Hello. I'm new to this forum and thought I would get some feedback on my relationship with my husband. We've been married for three years now and one of the biggest issues I have is trust. For the longest time I thought it was my issue - that I had to learn to trust. I've stuck around because my husband has never really lied to me, but he has kept things from me. Of course, I find out about things and we discuss them and somehow his deception becomes understandable.
One of the first major issues is when we first started to date we had a discussion about cheating in our relationship. He admitted to cheating on his first wife when he was very young. I understood that and it was over 10 years ago, so I let it go. Then when we were married, I found out that he cheated on his ex girlfriend just a few years back. We talked about it, he said he met someone else while still with a girlfriend, but promptly broke it off when he thought it was becoming serious to the point of sexual relationship with the other woman. I didn't like it, but I also let that go.
The next issue is his secret use of porn and his general desire to have sex with me. I've noticed big lulls in our sex life and after discussing this with him, he just explained it as he's too tired from work. I've accepted that and tried to deal with my own desire on my own as to not bother him. Now, I find, while cleaning his computer of a virus, that he likes to view shemale and tranny porn. I don't have a problem with porn. I've been open to him and view it myself on occasion, but I do have a problem with him not being totally honest and open with me. I'm beginning to feel he's not totally open to himself. I understood his need for privacy and gave it to him.
We've discussed this issue, he got upset and won't talk to me. He said it was a curiosity. His attitude and demeanor reminds me of when we discussed his infidelities. I've also learned that in all of his relationships the lack of sexual desire has been an issue. To the point that all of his ex girlfriends has accused him of either seeing someone else or just not interested in them. I've learned this through his mother of all people. I didn't tell her that I have the same issue with him. I've never accused him of seeing someone else, but I have wondered why he's just not interested in sex.
I've tried to talk to him about him being more open, but nothing has changed. We've even gone to therapy, but he always have a reason not to like the therapist. I know he's hiding something and to be honest I'm not sure If I want find out. He is a homophobe. I had gay friends who my husband despised for no apparent reason. Even to the point where he said he was leaving when I invited my friends over for a party. My husband blew up, started to yell at me and told me that he will not have gay men in his house.
I understand that just by viewing the porn that doesn't make him gay or bi, but what is he hiding? To me the porn thing is just another issue to highlight our inability to communicate and his unwillingness to do anything about it. I think I've been blind for the past 5 years of knowing him. Whether he's gay or bi or just curious, I'm not sure I trust him. There are just way too many secrets. Starting to check out and leave already, wondering if I should just take the plunge.