I hid my affair from my husband even after he found out. Everytime he found more evidence I just kept on denying. I couldn't stop lying because of all of the previous lies! I even tried contacting my affair partner again after promising i wouldn't. I am still hiding the fact that i spent more time with him than i have admitted to. My husband has been more than patient. I didnt know he could be as strong as he is. I thought he would leave me if i told the truth. He didn't. I thought i would hurt him more if I admitted more of what he had already found out/knew. After 3 months of threatening to leave him, and trying everything I knew to hurt him so he would just leave, Idecidedto do things his way. I started being more accountable, wrote a no contact letter, etc. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, neglected by a narcisistic mother, I can't show, talk about my feelings. Husband says I am emotionally bankrupt. I just don’t show remorse enough for him. He says he cannot move on without the story of my affair. It lasted 6 months. I don't even remember what we texted about. He showed me that I texted him over 100 times a day. I don’t even really remember what happened that night I met that guy. There was no love-just having fun. I was feeling lonely and a young guy found me attractive enough to complement me and showed an interest in me. My husband and I are way better than we were but he pulls away when I show affection-another thing he asked me to do so I did! Why should I keep doing it if he shuns me sometimes? I do love him and don't want to cheat and lie to him again. I think I could say "no" if another man approaches me. I told my husband I want to be married but I want to have fun too. Those words have opened up a new wound for him. I told him I don’t really know what I want. How can I be more intimate with him if I don’t even want to read his letters about his feelings? I have had enough heartbreak to last a lifetime. I told him I would do anything for him. He still seems distant, angry and I don’t think I can ever win back his respect.