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Author Topic: Caught Wife in the Act  (Read 3389 times)
CrazyGolfer
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« on: December 23, 2009, 12:20:09 PM »
I have recently discovered that my wife has been cheating on me with my neighbor from across the street. I’m really struggling with my emotions at the moment. I just found this site and I hope someone can help. I go from rage, to confusion, to tears, and back again.

I am, unfortunately, one of those who found out about this affair by catching them in the act. I came back home from a dentist appointment last week to pick up some paperwork before heading to the office and surprised my wife and her boyfriend going at it on the sofa in our family room. Not surprisingly, I didn’t handle that very well. I grabbed a pool cue and started swinging and cussing him and chased him out of my house and back across the street without his clothes which I later burned in the fireplace. When I got back in the house I found my wife locked in the bathroom refusing to open the door.

Since then, she refuses to talk about her affair other than to say she’s sorry and that it won’t happen again. I have so many questions and all I’ve been able to get out of her is that it’s been going on about 6 months and it’s “just a physical” thing. If it wasn’t for my 3y/o and 1y/o, I would have thrown her out last week. Also, apparently I’m the bad guy because I “overreacted” when I caught them and embarrassed her in front of the whole community. It seems that several of the other stay-at-home moms saw and heard me chasing that piece of crap across the street last week and we have been the “talk of the neighborhood” according to my wife.

Any advice on what I need to do? Should I just call it quits and file for divorce? Should I try to make this work for my kids? Is it even possible to have a fulfilling marriage after something like this? Is it even possible for me to get these horrible pictures out of my head long enough to even try. Please someone, I’m desperate for some help.
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DR S
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« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2009, 04:04:29 PM »
Crazygolfer, You did nothing wrong ! You have every right to be angry, hurt and confused.
 But yelling will cause her to run and hide. (emotionally shutdown) Breath, just breath.
 Your goal is to have your wife back, for her to repent and make a commitment and for the both of you to rebuild.
 I don't know what else to say except... "If you could fix this, it would already be fixed.... so seek help."
 I feel for you bro..... but God is bigger than this problem and He can help.

 Dr S
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cindyjo
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« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2009, 11:35:32 PM »
Crazygolfer,
My key piece of advice is this - do not make any life-altering decisions for at least 30 days.  You certainly do not want to make a serious decision such as divorce while your emotions are still so very raw.  I refused to make any hasty decisions for 30 days after discovering my husband's affair - and it was the best thing I could have done.  Although my friends and family could not understand why I did not just leave (or kick him out) immediately following discovery, I felt I owed it to myself (not him) to make a rational decision.  I decided that if I was going to end our marriage I was going to do it with as few regrets as possible.

Let me tell you, those 30 days ultimately save our marriage.  It was during that month that we found some very helpful books and attended the LovePath 911 workshop.  I am not going to sugar-coat this - it will not be easy.  But, I can tell you from our experience, it has been well worth the effort. 

In the weeks following discovery, I found so much stuff on the internet and I remember reading one article that was titled something like, "His affair was the best thing that has happened to our marriage."  I could not believe someone would actually say this.  But now, nearly a year later, I understand how someone could make such a statement.  While I would not go quite that far, I will say a fulfilling marriage is indeed possible after an affair.  In fact, our marriage is better than it ever has been - our relationship is on a whole new level.

So, hang in there.  Don't give up hope.  Talk to your wife.  Find a counselor.  Attend LovePath911 if you can.  And most importantly, pray.

Blessings! 
 
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Easyk
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« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2009, 11:17:51 PM »
do the above, sometimes staying and working it thru will make it stronger..

you learn more about each other than ever before.. it hurts and will hurt, but with God, and time it will heal..take it from someone who knows.....
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armstrong
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« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2009, 02:57:50 AM »
hello CrazyGolfer i think you have to forgive your wife. she make a mistake thatis unforgatable and unforgiven but to save your relation and when she admitted her mistake then i think you have to forgive her but when she do this again then you can take strong decision. but now also this is up to you brother do that what your heart wants.



thanks



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india matrimony  
 
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Joanna
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« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2009, 08:03:32 AM »
Crazygolfer,

You did not overreact, you did what any normal person in your situation would have done....got angry! As for your wife, she's embarrassed on many levels right now. Not only is she "caught" but she knows that everybody knows and is ashamed. She's blaming you b/c she's not ready to take responsibility for her actions yet.

