I admit that I cheated on my husband. I'm guilty of adultery. I hurt my husband who I still deeply love. I regret. I want to rescue my marriage.

The situation from the beginning:

My husband and I met in August 2008. It was love on the first sight and on every level we felt a deep bound from the beginning. We met in Germany while he was stationed over there. A few months in to our relationship he got stationed back to the USA. I was committed in a long term contract with the German military and could not go with him. We were already engaged back then - he asked me within a month for marriage. Online we kept our relationship going and not one day went without communication in some way. Then it happened that I got sick and it leaded to a medical discharge from my service. My life came to a hard break. I flew to the US after my discharge to see my better half. We got married a Month later in the US and I stood in the US. I thought everything would be good and we would have this dream marriage.

But reality got to us soon. My VISA. We could not afford the $2000 to pay for the paperwork. We had not even money to buy some crappy furniture and slept on the floor for 6months  But we decided that I still would remain in the US. So I was illegal. Time passes by. Me hiding and getting very depressed. My husbands career started also to fall apart - so did our marriage. It started with small things like household questions, buying groceries (didn't mind to do it but my husband said that to take a cap because he didn't wanted to drive), we didn't go out to do things anymore, not even church, and so on. On top of that came an addiction of us both to a stupid video game - which we didn't even played together. I got more and more frustrated and the stress of maybe getting caught became almost unbearable. We fought all the time with each other and the word "divorce" came often up. But we kinda pulled things together and we finally saved enough money to get my illegal status in the US fixed - after 2.5 years.

I started working at a nightshirt in a hotel and the deal was that my husband would pick me up in the morning after work because it fitted with his military schedule perfectly. One morning - it was freezing outside - he came like 45min and I was totally cold and frozen through. What happened? He slept through the alarme in the morning and I actual woke him up with my angry phone call at home. We started fighting again. It happened that at the same time my Ex was in the US for business and I called him - promptly got caught by my husband - but I admit it was wrong in the first place to even talk with and then lying to him with who I talked German on the phone. Of course the already very tense situation of the morning escalated. We said to me to pack my stuff and get out of HIS apartment and that he would file for divorce the next day. I called crying a friend of mine - at least back then I thought she were my friend - who lived only an hour far away. She came an picked me up. In my emotional chaos she took me out in the evening and introduced me to another man who she knew pretty good. He started talking with me and to me it seemed finally a man understands me. I felt good. Later that night he and I drove to a little park with lake and he started kissing me. I enjoyed it. I felt appreciated. I felt finally someone liked me.

On the next day he and I met for dinner and we drunk little alcohol. One thing led to the other and I committed adultery. The days passed by and I had a second time sex with him.

Then another few days later my husband and I actual started marriage counciling. My husband I talked in the session about the issues what we had with each other.

Time went by I met the other man one more time but we had no more sexual intercourse. After 4 weeks my husband called me and told me that he knew about that other man and I should come home. Few hours later I sat in my car and drive back home. I told my husband everything and he said that he wants to continue our marriage. We also told the therapist about my committed adultery. Since than she was icecold to me and ignored me. Before the next session she even called my husband alone in her office and told him to get a divorce of me. Since then things went bad and good. I actual got pregnant of my husband. As soon as we found out we were happy and it seemed the rocky road seemed to get less rocky alone due to my pregnancy.

Shortly after I lost the child. Since then everything goes in high speed downhills. On the one hand my husband says me that he loves me and on the other hand he snaps and tells me that he hates me and wants a divorce. This changes several times daily. I don't want that our marriage ends. Yes, I did one of the worst things what I could have done in a marriage but I know one thing that I won't give up on us. But it seems that I can say whatever I want to my husband without that it gets better. It even seems that with every word I say that he shut me even more out. And it doesn't matter in which context I say something.

I really dont know what I can do further to show him that I'm still the woman who he married and that I still love him. After what happened I'm even more sure about it than ever before. I hope someone here has some advise for me. And I'm sorry for the very long text.

hi, ive read your story. my husband cheated on me with two other women. i cant explain the pain i have felt but its the worst thing i have ever been through. my husband is very remorsful for what he has done. its important for the cheated to feel understood. your husband needs you to know how bad you hurt him and needs constant reasurring. you will never know the extent of damage your actions have caused but make sure he knows he is the only man you will ever want. be transparent, make sure you open all parts of your life to him, let him know there is nothing left to hide. and let him know you will give him all the time in the world to heal from this.
good luck
lolo