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Author Topic: Addiction, affairs a mess..  (Read 1881 times)
RKJ
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« on: January 19, 2011, 08:29:16 PM »
My wife and I have been married for 11 years and have a son age nine.  For the better part of 8 years or so, my wife put up with my alcohol and porn addiction. In 2008 I had a one night stand with a woman I met in a bar and brought her into my home as my wife was out of town at the time. That was the only time I ever had contact with this woman and have not seen her since. My wife found out about the incident, and obviously it crushed her. This only added fuel to the fire on top of all my other issues. 

About a year later, my wife started having feelings for an individual who frequents he place of employment and eventually slept with him. She now has deep feelings for this individual and has filed for divorce. She says she no longer is in love with me, but instead is in love with this other man.
I love my Wife dearly and have taken steps over the last year and a half to deal with my addictions and have recently found God.  I have tried everything to show her how much I love her and how sorry I am for my selfishness throughout our marriage; but she says she's DONE! 

I am putting my best foot forward to try and keep my family together, first because I Love her and also because I think it is important for my son to grow up with his parents together under one roof. 

I can not change the past, but am trying to make the future better. However, she wants nothing to do with me any more.  She says our son will be better off knowing his parents are happy living separate lives. I disagree.

I feel there is nothing else I can do to stop her from going through with the divorce. She continues on with her affair like it is no big deal. I am still living at home, but that is it. She feels that since she filed for divorce, we are separated and she can do as she pleases. Who am I to tell her that what she is doing is wrong after all the pain that I caused her?

I'm just looking for advice or input. She is so in love with this guy and it is taking its toll on me. I try and stay strong for our son, but I know he can see through both of us.

Don't know where to go from here!
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kirsar
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« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2011, 10:07:41 AM »
First can I say how much I admire you for dealing with your problems of the past.  It does sound like it has taken its toll on your wifes feelings for you and also sounds like she would not be receptive at this stage to going for help together.

You however, could get some professional support to help you deal with your current circumstances and work your way through your own feelings.  I know that this is probably not the answer you were looking for, but if you can feel better within yourself then you might be able to find a different way of dealing with what is going on at home.  Your son should be your priority now and if you can help him to deal with any future separation then you will be doing him a great favour as a parent.

If the split is inevitable - and you can never say never - then you will have to put aside your own feelings as you help your child through this.  I'm sorry if this sounds to be a bit unfeeling - it truly isn't - I have been there and am just sharing with you how I coped.

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« Last Edit: January 25, 2011, 11:06:46 AM by gman959 » Logged
RKJ
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« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2011, 05:29:32 PM »
Kirsar,

I was afraid someone was going to tell me it is hopeless. That is how I feel every day.

No matter what I say or what my actions are, she is immune to it all. She is so angry towards me to the point that she blames me for her actions. I guess in a sense, I am responsible for her actions.

I guess the only thing left to do is to let her go and chalk it up as a lesson. I just hope my son doesn't blame me in the future for failing him.

I will just try to keep the peace till the divorce is final.

Thanks
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RKJ
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« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2011, 11:26:08 PM »
I guess my actions Mean nothing. I am trying. That is all i can do.  This forum is lame, I guess.   
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Kimberly
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« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2011, 08:47:20 PM »
RKJ,

Your actions definitely mean something. I do not believe that this is hopeless at all.

She probably has a lot of built up anger from the years of porn usage and alcohol addiction. That does not make her actions right in the least bit. But it may explain where her actions are coming from. She may feel like she is "in love" with this guy because he is meeting her emotional needs that she felt the need to have an affair. It's a thing called "limerance." It's where someone feels like they are in love with someone else, but it is usually just an infatuation that only lasts about a year or two. Then when they snap out of it and realize that they made a huge mistake, many times it is too late.

It is very honorable to want to stay together for your son. It is extremely important to be together for the benefit of your son. Are you both living at home together? Is there anyone else in her life that might be able to help talk to her? A minister, her family, her best friend, anyone else that she may listen to?

I want to help you as much as I can!
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Kimberly
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Joanna
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« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2011, 01:02:49 PM »
Rkj,

You said "She is so angry towards me to the point that she blames me for her actions. I guess in a sense, I am responsible for her actions."

I don't think you are. She is a grown woman with a sense of right and wrong. She knew what she was doing when she did it. She could have said "No." But she didn't. It's not your fault. She's upset, yes. But she could have dealt with it another way.

As for your marriage...are you divorced now? If not, then it's still not too late. I know she is involved w/ another man. And as Kimberly said in her post, it's limerence and these feelings she has for him will not last much longer. Eventually her head will come out of the clouds and she will come back to reality. I don't know if she will want you back but there is a chance. If you can just NOT sign the papers and hold out until this "feeling" has run it's course then you have a decent shot at saving your marriage. Here is a link about limerence: http://joebeam.com/blog/2008/response-to-wendy/

Also here is a link to an article on "How to save a marriage after an affair" http://www.marriagehelper.com/how_to_save_marriage_after_an_affair.php

Both of these will be good for you to read and decide if you should hang on (which I think you should) or just move on. But in the end, it's all up to you!

Keep us posted!
 
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"Marriage problems? Get off your tail and do something about it." ~ Me
RKJ
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« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2011, 04:13:50 PM »
I absolutely want to save the marriage. The problem is;she wants out, and today would not be soon enough!

I can't even talk to her anymore; its always about me and the things I have done to cause her to have so much anger an hurt. I know what I have done wrong and am tired of getting beat up over it! I know what I have done wrong and I beat myself up enough about it, without needing he to also.

I feel as if there is nothing else to do; I have tried everything. At what point does a Man say, "enough is enough" and just throw in the towel?
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Joanna
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« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2011, 04:59:05 PM »
Well, if you have exhausted every angle to try and save things and she is just not wanting any part of it, then I guess you can say you've done all you can do.

Like I said in my previous post though, if you can hold on until this "runs it's course" then you might have a chance. But, it's up to you if you want to stay in it and hold on. Obviously, the outcome is unknown either way...

Sorry you're going through this. Nobody deserves to be beat up over something they have asked forgiveness for and have walked away from.
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