Hello,

Should I believe my wife?

Here's the background:

While I was deployed to Afghanistan my wife went out with a male friend to a bar on two different occaisons until 530 in the morning or later. A couple of months later she invited him to spend the weekend with her at her parents where she was staying while I was gone. She told me that nothing happened, but I have a hard time believing or trusting nothing sexual happened. I'm a man and generally wouldn't trust myself in a situation similar when drinking. After the first two incidents I told her that it wasn't right or respectful to me. I've never put our relationship in jeopardy and never would put myself in a situation to cause distrust She knows this and tells me that all the time. My question is: Should I believe her when she said nothing happened? I would like to know how many men/women would trust someone if they did the same to them?

thanks,

I agree with Joe.  One encouragement, though.  Rick Reynolds with Harboring Hope defines an affair as "the keeping of secrets."  You didn't indicate, but if she volunteered the information (as opposed to you having to catch her), then there is some hope.

My wife had an emotional affair several years ago.  As hard as it was to hear some of the particulars, I actually received a great deal of comfort knowing that she was being totally open and honest with me.  The facts still hurt, but her vulnerability meant a ton. 

Your wife may be trying to tell you something if you read between the proverbial lines -- specifically that there may be some emotional need she has that this guy is meeting (and she'd like for you to meet instead).

Strictly from an affair perspective, I don't think she would volunteer this information if she were trying to hide a sexual relationship.

Just some thoughts....

I am going through a similar situation though I am not a soldier I am a police officer.  My wife is puting herself in the situation to be able to have an affair by giving guys a ride to and from Narcotics Anonymous meetings.  Even after I told her that it bothered me she continues to do it.  Then I find 162 text messages between her and one of these guys in one night and ask her if she is seeing him she got mad and began yelling at me saying that I was instagating a fight.  All I wanted to know was if she was or not.  In your case though I say trust her on the sex part but, I agree that there could be an emotional affair going on there.  Best of luck to you. Also thank you for your service brother!!!!!!!!!!!

I think most of these replies are full of garabage.  Coming clean that she did these things while you were off fighting for your country's affairs may be her way of calming her guilt.  This should have never happened; once, twice, or three times (that you know about).  And what were her parents thinking....helo, this is a married woman!

I think there are quite a few good points here, but there is really one very important thing missing. You and your wife need to sit down and draw lines. You have got to be deadly honest with what you are comfortable with and you both need to agree to a set of rules.

Is it ok to be at a mans house alone? In a car? Eating out? Communicating in a non transparent manor often?

These may seem extreme, to obvious, but I think you will find they are all valid. Do you think the man whos wife had 162 texts between her and a man would be upset if they were emails that were easily looked back on? Or have you considered that a great number of affairs start over an "innocent" meal?

If you make these rules, she and you both know what is and is not acceptable, there are no dangerous surprises etc.

I agree, however there is some merit to the fact that said line was not really well defined and recognized before. The rules while they should be obvious, are easy blurred by anger, temptation, hurt, etc., unless a conscious effort is made to make sure they are not.

I would not believe her. First of all, as a married woman she should have not been hanging out with this guy like that and then bring him home to the parents. I feel your pain. I caught my wife talking to a guy a month before we separated and she says they were just friends but about 2 months ago I found out that he has been staying at my house on the weekends. I would go with my gut feeling and not believe her. I hope things will get better for you and your marriage can work out. As for me mine is pretty much done. I am a type of man that I can not deal with infidelity.