Welcome, Guest. To use the forums, please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?
February 10, 2012, 01:56:45 AM
Home Help Login Register
News: The next Marriage Helper Seminar is February 10-12! Click here for information!

+  Marriage Forums
|-+  Sex
| |-+  Difficulties and Challenges
| | |-+  Neither of us is interested....What now? 		« previous next »
Pages: [1] Print
Author Topic: Neither of us is interested....What now?  (Read 4123 times)
cnacy
Newbie
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 2


View Profile
« on: November 30, 2009, 10:39:41 PM »
Ok - can't believe I'm actually using this forum - as many of you know me!!! YIKES...but here we go....we are all Christians and humans....so...

I have been married almost 15 years...we are really struggling right now marriage wise with our sex life....we have not been intimate in probably 8 weeks now - we have talked about it - but we both say we are not really interested.  He says he just "doesn't really want it right now"...."I go thru stages where I want it once or twice a week...or sometimes not for several weeks".  I am fine with it most of the time because I am too tired to do it anyway.  I suffer from severe sleep apnea - which is being treated but is still a HUGE issue.  Plus, I'm overweight and not real attractive in my eyes.  The lack of sex has drifted us apart in all the other areas of our marriage.  We have a nightly routine of getting kids in bed - watching a show - I usually fall asleep - he stays up on the computer - and we see each other in the am.  I guess I'm frustrated because neither of us seem to care that much.  UGH!  What is wrong with that!  Ok - I'm done.  Thanks for reading - if you have any advice - I'm open.
Logged
admin
Sheriff of these parts.
Administrator
Full Member
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 119



View Profile
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2009, 08:28:24 PM »
It might be best if you actually just do it even when you're not in the mood. That's what the research says. If you do it when you don't want to, and make sure you have sex at least 3 times a week then your desire will probably come back. But you've got to push through the times when you're not in the mood. Most people get in the mood a little after they start anyway.

Maybe talk to him and remind him how important it is to your relationship. Ask him to commit to 3 times a week. Plan it. Treat it like a scheduled chore if you must. The research shows that doing that will help bring the desire back.

I hope it helps.
Logged
chefsean
Newbie
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 32



View Profile
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2009, 02:58:30 AM »
I've personally known marriages to last years without intimacy. It's not that unusual for a married couple to lose interest in sex to have it cycle back around where they are making love regularly.

I'm not saying I recommend it, I'm just saying it's not as uncommon as you would think.

The weight problem can be an issue but more for reasons of movement than attractability.

You should also be aware that somewhere in the back of his mind he may be unknowingly preparing for you to have major health problems, and that can be causing a wall to build up between you two.

I'm afraid I can't answer the 'What's Next' question any better than Admin did in his reply.  Before he sits down on his computer drag him into the bedroom or ask him to come in and visit you before it gets to late. Hold you. Snuggle with you. You're lonely. You're scared. You don't feel like sleeping alone tonight. whatever you are feeling at the moment should work to get him in there. Once he feels what it's like again things may start back up.

 Chef Sean
Logged
"If the divine creator has taken pains to give us delicious and exquisite things to eat, the least we can do is prepare them well and serve them with ceremony." -Fernand Point
pappabear
Newbie
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 49



View Profile
« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2009, 10:12:16 AM »
I can't imagine going years without it. I think that would be very bad for a relationship. Even if the couple doesn't think they want/need it, they really do. Even when I'm not in the mood, I feel a loss of closeness if we go a couple of days without it.
Logged
cnacy
Newbie
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 2


View Profile
« Reply #4 on: December 02, 2009, 09:54:56 PM »
Thanks guys - I do believe we just need to do it - and he will if I ask him for it I think.  The thought of 3 times a week makes me laugh out loud almost.  But, baby steps I guess.  We are both in bed at the moment - but both have our laptops on!!!  What is wrong with this!  :-)
Logged
Joanna
Global Moderator
Full Member
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 222



View Profile
« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2010, 09:20:40 AM »
cnacy,

How are things going? Any better :)
Logged
"Marriage problems? Get off your tail and do something about it." ~ Me
yknij0523
Newbie
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 2