Your last paragraph had a lot of questions...

"Any advice on what I need to do? Should I just call it quits and file for divorce? Should I try to make this work for my kids? Is it even possible to have a fulfilling marriage after something like this? Is it even possible for me to get these horrible pictures out of my head long enough to even try."

1. My advice is that you need to fix this. Attend the LovePath 911 workshop, it's for couples who are in crisis. And I'd say that fits your situation right now. You can click on the "Click Here" at the top of the page for more information on it or you can call 866-903-0990.

2. Do NOT quit and file for divorce! Go to the LovePath 911 workshop!! It saves every 3 out of 4 marriages that walk through the door. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by going. Call the number above for all the details about it. It is a very powerful workshop and will be a blessing to your marriage.

3. YES, YES, YES you should try to make this work for your kids!!! Research upon research has been done on marriages that stayed together for the kids and ones that went ahead and broke up, and the ones that stayed together showed how much better off the children were! I'm oversimplifying but in a nutshell those were the results. If you attend the workshop, Joe goes into greater detail about that.

4. It is VERY possible to have a fulfilling marriage after something like this! You just have to be willing to try.

5. And as for your last comment about forgetting what you saw long enough to try. Well, I think those "pictures" should be a kind of motivation. That may sound way off, but if you truly love your wife and want to make it work you can use what happened to get on the ball and take action...to SAVE your marriage!

Earlier I mentioned Joe Beam. If you are not familiar with him, he leads the LovePath 911 workshop, among other things. If you want more info on him go to http://www.JoeBeam.com.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope what people have said has helped. Just don't give up until you've exhausted everything possible to save your marriage. If you WANT to save it, and I believe you do.

Joanna
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"Marriage problems? Get off your tail and do something about it." ~ Me
CrazyGolfer
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« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2009, 12:34:22 PM »
Well, it's been an eventfull week, but I do feel better about things. I'm still not sure if I can get over this, but I'm at least at a point where I want to give it a try.

She has been more willing to cooperate and try to work towards a solution over the past few days. She has become more apologetic and a little less defensive. She still can't quite getover how I reacted and her embarrassment in the community, but I keep reminding her that while I'm sorry for losing it that day the way I did that ultimately the blame for her embarrassment falls back to her. If she had not been having an affair, none of this would have ever happened.

Also, I had a long talk with her boyfriend's wife and told her about what I found that day. She's since kicked him out of the house and is working with a lawyer on filing for divorce. Did I go too far by  telling her? I just felt like she needed to know. I know that if I were in her shoes, I would want someone to tell me so that I could stop living a lie.

Finally, my wife has agreed to counsel with our Pastor. She is hesitant to see anyone else at this point, but she has a lot of confidence in him, as do I, so I think this is a good start.
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DR S
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« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2009, 01:51:48 PM »
GREAT !!! I am so glad to hear that there is progress in your relationship. God is good. He will bless you both for going to counseling. Altough, you will feel lots of emotions during this and it will be hard.
 My situation was similar. I had to learn a new way to handle or approach my wife. (I abandon everything I did before out of a since of being reborn.  I became a differant person. There was allots of mystery around me. That drew her in. )
 My wife dropped her defenses as well, but because I was saying, " I'm sorry you feel that way." She no longer had to defend her actions or feelings but instead could spend more time understanding why she had them.
 The blame game is something I don't understand either. My wife said I drove her to the edge but she chose to jump. ??? I still don't get it ???  Is that some kind of justification ?
 Also, the whole community knew what was going on behind my back and no one told me. I made a promise that if I found out about my neighbors, I'd give them 24 hours to fess up or I'd tell. I don't know if it's right or not. So far everyone is hiding. 
Anyway, enough about me. Hang in there. Start 2010 in prayer and remember:
Romans 8:28 (NIV) 
    And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,


 Dr S
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JoeBeam
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« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2010, 03:13:32 PM »
Dear CrazyGolfer,

I notice that you haven't posted for a couple weeks. I'd love to know how things are going.

If you think I can help, please let me know.

Joe Beam
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Each month I do a three-day workshop for couples having difficulties. You can find out more HERE.
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