The year 2011 had punched real hard in the gut. Just recently, I found out that my husband of 3 years cheated on me, and this is no ordinary cheating, this is hard core, here's the story (pardon the length):
On February 2011, he went into this "hobby" of escort services (yes paying for sex). I found out about it because I sneaked around to check text messages in his cellphone. When I confronted him about it, he was truly devastated. When I found out, around June, he told me that he has "retired" and is not doing it again. He told me, he thought at the back of his mind, the hobby might help him fix our intimacy problems (We don't have sex that much). He was sorry about it and guaranteed me that he will not be doing it again. I believed him, and I stayed.
Fast forward, October 2011. I don't know what came into me, but I checked our phone bill and found out that he has been calling a number over and over again, everyday, talking for long hours. I called the number and found out that it was a woman (I got her name too, thru her voicemail). When I confronted him about it, here's his story:
This woman (Let's call her M), he met around 2007 and had a one-night-stand with (FYI: we were actually together 2007, but we weren't married yet). He met M again because apparently, M became an escort girl. The catch is, M has a 4-year old daughter that she thinks might be my husband's kid, because of that, outside the "hobby", my husband and M got to know each other and actually dated. He told me, he was 100% convinced that the kid was his (without getting a paternity test, how stupid huh?). They became serious and for the past month I have been sneaking around his emails, bank accounts, phone bill etc and found out that he actually said HE LOVED HER (I was DESTROYED, I thought it was just a casual thing, but he actually was SERIOUS with her).
After me knowing, he told me everything and broke up with her. He told me he was sorry and he feels like he has broken his life. He told me, that if he was actually my friend and found out about what my husband did to me, he will beat the shit out of my husband. I appreciated his honesty. Just 2 weeks ago he found out that the kid is not his (hello she's a whore, go figure? - sorry for my side comments like this).
So right now, I still want to fix the marriage, but I keep on sneaking around, trying to find things that I did not know before. A part of me still has questions: Why did he cheat? Was he not happy with me? When will be back to normal? See, we are not normal. He doesn't say I love you anymore, he told me the reason was, he hates himself for doing this to me and he wants to fix himself first (I know I am starting to feel like I am being stupid).
Yesterday, I checked his bank account thru phone banking and found out that he has been helping the other woman financially. When I confronted him last night, I asked him why can't he just let it go? He told me that he feels like he is responsible for the wreck the girl became (she has 2 kids, the fathers of the 2 kids found out she was getting money for sex) so for this month she couldn't get by. My husband said, maybe this is what he needs, to be able to help someone to pick himself up (I know this part seems BS to me).
So what am I doing? Why am I still here with him? Because I love him. Am I being stupid? I am so confused and I don't know what to do. Please help...