View Profile
« Reply #6 on: August 10, 2011, 11:39:02 PM »
If you both don't have the time to understand each other or to make love, it is best to talk. You two need to settle things up before it's too late..
« Last Edit: September 13, 2011, 02:14:39 PM by Joanna » Logged
yknij0523
Newbie
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 2


View Profile
« Reply #7 on: August 10, 2011, 11:41:34 PM »
Make sure that you both should talk. In this way, you two can assure that you can save your marriage.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2011, 02:14:27 PM by Joanna » Logged
MartinaMc
Newbie
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 1


View Profile
« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2011, 01:27:19 PM »
You may want to start dating again with each other. If your weight gain is an issue then that can be fixed.
Also try cooking together or taking a class, your bond needs to be strengthened if your marriage is to survive and be happy.
Confidence is very sexy and it sounds as if your levels may be low. Get a good babysitter and plan some date nights.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2011, 02:14:11 PM by Joanna » Logged
songman61
Newbie
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7



View Profile
« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2011, 10:05:37 PM »
the key words were..."I'm overweight and not real attractive in my eyes."
First dear, our eyes do not matter...it is how your husband sees you that defines desire.
Second...lose weight. I speak from experience, having carried a few too many myself in the past. I am driven now, to stay fit...every aspect of my life has improved.

Listen people, I do not care what ANY expert says...speaking as a life expert who has managed to stay alive for half a century, and be happily married to the same woman for 20 years,  father two great kids, and still have time and energy to make love to my wife damn near EVERYDAY...SEX MATTERS!! As much as communication, as much as bonding, emotional closeness...marriage without sex is like life without eating? What is the point? Just be roomies...

And if you would like to have the Christian perspective OK...here it is...read Song Of Solomon. Looooooots of lovin' goin' on in that book. If you need verbiage interpretation, please post...I was pre-sem some years back...(guess what 'sporting' means...)

This level of dis-interest, fatigue...is NOT NORMAL for a healthy marriage. By the way...what do you think your husband is doing on the computer so late...Hmmm?

Yeah...I know what he's doing! And so do you!

Do something that makes you feel good about yourself...take that first step! Then, put the spark back in your marriage, by taking control of it! Hearken back to little things you and your husband used to enjoy. Romance and success in intimacy is found in the little everyday things! Notice each other! Do simple things together...(shop, do the dishes). Time spent does NOT always have to be a date, going out, sex...

And to any man who says shopping, dishes etc. is girl stuff...I submit, you are not a man at all...just a big boy with a confidence problem who is probably afraid of his wife.

To those that think me arrogant or too 'in your face'...I invite you to read Larry Winget's "Shut Up, Quit Whining, and Get A Life". There is such a thing as too much 'touchy-feely-overanalysis'. Sometimes we need to get angry with ourselves, in order to get our butts in gear and take action.

Forgive me... but do 'yall hear yourselves? It's kind of pathetic! Step up people...be proud! Take your lives back...lose weight...eat healthy...make love to one another...MORE THAN ONCE A MONTH!!!!!

DO IT NOW...WHAT IF THE WORLD REALLY DOES END IN 2012!!! AAAGH!!!
It's just not that hard people...
Logged
Dax
Newbie
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 3


View Profile
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2012, 10:30:11 PM »
Admin is dead wrong and songman61 has it right.  What research says forcing yourself brings sexual desire back?  Women always get told this (I'm a man).  Why should you?  songman61 suggests a solution to bring on the good feelings that should lead to intimacy.  I'd add to it by saying people need to dynamically engage with people, community, friends, adventures.  Other people fire us up.  The solitude of long term relationships is a killer.  Shake it up.
But Songman, if all is so good, why you hangin' on the forums? :)
Logged
Neither of us is interested....What now? - Pages: [1] Print 
« previous next »
Jump to:  


Login with username, password and session length


Marriage Help Forums © 2009-2012 Beam Research Center
Powered by SMF 1.1.12 | SMF © 2006-2009, Simple Machines LLC
marriage help | marriage seminar | marriage books | marriage compatibility test | joe beam | marriage articles | marriage questions