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Author Topic: Talking the "D" word ....  (Read 1753 times)
Jonesy
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« on: August 16, 2010, 11:52:42 PM »
I have been talking about the big "D" word to my husband.  I've had a lot of feelings.  I think it all started when he casually cheated on me a year after we got married.  I thought I could get over him cheating and talk things out.  We did that.  I don't think I ever got over it.  It hurt like hell.  Two years ago he started acting different.  He was always mad at me.  He works a lot, which is fine because we have a huge household to uphold.  I got sick and doctors can't figure out what's wrong with me.  He doubts I am sick.  Which is a totally different story.  I went through his cell phone a year ago.  He was talking to a girl who was sending him half naked photos of herself.  She kept texting and texting him.  I finally got irate and typed a message back to her stating he is married and stop texting him.  He got really mad I did that and now locks his phone so I can't get into it.  He said he no longer talks to her, but if I can't get into his phone, he must be lying.  I don't know.  He does a lot of things that I don't understand.  It's a much bigger story than just the cell phone thing.  I don't want to leave him because I have five kids, but I'm tired of fighting and being miserable.  This just sucks.  I want to be a good wife.  I feel like I'm miserably failing and no matter what I try, he still thinks I don't appreciate him.  I guess I just need someone who is in the same boat to talk to.  I'm really upset.  Anyone willing to help??
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Joanna
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« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2010, 09:49:00 AM »
As I was reading your post, I couldn't help but notice that you said he "casually" cheated on you. What does that mean? I guess I don't see cheating, in any form, as being "casual." So, if you don't mind explaining that...

You also said that he cheated on you after only a year into your marriage. Had y'all been together for very long before you got married? Just wondering what your relationship was like before marriage? I know things can change but it seems like you may have been having problems before marriage for him to cheat in that short of time.

About this other woman...I can understand where you were coming from in what you did about the cell phone. My first instinct would be to text her as well and tell her off! But, that actually wasn't the right thing to do in this situation. The minute you contacted her, she probably saw that as a "jealous" wife and made her more into your husband. If it doesn't come from your husband that she needed to stop sending those pics and text's then it won't do any good.

What you need to do is not nag  him about her. Even though he says he's not talking to her anymore, you can't be sure and you'll just have to take his word for it.  The best thing for you to do right now is back off a little. He's upset at you for looking in his phone and he sees you as someone he can't trust right now...which is totally backwards I know!

Do your best to have a good attitude and treat him w/ respect. He may not see it for a while but hopefully soon he will. You can also look into the LovePath 911 workshop. Click the link at the top of the page and call the number listed. They can help you.
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"Marriage problems? Get off your tail and do something about it." ~ Me
Jonesy
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« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2010, 10:57:37 PM »
We knew each other for four years before getting married.  Our relationship was awesome before we got married.  It only changed completely two and half years ago.  Our whole relationship went haywire.  He doesn't trust me and I don't trust him.  He said the woman he cheated with was just pressuring him to sleep with her.  He said he got tired of her nagging and just did it.  Anyway, I'm not the type of person to sit back and do absolutely nothing about my husband talking to another woman, when I'm not suppose to have guy friends either.  I think the relationship should be equal.  If I'm not allowed to text guys or talk to guy friends, then he should have enough respect to do the same.  I don't play the sit back and let things ride thing.  I have before and it wasn't the right thing to do.  All the marriage guides tell you to voice your opinion, without harshness.  Keeping things bottled inside only makes everything worse.  And it is true.  It's happened before that I gave the man space etc, and we didn't make it.  Our relationship is 90/10.  Hes ninety and I'm ten.  He wants a lot of double standards.  When I started telling him that it wasn't fair to me, that's when things got bad.  I know we have a lot of issues and this is just one of them.  I am just tired of yelling and nothing getting worked out.     Frustrated!
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heathermom
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« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2010, 06:23:30 PM »
I agree with you on contacting her. You did nothing wrong she needed to know he was married in case she did not know. My advice, would be to just try and give him a little space. The more you fight with him to more he is going to want out. I am sure he probably picks a lot of the fights so this will require just grinning and nodding. I am really not sure if this will work, I know you do not want him to walk all over you either, but the more pleasent you are the more he will want to stay.
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momof6
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« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2010, 10:49:11 AM »
I agree on contacting her..i would have done the very same thing!! But contrary to the others views, imho..i think you should stay married but move on with your life..ie go back to school if that is your dream, go back to work, start going out, and expanding friendships, at that point maybe he will see that he IS in fact loosing the best thing for him.
best wishes
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Joanna
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« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2010, 01:31:40 PM »
Jonesy should not contact the other woman. I say that b/c Jonesy has no power over her and that will only make her (Jonesy) look desperate. Because if Jonesy contacts her and says "He's married. Stay away from my husband!" The other woman will think "well that's not what he wants." And the lover is only going to see her as trying to keep her away from him.

The only way she should be contacted is if HE does it and if it's for the last time. But it's meaningless if the wife does it b/c it only makes her look desperate and weak.

Jonesy, I really think the two of you need to go to LovePath 911!! Please look into it. If anything will save your marriage, this will.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2011, 08:11:25 AM by Joanna » Logged
DepressedKen
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« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2011, 04:10:20 PM »
I am not happy to hear any of this but I am happy to see some of you are getting or may get a divorce for legitimate reasons. 

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devaughnclyde
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« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2011, 02:01:44 AM »
The best thing for you to do right now is back off a little and refrain from nagging him and when the two of you are in calm You should both try to talk about it..but  If  it aint work and you have proven that he really cheated on you many times then you really should set your him free and that is the time for you to ask for an advice about *Link Removed*. You do not deserve to be treated so badly.

You do not deserve to be stuck with someone who does not respect you enough to remain faithful.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2011, 12:50:25 PM by gman959 » Logged
“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.”
Angita
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« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2011, 05:25:59 AM »
I again don't thin just cause so woman nagged him for sex and he gave it a lame story if you ask me.
I would move on get him/it out of the way asap and then find out who you are and what you want and go get it.
Angita
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