I've read a number of letters on this and other sites that men are often shown as the unfaithful partner during their wife's or girlfriend's pregnancy. As you will read there are exceptions.

The following event happened 20+ years ago ~ Nine years into our marriage and a few weeks prior to giving birth, my wife who was in her late 20's had an evening 'date' with someone who she barely knew. She said she was going out with some female friends and this would be her last opportunity to do so before having the baby. A couple of weeks after the birth and following a number of phone calls made to the house (when I was at work and which I learned about later), to further woo her, she met-up again with her new male friend and they had a night of passion and unprotected sex. Several months later (on a Sunday evening, I remember like it was yesterday) in a sudden guilt attack she unloaded her bombshell. She pretty much insisted that her affair was all my fault... "as she had felt unhappy with me for some time". I honestly didn't think our marriage was in any problems. Personally I was too busy looking forward to the new baby, keeping my job and paying the bills. Whatever, I accepted her views (as her betrayal was done and I didn't want to inflict any unnecessary pain on her or on our young family). So after much heartache I/we carried on with our lives in wedded bliss! She insisted (as she still does) that this was her only sexual indiscretion in our marriage. I also forgave her because I loved her to bits, as I still do and she tells me likewise - but the problem is - every couple or more years (in the same months the affair took place) and without warning a dark cloud descends where my mind gets embroiled with the same painful memories and great anguish to that which I suffered when she told me about her affair. When under its spell I have an urgent need to revisit and mull over every part of her story. After a few days (sometimes weeks) I manage to snap myself out of it, but not before I’ve drowned myself in a lot of pain and negative thoughts. What's troubled me most is my wife blaming me for her affair and made to feel the guilty party. Alas still after all these years she still has problems telling me what happened by answering "my annoying questions". She tells me 'in her mind it was a stupid mistake' whereas in my mind the affair was an unmitigated disaster and her 'deception still continues to this day'. Also I can't help but think that our family and friends know what went on but they are keeping the lid on it! I have no evidence of this but this constantly racks my mind, as such these past years I have gradually distanced myself from everyone except my wife and children. With the passing years - and we aren't getting any younger - I look back and think that I must have been a doormat and a bloody fool for putting up with her cruel actions. That said, it would have been very wrong and callas of me if I had decided to throw the towel in and left my wife and young family in the circumstances that I have described.

I'm a proud person and have never sought counselling. I also have never confided in anyone (other than my wife of course). Can any of you relate to my situation? Will these thoughts ever go away?

Dear Pappabear,

Thank you for your kind words, advice and steer.  Appreciated.

Regards,
Stone

As the adage goes: “Tomorrow depends on the decisions we make today”.  One wrong choice and your life is changed or gone forever.  It is such ‘spur of the moment’ things that cause everlasting problems because one will end up messed-up and you will hear yourself saying over: “Oh I wish I had never set eyes on him/her, I should have walked away and I wouldn’t be in this mess today, if only”…..

Another and more personal perspective....and perhaps a recommendation before throwing the towel in:

When calmly analysing our broken marriage we quickly decided that it would be folly because of "1 divi lapse" if we chose to discard all the energy and love which we had jointly invested in our marriage, which at that point was 9+ years in the making. 

With our ‘marriage backpack’ on the floor, heavy with tears, post affair shrapnel scars and our children tied to each strap, we – when reflecting back – made the RIGHT and unwavering decision to contra the ‘single bad intrusion’ in our union with ALL our love credits, which at that time had slowly accumulated, to buy a "second chance" at making our marriage work.  This decision got us back on our way….

Now, 30 year on and in sight of the the home straight, we have used this mindset to keep to our route and has been the enabler in our marriage to overcome all sorts of “thin ice and unplanned obstacles” to get us through.