written by Dr. Joe Beam, on the Save My Marriage Facebook Group. Click here to join!

When we at first called it No Contact, we didn’t anticipate how people would hear those words over the other things we said about the principle. Allow me to explain:

First, we teach principles. You have to decide how to apply it to your situation. Every person and every situation is different in some ways from others. Yes, many things are very similar. It’s the small differences that require you to use wisdom as you apply the principles.

Let me change No Contact to Smart Contact.

What does that mean?

Anything you do that appears to the other person as manipulating, whining, begging, pleading, etc. very likely will result in their moving away from you even faster. There are those out there who say that you should send your spouse a note, email, or call every day to keep them aware that you are there, etc. We hear regularly from people who used that approach that it only drove the other person away if s/he already wants away from you and is/has vilified you to justify departing.

If the wayward spouse has any kind of “business” with you, it makes sense to be in contact but still NOT in ways that appear to be doing the things mentioned above. “Business” might mean kids together, talking about bills, or, in some cases, actually being in real business together.

For example, if you have children together, it makes sense to contact the wayward spouse to share information, ask opinions, and more. However, if when you talk about the kids you regularly start into something such as “the kids cry about you every night,” s/he very likely will start avoiding your calls or finding ways to end them quickly.

Is there ever a time to tell a wayward spouse that the kids are hurting? Yes. But that is better done when EACH of you is engaging the other in a genuinely open conversation. In other words, when the defenses are not up.

Continuing to contact the other just to say hello, or to send a message that you miss him/her might in some cases be a good thing. For example, if s/he is alone and hurting and hasn’t told you to leave him/her alone. Even then, I would suggest caution and not to do it too often. If it comes across as begging or whining or makes it appear that you can’t live without him/her, it usually backfires.

Why don’t you want to give the message that you can’t live without the wayward spouse? Or that you think about him/her all the time? It’s because it implies that you will be there no matter what s/he does. Why is that a potentially bad thing? Because it communicates that s/he can do anything without consequences. S/he has no reason to act differently. I’ve actually heard some straying spouses say things such as, “My husband/wife will be there if I ever want to go back. Because I know that, I’ll keep exploring whether this new person / lifestyle / whatever is what I really want. If I discover it isn’t, s/he’ll take me back. Therefore, I don’t need to change anything.”

This is more of an art than a science. I can’t give you specific things and say if this list happens make some contact, if this list happens make no contact, etc. As already stated, it is a principle that you have to figure how to apply to your situation.

What do you do if your spouse contacts you?

Whether it’s about business or just to chat, listen. If s/he provides any openings to true emotions, gently speak to them. Still you do not do anything that makes him/her regret opening up – even if it was only minor. Think in terms of being the understanding friend rather than the fighter looking for an opening. I have witnessed on many occasions that a straying spouse eventually found his/her way back home because the spouse s/he left became first a friend and finally a best friend.

If you wayward spouse left you because s/he felt controlled by you, all this becomes even more important. [There is a lot more to say about whether you actually were controlling or if that is a manipulation on the departing spouse’s part, but that is more than I can mention here. If you wish to receive an eBook on control, email AskJoe@MarriageHelper.com]

4 thoughts on “No Contact Vs. Smart Contact

  • January 4, 2017 at 11:23 pm

    My spouse and I are married he not been home go a year now when he left is was to go work out of state found out I’m may 2016 he was seeing another woman out of the country even bade trips to see her several times then seen pics on Facebook of my husband with woman her in a wedding dress we are still married during the times he left there was limited communication till July then it almost stop help me I don’t know what to do

    • January 16, 2017 at 8:28 pm

      I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.. Do you have communication with your husband?? Is he aware that you know all of this?

  • May 22, 2017 at 7:13 pm

    I have just had a conversation with my cheating wife regarding choices and it didn’t go too well. We see each other regularly due to us having children together but after this conversation she implied that she shouldn’t come around any more as it is no good for me to hold out any hope. I just can’t move on I love her so much I’m in so much pain, they have been together since November 2016 and he has now moved in to the family home and has basically replaced me totally.
    He is a co-worker and they are constantly with each other night and day I want to save my marriage and was up until tonight giving her her space and concentrating on getting myself better doing my PIES. I feel I have set myself back months can I recover from this mistake and if so what’s my best move going forwards..

    Please give me some reassurance and guidance as I dearly want to win her back for not only me but for our two boys.

    I live in hope Mark..

  • August 22, 2017 at 2:47 pm

    I want to commend the folks at marriage helper for all of the good information on how to save marriages. I would like to make a suggestion to you regarding your FB adds; please make them more inclusive. There are brown people, black people, and other ethnic groups who are vested in saving their marriage but are not reflected in the adds that are posted. Your adds are only reflective of white couples and that is not reflective of the differences on the FB site. This is a suggestion and I hope that it is given consideration. Thank you.


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