She says she needs some time alone

mooseman
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« on: May 09, 2010, 09:02:40 PM »

Hello,

My wife and I have been married for 13 years this summer. We have 4 children and we are very happy. We both have full-time jobs and don't get alot of time alone. I have been feeling like something was wrong lately and we finally sat down and talked about it. My wife told me that she would just as soon be at work than at home with us. She still loves us all very much, but she doesn't seem to want to be with us. We were thinking of taking a family trip this coming memorial day weekend and she has suggested that I take the kids so she can visit some friends and some of her family she hasn't seen for awhile. I told her that I just cant enjoy myself without her. There is no chance that she is cheating on me, but I still get the feeling there might be someone else. Why doesn't she want to be with me and the kids? I don't want to do anything without her and the kids, they are my life and I hate being apart from them. Is this whole situation normal? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I encourage her to have some alone time and not make an issue out of it? Any advice, suggestions or just some encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone felt the way I feel?

Thanks.


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RKennedy
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Re: She says she needs some time alone

« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2010, 12:25:02 PM »

First, I think it's a great thing that you were both able to sit down and have a conversation about this. Communication is key in any marriage. I also think it's great that she feels comfortable and safe enough with you to be honest - even if it's something you might not want to hear (that she wants some time alone).

I don't know about this situation other than what you wrote, but it seems that a woman that works a full-time job and has 4 kids really might just need some time alone, and time to visit friends and family. That can be a lot on a person, no matter how strong they are.

My advice is to keep it a safe place for her to be honest with you, and for you to help her get some time just for her. We all need "me" time. Offer to watch the kids (cook supper, take care of baths, put to bed) one night a week for the next few weeks so she can see friends and family, or go pamper herself. Hire a babysitter on Friday night and take your wife on a date - no kids allowed. Talk to her about her projects going on at work - maybe she needs a safe place to "vent" some of her work stresses. Whatever you do, try not to push too hard or be too needy; that will not help the situation.

If you do find that she is seeing someone else (you mention your suspicions below), please do not think all is lost. Call 866-903-0990 to talk with someone at LovePath and sign up for a LovePath 911 workshop.


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gman95901
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Re: She says she needs some time alone

« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2010, 06:19:53 PM »

We all need time alone, I agree with that, but I have to say that it does indeed seem unusual that one would not want to participate in a scheduled or planed family vacation. Four kids and a full time job is indeed a full plate as the previous responder indicated, but stating that one would rather be at work than with the family has to be a concern. I don't find this situation to be normal in my humble opinion. Taking the kids out to the pizza place and maybe the arcade so my wife can have a n evening off is more in line with what I would expect, but deciding to not go on a family vacation seems abnormal. My wife and I have been married for over 18 years now and have three children and full time jobs and she has never decided that her workplace is less stressful than her home life so this scenario concerns me.

I think Rkennedy's advice about keeping a safe place for her to be honest is a good idea, but I think that the real issue maybe at large, whether it is really stress or something else. I think that perhaps the best way to the true issue may be to remove the kids from the equation so that the both of you can sit and talk about what has caused this change in plans alone and perhaps find out why her being at work is more appealing than being home.


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mooseman
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Re: She says she needs some time alone

« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2010, 10:30:31 AM »

Thank you both for the replies. I wasn't able to write everything in the first post. The trip we had planned is no big deal and infact my wife has to work Friday and Monday, so it would have been hard for her to make it anyways. What was bothering me was that she wanted the time away, but the more I have thought about it and the more we have discussed it, I know it is very healthy for both of us to have alone time and I was just really being paranoid. I love and trust my wife with all my heart and I am truly blessed and lucky to have found such an incredible wife, mother, friend and soulmate. Thanks again for the replies.


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voyagermoon
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Re: She says she needs some time alone

« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2010, 10:58:56 PM »

There is something amazingly simple about women that not even many women understand - we need time alone.

We need time to be not-wanted from. We need time to read without interruption. We need time to soak in a bath with the candles on. We need time to connect with our own souls without consideration for the needs, wants, desires, demands of others.

Otherwise we get cranky. We go a little bit crazy. We go a lot crazy. We lose interest. We start to fade. Our voices get small and squealy and adult women begin to sound like little girls. We get apologetic or, conversely, enraged.

The incredible thing Mooseman is that you are asking the question!

Now you know. She needs time to commune with her own soul. And she is asking for it - yay!

And you, too, must find things to do without her, so that you can be interesting and dynamic when you are together. In this way you will learn to speak soul to soul.

All power to you both.

Stephanie


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Joanna
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Re: She says she needs some time alone

« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2010, 11:50:36 AM »

I agree we all need time to ourselves, but there is a point in a marriage where too much alone time is not good. It's good if your wife wants to take a bath and relax. But it's not good when she says she'd rather work than be with her family...her husband and kids!!!

There has got to be an underlying issue here. Maybe she feels the stress of work and the stress of home bearing hard on her. It's hard on a woman who works outside the home to do her office job, then to come home and have to take care of kids and a husband and a house. You could help her with that! It's just not normal for a wife and mother to not want to be with her family and don't let anyone tell you different. But, maybe the two of you can sit down again and talk about ways to make things easier on her. I'm a stay at home mom and I get stressed everyday about household stuff! I can't imagine having to work outside the home then come home and have all that to do.

Like I said in the beginning, it's fine to want to be alone sometimes. It's fine to want to have "girl time" with friends and get together for dinner once in a while. But, planning a family trip only to have her basically say, "you go your way, I'll go mine" should raise some red flags.

Maybe both of you could look into attending the LovePath 911 workshop. That will help both of you understand better why she wants to be apart from you and the kids and what can be done to help her be involved in family activities again. Plus it will ultimately help your marriage.


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