We will be married for 11 years soon, and I don't know if we will make it. In fact, I've taken steps to ending the marriage. Our life over the last few years has been one deception after another, ONE SIDED. I don't recognize the person I've become, and I don't want the children to suffer because I'm miserable. I've always forgiven little lies, disrespect by him and his family, humiliation in public with flirting with other women, but I found out recently the my husband has kept a HUGE lie, that affected our relationship tremendously, and it unfortunately made me rehash ALL the negatives of our relationship, which is wrong on my end. I can't help but think of every incident, every indiscretion, every F up. I think I need therapy. My husband was arrested, turns out that 5 years ago he was arrested for marijuana possession, a joint, and never returned to court as instructed, so he had a warrant out for his arrest. I was aware the he used to smoke, but I never knew of the arrest, and we were married at the time. His mother was the only person that knew he was arrested, and had a warrant, and she never mentioned it to me, and neither did he. They kept him in jail for almost 8 days, waiting to see a judge. It was holiday season unfortunately. I spent new year's eve trying to comfort my sons and distract them from the fact that their dad was not with us.
What makes things worse is, his family blames me. His mother was the only person that knew of the arrest and the warrant, yet they blame me for not "making sure he took care of it". I keep telling them I did not know, but they continue to blame me, and his mother joins in, KNOWINGLY, and bashes me. I have never smoked weed, I have never been arrested in my life, yet they blame me. Sadly, my husband does not come to my defense. The day he came home, after his arrest, his mother made a huge scene, and stated "I will never see my grandchildren if anything ever happens to you". She didn't mention that in all the days that he was in jail, she never called, or checked in on her grandchildren, she never checked in on me, I was the one keeping her updated on the situation, and she'd text me back with an OK. I called and left messages (didn't pick up the phone), and she txted me back OK.
My husband does not protect me, he does not defend me when his family attacks me, he does not support me emotionally or financially, and on top of all that, he lies and keeps secrets from me, that are potentially harmful to our family. I don't know what to do, or how to make him understand how this has affected me and our relationship. He keeps saying he made a mistake and I won't let go, but he doesn't understand that the current mistake, added to the long list of issues we've had with trust and honesty, just makes me not trust him, or comfortable around him. I can't let down my guard, for fear that something else will be revealed, or happen. I am constantly on edge.
Hid family is a huge issue, but until recently, I never let it interfere with our relationship, because I always felt that at least I have his heart, and he loves me. Now that I am not certain of that, everything is affecting our relationship.
All I want if for him to listen to me, to understand that I'm hurting, to understand that I love him, and even now I am willing to work it out, if he would just admit that what he did was wrong, and take steps toward correcting it, and to defend and honor me and our marriage around his family, not just let them say whatever they feel (especially knowing that they're wrong about me).
He always find a loophole, a way to point the blame back to me, in the most ridiculous scenarios, it's always my fault. He is manipulative, and he is constantly manipulated by his mother, and he does not see it. If someone's feelings has to be hurt, or if someone has to take a hit, he is always willing to let that person be me, because "I'll get over it" but he doesn't want to ruffle anyone Else's feathers "he doesn't want to deal with her (his mother?) whining and telling ppl crap" so he appeases her, and HURTS me. When will I be honored as his wife, respected, and put first. He doesn't realize that he can be a good husband AND son, he thinks it's either or, and she has convinced him of this. If he takes ANY steps to put me and his children first, she always says to him "what about me, what am I supposed to do?, your father doesn't speak to me", and he buckles like a little boy. She's got him right where she wants him, and I have NO CHANCE AT ALL.
I don't know if I can continue. I am sad 24/7, I'm mean, I'm a bitch all the time now, because my husband just won't acknowledge my pain. He blames me for everything, he owns up to nothing.