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shaloo
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« on: August 13, 2010, 11:29:28 AM »

Hi
I'm the cheated Wife. My Ex found his true love at work and they both conspired to Divorce their spouses. She has a kid and I've a little boy as well.

My ex was not sure in the beginning but she pressured him to get the divorce first and she would file as well once his was complete. In the mean time her ex filed for Divorce which she never thought would happen. She is really determined and stubburn. I had begged her many times to let my Ex go but everytime she said "she doesn't have a gun on his head" and they both are entitled for their happiness.

My Ex alwayas wanted an aggressive, passionate woman like her but married me. He says he felt pitty for me since I was a widow, he cared for me but never loved me and this girl is giving him the emotional, physical attnetion he lacked in our marriage.

We're married for 9 years and the affair started almost three years ago.  our Divorce ended this Jan. During this time he was very Fickle minded. Came back to reconcile in Jan. but left in a week and came again in May and then went back to her. In this whole process I got pregnant but he asked me to abort the child. He also mentioned his girlfriend is OK with taking care of both the kids if I decided to keep the baby. He loves that about her that how cooperative and forgiving and logical she is.  It was a tough decision for me but I went ahead and terminated the pregnancy.

He said he was confused for last two years and he felt guilty for me and missed his son thats why he came back but now he could see clearly that how much he loves this person. He calls it Magical love. My question to everyone is, is it truly real love, am I an obstacle in their path of happiness?? They're planning to get married, do you think its gonna last? Just need a Closure
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Joanna
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« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2010, 10:10:21 AM »

First of all I'm sorry you're going through all of this! Second of all, to answer your question at the end of your post about if their marriage is going to last, my answer is no and I'll tell you why. Because what they are experiencing is not love, it's limerence. Limerence is basically an "emotional high" that people feel that they confuse for love. It's that "love at first sight" and "you're my soulmate" b/c everything they could ever want in a person is all wrapped up in this "perfect" individual. It's a chemical in the brain that basically makes a person irrational, and if it happens in a marriage, then the spouse that is being hurt by it will feel hopeless!

The good news is, it only lasts 6-36 months. That's how long it takes for it to run it's course. At the end of it, your ex-husband may come back to you and say how wrong he was about "her." Not saying that will happen, just saying it might.

The reason I think it is limerence is b/c of how you described his actions...his "true love", he says he had pity for you and never really loved you, she is giving him "what he needs" that he isn't/wasn't getting in your marriage.

All those are pretty good signs that this is temporary. When someone starts saying "I never really loved you" that is a HUGE sign that they are infatuated with the other person and are changing history to make themselves feel better about leaving you.

So all that to say, eventually it will end. And he MAY come back to you and beg forgiveness. A great book for you to read is "Your LovePath" by Joe Beam. It explains limerence in more detail and also explains the love path. It may help you in understanding what happened in your marriage and give you insight on future relationships. You can find it at http://www.joebeam.com/books.htm

Hope this helps!
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"Marriage problems? Get off your tail and do something about it." ~ Me
shaloo
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« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2010, 11:36:24 AM »

Thankyou Joanna for your response.  I really appreciate it.  It may not be the solution for my situation but gives some piece to me.

I'll surely get the book you recommended.
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