My husband recently had an affair with a coworker.  It was the most painful thing i have ever had to deal with in my life. We been married for 7 years, it hurts so much and i dont know if i will be able to handle the situation anymore. The woman he was going out with  wont leave me alone, she calls me all the time. I cannot believe he had an affair with that type of woman, and she wants me to stay away from him.   I still in love with him but i think that he does not deserves a woman like me. I consider myself as a honest person, calm, great mom, mature, great wife but i guess thst is not enought for him. I love him and i just want him to be happy. WE both agree to make things work out for our kids, also he said that he loves me. I dont know if things are gona work this time. I realy wana spend the rest of  my life with him, but i dont trust on him anymore. I feel scare to huge him and kiss him....the woman he was going out with told me that she was better than me. I know what type of person I'm. I'm so confuse and  scare. I dont wana get hurt anymore.

June13,

I'm sorry your husband is having an affair. I know that is not an easy load to carry! Takeback1 is right in saying that if your husband is not having a certain need met then he will go out and get it met by someone else. So, what you need to do is find out what needs your husband feels aren't being met by you and start meeting them. The best way to find that out and to get the tools and knowledge to fix your marriage is to attend the LovePath 911 workshop for marriages in crisis! That is a very intense 3 day workshop that you and your husband attend and you will learn what causes an affair and what needs to be done to fix your marriage. If you can attend, I recommend the sooner the better! Click on the link on the top of the page or call 866-903-0990 and talk to a marriage consultant about it. They can also help you make a more informed decision.

Now, about what Takeback1 said, although I do agree w/ the "needs" part, the other part about you telling your husband you want a divorce just to see what his reaction is, that's not a wise thing to do. I say that b/c you are toying with not only your emotions, but  also his. You are tricking him into saying what you want to hear. What if he says he wants out? What if he jumps at the chance and you don't have the option of working on your marriage? I wouldn't advise that at all. If you want to save your marriage (and it can be saved) that's not how you do it. And I wouldn't recommend separating either. The only time separation needs to occur is if abuse is going on in the relationship. If you are being abused mentally, verbally, or physically then that's when you need to get out! Otherwise, what separation ultimately does (the majority of the time) is make it harder to fix the marriage. The one that wants out leaves, gets an apartment, is for the most part living the single lifestyle and they don't have to deal with the spouse or any of the normal day to day actions. They don't have to deal with the fighting, the kids, the "marriage" aspect anymore and it's so much harder to save those b/c they are "free" of it all! I'm not saying it always happens that way, but the majority of the time, when couples separate, it ends in divorce.

You want to keep your husband there with you, you want that interaction. But you want it to be positive! Even if you KNOW he's been out with her, you need to be positive. Still show him affection, still be nice to him, still try to have a positive attitude. Even if he talks about her (which he will) and says all these great things about her, you can say something like "I know you feel that way now, but hopefully in the future you will feel that way about me." Being negative and showing jealousy will only make you look weak and unattractive to him. If you need to start taking better care of yourself (I'm not saying you do) then do that. Start exercising, eating better, dress in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. Dumpy clothes on a woman, especially a woman who's down about her marriage, aren't flattering. In other words, look your best! If you feel good about yourself then it will ultimately come across to your husband and you will become more attractive to him. There is obviously something about this woman that he likes and what you need to do is become everything he needs! And when/if he talks about her then you, again, can say "I know you feel that way now, but hopefully in the future you will feel that way about me." That is a very positive thing for him to hear and let's him know that you haven't given up!

There is a book called "Your LovePath" by Joe Beam and you can find it at http://www.joebeam.com/books.htm It is really good and will help you see how the affair happened and how to get back on the "path" with your husband. But what I really think will help (along with the book) is if you and your husband can and will attend the LovePath 911 workshop like I said in the beginning.

Hang in there and know that there is a way to fix this! Any marriage can be lost, but ANY marriage can be saved. You just have to stay strong and get the help! There are thousands of couples who go through the LovePath workshop that one spouse in in an affair and by the end of the weekend, their marriage has been saved and the affair is broken off! So, there is hope!

I don't think I said for her to become a "doormat." And I in NO way was telling her to put up w/ him having the affair! Of course she should tell him he needs to end it and she shouldn't put up with it. But if they separate, I believe that will give him more freedom to see the woman and he will (more than likely) go live with her.

I understand you're a counselor. I respect your opinion b/c of that. But, I guess I disagree on your point of separation. I don't think it would be the best thing for this relationship. And if she does/did give him that freedom, I think the odds of that marriage being saved are very low. Unless, it's limerence...which it 98% could be. Then eventually he will snap out of it and come to his senses and hopefully will want to fix things. And hopefully she will take him back.

And one more thing, I'm Joe's daughter and I have heard him say, on many occasions, that separation is bad for a marriage. UNLESS there is abuse (physical, emotional, verbal) going on, or like you said if a spouse just won't stop doing whatever is destroying the marriage. But the one who wants to save the marriage doesn't need to jump the gun and just give in and say "get out until you stop." That in no way will help things! She needs to fight for her marriage and keep her husband at home as long as she can or as long as he will stay.   

Winmarriage,

Thanks for your response. I didn't at all mean to imply that she sleep with him while he's sleeping with that other woman. Or that she wait at home until he's done with his date with the other woman. You're right, that would be pathetic and put her in the position of doormat which is not at all attractive.

The caution and concern I have with couples separating is that in many cases it removes the struggle and the spouse who wanted to leave has gotten what he/she wants. She can't force him to stay, but granting a separation is nearly the last resort in my opinion. If she's a Christian and he respects the leaders at their church she can leverage their influence in some situations. And I think that at this point she "trusts but verifies." Or maybe it's more like she just "verifies" everything he says. If he says he's going to work, there's cell phone GPS that can show her that. And if he lies to her or goes off with that other woman, she needs to communicate to him that his actions were completely unacceptable.

She needs to decide if she thinks he is going to stop this. The LovePath 911 seminar will let her know because he will be able to see how his marriage can work and how he can be faithful. Once that happens (or some other sort of major intervention by an outside, qualified party) if he's still sleeping around, it's her call but as you said, she needs to show that she's not a doormat and she needs to decide if she wants to keep trying with a man who apparently won't change. But she's not to that level yet.

My understanding was that she was in the early stages of this, that he said he wanted to work it out and was trying. In this case, I think that it's reasonable for her not to trust him yet. He needs to earn that back by demonstrating he's trustworthy. But I don't think that jumping to the separation card is right for her yet. I think that she needs to forgive him as best she can and see if she can trust him again. Start small and move forward. If she chooses to forgive him and work on the marriage then being the best lover she can be is what she needs to do. If he cheats again, that's a different matter.

Thanks for your post. I agree that strength is what she needs to project at this point. By the way, June13, if you're still reading here's a couple of articles on this site that might be helpful in your situation:

http://www.marriagehelper.com/how_to_win_back_your_husband_or_wife.php
http://www.marriagehelper.com/how_to_save_marriage_after_an_affair.php