Hello every one
  I am new here and in a spot in my life I cant imagine was possible.  I basically cought my wife cheating through a lie she told me, the whole at work thing and wasnt.
  Now in her words this is all about her fixing her before she can fix us, I have tried very hard to be a good husband for 11 years, yes I hvae made mistakes but I have never been a woman beater or any thing like that.
  I think the affair is over however she talks to him as a friend and I am working on getting that stopped. She saw a counciler that I had talked to originally and the counciler is saying that I should be ok with her just going out with friends for hours at a time and not even having her phone on, the counciler is also saying that putting our marriage on hold is fine that I am being selfish if I try to stop her from most things she wants to do.
   It has been a month since I cought her in essence, She has or shows almost no emmotions or effection towards me, I feel like I am being greedy just asking for a hug or kiss, I feel as if though my heart has been ripped out of my body, all I want is my wife back like we were, I love her more than words can express.
   Like I said I made some mistakes in this relation ship as well one serious one a few monthes ago, She does not share the bills with me and as a result things have a habbit of getting turned off, phones, cable etc. Well on the day I messed up she was going out with friends (I suspect this guy she had the affair with) and upon her leaving that after noon I just didnt feel good about it at all we were supposed to do some thing that day so I was hurt any way. Well soon after she left the cable goes out and I call her to get the pass word so I can check on what is needed to get it back on, she refuses to give me the pass word and gets angry via txt msg and phone after a couple phone calls and my blood is boiling (not like me) she yells at me over phone that she is not giving me pass word and is on the way home, I yell at her F... you and hang up on her...  I have never done any thing like that in my life and still feel horible about it.  not long after that the affair started.

    Friends im 43 I love her more than any thing but i'm falling appart badly, I'm told this is about her not about us, she does not want my help in the situation, wont talk about it to me, wont go to mariage counseller , only personal counciling and I'm just supposed to deal with it.  Her counciler agrees that this space and time is needed for her and if I deney her that than I am being selfish..... I want her to get better and get the help she needs but what about me what about my feeling, I  was cheated on I hurt bad inseide and simply dont know what to do. I do not want a divorce I love her tremendously we have been married 11 years and have a ten year old boy together.
  Thanks for any help or sugguestions.             

I'm curious what your "serious mistake" was. Did you cheat and now she is getting you back? I completely agree with the above comment that you may be too clingy and that will push her away.

Many affairs or divorces occur over financial problems which it sounds like you may be having. Woman need security in many different ways and financial is a big one. I'm not sure from your story if this is how it all started or if your "serious mistake" was.

I would like to give you some advice but I feel like you're holding back and there may be more to this story. In the meantime keep some distance. The harder you fight to stop this the worse it will become.

When a woman says she needs to go "FIND HERSELF" or needs "Time and Space" those are statements designed to COMPLETELY BLOCK you from taking any action whatsoever.  Because as soon as you try to talk to her... she'll say "I need more time"...  and as soon as you try to touch her she'll say "I need more space".

Guess what?  It's BS.  She is YOUR WIFE!

Now..  she's cheated on you and all that's really happened is that she feel JUSTIFIED in cheating on you.  Her counselor is only making her thought more pronounced, furthering her own distorted thoughts.

She will do everything in her power to keep you at arms length.  She'll be nice to you at times to give you some FALSE HOPE that there is any chance of reconciliation.  This way... she gets to benefit from your resources, time, money, etc.  while NOT giving you a damn thing back.

It's time for you to STOP chasing her.  Focus on yourself, who you are, what your purpose in life is, and start helping others.  Increase your own sense of self worth and be polite and cordial to her.  Do NOT ask, beg, plead, or hint around about sex.

Learn to be a leader in your life, marriage, and household.

Then straight up tell her "You've had all the time and space you need.  Will you now commit to being my wife, so that we may both move forwards and start creating happy memories?"  and if she says no... accept it, then CUT HER OFF from your resources and file for divorce.

She'll play the victim,  she continue counseling, but YOU can move on with your life and find a woman that deserves your attention.

I know it's hard..  but as a man.. it's up to you to drive things to a head so that change can happen.  If you don't you'll be here next year talking about the same thing.

Hope this helps.
David