I will buy the book and I have researched limerence but that just seems to refer to a crush on the other woman? I want to know why I dont see my wife in that way anymore.. Is it just familiarity, am I just comparing a new relationship to that of 16 years, did I never really feel it for my wife in the first place or am I in love with the other woman and therefore not able to have those feelings for my wife?? alot of people have read this post but only one reply!! I really thought I would get some help coming on here and bearing my soul for all to see!!??

Hello all.  I am looking for some advice and not sure where to turn to so any help would be appreciated.  

My husband and I have been married for less than a year.  We met at college over 3 years ago and have been together since.  I love him dearly and he is an absolutely fabulous man.  He is kind, generous, smart, funny, and everything else I could ask for in a husband.  We are both established in our careers and work at full time jobs that are stable.  My problem comes in with his family business.  As I've stated, he works at a full time job and makes a decent living but then comes home to work at his family business.  He puts in 40+ hours per week at his job then at least that many at his family business.  I understand this business is important to him, as he's grown up around it but takes up most of his free time.  He often comes home late at night after I've been home for hours by myself.  I get upset at him for "abandoning me" and then he gets upset b/c he says all of these things need done for the business.  I do go and hang out with him at the business sometimes but can not spend all of my free time there.  I understand he wants the business to succeed but at what cost?  He has several other family members who work at the family business, but it is not able to fully support many families.  I feel the fam business is more of a "hobby" but he does not see it that way.  I had to move a few hours away from my family to be with him, because he would not move away from the business.  I have not yet made a lot of friends here and feel lonely a lot of the time.  I appreciate my husbands work ethic and drive but think he needs some sort of balance.  We are not benefiting from the business financially and he does not get a paycheck.  I'm not after money and do not think him getting paid would make any difference in this matter.  I love my husband dearly and he is a great husband...when he's around.  I am lucky because a lot of men are out at clubs with their friends, mine is just out at all hours working.  What should I do or say?  I am NOT considering leaving him and know things will work out, I just wish I knew what to say to get him to cut back a bit.  I have discussed this matter with him but I haven't yet said anything that has made much of a difference.  

Well, one thing that we all have to learn as new husbands is being able to comprehend that we should remain diligent about not placing ourselves into compromising situations. I think the next thing we have to do is evaluate ourselves and learn to look at things from the reverse. How would you feel, for example, if she had gone on a trip out of state and had taken a coworker out to lunch and gotten a thank you kiss after the fact? I think that the honest answer would be to state that you would be equally as angry with her as she was with you. Although the lunch was as innocent as you said it was, realizing that it probably was not the wisest decision knowing full well how your wife feels about your past is something that needs to be understood. This goes along with realizing that she is obviously very insecure about your past and that she requires reassurance and not further reason to mistrust you.

The trip to the strip club would also fall into the category of probably not the wisest decision considering the circumstances that we have evaluated thus far. Although you state that you became aroused and had a 'misfire' instead of actually engaging in a specific act with the dancer, it holds little weight at this point because of the fact that once again you have placed yourself in a compromising situation.

I know the reputations that some of the 'fighter jocks' get since I was in the USAF many years ago and worked as a crew chief on several fighter aircraft such as the F-16 and F-15. I worked around many of the pilots and was keenly aware of their high flying antics in and out of the aircraft. Some of these were merely myth while others made no effort to dispel any of the rumors concerning their extracurricular activities. Military service is rough enough on spouses without them also having to deal with the reputations that follow many of their service spouses around from base to base. Service members must take great diligence in dispelling any rumors concerning themselves while also making an effort to not place themselves socially around individuals who are adamant about maintaining the myth of the typical 'fighter jock', or whatever MOS they may hold in the armed forces.

