My husband has been carrying out an emotional affair with a woman he used to work with for a year and a half. They have scheduled to get together more than once, but one of them always backs out. But even when he's the one stopping contact, it doesn't take long for him to go after her again - and he's always the one initiating contact.

I know from over 500 emails I found that they have discussed their families, A LOT of sex talk - including phone calls -, she went to his office once and he tried to get her to touch him and she said no, he wants her to go back to work with him, he wanted to go to HER HOUSE and meet her there, because he couldn't wait to see her (she said no). Then he suggested they meet even at a parking lot wherever her appointment was, because he couldn't wait... she also said no.

He has called her beautiful, talked about how perfect her make-up is, tells her she's cute when she makes jokes, told her that he j****d off thinking of her HUNDREDS of times, has sworn on the life of our children to make her believe one of his promises, she sent him a birthday gift.... countless things.

Do all of these things mean that he thinks about leaving me for her? Or can it be just sex?

Edith, I'm sorry for the pain you must be experiencing. Whether this is (as you put it) just about sex, or whether this is an intimate relationship, both are painful. From the description of the relationship, it sounds like this may be about more than just sex.

Your husband could be in what is referred to as "limerence" - basically the head-over-heels feeling of falling in love. It actually starts to affect brain chemistry (there's a great article on limerence at www.joebeam.com/blog), which may be one explanation for why it seems he just can't break away.

I would agree with del88 - some open and honest communication does need to take place. But make sure that you go into this communication calmly; no one wants to feel like they are being attacked. If you ask questions, be sure you are prepared to hear the true answer. Above all, make it a safe place for him to speak. if he opens up just once, but is immediately shut down, he will be less likely to be honest in the future.

I would also recommend that you borrow or buy a copy of the Your LovePath book. It does a great job of explaining how affairs start, build, and even end. If at all possible, you might want to consider attending a LovePath 911 seminar for marriages in crisis (more information is at the top of the page in this forum).

My prayers for your peace.

If you don't act decisively now and get this stopped, more bad things are coming. Stand up and demand that he go with you to get help. If he's left to do as he wishes, you know where this is headed.

Mochajava,

Wow! You have some guts to say that! I totally think you need to consider what you are saying. Just b/c your partner wants to look at your email, you'd have an affair just to SPITE them?!

There are some relationships where, even if you do trust your partner, you still may want to hold them accountable on some things and every once in a while looking at what they do on the computer is perfectly fine! If the other spouse doesn't have anything to hide, then they shouldn't mind.