I never thought I would be on line typing about this topic but I am 3 weeks to the day post discovery of my husbands 2nd affair with the same woman.  I am dealing with this better than the first time but I am finally taking the correct steps in saving our marriage by completely cutting this other family out of our lives.  My husband and I befriended a neighborhood family when we moved here about 2 years ago.  We were mutual friends with the husband and wife.  I was never very close with either the husband or wife but enjoyed their company.  They have 3 kids who were also close to my 2 boys.  They all took turns babysitting and coming to our house to play with my boys ages 4 and 2.
2009 was an extremely difficult year and was the breaking point for my husband.  In 2009 my husband lost 2 close friends to cancer within 4 months, his job relocated out of the state and he had no choice but to get another job or relocate, and a close coworker tried to inappropriately touch a young girl who lived next door to us.  After all of these events took place my husband suffered a serious anxiety attack and was placed on a low dose of anti depressants.  Celexa (20mg)/day.
Our "good friends" knew of the episode and the wife became very caring for my husband.  I was in survival mode at the time trying to keep our house running because he completely checked out after the Aug breakdown.  In Oct he tried to make a half hearted attempt to say we needed more passion and romance which is mistakenly scoffed at and acted indignant that I was doing all I could handle and had no idea where to get more energy.  We started playing cards more with this other family and I knew my husband had a personal friendship with the other woman and we both talked and communicated with her daily.  Finally in November I started feeling the distance and noticing weird behavior. I checked our phone records and the fog lifted.  I confronted him and he initially gave all the excuses in the book that I was paranoid, can't a person just have a friend, she is like a sister... The next day, he broke it to me that they were texting and talking daily, meeting for lunches, and did have sex one time.  He told me he felt like she was his soul mate but he wanted to save our marriage and be with me and the boys.  He told me it was a friendship that got out of control.  The other woman was upset that she hurt me and I let her back in my life eventually.  My husband and I made great strides and then the breaking point for affair #2 was allowing the other woman back in our lives.
TO complicate matters, my husbands job is in IL and the boys and I still live in MS in our house on the same street.  Apparentely other woman started calling him the minute he moved to IL and he accepted these calls and kept them secret.  Normally I see my husband every other weekend and sex act #2 happened before he came home about a month ago.  When he returned back to IL his behavior was so weird and distant that I did not know I was talking to my husband.  After about a week of his indignant behavior he confessed and now we have taken the first step in recovery by never seeing and communicating with the other family.  He has gotten a new work cell phone and I blocked him out of his hotmail account. 
We have put our house for sale and we are going to lose our entire down payment plus maybe even have to tap a 401k for this move but to me I have to get out of here.  I have anxiety just being outside seeing their house, their young daughter knows nothing and keeps coming around and this kills me.  We are making the move to be together as a family in early June and life will be hard but at least this will give my husband and I an opportunity to work on our marriage.  I have been reading Dr. Harley books and I am waiting for husband to join me in my efforts.
He is so ready for me to be done talking about the affair and just move on since he knows what he did was wrong and that he relied on the wrong person during a time of need, but I cannot get him to figure out what need is not being met in our marriage and why our closeness did not develop fully.  We lived together way too long, took a long time to have children.  I always considered my marriage good but not overly passionate in regards to true intimacy.  We have so many big things to repair in regards to honesty and me moving on with him to forget this happened.  I do not want to brush this under the carpet or else when the dust settles I worry he will be susceptible to falling back in love with her.  I do not understand how he could type all of these romantic things to this other woman and have this intimate second life and he never showed that side to me that I can remember. I always thought he was a serious and level headed person and I always wanted more romance and love stuff but I just let it go and thought he was not capable of those emotions. 
Too many details I am sure but I feel like a crazy person. One minute I am up and a go getter and then I can remember the affair and want to ask questions again.  I want to stop and just do not know how to do this on my own.

First, I admire you for looking to yourself to see how you may have contributed to this. Only mature people do that. Second, take responsibility for anything you did poorly, but do not take responsibility for your husband's adultery. He, like you, makes his own choices. No one makes anyone do anything unless they are holding a gun to their head, and that is not what you did.

Moving is very, very wise. Being together is very, very wise. However, you likely will need help to get past this. With the fear of sounding like a commercial, I highly recommend that the two of you come to our LovePath 911 workshop. If you don't do that, at the very least find an excellent counselor.

You can get past this, but get the help that both of you need to move on.