To answer your question, YES it is worth fighting for! You have a son together and, if for nothing else, fight for your marriage for your son! He deserves to have his parents together.

From what you have  posted, it's hard to believe that he's not involved with this girl. Like you said, the evidence is piling up...and it's not promising!!

You just have to put your big girl panties on and take the chance and ask him to go see a counselor. If he doesn't want to spend week after week in an office talking to a counselor, then maybe you should ask him if he'd be willing to spend just 3 days in the LovePath 911 workshop for marriages in your situation. It has a high success rate...saves 77% of marriages that come (every 3 out of 4). And you can say "Give me 3 days. After that, if you still want out then we'll start the process."

If he refuses to go to either, then I guess you have your answer regardless.

I'm sorry things are this way for you and I'm sorry that your son is going through it as well. I'm sure it's not easy to raise a child in a seemingly hopeless marriage.

Hope this helps!

I think you should focus on the root of the problem - your affair. Talk about it, express to her that it was a temporary mistake and that you feel very guilty. If you don't talk about it it will still be present in your marriage every day...

Keylogger is good.

Hi everyone

I've been married to my H for almost 5 years. We have a son together 3yrs old. Came to the States to marry him after a year of long distance relationship, we got married in Upstate NY, I had a part time job while I waited for my green card, I was happy there because it's a city, 6 months after our marriage we moved down to a really small town in AL then not long after I got pregnant. I had a really high risk and hard pregnancy resulting in our son being born 5 weeks earlier. I really thought I suffered from post partum depression but I didn't know what it was or even bother to talk about it with my doctor, I just pushed H away, refused to have sex with him the whole time. I was very unhappy in that town, I couldn't drive, my green card process took forever (I didn't get it until my son was like 3 months old), I had no friends, the town doesn't even have public transportation, and also I had to deal with my then 11 years old stepson. I never married before and when I dated H I always thought the kids would stay with their mother. I guess part of me wasn't ready to be a step mother. Perhaps I had built myself a set of how my marriage life with H would be and when it didn't happen I started to emotionally feeling detached to him. Thinking back I knew he stood by my side the whole time I was so depressed and I know how bad I was treating him and still carry that guilt until today.

He found a job in China in early 2008, I didn't agree with this because the company refused to sponsor our visas (me and my son) but H went along with it, saying I'd be happy there. I resented the move and I went home to stay with my parents. During the 3 months I was away from him I got to contemplate on how bad I was treating him in AL and I wanted to fix this marriage.

So I went to China but I found that he gave a girl a place to stay as a favor for his friend (that's what he told me), I was so shocked, mad and hurt but I tried to believe his story. He said nothing happen but I knew he was already a different men then. I apologized to him because I realize all my mistakes and I owned them. He said he forgive me but he's still distant and so cold. We didn't even had any sex the whole time I was there. Because the company and we can't apply for my resident permit there I had to go back to my home country in Indonesia. Total I spent only 2 months there in China out of 1 year he was there.

When his contract ended, I asked him to come here while he wait for a new job. He didn't come until being unemployed for over a month. Three months after that he got a new job, a really nice position in one of the airline here. They sent him to France for a business trip only 2 days after they hired him. He stayed there for 4 weeks. I accidentally checked one of his email account that he barely use and there I found an email from a Chinese dating site. I went there, managed to get his password and saw everything he's been talking to girls there, reading his profile of looking for a nice girl for a serious relationship and possibly marriage, put his status as divorced. I was crushed, I was mad I yelled at him over the phone. Again, he said nothing happen, that he never meet them that it was just an online thing because he was lonely when he was in China. There was not one word of sorry from him.

When he got back, we moved to our own place provided by the company. Then just last week, a day after my birthday I found pictures that he emailed to this girl from his Blackberry (he didn't know that it would still be stored on the Sent folder!). Plenty pictures of her in bed, two pictures of them together, 1 in a plane somewhere (last month when he said he had to go for an outstation audit trip - later was confirmed by the company's driver, the girl was there when the driver pick him up), one of the picture is him holding her from behind, all smiling and I saw that sparkle in his eyes...the kind of sparkle I haven't seen since we left AL.

I moved out but to this day he still denies anything happen between the two of them. At first he said she's a flight attendant just being silly, then next she's someone from work who happened to be on the same flight. I had found out her name and she's one of his staff at work. He said I can't confess something I didn't do even with the evidences piling up.

