Hi everyone - my first post here.

Am I out of my mind or what? Last week my wife (Nancy) and I went to out marriage counselor (Sara). Toward's the end of the session, I said something that upset Nancy and this distressed Sara. Sara insisted that we come back for separate sessions this week, which we did. I suppose that she couldn't trust me to be in the room with my own bloody wife!! I have been surfing around and reading warnings about marriage counselors that really are therapists and don't know how to handle COUPLES. They prefer to work on individuals.

At my session I got right to the point with Sara and shared with her my concern that we missed a good opportunity to learn how to communicate. I said something and Nancy got hurt. Great. Now why can't Sara teach me to speak in a safe kind of way that doesn't hit Nancy's victim button. And then teach Nancy that I wasn't trying to hurt her. Take a few deep breaths, walk out of the room for a few minutes if need be, then come back in and calmly assert your position. Or give us some other ideas!!

What did she do instead? Teach us to separate and sweep it under the rug.

So how did Sara react to my concerns? She told me that she was the professional and that I must trust her and that I have a control problem and that Nancy is a sick woman because she is depressed. I asked her what I could do over the next week to make the marriage better and she didn't have any suggestions. I think that Sara is not expecting anything to improve. Rather, she is just trying to get Nancy to cope at a minimal level.

Don't get me wrong - Sara has really helped us over the years, and especially Nancy. But I think that she needs to stick with therapy for individuals only.

Your feedback is solicited and valued - thank you!

(names are fictional)

Hi!  Sorry about your situation, mine is quite similar however I am the wife in the situation!  Your counselor's comments, particularly the "teach us to separate and sweep it under the rug" advice, is exactly what our counselor said.  My husband took it to heart, and now we never resolve anything because he walks away.  She also said that it was my fault that he hits me, as I make him too mad!  That did so much damage to our marriage that I think it's unsalvagable at this point.  She took his side in every situation save for the porn issues, and now whenever he fights he says it's all my fault because "the counselor said so."  She really didn't give us any good advice on how to talk to each other more effectively, she just told us to leave the situation and talk about it later, which never works because I am too scared of him to ever approach him about my feelings when we aren't fighting.  Some counselors may be great at what they do, but she's done more harm to our marriage than good.  My advice is to find another counselor who'll teach you to communicate your feelings to each other in a calm, respectful manner.  Truth about psychology is that everything they teach in college is a theory, so there is no concrete evidence that any of the crap they tell you even works.  I found out later that our counselor was the same person who counseled our neighbors, and they ended up divorcing but he still went and thought she was great.  My husband won't go to another counselor because he found one who agreed with him, so I guess we'll never go again (we've since moved from the area).  I went to a Chaplain about our problems and my husband wouldn't go, and the Chaplain couldn't believe I was still with my husband after everything he's done to my kids and me.  At any rate, good luck with your situation!  Chris B.