I have similar story to Philip's.  My husband began late night chats with a "friend" that he didn't know.  She is 16 years younger.  Anyway, things progressed and I gather they would "chat" late at night while I slept.  From everything I have been able to put together, they "friended" each other in mid-April.  I'm not sure when the chatting started, but by the end of July the few communications that I found indicated that the conversations had begun to get sexual in nature.  Of the communications that I discovered it was evident that my husband had tried to pull away a couple of times, but for whatever reason the relationship continued.  I found some emails that were sent early in Sept that were close ups of her various body parts.  I was not able to find a return communication from him in regards to these, but that too, was probably done thru facebook chat.  Late in Sept she emailed about his not corresponding with her.   I didn't discover any of this until just 2 weeks ago, when I inadvertently discovered one of his email accounts open on my computer.  I decided that this warrented further investigation.  On Feb 12, late in the evening, I replied to one of the photo emails, knowing she would think it was him.  She responded that yes, I should recognize the body part in question.  Now i knew I had to know more, because it was apparent there was more to know.  But, I decided to express my love for my husband for Valentine's day like I hadn't done in years.  Monday evening, while my husband was away, by what had to intervention from God, I easily cracked the password on my husband's computer.  I got into his primary email and discovered a 2 incidences of communication.  One, dated in early November, where she tells him that she can't wait to see him.  The next set were found to be dated early Feb, where she questions why after they had gotten together in November that he ad pulled away.  He explained that it had nothing to do with his disappointment with her, it was just that he had too much to lose and didn't want to do that.  I confronted him that same evening at the same time that I sent a email to her letting her know what I had discovered. 
My husband was mortified, and I believe he truly regrets what he did.  That doesn't make the hurt go away, and the thoughts that run through my head constantly as I imagine the conversations that took place and progressed to the point of infidelity.  I'm ok when we are together, but any time we are apart the thoughts and visions begin-when will it stop, and when will I trust him again.  By the way, I told him that all communication had to stop, and was to unfriend her (he did), and he gave me a list of all of his user ids and accounts to all but 1 email account (he says he never uses it and will have to look up the password).   Right now, I pray for peace in my heart!!

usedtobe,

If you have any inkling that your relationship with this man is starting to go in a direction where (you feel) it doesn't need to, then you need to just end it. Some of the signs are him opening up and telling you negative things about his marriage. How his wife is terrible at meeting his needs (any of them). And if he is looking for you to lift him up in any way, like you saying "Well, that's not true! How can she be that way toward you? You're great." Or anything like that, then the relationship has crossed a line.

The fact that he is married needs to be the #1 reason you end this....now. You're feelings are probably right on this one and I know you don't want to be the reason he "leaves" his wife. It's so easy b/c it does start out innocent, but a line quickly becomes visible and if you think he's there, then you need to walk away.

But all of this is just my opinion. I may be way off, or I may be right on....any other thoughts?

usedtobe,

I am of the opinion that you probably knew your communication was inappropriate, but maybe wanted a little confirmation from the forum.  Regardless,  I applaud you for showing respect, not only to a wife you do not know, but to marriage itself.  Your quote was well put, and I only wish more people possessed the same character.

Cathy,

Is this an ex-girlfriend? And she wants to be YOUR friend?! HA!

My wife never had a Facebook page. I do have a Facebook page and I have mostly family, work contacts and mutual friends are my face book friends. My wife's sister, who also has a face book page, was friended by one of my wife's old high school boyfriends, who eventually asked my sister-in-law to get him in contact with my wife ... to catchup. While visiting my sister-in-law one evening, a few weeks later, my sister-in-law put my wife on on her  Facebook page and my wife sent this guy a message and gave him her e-mail address.  Neither my wife or her sister told me about this. He immediately sent an e-mail to my wife.

A few days later, my wife asked me to make a configuration change to her MS Outlook and I came across this guy's e-mail to her. I read it and it was all very innocent, a typical catch up e-mail but while reading it, I learned that this clown lived in our town (40 miles from where they both grew up). I'll admit I'm somewhat possessive, even after 20 + years of marriage, but I saw red when I read this. I couldn't find her reply so I assume she didn't reply back. My emotions took over and I deleted the guy's e-mail, his entry in her address book and I put a block on all incoming and outgoing messages from his e-mail address. Further, I put a block on Facebook so she could not access Facebook from her computer. What I didn't do was tell her I read the email and that I did all this.

A few days later she asked me if I did anything to her computer; that she was missing e-mails and addresses. When I asked her to be more specific and she danced around a answer. I told her I didn't know what she was talking about. I waited a few hours and then I went to her and I told her I did the deleting and I knew what she was doing. I told her I wouldn't have minded if she had told me about it, but she was being "sneaky" about it. She claims that she doesn't need my permission to talk to old "friends", and she is right of course, but I can't live with what she wants to do, and I told her that. She contacted her sister to get this guy's e-mail address again and I contacted her sister as well and asked her not to. I hated to put my sister-in-law in the middle of this but I felt I had to.

Eventually, my wife and I made an agreement that she would correspond with him as long as I can see all incoming and outgoing messages. She agreed and I gave her back his e-mail address and I removed the blocks. She never wrote him (as far as I know). After a month, and asking her twice about it, she says she will write him when she is ready. I decided to put all the blocks back on. This has been the situation for 3 months now.

Now I know that the way I acted may have been extreme, but I'm not the type of personality that leaves things up to chance. Also, I don't control what my wife does, but this was something I couldn't live with. If she is writing this guy behind my back, she will put a 20 + year marriage at risk. Any thoughts?

Do you think she may feel that you are treating her as a child?

I'm absolutely against old flames and that kind of thing on Facebook. Nearly every month we have at least one couple in our workshop because one of them has crossed the line with another person. However, if she feels that you are controlling her as a father would his teenage daughter, she may react like a teenaged daughter. No one wants to be controlled. It is much better to do it with reason and understanding. Draw your line, that's good. But don't treat her like an inferior or "do what I tell you" as you do or you may lose her in time.

my wife has been having an emotional affair via facebook that escalated into texting and phonecalls. I'm not sure whether she has followed this up with an actual physical affair. I have asked her and she said no but at this point how can I trust her. How can I know whether this affair was purely emotional or it further escalated into a sexual affair?

Facebook was the beginning stages of my husband's online affair that I discovered last year.  This caused a year full of constant arguing and tension.  He left the 1st of April, 2010 and 3 weeks ago, I discovered he was still in contact with this woman.  She happens to live in another country.  It is just insane- it seems like a MLC to me.  However, it has caused major problems.  Even though we have not filed for divorce, I have no idea where I stand with him.  I have told him I am willing to try to make the marriage work, but he has to make a choice and give up his quote "social networking".  I don't know how long I should hold on.  It has been almost 3 months and I see him everyday, because we have 2 children.  Some days he hugs me and some days, it seems he just wants to leave.  It is real frustrating that a box (computer) can cause this much trauma in so many people's lives.  I just need answers,and I seem to get nothing from him.  In the beginning when he left, I did all the stuff you should not do- I begged, nagged, pleaded, cried, etc.  You name it, I did it!  Now, I feel like I'm starting over at the beginning of the seperation, because my behavior in the beginning seems to have pushed him further away.  I just want to know where my life is going!  I am in constant limbo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!