SavingMarriage13,

I am in a similar situation to yours.  I recommend reading this document http://www.joebeam.com/Intervention.htm  It helped me understand more about what is going on with my spouse and what I should do to save him/her and our marriage.  (Though, I am praying also that God's will be done and understand that my spouse has freewill and if he/she chooses to continue in divorcing me, I WILL be okay.  God WILL take care of me and give me abundant life, peace, strength, and joy in Him.  He already is.)

Also, Joe Beam's book about spiritual warfare Seeing the Unseen helped me understand what has taken place (it has probably opened my eyes the most) as well.  And I have just read Your LovePath, and it is also very helpful.  I don't typically recommend books because I don't typically read books, but I really do recommend these two books.  They are very easy to read.  Joe Beam, author of both books, has a very logical and captivating train of thought.

I am in the process of attending Joe Beam's next marriage seminar (LovePath 911) with my spouse on April 23-25.  I highly suggest that you and your spouse attend.  Payment is a problem for us.  Thankfully, my church is paying for it.  If you need any help paying for yours, please let me or someone else know.  I have already suggested the seminar to another person I have met who is on the brink of the divorce.  I hope to see you, and them, there.  I hear powerful things about this seminar - that the Holy Spirit works powerfully and if there is just 10% of the person that wants to change the seminar will likely grab onto that 10%.

Also, if my spouse goes he/she will not be attending to save our marriage.  He/she will be going for another reason, but this is fine.  The point is just to get him/her there.

Do you have a big support group?  We are bathing my situation in prayer and trusting God, seeking to be led by His Spirit.  This is our weapon and I highly suggest that you use it well.  In my case, I know that nothing can change my spouse except God and his grace.  And, trusting God is KEY.  I am now able to truly understand the meaning of living "in the Spirit."  I am relying on God and He has been faithful, giving me supernatural strength, joy, and peace in this time.  I now never again want to live without being led by Him like this, relying on Him 100%.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)

P.S. - Lamentations 3:19 I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

A song touched my heart today, and I wanted to share it here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIkQ7YVys_A <-- watch/listen here

Mikeschair "Let The Waters Rise" lyrics


Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

Ohhh

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I might not be there, Joe....  But I am praying and trusting God.

Both of us are registered, but my spouse has decided not to attend.  We (my support group of believers and I) are praying and trusting God.  We met together during church and prayed hard.  God gives us what we need to fight Satan's schemes and we are trying so hard to live in the Spirit and be led by God in this.

My spouse carried on an emotional affair - I do not know for how long, but for 1 year at the most - and did not consumate it with sexual intercourse until after we discussed divorce.  Since then my spouse has undergone a complete lifestyle change.  We are Christians and were virgins when we got married, and talked on multiple occasions how divorce was never an option and we even said once that we would love and forgive each other even if there were ever an affair.  After divorce was discussed one day, my spouse left and kissed and eventually slept with this other person, and has gotten an apartment and moved in with this person. 

My spouse has been living like this for over a month now and we are all so shocked.  We have read the intervention document and understand the psychological aspect.  We also know it is obvious that more than anything, Satan has such a STRONG hold on him right now...  This is NOT my spouse as I have ever known him/her!  I literally feel like my spouse has been STOLEN from me by Satan.  Since my spouse has moved out, I have taken your advice and do not contact my spouse, have become independent (God is truly glorified by the amount of supernatural strength, peace, and joy He has given me - people see it), and I have acted contrarily but not disrespectfully.  My spouse has only contacted me less than a handful of times throughout this whole month (more than a month) and it was through short text messages regarding financial issues and taxes.  Other than this we do not see or speak to each other, except for one financial meeting (with a mutual friend from church) and one meeting dealing with taxes.  At the second meeting, when we were alone, my spouse seemed to have his guard down (a first) and held a long gaze at me.  I almost thought my spouse was going to smile and apologize or hug me, but instead my spouse turned away and so I said good bye and left (being independent.)  My spouse might have been waiting for me to say something or melt down, I don't know.

My spouse is not remorseful at all.  My spouse has told a mutual friend that he/she knows what they are doing wrong and just wants to keep doing it.  It breaks my heart, but I am not even upset about the affair right now.  I know that God can restore us and restore our marriage.  I am GRIEVING that my spouse has turned away from God like this!!!!!!!!  GRIEVING.  I love my spouse so much.  It is not a desperate love.  I know that God will take care of me and I will be alright without my spouse.  I know that I should always be okay with only God, that I should not ever trust a spouse more than I trust God..(I have learned that.)  But my heart ACHES for my spouse, the other half of me, to be reunited with God.. 

Like I said, I am absolutely SHOCKED that my spouse (someone no one EVER would have thought capable of this complete lifestyle change) has left and chosen a life of complete sin without looking back..  All I think is that Satan has that much of a hold on him..  This kind of power is crazy.  But I am thankful that we really do have a Spirit (God's Spirit) in us that is stronger than Satan, and stronger than anything..

