I am struggling. I have been married for 16 years with two children. I have a past that has led to distrust and communication issues. Parents divorced when I was young. I was sexually abused more than once. I just recently discovered this blocked sexual abuse past with the help of a counselor. My marriage has had ups and downs, more downs than I wanted to admit. I just wanted to do what I needed to do, never thinking about how it affect others. Because of my past, I shut out people. I was always the caretaker, peace keeper, didn't deal with conflict. Took the easy road. I have not been supportive of my husband. I seemed to have lived in a fantasy world. A world where high school sweethearts got married, had kids, and lived happily ever after. But now, my husband has become frustrated with my lack of empathy, lack of communication, lack of appreciation for him.

Within the last 4 months, my husband has found a "relationship" with a women whom he has never met in person. They started out texting "as friends". He was honest to me in telling me that it was progressing to more than just a simple friendship. I freaked. I was not open to his honesty. It hurt. I became jealous and suspicious. I noticed more and more, that he was communicating with this woman. One day, I did something unfathomable. I opened his email and read and email between the two of them that was such a slap in my face. Why did I feel compelled to read this? There were I love yous and sexual references that made me physically ill. He point blank asked me if I had done this...I at first denied but then said that I had. Distrust - I lied to him. It was just a defense mechanism...but something I have always done.

Since this email discovery, and my lying, he has completely pulled away. He states that for our marriage years, he has struggled to make me realize that he just needed to feel respected and I continued to do whatever I wanted to do. He was placed on medication from a counselor many years ago, that he somewhat blames on me. He states that for many years, he has had to conform to whatever everyone else wanted him to be, and now (he is off the medication) states he will be doing what he wants to do regardless. He states that God has placed doors in his life that he has prayed for discernment. And based on his faith, he has opened these doors. He states that he did not go looking for another relationship but that God placed this person in his path, therefore, it is a God send.

At first, I blamed God. I thought God was punishing me for all the wrong things that I had done in my past. Now I realize that God does not make mistakes. He saw the path that we were going, and He opened our eyes. I don't know why it took this many years for me to want to make a change and work on my marriage, but it has. I just don't have the trust from my husband to make him believe that our marriage is worth working on. We have come to a decision in the last few days that we will "legally" stay married for our girls; but he is not willing nor wanting to have anything more with me. Just friends. He still wants to continue this relationship with this other woman; who by the way is married with children, and lives many many miles away. He has never officially met her.

I want to support him but my feelings overwhelm me. I have never felt such heartbreak and devastation. I am so alone and have to fake happiness because of our girls and friends and family. I am not eating, not wanting to be around anyone, and emotionally struggling. Please help.

Thanks for your words. I have felt such an immense eye opening experience today, just realizing the fact that I can not do anything to change his mind by moping around, staying emotionally depressed, and overwhelming him by trying to manipulate him to love me.  I have to grow myself - be more attractive physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. I am struggling trying to find the words to suggest that we attend a marriage session. I am afraid because he has voiced that our marriage is over, and we are remaining "married" only for our girls. So to suggest he attend a marriage session with me is just me having "false hope" of recreating our marriage. But I can't give up....I can give him the space and hope he considers going with me; even if it just serves the purpose of growing us as individuals so that we are better for our girls.

Any suggestions?

I understand your point...and I am truly trying to enjoy life right now! I have made some commitments to myself about staying positive; giving him the space he wants; making "girl night outs", etc. I am worried however that the more space I give him, the further away he gets. He still seems to find things that upset him that I do, even though I personally know I am different and attempting to change. He will not stop communicating with this woman, and even when I asked him not to do it while home with me and the kids, he became very upset. Stated that I was trying to control him. Do I just let him do what he wants? I struggle with everyday touches and telling him that I love him....is this wrong? He doesn't want any personal/intimate moments, but then I get blamed for ignoring him when I go to a room and read, instead of being near him (even though he has told me that I need to go away when I am in the same room)....

just need to know that I am doing the right thing....

Thank you David - your encouraging words are so helpful right now. My goal is to continually pray to God that I remain strong and positive. I know the right things to do...it's just that I miss him so much. That one thought is my downer! I am afraid to make any suggestions/comments at this time to him related to us because he gets so defensive.  Therefore, staying with neutral conversations or conversations related to the kids is my best option.

Please keep encouraging me! I will get through this...one way or another!

You are doing the Roth thing we always try to protect the family and stay together but the most important thing is your happiness and your live so...  Start thinking about you
First

A smart man at this juncture would "wake up" and start meeting her needs to the best of his ability.  Problem is... she doesn't trust it... she thinks it's all a manipulation tactic to get her to GIVE to him again.  It takes time, effort, and patience on the man's part to show that his change is REAL.  Sometimes it works... and the couple can move forward... other times.. it's "too little...to late