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Author Topic: Intimidated and Weary  (Read 4859 times)
Prichard
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« on: December 08, 2009, 06:04:10 PM »
I hope someone can help, I am running out of options.  For the last 10 years, my wife and I have been struggling with this problem.  Sex is a huge need for her, for me as well, but less so.  I feel intimidated, under pressure.  There are no health problems, I can perform if relaxed.  But how do I force myself to relax?  She's tried to stop anything that appears to pressure me, but I know how much she needs it.  Even if we happen to have a good day together, I know the expectations are probably higher.  When evening comes and she can see the panic in my eyes it breaks her heart.  I've lost count of how many times she has cried herself to sleep.

I've tried marriage books, seminars, three different marriage counselors, (not to mention spending time on my knees in prayer)  but can't seem to break the cycle.  This affects the whole relationship, I feel pressured to communicate and can't seem to pull the words out of the air, so I give her silence or meaningless small talk.  We spend lots of time together, but it is empty.  She is incredibly angry with me for not being man enough to figure it out.  She has given up meeting my emotional needs, and after 30 years of marriage says it's all up to me now to pursue her.  She admits that her lashing out at me probably makes her less desirable, but, at that point, she doesn't really want me anyway.  There have been so many disappointments, weekend getaway failures, lost opportunities, something has died within her and all we have is this sense of gloom and heaviness.  Recently, she is rejecting my attempts to make love to her, tired of the let downs and all the baggage. Instead, she wants hope that something will change, something I can't honestly give.  I am weary of the pain and the fight of trying to figure this out.  Can you help?

Thank You,

Prichard

Note:  I tried to place this question on Joe's blog, and it kept giving me a verification code error (even though there was no verification code available)
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chefsean
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« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2009, 07:50:48 PM »
Hi Prichard,

If I'm getting the drift correctly in the past 10 years you two have been having sex regularly, the problem is simply that a regular amount is not enough for her and it's causing extra pressure on you?

If that's the case I have a couple workable solutions best not spelled out in open forum.

If I am wrong about my assumptions of the problem please correct me or go further into detail.

Either way, if you click on my name on the left (chefsean) and then click on 'Send this member a personal message.' we can talk more.

Ps. I've been on this forum for a fairly short time and I'm not sure how graphic I can be and there is no way of edtiting your own posts(after a couple of hours the edit option goes away) is the cause of my hesitancy to discuss further in open forum.

 Chef Sean
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"If the divine creator has taken pains to give us delicious and exquisite things to eat, the least we can do is prepare them well and serve them with ceremony." -Fernand Point
Prichard
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« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2009, 11:15:23 PM »
Quote from: chefsean on December 08, 2009, 07:50:48 PM
Hi Prichard,

If I'm getting the drift correctly in the past 10 years you two have been having sex regularly, the problem is simply that a regular amount is not enough for her and it's causing extra pressure on you?


Hi Sean, thanks for your post.  Actually, sex is rare, because the problem of not being able to relax is constant.  It is a vicious cycle, because the more days go by, the more tense the situation, the more dread.  It is sabotaging the bedroom and the marriage relationship in general.  I don't think it's an issue of technique, my guess is that the problem is the mood, the disposition.  Discussion does not help because it only reveals the hopelessness of the problem.  We've finally stopped talking about it because it's the same discussion over and over again with no resolution.

Thanks again,
P
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N1Branch
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« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2009, 12:39:13 AM »
Hi Prichard,

       I don't know if this will help, given that only you and her are aware of the full situation, however I just wanted to see if it would. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and for about the past 3 years we had a problem similar to yours. Quick question, Is your wife going through any biological changes? If so that may be part of the problem. I say problem because for my husband and I it involved both of us.

I am very near to my forties and about three years ago, recognized in myself, a need to bond with my husband more than we usually did. While sex is an important part of a marriage for both parties, for women, it is much more on an emotional level. However there is also a very physical part involved for us as well and scientifically at these times for women, we are just bags of raging hormones. I felt like I was never satisfied and that really stressed me out. Physically, I was so tense my muscles ached. This really made me angry. My husband and I had many nights of stressful episodes and I felt like he was not doing enough to support me. In the end I saw how my communicating in the wrong way created a vicious cycle of him not being able to perform, and me feeling unwanted and unsatisfied. I am not sure how good you guys are at communicating (30 yrs? You guys must know a thing or two about that!), and sex is always a touchy subject, or at least it was for us, but it is necessary that you guys talk about it.

Anyway, after I gave up on having sex with my husband also, I started to walk/run. I began exercising 4 times a week, for 40 minutes per day and that helped me out in several ways. I released endorphins in another way which helped me relax. I was not tense and I started to smile at my great husband. I fell straight to bed because I was tired and most importantly my husband and I shared nights where we were content just holding each other which helped our relationship as well.

