I've been married for eleven years and my wife has never been interested in sex.  We didn't have any physical intimacy on our honeymoon, and didn't have sex between the conception of our three kids.  When I would try to discuss this she would shut the conversation down by saying "I don't love you, I'm not in love with you and we shouldn't have gotten married".  For the past four years she has tried to have a better attitude about our marriage and really believes that her heart has changed.  But there is still no sexual component in our marriage and no desire on her part.

I spent the first seven years of our marriage with a loneliness that I didn't even know existed before I got married.  Then I just got angry.  I didn't take it out on her, or anyone else, but it has affected my outlook on life.  Now I'm getting to a place where it just doesn't matter.  It's drained my passion for everything and I think that is my biggest casualty.

I don't view porn; I want a relationship with a real person, not a fantasy with a picture.  I've struggled with the desire for an affair, but I know that would create WAY more problems than it would solve.  I don't want a divorce because the wife always gets the kids.  I feel stuck.  My life is going by and I don't feel like I'm living it.

Thanks for the response, admin.  I haven't given up hope - well, maybe I have, but I'm still here.  We took the LovePath 911 seminar 2 years ago and she came out of that saying "I finally understand what you've been going through.  I get it and we can change things."  We had one great week, but then it was back to the way things have been since we got married.  She just is not interested in emotional or physical intimacy.  The immediate response is "she must have been molested.  There must be emotional or physical or sexual trauma that prevents her from being intimate."  I don't believe that.  We dated for 5 years before we got married and she would be the first to say that she was a different person then.  Some weeks before we got married I believe she confronted for the first time her necessity to chose between me and her dad (not a choice that I ever forced on her).  I think she stayed with me geographically but chose her dad emotionally.  I think while we were dating I was her little rebellion, the test of her independence, but when it came right down to it I wasn't really what she wanted.  I know I wasn't what her dad wanted.  As her dad was walking her down the aisle, out of ear-shot of the guests, he said "you don't have to go through with this.  We can just keep on walking."  While she finished the ceremony, I think that emotionally she did keep on walking.  And, emotionally, she has never shown up.  We've tried counseling, I've tried giving her space, we've tried talking.  And I'm left with "she just doesn't want me".  I don't know what I can do to change that.  She often says to friends that if anything ever happened to me she wouldn't get remarried, marriage is just too difficult.  I don't think she is any happier than I am.  Neither of us takes it out on the other, but she says there have been too many problems for us to get beyond.  So I guess we're stuck.  I have never in my life been a fatalist but I think I'm faced with the choice of staying with things the way they are or leaving, and i don't like either choice.  Any ideas?

Wait... Stop right there...  I can only imagine that she was somewhat sexual before you got married right?  Then suddenly... you get married..  and she's not in the mood?

You should have nipped that in the bud immediately - "Lady, When we got married we had specific expectations of each other.  That the intimacy we share together will continue to grow and become more fulfilling... not immediately stop the instant we got married.  So... are we going to share intimacy, support each other, grow closer together emotionally and physically?  Or should we go and get an annulment now because I am not interested in spending the next 11 years having a few scraps of affection every now and then!"



Your response should have been:
"Great!  Thank you for letting me know you don't love me and are not in love with me.  Let's do something about it because you have obviously regretted marrying me. 
Let's get divorced so that you can find someone who you DO love and ARE in love with... and I'll do the same."


Then her heart has not changed towards you.  A woman who has given her heart to her man, will ALSO be wanting to meet his needs, and her own as well.


You aren't living... and you ARE stuck.  But your kids are going to grow up eventually and move away.. and then where will you be?  Will you still be waiting for your wife to come around?  Or would you THEN get divorced and start living?

And so what if she get's the kids?  THAT is pretty much the ONLY thing she wanted from you.  You can still take care of, support, and see your kids whenever you want while at the same time... live your life with a woman who WANTS to be with you.

Don't put up with this situation any longer.