At this point, I believe that you have much more at stake than a mere promotion to Captain. Your wife is very hurt and you need to decide what the most important and responsible option is. I think that command is probably keenly aware of your activities and going to them to request leave to appropriately address this issue would be advisable if you truly love your wife and wish to save the marriage. Granted, this may put off any promotions for some time, but it would certainly be the most mature thing to do. If you and your wife decide that the marriage is worth saving, I am certain that many others here would also recommend counseling to try and address not only the present issues, but also the ghosts of the past. One thing that those of us who have served in the USAF learn is that although the most advanced fighter aircraft in the world are indeed 'fly by wire', life rarely is.

I pray that all works out for you...

Gman

I'm a 25 year old Lieutenant in the Air Force. I fly F-15s here at Nellis AFB in Las Vegas. My wife (she's 24) & I have been married a little under a year, & its been an ok marriage. We both met in college at UC Boulder while I was in AFROTC, & she was a student employee for the department. I admit, yeah, I used to be a really big party animal & I dated & slept with a lot of women in college, & my wife constantly won't let me forget that, but I mean I've tried to change since then. I've never understood why she just can't let the past be the past.

Anyway, the other evening when I got home from the base, we both got into a really huge argument because she confronted me of & accused me of cheating after I got back from a TDY assignment to Luke AFB in Arizona. She found a receipt from a restaurant in Phoenix for lunch for two that I had meant to put in the shredder, but forgot, in the pocket of one of my flightsuits when she was doing laundry, as well as the fact that she found lipstick on the collar of my flightsuit. I told her all I did was take one of the civilian secretaries from my squadron who went with me & a couple of other guys in the squadron on the TDY to lunch, nothing more. There was nothing sexual about it or anything. I never even slept with her or touched her, it was just a friendly lunch, nothing more. The lipstick was just from a quick 2 second friendly kiss as thanks for the lunch. My wife went overboard on me, she started throwing my clothes out into the parking lot of our apartment complex, then she went & smashed one of my favorite bottles of cologne that she bought me last Christmas. She told me that our marriage was over, & that I'm just a womanizing b@st@rd. I also called her a few names & said she should be sticking by her hubby, to which she told me to go to Hell.

Anyway, I decided to go cool off for a few hours while she just locked herself in the bedroom crying over nothing in my opinion. I drove around for a while, & then remembered a couple of my buddies in my squadron told me about this strip club just off the Strip. I decided to check it out to make me feel a little better. I went in & then I bought a couple of lap dances. I had a lot of alcohol as well there, so I was pretty drunk.

During one of the lap dances in a private room, I ended up getting a bon*r. I had these Levi jeans on & the pressure of it pushing on them was just too much to handle & I ended up blowing my load. My boxers were soaked. I was thinking about staying a little longer, but I was feeling a little sick from all the alcohol I drank. I was going to drive back home, but then I realized I was too drunk to drive & couldn't even walk straight, so I just got a cab home & left my Jeep at the club.

I got home & my wife was waiting up for me, saying she was worried about me & wanted to talk to me, but I just told her I was too tired to argue & just wanted to get undressed & go to sleep. She seemed pretty upset, & as I was getting into bed, she noticed my boxers & the c*m stains on the front of them. She accused me of going to see the woman from work I took out to lunch. I told her straight out that I did not go see her. I don't even know where she lives. I told her I went to a strip club instead, & she pretty much started slapping me & pounding into me, saying I was a cheating b****rd, & that going to a strip club was even worse in her eyes. She also said if I remember correctly that she is going to go to my CO (which could ruin my military career if she tells him she thinks I'm cheating) & made me sleep on our couch. Anyway, the next morning she left me a note saying she is going to stay with her mom back home in Denver, where we are both from, & that she wants nothing to do with me, & said I'm no different than when we were in college. I tried calling her, but her Mom answers every time & refuses to put me onto her, saying that I'm no longer her son-in-law as far as she's concerned & that I don't care about anyone but myself, & I'm a poor excuse for an Air Force Officer & called me a typical fly-boy. Her mom's always hated my guts anyway. She's saying I need to get on the next flight back to Denver and go groveling on my hands and knees to my wife to beg for her forgiveness. How am I supposed to explain that kind of leave request to my command? Plus I have other obligations here in Las Vegas to attend to. I have a feeling my wife might divorce me over this. I really don't want to go through a messy & expensive divorce, I don't have the time for that & I do love my wife.

