“Did I Push My Spouse Into an Affair?”

We often receive questions like this:

“Do all the faithful spouses play a part? I don’t think that we do. I think that’s a cop out/excuse for the cheater, and it makes the faithful spouse feel worse.”

No. The faithful spouse does not always play a part in why the affair happened.

Why Do People Start Affairs?

It’s hard to definitively know why someone enters into an affair because there are so many different reasons. Some affairs start because of “attachment” issues that stemmed back from childhood. Some start because of “limerence addicts”. Some start because of wrong place wrong time. Some start because a spouse is unhappy in the marriage. 

We know that no marriage is perfect. Anyone involved in an affair can take tidbits of the truth about issues in their marriage and use those to justify the affair. Typically though most people whose spouses are in an affair will willingly say that they know that some of their actions might have laid a foundation for the affair to occur. 

Whose Fault is the Affair?

Is it the faithful spouse’s fault that the other is involved in an affair? No. Never your fault. 

Are there things you could have done better in the marriage? Probably, because every marriage has room for improvement. 

Were there some things that could have been done to prevent the affair? Maybe. But you can’t know for sure. 

In the end, it doesn’t matter because you can’t change the past. You can use it as a tool to see what you can do better for the future…whether personally or in regards to how to interact with your spouse better during this time.

“But Why Do I Have to Do All the Work?”

At this point, you are probably thinking, “Okay. I understand that. But:

“Okay, I understand that. But why does a standing spouse have to be a “safe place” for the cheating spouse? Isn’t this pretty much saying, “It’s okay. You’re hurting. I’ll make it okay,” even though the faithful spouse is hurting, probably way more than the unfaithful spouse? Like saying “You can hurt me, have your cake, and I’ll be here to catch you when you fall?”

Actually, it’s quite the opposite of this if done correctly.

What To Do and What Not To Do

Here’s the situation: If my spouse is having an affair, and I yell at him, scream at him, cry at him, tell him how terrible he is to do all those things to me, is it really going to put my husband in his right mind? In life, when has becoming defensive and attacking someone else ever led to them changing their mind and seeing your side? Rarely, if ever.

Now, instead, what we ask you to do is the manifestation of true love. If you are a Christian, it is exactly what Jesus does for us. Even though your spouse is doing one of the worst things imaginable, being the kind of person that will stand up for yourself and calmly and confidently express your feelings and also being a safe place when your spouse is around is the manifestation of true love. It is what will ultimately bring your spouse back and not in to the arms of another. 

Is it hard? YES. Is it fair? NO. Is it doable? YES. It is doable.

Training for the Marriage Marathon

You quite literally have to save the marriage like you are training for a marathon. It takes work. It takes dedication. It takes changing your lifestyle and doing things that you don’t want to do – but in the end it will be what makes or breaks your efforts. 

Does that mean we approve of the wayward spouses actions? Absolutely not. But there is a difference in not approving of a person’s actions yet still having unconditional love. Yet again…a great example is how Christ treats us.

You can learn how to stand up for yourself AND save your marriage at the same time. We can teach you how in our 10 week Save My Marriage course.

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Enter as a person standing for your marriage. Emerge as a warrior saving your marriage.

7 thoughts on “Can You Push Your Spouse to Have an Affair?

  • January 15, 2016 at 7:22 pm

    I have been experiencing my husband having a relationship with someone for almost 3 years I have not handled well but what to keep trying but I need help. What should I do first?

    • January 21, 2016 at 9:36 pm

      The first thing to do is to learn how to stay calm. If you push or snoop or react in anger (which is all normal human reaction) it will likely push your spouse further away. We have other articles on our site about this as well.

  • January 16, 2016 at 1:23 am

    I’ve been married for 22 years. In those years my husband had several affairs. The first one I handled it all wrong. The yelling screaming. I honestly have to say I truly tried to do things differently and for a while he was changed, then the patterns come back around. Some people are empty and look for things to complete them. In my husband case it was money and attention from women. He has filed for divorce and I’m free to live the second half of my life happy. So if your going through your storm, allow God to show you and most of all lead you.

  • March 3, 2016 at 3:02 am

    I had suspected that my husband was having an affair, but he stayed so angry, i couldn’t discuss it with him. For months i walked around with a feeling something just wasn’t right. I hurt so bad, i asked GOD to show me a sign that i was either right or wrong. On Feb. 13 2016, my husband suffered an Aortic Abdominal Aneuryism. Instead of worrying about his condition, I was concerned about his phone. While he was in the ambulance, i got in his pocket and got his phone. On that day, i discovered the whole truth. It wasn’t a physical affair, it was a sexting affair. they had been communicating since July of 2015. The things they were saying to each other, made my heart melt. While i had the phone, she wrote ” baby are you there”, they had been sexting each other that morning. I replied with not so nice words. I wasn’t going to go to the hospital, but they called and said, i needed to come because he was in critical condition. Had he died on that day, the only memory i would have had was him telling her that he loved her, and she telling him she loved him. He hadn’t told me he loved me in a long time. Things seem to be improving, he’s come back into my bed, We haven’t slept together in years, so i think that there maybe have been going on for years with other women, but i have no proof. I have found out he watches porn. We have been together for 23 yrs, H e told me, he’s not viewing porn, but i’ve been snooping behind his back. He seems to be genuine when he says that he don’t want to lose me and he wants to make this marriage work. I want to tell him that i know he’s watching porn again, but i don’t want to rock the boat and i’m scared it might lead him back to cheating. The surgery has rendered him impotent, which i should be glad about, but then that means he and i can’t be intimate. As long as he’s impotent, i know he can’t do anything with anyone else. At a loss, don’t know what to do or think.

  • February 23, 2017 at 8:40 pm

    I was the wayward spouse in 2015. We have been married for 16 yrs with 13 and 9 years old daughters. One day I suddenly stopped my adultery and I have been working hard on me and on my contact with her. We are seperated for 10 months. In the beginning it was a war she was very mean and I took it with little resistance or fight. Now we are more civil we even go out to lunch and went to amusement parks as a family since December 2016 but when I speak about coming back she is firm that she doesn’t love me anymore. I’m somewhat confused as she goes places with me we have been kissing couple of times but still she pushes for divorce, she filled divorce back in January 2016 but for some reason it was denied by the court I didn’t move a finger for that. After almost a year on making outstanding changes to the point she said she is comfortable around me then why she wants to continue with the divorce? What can I Do o what is the proper approach?

    I have cutted ties with her since 1/20/17even block her in my phn as I can’t take it anymore. Please advise

    • February 27, 2017 at 6:18 pm

      I would STRONGLY encourage you both to come to our 911 Workshop.. If that is an option please look into our Save My Marriage Course.. It’s an online course devoted to the standing spouse in the marriage..


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