Now these are not the only things that helped because I still wanted sex more than he, however, in addition to exercise, communicating about how we felt really helped. My husband told me that I had made him feel as if he were impotent when that really was not my goal. I realized that I had to step back and take a look at myself and analyze my feelings. After rationally thinking it through I came up with the exercises and we came up with new ways to have sex. We came with different times of the day, as well as different relaxing settings and places.

I don't know if your wife feels unwanted, but if she does, there is no worse feeling. I felt after all of our talks and the stress of it all like sex had become a chore for both us . I also don't know the specifics of your problem but I hope hearing my story could help. My husband and I are fine now. 
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Prichard
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« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2009, 10:44:21 AM »
Hi N1, thanks for sharing your story.  I do relate to your husband.  It sounds like at some point you had to re-think your approach.  If I can read between the lines, you somehow affirmed his worth to you, helping him relax and gain confidence. I am so glad that you both figured this out, that part is encouraging, thanks!

In my situation, imagine another 5 or 10 years of the vicious cycle with no end in sight.  My wife knows that I need similar affirmation that you gave your husband.  Unfortunately, she feels that it would result in me paying *less* attention to her.  You see, my career and my life is suffering as well as my marriage.  I can hardly function on bad days.  Her fear is that if she meets my emotional needs, it will release me place all my passion in my life and career and not in her.  So she feels, "what's the use?"  She has told me she hates being the way she is, but has no motivation for being different.

In this situation, maybe I am letting her control me, I am allowing my own self worth to come from her approval of me.  Perhaps if I could be independently strong and happy, I could relax and then meet her needs whether or not mine are being met.  Unfortunately, I can't seem to reach that state of mind.  Meanwhile she is very angry and hurt and I have nothing to offer her.

P
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pappabear
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« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2009, 02:22:39 PM »
Prichard,

I'm glad to know that you take your wife's needs seriously. Too often when a man is expressing a need for more or greater sexual fulfillment it is dismissed as unimportant. You note that she cries herself to sleep over it and I think that in itself demonstrates how important sex truly is to us as individuals and as married couples. I think that even when people don't think they need sex that they have a lack of sexual fulfillment that they don't know about.

Anyway, on to your issue. I'm wondering if you've tried "putting her in charge" of your sex sessions. Let her "use" your body. You are just basically laying there. But with the understanding that you're free to take over or participate at greater levels if you wish. That could help get you comfortably involved and help your confidence. Just a suggestion. You might also go to the bookstore and check out some of Joe Beam's stuff on sex.
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Prichard
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« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2009, 04:40:59 PM »
Hi Papabear.  Thanks for the post.

Unfortunately, my wife does not want to take charge, that's exactly what she needs from me, leadership, romance, and passion.  She feels too much of the marriage responsibility on her shoulders, since I already tend to be a follower, and take my cues for how to lead from her, and that's a big turnoff.  She needs a take charge guy who is relaxed and confident and will take her somewhere exciting. 

I have read Joe's earlier books, and probably should read the LovePath book.

Thanks again,

P
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Prichard
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« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2009, 11:48:21 PM »
Joe, are you there?  I would love to hear your comments!

Thanks,
P
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Joanna
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« Reply #8 on: December 19, 2009, 08:50:31 PM »
Prichard,

Sorry to hear things aren't going too great for you and your wife right now. You say that she's the leader and you're the follower...most of that may just be your personality. If she's a commander (likes to take charge, ect.) and you aren't then that might be a lot of your problem. Neither of you know how to deal with that. Have you considered attending the LovePath 911 workshop? That would help both of you see the different angles in your marriage and how to deal with each other on a whole new level.

As for you not being able to relax, have you tried having a glass of red wine during the evening? It's great to help calm nerves. You've probably already done this but, have you just sat her down and told her how you feel and asked her to help you not feel so pressured? It can be done. You can get back to the place where you will be able to take control and be the husband she wants/needs you to be. You just have to take a new approach, and think of ways you haven't delt with this yet. Or, go back and explore similar options but this time with a new attitude. Like, if you've tried talking to her, don't do it in a "I'm a terrible husband because..." way or anything that makes you look weak. That's NOT what she's looking for. Make yourself be confident when you talk to her.

That's my opinion on this, I hope at least some of it helps :)

Joanna
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"Marriage problems? Get off your tail and do something about it." ~ Me
Indiana Joe
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« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2010, 09:31:18 PM »
I know this might be taken as a joke, but it's not. Have you considered a powerful vibrator and a big bag of rubber sex toys? It would take the element of physical adequacy out of the picture, and it would probably come across as bold and daring, even if you're meek and mild. Just like...make an experiment out of her. Get a stopwatch. Get a notebook. Make her an object of wonder. She's exceptionally sexually wound up, way more than you. So let it be your asset. Mine it like gold.

You don't have to measure up to her or compete with her. Just enjoy her!
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