I mean I'm really getting worried she's going to speak to my CO about this. I just wish she would believe me that I'm not a womanizer. Am I really a bad person because of this, & a poor excuse for a USAF Officer like her Mom said? I really don't want to ruin any chances of being promoted to Captain over this.

Hang in there, Have the two of you tried therapy together? It helped me. I just recently found out that my wife of ten years cheated on me. While I am far from ok the therapy helped. Not so much on what happened during the sessions but it was the fact that the two of us knew the sessions were coming so it kept us concentrating on each other and trying to make life good. I think when you have nothing to look forward to you start looking backwards reliving the past. But I feel your anger and I too struggle with it on a daily basis. I am still looking for answers my self thats why I'm on this forum. Good luck to you.

We would love to help. Please give us the opportunity.

I wish I had the time to answer in detail. The reason that you have little sexual desire for your wife but did have for another woman has to do with brain chemicals. It's in my book, Your LovePath, in chapter four. If you prefer not to buy the book, at least do some web research on the word limerence. We'd love to help.

I have been married to my beautiful, loving wife for 10 years and we have been together for 16 years, we have 2 children. We met as friends as she worked for me and after 2 years got together. It was all very exiting at the beginning, we bought our first house, got married etc etc We did have sex but it was not regular and infact she did question this before we got married, I guess we thought I had a low sex drive and was not a very tactile person. I had only had 2 serious relationships prior to that and they again were not massively sexual.

As children came along the sex got less and less frequent, every couple of months became once or twice a year. Our first child took 2 and a half years to conceive, not because of any physical issues but mainly because we were not having sex often enough at the correct times. I remember feeling a strange kind of relief when she fell pregnant as this meant we would not need to have sex for 9 months.

The strange thing is that I find my wife stunning, I always have and I have always felt very lucky to be with her. We always got on extremely well and people used to comment how happy we were.

My wife settled with the fact that I was just not that interested in sex but pressures of life and a young family caused us to argue about things in a way that we never had before and the affection in our relationship started to go as well.

I met an old friend whilst out one night, we had so much fun and I felt a strange physical attraction to her and I could feel that it was mutual,  one thing led to another and we kissed. I felt mortified and thought about confessing all to my wife which I should have done but I could not stop thinking about the other woman. We did not meet up again until 3 months after that kiss but kept in touch through text and email etc . She was everything that my wife wasn't, I  was attracted to her mentally as well as physically and although I did not see her as stunning as my wife I found her very sexual. One thing led to another and the affair reached another level, we were having sex alot and all of a sudden I began to realise that I was a very affectionate person and quite highly sexual. The affair went on and off for over a year with both of us stopping contact at various stages as we knew it was wrong but something kept on bringing us back together.

I realised that the affair had to end and I suppose I did not go about it in the right way, if there really is a right way ! and did not take the other woman's feelings into consideration just focussing on my wife and the hurt that I had caused her. I confessed all but she had already worked it out and naturally she was devastated. Not only had I had an affair, I had been sexual with another woman and had lied to her for a year. These were all completely out of character.

My wife and I are still trying to reconcile and it has been a very difficult 6 months. The problem is that I still do not see her in a sexual way, stunning yes!, kind yes!, do I love her yes! but if I came home and she was laying on the bed in her underwear would I want to have sex with her? No. I just dont understand why I dont see her in that way and I am not sure if I ever have. I have spoken to other people about this who have suggested that I may love her like a sister or that I am staying because of the guilt or am too scared to leave her because of what I have done, I really dont know. I do still think about the other woman alot and try and understand why I was so attracted to her.

Naturally this issue of sexual desire has become even more of an issue because of what I have done and I have spoken to my wife about it which of course hurt her even more which is the last thing I wanted to do. She does not understand how I can think she is beautifull and not want to have sex with her and neither do I   

Thanks about it.

