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sissy51
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« on: December 29, 2009, 10:21:37 AM »

 ::prayinghard::hi in new to this place and need some advice.heres my story..........i have been with my husband 10 yrs now but only married for 2.we had problems with his ex in the past,things that she had said to me long ago that i had always been reminded of in the back of my head.now a year ago i felt he might have been or wanted to cheat on me because of texting and forwarding really nasty and sexual jokes ets.i know it was wrong to sneak in his phone and thats how i found them.i didn't say anything,that hurt me so much it was unreal. we had an argument and he left,i started drinking alcohol and mixing with pain relief meds.i more i drand the more i started seeing red.i started thinking things from my ex husband and it all came out.now my husband thinks that i had cheated on him before we got married.i had said"well whatever happened before we got married dosen't count." i repeated it twice.when i met him i was still married to my 1st husband.i had to hide and all the things i did so i wouldn't get caught,i said to him "i was a pro i was good at it  an didn't get caught." i was refering that i was cheating on my 1st husband and it was with my now husband.now he thinks that i did actually cheat just because of my "implying"that i did.just to make his angry enough to admit if he was the one that was cheating.well,he didn't.but the texting etc,to me is emotionally cheating but he doesn't think so.this man is my life,my soulmate the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.i  do know what the marriage vows are and have kept them close to my heart.i am a born again christian for 6 months now and do know that God does heat  and restores hurting marriages.but my husband says its over and divorce is in the future.can anyone shed light on this and what the scriptures say about this mess i have caused?God bless all of you
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chefsean
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« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2009, 11:20:12 AM »

Hi Sissy,

Try starting fresh. Give up the things you know you shouldn't be doing like the alcohol and pills, the anger, jealousy, retribution, etc. Pray for help to get rid of all of that, it doesn't hurt anyone but you.

Pray for forgiveness for yourself and for your husband. Find it in your heart to forgive your husband and find it in your heart to allow your husband to forgive you, and simply tell your husband this: You forgive him, and you hope he can forgive you.

From that point on begin to speak to him as your soulmate once again.

It's the first step to putting the past behind you and moving on together.

Most importantly you need to begin to live your life as you know God would want you to, you will be a better person for it and He will bless you.

God Bless,

Chef Sean
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"If the divine creator has taken pains to give us delicious and exquisite things to eat, the least we can do is prepare them well and serve them with ceremony." -Fernand Point
sissy51
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« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2009, 11:52:53 AM »

well the pills and alcohol was just a one time thing.i have not had any alcohol in a year(learned the hard way it destroys your life) the meds were scripts and in a drunken stuper and anger thats what happened.how do i convince him that i had done "nothing "wrong (cheated) since we met. he says the trust is gone.how do i get that back?
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chefsean
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« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2009, 01:20:56 PM »

well the pills and alcohol was just a one time thing.i have not had any alcohol in a year(learned the hard way it destroys your life) the meds were scripts and in a drunken stuper and anger thats what happened.how do i convince him that i had done "nothing "wrong (cheated) since we met. he says the trust is gone.how do i get that back?

Trust is something that's generally not broken unless there's a reason and not gotten back unless it's earned. If I had to make a guess I would say these two things are true:

1. His lack of trust isn't from a misunderstanding about what you said but rather from the fact that you cheated on your previous husband.

2. He is using the trust issue as an excuse to do what he wants, which is flirting with another woman.

As I mentioned, trust is earned. Stay true to him and go do the things I mentioned in my previous post and let everything that comes from your mouth from then on be the gospel truth. When he sees you are who you say you are and that you haven't just been waiting for the first chance to find someone new, you will keep earning that trust back.

Please keep in mind, as hard as it may be, that you need to get your life in order and be a positive influence on yourself and those around you. That has to happen, so when he does see the direction your life is taking he will want to be a part of it.

Consider this a bump in the road hon and make him SEE that you are what you say you are.

You and God can do this.

Chef Sean
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sissy51
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« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2009, 12:57:41 PM »

thanks so much for responding.this has got to be the BIGGEST bump in the road i have ever encountered.i refuse to give up on this marriage no matter how long it takes because i know the Lord is on my side.bless you all
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hangingon123
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« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2010, 06:06:23 PM »

I am in similar situation except my husband filed for divorce about a year and a half ago and will be final in 8 weeks.  I have used so many different avenues of help from Divorce Busting, to David Clarke's tough love approach with out success.  Although, my husband has admitted confusion about what he is dong over the course of this time, he has never stopped divorce, and I had to retain my own lawyer for fear of what I coul.d loose.  I am now at the place where I am going to use the 911 course as a means of negotiation towards settlement...you come to this and we will work out settlement.  I am so trying to keep hope alive.  My husband has had several affairs one of which was the catalyst for the divorce.  I am new to posting here and don't know if I should be replying to you or not, but would love to have encouragement and someone to share with.
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Joanna
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« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2010, 07:15:36 PM »

Hangingon,

I replied to your post under the topic "Questions about 911 workshop" then the thread "New to the program."

I hope you take the time to read it.

Joanna
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"Marriage problems? Get off your tail and do something about it." ~ Me
chefsean
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« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2010, 09:33:09 PM »

Hi hangingon123,

Welcome  Hi

Please do reply and as often as you like on any subject or topic here in the forums, there are lots of folks here needing help and giving help throughout the site.

About your situation, could you get into detail, just like a back history and as much as you feel like sharing?

Also how much God and prayer play a part and is your husband a religious man at all?

Nice to meet you,  Chef Sean

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akan4
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« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2010, 05:33:43 AM »

when a partner is difficult to please, and he or she is not ready to change, it is bound to affect the disposition of the other partner. for instance, when the attitude of the wife makes the husband to feel inferior, he may embark on cheating. also when the husband makes the woman to lose confidence in herself; being dressed down publicaly  withuot  being respected or appreciated, like her dressings being noticed or her looks commended, she may desire to seek attention outside the home and fall prey to any admirer outside. let us take note of this.
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