Hi everyone

I've been married to my H for almost 5 years. We have a son together 3yrs old. Came to the States to marry him after a year of long distance relationship, we got married in Upstate NY, I had a part time job while I waited for my green card, I was happy there because it's a city, 6 months after our marriage we moved down to a really small town in AL then not long after I got pregnant. I had a really high risk and hard pregnancy resulting in our son being born 5 weeks earlier. I really thought I suffered from post partum depression but I didn't know what it was or even bother to talk about it with my doctor, I just pushed H away, refused to have sex with him the whole time. I was very unhappy in that town, I couldn't drive, my green card process took forever (I didn't get it until my son was like 3 months old), I had no friends, the town doesn't even have public transportation, and also I had to deal with my then 11 years old stepson. I never married before and when I dated H I always thought the kids would stay with their mother. I guess part of me wasn't ready to be a step mother. Perhaps I had built myself a set of how my marriage life with H would be and when it didn't happen I started to emotionally feeling detached to him. Thinking back I knew he stood by my side the whole time I was so depressed and I know how bad I was treating him and still carry that guilt until today.

He found a job in China in early 2008, I didn't agree with this because the company refused to sponsor our visas (me and my son) but H went along with it, saying I'd be happy there. I resented the move and I went home to stay with my parents. During the 3 months I was away from him I got to contemplate on how bad I was treating him in AL and I wanted to fix this marriage.

So I went to China but I found that he gave a girl a place to stay as a favor for his friend (that's what he told me), I was so shocked, mad and hurt but I tried to believe his story. He said nothing happen but I knew he was already a different men then. I apologized to him because I realize all my mistakes and I owned them. He said he forgive me but he's still distant and so cold. We didn't even had any sex the whole time I was there. Because the company and we can't apply for my resident permit there I had to go back to my home country in Indonesia. Total I spent only 2 months there in China out of 1 year he was there.

When his contract ended, I asked him to come here while he wait for a new job. He didn't come until being unemployed for over a month. Three months after that he got a new job, a really nice position in one of the airline here. They sent him to France for a business trip only 2 days after they hired him. He stayed there for 4 weeks. I accidentally checked one of his email account that he barely use and there I found an email from a Chinese dating site. I went there, managed to get his password and saw everything he's been talking to girls there, reading his profile of looking for a nice girl for a serious relationship and possibly marriage, put his status as divorced. I was crushed, I was mad I yelled at him over the phone. Again, he said nothing happen, that he never meet them that it was just an online thing because he was lonely when he was in China. There was not one word of sorry from him.

When he got back, we moved to our own place provided by the company. Then just last week, a day after my birthday I found pictures that he emailed to this girl from his Blackberry (he didn't know that it would still be stored on the Sent folder!). Plenty pictures of her in bed, two pictures of them together, 1 in a plane somewhere (last month when he said he had to go for an outstation audit trip - later was confirmed by the company's driver, the girl was there when the driver pick him up), one of the picture is him holding her from behind, all smiling and I saw that sparkle in his eyes...the kind of sparkle I haven't seen since we left AL.

I moved out but to this day he still denies anything happen between the two of them. At first he said she's a flight attendant just being silly, then next she's someone from work who happened to be on the same flight. I had found out her name and she's one of his staff at work. He said I can't confess something I didn't do even with the evidences piling up.

He's been so cold since China, we barely had sex even when I initiated it he would refused. We're living like roommates and I tried and tried to show him I love him but he just shot me cold and I guess I finally gave up trying. He worked so much, sometimes he didn't come home at all. I started to feel even more unhappy than I was before. I had told him, email him, writing him letters telling how much I want his old self back but if he doesn't love me then I will set him free, to which he only reply I love you and I want to be with you, if not I would've walk away a long time ago.

Today he said in his email that he still can't let go of what happened in AL even after I apologized, he still hold it against me. While I still can't let go of all these 'girls' I found out about and I told him this. He agree to separation for now.

I do still love him but how can we move past this? Is this even worth fighting for? I feel so guilty for my son...I know he miss his Daddy and still needs him but I'm afraid to let him go alone with our son because he used to threat me that if I'm going to leave him, our son will be staying with him.

I had found two English speaking marriage counselor here although I doubt he will want to go since I had begged him to go to counseling in China but he refused.

I'm just so lost. Part of me doesn't want to file for divorce but part of me is still hurting so much from all his affairs even when he keep denying them and I still do love him.

Sorry for the long post. I can be very wordy when I type something.

Joanna, thank you so much for your reply.

I suppose to meet him to talk things through either this week or next week and I told him I will only come if he promised to lay it all out, no more lies, no more holding back, I want it all out on the table, whatever it is I am ready. That's when I'm going to propose the counseling idea. Unfortunately, we're in Asia right now and we can't do the LovePath 911 workshop :(

I can only hope he is willing to do that, if not then you are right...he haven't even show any real effort to fix this marriage other than saying 'i still love you' or 'yes, there is hope to fix us' on his emails.

DR S thank you for your kind words,
Sadly I just found out today from the company's driver (that used to drive me and my son too) that the other women had been staying at the apartment for the last 3 days all the while H keep emailing me saying she was a friend, nothing happened between them.
This marriage is over, I just cannot forgive him any longer. :(

I hate to make you feel worse than you do already but have you considered that if it took you so long to get your relationship where it is today, it might also take a while for you to fix things? My relationship went through a tail spin once but I got help from this really great program and have everything to show for it today.

Your son deserves the effort you both need to make but sometimes, someone has to start before the other will see any reason to follow. Take the step and and don't be discouraged.