have to make some dramatic changes in how we relate to each other if we’re going to avoid going back to a barely adequate marriage. We may try to attend the Marriage Crisis seminar in a couple weeks. It’s expensive, but certainly far cheaper than bloodsucking lawyers (a bit of dark humor there).

    Finally, a heartfelt “Thank You” to Dr. Beam. One week ago, your video literally changed my life. Hearing it from an accomplished academic – WHO HAS ACTUALLY BEEN IN MY EXACT PLACE – was a game changer.

    Reply
    • January 25, 2019 at 7:52 pm
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      Thank you for sharing some of your story with us. We are here for you. We have seen thousands of marriages saved from situations just as you have described. Please call us at 866-903-0990 so we can get you connected with a client representative and provide you with information about our workshop.

      Reply
  • January 29, 2019 at 1:28 am
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    This advice is spot on. End it now! He is exactly right. Everything you think you have will go up in smoke in an instant. I would love to save just one person from this hell on earth. I would have given everything I had for this advice 25 years ago.

    Reply
  • February 9, 2019 at 7:14 pm
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    First, I am incredibly grateful for coming across this article. I have been in so much pain for the last week as I’ve been attempting to end my affair that has been going on for about 2 years. I am so deeply in love with this man and would do (and have done) just about anything for him but I’m so exhausted from living two lives. We’re both married and he swears it’s only for the kids, which I can empathize with but I’m ready to start a life of my own and travel and have children and just be at peace. I’m truly struggling though because this man loves me with such intense conviction and would protect me, care for me, and love me so passionately until the day I die. He knows me better than anyone has ever known me and I’ve never been so intimate with anyone ever before. I must say, I do love my spouse dearly though. WE have history, family, and have overcome some of the hardest days together. I’m just so lost and need help please. I should also mention my mild fear that my lover will come forward with all of the evidence of the last two years which I could never survive from with everyone knowing the truth. Please, please help.

    Reply
    • February 15, 2019 at 7:55 pm
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      Hi, Jade. Thank you for sharing some of your story with us. Please call us at 866-903-0990 so we can help!

      Reply

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