Hi, please be open-minded and willing to recieve this revelation. It will really help you.


In the beginning God made Adam a promise, that he would build or make a “Helper” that was tailor-made for him. God choose and made one that was fit for Adam.  God did not tell Adam to go out and choose a wife and then bring her back to Him so he could bless it. This is what many people do nowadays, they choose who they want to marry and then expect God to bless their decisions. God established marriage by promise not by man’s works.  In the beginning there was no pain and sorrow; pain and sorrow came because of their disobedience. Pain and sorrow comes because something is wrong, something is out of order. Pain and sorrow came as a sign of disobedience, whatever you sow you reap. Pain and sorrow came as a penalty not as a reward. Go back to Genesis, God told Adam and Eve “that in sorrow shall you eat of it all the days of your life [Genesis 3:17 (KJV)],” God cursed man’s wisdom.  When you get pain in your body you go to the doctor to find out what is out of harmony, when harmony is restored then pleasure comes. Pain is a side-effect of things that are out of order. You do not marry and work to become one; you marry because you are one. If you are not one in the beginning you are not one at the end. If the inner nature in the male and in the female were never in harmony in the beginning; then it won’t be in the end. No man seeking for grapes goes to a thorn bush to get grapes. And God said, “A good tree cannot produce evil fruit [Matthew 7:16-20 (KJV)].” If you are not of like-kind in the beginning how can you be in the end? If you didn’t sow harmony in the beginning how can you reap harmony at harvest time? If you plant a cucumber you will not reap a watermelon. When Adam stated that Eve “was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh,” he meant that Eve was a carbon copy of him, that she was one of like-kind, whose inner nature agreed with his. She was a true representation of him.  When you put two people together whose inner nature does not match you get discord. Discord means anything that is not in harmony. Harmony is that which flows together in unison.  Why would God have you in a marriage where there is no life, happiness, peace, love, etc…?  You have been going around the same mountain over and over again for 12 years. Satan and man have rearranged God’s order, but God is putting it back in its proper place. Jesus said, “Every plant that my Father did not plant (marriage) will be rooted up [Matthew 15:13 (KJV)], and Jesus also said, “Every tree that brings forth not good fruit is cut down and cast into the fire (circumstances that are not good) [Luke 3:9 (King James Version)].” Is your marriage bringing forth good fruit? God is the wise master builder, He has laid the foundation (Jesus) and others build upon it, but let every man take heed how builds, because every man’s work shall be made known by test and trial. If his work survives he receives a reward, if it does not, it will be dissolved; but, he will be saved through the dissolving [1Corinthians 3:10-15].
Jesus said, “If a man build his house(family) upon sand: when the rain descended, when the flood came, and the wind blows upon it, it beats upon that house and great was the fall of it [Matthew 7:17-27 (KJV)],” because it was not built upon a rock but sand. The word of God says, “Except the Lord builds a house (family), the laborer labors but in vain [Psalms 127:1 (KJV)].” Did God build your family or did you build it? Did you choose your own or did God choose it for you? If you did the choosing according to your good pleasure; then, you built your family upon sand. But, if you sought God’s counsel, his will, and his purpose for your life, then your family would have been built upon a rock. God established marriage by promise not by man’s works. God said in Haggai, “Consider your ways (or take inventory of your circumstances) [Haggai 1:3-11; Haggai 2:17 (KJV)].” Because everyone has run to build or establish his/her own house (family) and not sought God’s face to establish the house (family). God had brought economic hardship upon them to get their attention. Did you build your family or did God? Pray to Jesus and ask him if you established it or if he established your family. Because what God has put together let no one put asunder.
  Both of you guys are miserable and you have been praying all these years for God to answer you. Why do you labor in situations, circumstances, and relationships that profit you nothing? You sweat and toil; you sow much into these fields, but reap little. Do you want to know why? Go to http://themanchild.weebly.com/