Im dying inside

[JKristy]

here is the deal I met my husband 5 years ago. It months of him trying for me to give him a shot. I had been divorced for less then a year and wanted to make sure I was ready. WE have 5 kids though none are for him and i together. I love his like my own.

We got married a year and a half ago. We were excited. We never went on a honeymoon because he was working in Vegas during the week. we have had a lot of hard times. That include my x and his x trying hard to split us up. We have dealt with alcoholism and several deaths in the family.

I love my husband more then anything, some even say I am to in love with him. We fight a lot and yes I am sensitive, in his eyes to sensitive. I have been reading books for step coupling and step parenthood. But here areour problems

Communication- we both talk but don't always hear what the person is really saying.
Power- I feel he has to always be in control. His way is the only way. I don't agree. I feel there are many ways to do thing the right way. I feel that at time my husband is the first to put me down and the last to pick me up.

Marriage is put last- I put our marriage first and feel that a strong marriage is the foundation to a healthy household.  Also I feel that a marriage take time and maintains and with out both that it will fall apart. I feel that he everything else is put before him and I.

Hard let down- He gets all excited then lets me down. For birthdays Christmas and anniversaries he will ask what do you want or i know what I'm gonna get you teases and gets me excited than nothing which hurt. This year for our one year anniversary we went to dinner which i had to plan. he didn't understand why i had our kids stay somewhere else then he didn't even get me a card making me feel like to him our marriage was nothing to celebrate.

Money- he makes decent money and I'm always telling him how i appreciate all of his hard work, but i make less money and he makes it clear that he pays for everything and without him i would be nothing, yet I do pay half of almost all the bills. I have tried to get a second job but he doesn't want me to and I am going to school to try and finish and also to get a raise. So I am trying.

Kids- I feel he puts his kids above me. I understand that they were all they had for awhile and i am not trying to replace anyone. but the comment's hurt once he told me his 11 year old daughter was more woman then me because she didn't need reassurance of his love.

Parents- He hates my parents, I do understand that he doesn't agree with they things they do or say and neither do I sometimes. I stand up to them. But no one in the house can even mentin them of he gets mad and starts bad mouthing them. Either way they are my family and I love them. He makes comments putting them down sometimes i feel that its almost jealousy about their success. I love his mom but sometimes I feel over ran. This years she said from now on she is coming over Christmas morning to watch the kids open presents. So now he is all we have to get her a stocking and this and that which hurt my feeling since in 5 years he has never done anything like that for me. Maybe I'm a little jealous but it makes me feel like I'm last in his life once again. And I don't make him or push him to see my parents but it always about his mom. But my family is crap yo him.

Getting away- he always talks about him and I going on a vacation just him and i we have two times in the 5 years we take he kids a lot and i do love it. but everything I try to plans something away for him and I like a romantic weekend he want to take the kids. i need adult time. but he said he doesn't want to leave the kids out and that his mom always took him till he was 16. we have great willing people who have offered to watch the kids but he wont.

All i ask for is to feel his love. I think I love him more then he loves me. I express it to him but he is not into feelings at all. I feeling like a needy woman but I'm not difficult. we have tried to get help but he feels attacked. we have a lot of issues and i feel our marriage is worth saving i don't want to be without him or the kids. Please help give me some advice and if any guys read this please tell me from a guys view what do I do. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEase help.