Ok where to start... Well my wife has been having an affair for the past 2 months, I just found out about 3 weeks ago.  She just started a new job 2 months ago and had been talking to this guy over the phone about the job and then one thing led to another and they started having an affair.  It started out as attention and led to physical.  This guy is 39 she is 33 and I am 35.  We have been married for 13 years and have 3 children.  She tells me she loves me but that she is not in love with me right now but that she is trying to find her feelings.  I have forgave her and she says she has cut all ties to this guy but she is still working there.  I have asked her to quit and she refuses so I feel they are still talking some whether she is still in the affair or that she is trying to cut the ties I don't know, she says she doesn't want to hurt him even though he has nearly destroyed our marriage.

The reason this all happened was the fact I didn't show her the attention she needed and I have been verbally abusive and drank for years (not physically abusive though) but I have in the last 3 weeks found God and quit drinking and I have not yelled at her or called her names since, I have God on my side now and he gives me strength.  She says she is a little freaked out at the change in me but that she had prayed for years for me to change and I have.  She says she is trying and that she is trying to find her feelings for me again but I am simply lost and don't know what to do. 

I am still living at home and taking care of the kids while she works 3 days per week and we are attending marriage counseling with a Christian Marriage Counseler who says we could have a beautiful marriage after we get past all this.  We have both admitted to our wrong doings and I feel that is a big step.  I pray several times a day for God to help me save my marriage and for him to step in and move in our marriage and give her feelings for me back.  The counseler tells me to stay at home but I am not sure what to do.  I feel like as long as I am at home I am giving her permission to have an affair.  She shows me no affection unless I ask for it, not even hold my hand or a pop kiss.  We are still sleeping in the same bed and she asks me to cuddle with her every night to reassure her I am still here.  She still says she loves me every time we hang up the phone or part ways.  She was madly in love with me for 13 years and ran around like a chicken with her head cut off up until 2 months ago and I noticed a change when this all came about.  She says she has feelings for this man because he gave her attention when I didn't and that she has told him she loves him.  What do I do?  Do I stay at home and work on this like my marriage counseler says and her feelings will eventually come back for me or do we seperate and hopefully with me being gone she will find her feelings for me again?  What can I do and how can I get her to find her feelings for me again, she loved me too much to just lose them they have to be "misplaced" right now.  She says she is confused really bad right now and is not sure what to do.

You do not need to separate. If you do, she will not have to face the "real world" with you in it and will get used to not having to work on things. Stay home.

If someones needs are not being met, they will look for it somewhere else. You know that and you know that's why she did what she did. But, it's still no excuse. Stay at the house. Continue to go to counseling. But most of all, if you marriage does not last do NOT let that rock your faith. Sometimes God allows things to happen that we do not understand. But that doesn't mean that He isn't there or didn't answer your prayers. You said you recently found God. I assume that means you became a christian. Are you in church? Do you have a pastor that you trust? You might want to go to him for counseling also.

Also, think about attending the LovePath 911 workshop for marriages in crisis. This does not take the place of counseling but will explain more of how this happened and how to get past it.