He's been so cold since China, we barely had sex even when I initiated it he would refused. We're living like roommates and I tried and tried to show him I love him but he just shot me cold and I guess I finally gave up trying. He worked so much, sometimes he didn't come home at all. I started to feel even more unhappy than I was before. I had told him, email him, writing him letters telling how much I want his old self back but if he doesn't love me then I will set him free, to which he only reply I love you and I want to be with you, if not I would've walk away a long time ago.

Today he said in his email that he still can't let go of what happened in AL even after I apologized, he still hold it against me. While I still can't let go of all these 'girls' I found out about and I told him this. He agree to separation for now.

I do still love him but how can we move past this? Is this even worth fighting for? I feel so guilty for my son...I know he miss his Daddy and still needs him but I'm afraid to let him go alone with our son because he used to threat me that if I'm going to leave him, our son will be staying with him.

I had found two English speaking marriage counselor here although I doubt he will want to go since I had begged him to go to counseling in China but he refused.

I'm just so lost. Part of me doesn't want to file for divorce but part of me is still hurting so much from all his affairs even when he keep denying them and I still do love him.

Sorry for the long post. I can be very wordy when I type something.

usedtobe,

If you have any inkling that your relationship with this man is starting to go in a direction where (you feel) it doesn't need to, then you need to just end it. Some of the signs are him opening up and telling you negative things about his marriage. How his wife is terrible at meeting his needs (any of them). And if he is looking for you to lift him up in any way, like you saying "Well, that's not true! How can she be that way toward you? You're great." Or anything like that, then the relationship has crossed a line.

The fact that he is married needs to be the #1 reason you end this....now. You're feelings are probably right on this one and I know you don't want to be the reason he "leaves" his wife. It's so easy b/c it does start out innocent, but a line quickly becomes visible and if you think he's there, then you need to walk away.

But all of this is just my opinion. I may be way off, or I may be right on....any other thoughts?

Can anyone recommend rules, or signs to look for?  I'm divorced and have reconnected with my high school flame.  He is married.  This was completely innocent to begin with, but I'm starting to worry that he's crossing a line.  What are the clues and how should I handle it?
Thoughts and advice are welcome.

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Thanks for the info Joanna and Joe. I'll probably see if he'll look into the natural stuff first. That's healthier than the drugs anyway. And maybe we'll look into the machinery if we have to. But up until just recently he hasn't had this problem.

I'm liking the third and the final suggestions Joe made as temporary fixes (or occasional treats). Up until recently we've been a couple of sexual dynamos with each other so hopefully this will all turn into an unpleasant memory very soon.

IF you seriously want to do something to get him to stop drinking, you can find a document here that will guide you through an intervention process. Solve the drinking problem and you likely solve the ejaculation problem.

http://www.joebeam.com/Intervention.htm

Arggh! Still too busy to answer this as it should be answered. May I suggest a book by my friend Barry McCarthy, PhD, who is an expert in matters sexual

Get his book Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style: Sharing Desire, Pleasure, and Satisfaction (Paperback). Amazon has it for about ten bucks. http://www.amazon.com/Discovering-Your-Couple-Sexual-Style/dp/0415994691/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268173913&sr=8-2

If you look down a little on that page, you will see the "Customers who bought this also bought" section. You can scroll through ten screens of other books that are similar. Some of them look quite intersting. May have to put a few in my library. (My PhD work is in sexology.)

At some point all men have an "erection disconnection." That's why drug companies make billions off products such as Viagra.

Remember these three things.

First, a man doesn't have to have an erection to orgasm. Neither does he have to have an erection to give you an orgasm. Erections are basically a transfer tube for sperm. Of course, they can cause friction of the woman's clitoris and the feeling of his being inside her can be very comforting and meaningful. If it "ain't happening" go on with the lovemaking anyway. Make sure that each of you has an orgasm if you can.

Second, there is a vacuum device that you can find in most drug stores. Unlike Viagra, it doesn't increase blood flow by medicinal means. It actually creates a vacuum around the penis that draws blood into it. Then an O-ring is placed at the base of the penis to keep the blood in. This works for many men.

Third, if the guy is willing to concentrate on the pleasure of the female, he could actually buy a dildo type apparatus that he places over his flaccid penis that creates an artificial erection that will please the female's sense of being filled, as well as possibly creating friction on the clitoris.

Finally, in response to the lady who said that her husband cannot climax because he continues to focus on her previous affair: Remind him that he can choose to think of something other than that. Ask him to concentrate on wonderful times you've had together laughing, talking, hugging, even pre-affair intercourse. If he chooses to remember the you that he didn't feel hurt by, he can have the orgasm again in all likelihood. (The fact that he doesn't could be a subconscious way to punish you. Help him get the hurt out. Take him to a counselor if you need to.)