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May 21, 2012, 06:49:09 AM
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Author Topic: Emotional affair  (Read 821 times)
Carihirchert
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« on: July 21, 2011, 12:40:24 AM »
Hi,
My name is Cari, I have been married 11 years, we have 2 kids.  About 2 years ago he got back in touch with an ex girlfriend from high school.  At first I had no issues with it, of course.  Then one afternoon, his facebook was up and and chat was up with her.  He had been asking for her to send him nude pictures.  I was angry and asked what was up with that.  He claims he was joking but I told him I didnt like it and wasnt laughing.  I asked that it stop, he was a bit mad saying he shouldnt have to give up joking with a friend. 

Fast forward to now, again I found his facebook up and chat with her was up again.  This time much worse and I am furious.  He was asking for sex, saying he wanted to take showers with her, inviting her over at times Im at work, and so on.  He had also been video chatting with her and talking on the cell phone for hours with her.  Hello, husband, its not snooping when Im looking at a joint bill! He also had been trying to meet up with her around town, after work and what not, Im figuring maybe telling me that has to work later. He also had a conversation up from a guy friend from high school.  Basically with him, he brought up our sex life, telling him I dont like anal sex.  His friend pretty much encouraged him to "force" the idea.  At this point, I am hurt beyond belief!

I have tried talking with him, letting him know that this kind of joking is really hurting me, he is refusing to stop.  He feels he should be able to joke with who he wants however he wants, without regard to how I feel.  On top of all of this, last week he was interested in buying a pad/phone thing through sprint (our cell phone) but it was $400, money we dont have.  I said we really cant afford it at this time, could he wait a little bit till our finances were better and we were payday to payday.  Of course he came home with it yesterday. 

Next week I am going to a counseler, alone, as he refuses to go because he feels its my problem/issue.  I feel I at least need help for myself, as I am getting very depressed.  Any other suggestions?
Cari
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Johnny Marsz
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« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2011, 08:10:22 AM »
First of all, Cari, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Secondly, those are not jokes. He's fullfilling some sort of need through this woman and whether it's emotional or sexual it's cheating. He has been caught, hence the defensiveness.

Not long ago I discovered my wife talking sexually to an old fling on Facebook, it became graphic at times and her first line of defense was that it was harmless flirting, a joke of sorts. She later admitted it was innapropriate and was filling a void in our relationship. Around the time of the affair we had drifted and she was looking for anyway to get attention. Your husband may be unsatisfied in some area but that does not give him the right to do what he is doing. It also sounds like he needs some new friends. Amy man that feels it's ok to pressure a woman into anal sex should have it performed on themselves, see how he likes it.

In order for things to move forward your husband should delete any ex-girlfriends or flings from Facebook. Married couples or couples for that matter have no business keeping in touch with those people. Although he may not have cheated physically yet it's only a matter of time until he does. If he isn't willing to delete these people and share his facebook account openly then it's time to move on. It may sound a bit harsh and quick but couples should be 100% open with one another and past lovers have no place in a relationship.

It also may be wise to talk about your sex life with him. Ask him if he's happy with it and offer to try some new things. If it's anal he wants tell him you will let him as long as you can do the same to him. See what he says. :)

In all seriousness, he is hiding things and it will get worse if you don't put an end to it now. Don't be afraid to lay down an ultimatum. it's either you or Facebook and if he chooses Facebook then it's time to move on. Best of luck to you and stay strong.
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