My wife and I have been together for more than 12 years, since high school. The first few years were excellent and I think a lot of it was we were just kids. When we moved from our hometown things began to change. First my wife was having a relationship with someone else. Now being young I made my own mistakes so I knew I had that coming. We worked through that and got a married soon after. Then we only had two kids and now we have four. As I have gotten older I have matured as I think most people do, however my wife's growth has been stagnant. I feel like her being with me was a bad thing because she just gave up all hope of being anything and basically just rode me. She doesn't have any friends that she keeps in contact with, no hobbies, no interests, no desire to do more in her professional life. She has absolutely no self esteem and is very insecure.

I noticed these things early on but I thought I might be able to help her with all of that. Turns out all I have done is allowed myself to be blamed for all of it. Nothing negative that ever happens to my wife is her fault, it's always someone else's fault. She even had a first grade teacher that her and her mom say killed her self esteem. This was more than 25 years ago and they still hang on to it. There is not one part of my wife's life that she can handle. She is stressed when dealing with the kids, stressed at work, stressed with her duties at home. My oldest son plays a lot of sports and she rarely goes to the games. Why? Because I coach and she must take our smaller kids and guess what? She get's to stressed out. Even when I'm not coaching she usually chooses not to go. She complains that the housework is too much but she sleeps at least 70% of her free time away. Not that she is tired, she just likes to sleep and avoid real life.

In my opinion she is depressed and she has anxiety issues, both of which she has discussed with the doctor. They have prescribed her medication but you have to change your way of thinking along with the medication. She has never taken the first step to deal with her problems rather she hopes the "pill' will do everything. Her mom is the same way and I am beginning to think my wife will never change. I am the breadwinner in the house, I handle all the bills, I handle everything that has to do with the kids like school, doctor appts, sports etc. The only thing I don't take care of totally on my own is the housework and bathing and dressing the kids. I do help out but my wife would prefer that we at least split the duties. Now these are the only duties she has and I don't feel I should have to split them. Granted she does work full time but I work full time, go to school full time, and like I said handle every facet of our kids lives outside the home. Money is another problem in our marriage. We recently filed bankruptcy and I think we need to change our spending habits. I mentioned we needed to follow a budget and that  started an argument. Now you would think my wife would want to help our family by budgeting but all she sees is that it's my idea. So does she budget? No, and at the end of every month we have no food and little money every month.

The main thing I see as a problem with my wife is that she is totally driven by emotions. We all have emotions but we need to be able to handle them. My wife approaches everything from an emotional perspective rather than a practical perspective. It has caused her a lot of problems in her personal life and in our marriage. However, she does not want to admit that at all. My wife is the type of person that knows what she does wrong but always justifies it to herself. It's too hard to face the truth so she just skates through life dodging what's real. She has even admitted it before. I am at the point that I want to leave and take my kids with me. There is no way my wife could handle my kids alone and she has admitted that. However, if I left, her emotions would take over and she would fight that. Not because she feels differently but because like I said, her emotions run her life. I really hate the thought of my kids growing up with us apart but I am really unhappy. For the record my wife is unhappy also but she would never willingly leave the comfort bubble she has created. If she did leave she would be looking for the first guy she could to take care of her. She has no desire to be independent at all, none. At this point I don't think I can help my wife with her emotional problems. She is not willing to go to counseling because she knows and has admitted, she will hear true negative things about herself that she would rather not hear. You see she will admit that she has problems that she does not want to face. The problem for me is that I have spoken about those problems for years so now I have become just one of her enemies. Everything is my fault and if I would just make some changes then she could change. You see in her mind I have total control of her happiness. I totally believe she thinks that, just as she thinks everybody else controls her bad attitude. If they would change what they are doing then she could change her attitude. She is the victim and everybody else victimizes her. I am just lost on what I should do.

I have prayed about this for years and things haven't changed. At this point I am thinking I need to wake up and smell the coffee and leave. What my kids might go through is what keeps me staying. It's sad but I really hate going home after work some days. It's inevitable that at least 80% of the time my wife is having a bad day. One thing is for sure she will not deal with that bad day herself, she will take it out on me or the kids, guaranteed. As we have grown we have grown apart. I like to have conversations about various topics whether its politics, sports, schools, world news, whatever. My wife has no interest in what's going on in the world, education, sports, politics or anything. She only watches reality television shows like those housewives shows. Most fifth graders know more about the world than my wife. She doesn't know how to look for job (not kidding), she has no idea how to do a resume, where to look for jobs, how to prepare for interviews, nothing. Why? She has never had the initiative to learn those things and along the way I have been guilty of enabling her. I have literally done her resume for her every time and even communicated through email with employers as if I am her. Why? Because if I don't she will never take the initiative on her own and I need her help financially. I have always worked towards being able to get a better job so she can stay home. Not  because that's what I believe in but because I know the less responsibilities I give her the better of we will be since she will be less stressed. After our second child she stayed home for a year without working and we struggled like crazy. Not once did she say I need to get a job. Why? She was in her comfort zone with no responsibilities and no stress. That is what lead us to bankruptcy but she didn't care because as I mentioned she has no fault in anything. I could go on for days but I think I am going to  stop now. I don't know if anyone can help me or not. It just really felt good to get all this off my chest.

I think the best thing you can do is talk to her because if you do not it will all come to a head one day and then it might be to late to save your marriage. I would reccommend sending the kids away for the night and just talking. let her know you can not take much more and you do not want to fight.