The message I received from my Christian friends after we prayed on Sunday was that we need to keep trusting God and praying..  That now is the time to pray more, have more faith, and be stronger..  By God's grace, I pray my spouse is restored in God and that our marriage will be restored.

Joe, or anyone else, if you have any advice, please share.

And just to give you an idea of this extreme lifestyle change....

We have been married 5.5 years and my spouse is my best friend..  My spouse has said on multiple occasions how happy he/she is that he/she can be themselves and feel accepted by me.  We have always been extremely demonstrative and close.  We cuddle all the time and I'm always (like multiple times a day every day) telling my spouse I love him/her.  We decided early on that we wouldn't go to bed angry, so we've always hashed everything out, worked it out, and moved on.  (Or so I thought.  My spouse started yelling at me early on and at first I was traumatized, but then my spouse said when he/she yelled it didn't mean they were angry it was only because their dad yelled growing up.  I believed that and loved my spouse despite that flaw, but over time I started yelling back.  Again, thinking that it wasn't a big deal, just a different way of communicating.  I eventually thought that because we yelled or "hashed things out" we got it out and moved on, but now my spouse says we fought too often.  And I had just gotten used to it..  I do not consider myself an angry person, and apart from my spouse I never yell.)

For the first 5 years we literally made love every day and many times multiple times a day.  Over the last 6 months it has reduced to only a few times a week due to extracurricular activities I was involved in (I have since dropped the main one completely, but am still going back to school.)  But we were having sex often even leading up to the night my spouse told me he/she was so unhappy.  In fact, we made love just 2 days before we talked about divorce and my spouse left and this complete lifestyle change has taken place..

In my mind, all of the indicators for a great relationship were there..  So, my eyes have been opened to the fact that this can happen to ANYONE.  And also, my eyes are opened to the anger issues and stuff now, too.

Hi JesusSaves,

I haven't checked this forum since last April, so I was happy to see your responses.  Your situation does sound very similar.  Have you attended LovePath911?

My wife said that she would only attend if I signed the divorce papers.  I told her that I couldn't promise her that.  We do not talk often -- maybe once every two weeks (sometimes once a week).  If we do talk, it is about my job search (I'm currently unemployed), since she is trying to help me find a job.

Our relationship was also very strong at the beginning.  We were married in Oct 2003 and we said we would never divorce and always "love" each other.  We might not like each other from time to time, but we would always love each other.  At the time we were married, we were both Christians, but she was a much stronger Christian than me.  After she moved out, I moved much closer to God.  When I helped her move out, she asked me, "How did we get here?" -- this was back in August 2009.  A few weeks later when she moved more stuff out, she gave me a hug and started crying.  She said that this was so hard and so sad...  Anyway, she definitely feels bad (or felt bad) about what she was doing, but now she told me she has moved on with her life. 

I learned a few months ago that the other man is living in another city and my wife was watching his house (the other man would come home twice a month supposedly).  I just learned today that the house that my wife was living in is for sale.  I'm suspecting that my wife might be moving to this other city with the other man.

I do have a support group and we do pray quite a bit.  As you wrote, this is so "unlike" my spouse.  She was so against divorce, affairs, etc.  She said that she still attends church (not the same church as me), which I think is positive.  It seems she wants to move on, start from a clean slate and then try to what's right in God's eyes...

I know that I'll be okay with God's help if my wife divorces me and moves on.  However, I'm trying to do my best to keep commuincation open and do the right things so that my wife will at least consider reconciliation.  I know God hates divorce. 

I would be interested in learning if you and your spouse attended LovePath 911.  I hope you two did.  I'm praying to God how to ask my spouse to attend again w/o any strings attached.  I also mentioned to my spouse in the past about reaching closure.  There is a therapist (not a Christian but she is very pro-marriage) who helps couples reach closure by meeting with them and looking closely at their relationship -- kind of like open heart surgery.  It is expensive, but it is supposed to be worth it.  At this moment, it appears my spouse won't do any of these things unless I sign the divorce papers.  If you or anyone else has any thoughts, I would appreciate it.

Thanks.

Thanks for the advice, JesusSaves.  Earlier this year, my wife asked me the same thing -- if I would "contest" the divorce if she filed.  I said that I wouldn't sign the papers since it would go against what I believe in -- my Christian values.  I could not agree to such a thing or be part of it.  When she did finally file, I did not agree to it... in the state where we live, both spouses have to be separated for at least 2 years if one spouse doesn't want the divorce (if both spouses agree, they have to be separated for at least 6 months). 

I don't like the way my spouse is acting either, but I promised to love her unconditionally (for better or for worse).  I don't condone what she's doing or agree with it, but I know the person I married is still in there somewhere...

I think my spouse will go to the workshop if I promise to sign the papers afterwards.  I don't think I can make that promise.  I would prefer that she go to help me or for "closure".  I'm working on a way to approach her with that...

that is a ver sad story...if she decided to move on with some one elseis because she does not love you any more. I'm pretty sure that she'll regret some day happiness and passion does not least for ever. i wish you the best and i hope things get better!!!