All, I have been a frequent viewer of the posts for the last 16 months or so finding wisdom and comfort in your words.  I have been hesitant to submit my comments or post anything regarding our situation thinking I could handle this on my own.  But now I find myself at a seemingly dead end.

In April of 2009 I found out that my wife and reconnected with her ex-boyfriend via Facebook.  It escalated to the point where they talked on the phone multiple times each day and professed their love for each other.  As far as I can tell, and with her assurances, they never met.  They live very far apart.  Needless to say it broke my heart with all of the lies and everything else that goes into deceiving your spouse.  To that end, we started Christian Counseling as soon as this broke.  I was devastated.  It took a very long time and many hours of counseling, support from our friends and family, church members, medicines, and such to come to terms with what happened...and I knew that I owned part of it.  I took responsibility and vowed to show her how much I loved her and make the changes she needed me to make to make our life together special.  What I thought was our high-water mark occurred shortly after we went to the 911 Marriage Seminar where we learned a great deal about what went wrong and how to fix it.  Afterwards, we were closer than we ever were before in our 11 years of marriage.  I would still have my lack of trust issues and terrible thoughts revolving around the affair daily...but I was learning to overcome.  I was proud of myself that I was re-framing this and coming to terms with it.  I got involved in the church more and was optimistic that things actually were going to be better than ever!  She was working hard at overcoming her limerence issues and I was learning how to trust again...and with a few bumps in the road it was all coming along.  During our first 10 years I was not fulfilling her needs and it led to an affair.  But I also had needs that were not being met, but was able to table them and deal with them.  During my many counseling sessions it was reasoned that I should hang tight to my issues and work on her and what she needed...when the time was right we would address my issues.  I did this about a year ago.  I told her what I needed and what I was lacking in our marriage.  These issues have largely gone unaddressed and I am finding myself at a loss.  Recently I have found myself thinking about things that I am ashamed of and, though I would never act on these thoughts, I do have them.  It revolves around sex.  We have talked about it ad-nauseum until we are blue in the face with little improvement.  This past weekend we had a blowup dealing with her constant texting which brought us around to the sex issue again.  I was ashamed to tell her about my thoughts, but I did.  She did not respond well.  I travel for my work and am on the road several nights/week.  I had to leave shortly after our "discussion" and when we spoke this morning she has scheduled additional mtg's with our counselor...one on her own and another with me.  To be clear, I love my wife and my family and can not imagine a world without them.  However, I also can not imagine living the rest of my life with these needs being unmet.  So, after this long post my questions revolve around this: 1)  Is it common for the "affected" spouse to have feelings such as these, especially so long afterwards?  I feel that I have worked my tail off addressing her issues, but when it comes to mine...it largely goes ignored?  It has created a feeling in me that I am the only one working on our marriage and frankly has me considering my options.  That she has booked us with the counselor is a huge plus in my book.  2)  She told me that the limerence stage is over for her and that it felt like an out of body experience.  We are now almost 2 years past.  Because of my feelings and thoughts, has anyone gone back to the 911 Seminar a second time?  Would it make sense?  3)  I have been thankful that I have not read many books dealing with affairs recently (I compiled quite a library when all of this broke), but I am looking for some literature for dealing with affairs that happened in the past and how to overcome feelings that the abused spouse may still have.  Many thanks for your thoughts and suggestions.