He began to weep. Not simply moist eyes or mild tears; he openly sobbed. When I asked what I said that had hurt him so badly, he replied, “I just realized I’m not a fool.”

“What do you mean?”

“All my family and every one of my friends scolded me for staying with her and trying to fix the marriage. They tell me I’m a fool. She cheated. With my best friend, she cheated. Lied, sneaked around, treated me like dirt.

“I wondered if I’m a fool to come to this marriage intensive, but in the last few minutes I realized I’m not a fool.”

Again, I asked, “What do you mean?”

“As you explained various reasons to be committed to a marriage, I realized that I have some very important reasons to make this work. Strong reasons. I’m not a fool.”

That was over a decade ago. They made it work and are happily married today.

So what was it that made him realize he was not a fool to try to save his marriage?

Michael Johnson on Commitment

The commitment section of our marriage intensive that the young man reacted to is based on research by Michael P. Johnson, PhD, from Penn State. Years ago, I read one of his scholarly articles and contacted him to ask his permission to use it as I worked with marriages. Since then, I read everything I can find that he writes on commitment. Though several approaches to commitment exist in the social science world, I like Mike’s best.

Johnson describes commitment as doing whatever it takes to keep a relationship alive.

He believes that commitment falls into three major categories; personal, moral, and structural. He explains those three mean “I want to,” or “I ought to,” or “I have to” stay in this relationship. Under those, he lists ten dimensions, each of which may keep a person committed to a relationship.

I like to think of each of the ten as a lifesaving rope. My friend Jeff King owns a company that changes light bulbs on towers. When he is personally on a tower and bad weather pops up, he says that he ties himself off with every harness available to keep from being blown to his death. These commitment ropes do the same for a relationship. Sometimes storms come that may separate us from the relationship we have. When that happens, every rope is a lifeline that may keep the relationship alive.

The young man mentioned at the beginning of this article realized he had several strong ropes that could and should keep his marriage alive, and that each had tremendous value in his life.

Think about which are important to you.

PERSONAL COMMITMENT— “I Want to Be in This Relationship”

Personal commitment is when one wants to continue a relationship. That desire may come from one or more of these areas:

  • The person feels a positive attitude toward the relationship; he enjoys or feels good about the relationship.
  • The person feels a positive attitude about the partner; she feels love, affection, or affinity with the partner.
  • The person feels a relational identity with the partner. Relational identity is the extent to which one’s involvement in a relationship is incorporated into one’s self-concept. It is when a person thinks more of “we” than “I”, and feels a part of a team or closely bonded with the other.

MORAL COMMITMENT—“I Ought to Stay in This Relationship”

Moral commitment involves a sense of self-constraint. It is doing what one feels is right, which may or may not be what one wants to do at the moment. It is the internal value system of the person, not an external value system that may be placed on him by the society in which he operates.

Moral commitment is the feeling that one ought to continue a relationship. This sense of obligation may come from one or more of these areas:

  • The person believes in the value of consistency. That is the inherent human desire to continue a task or effort until it is completed. For example, if one makes a vow to be married until “death do you part,” that person may have a strong sense of personal obligation to fulfill that vow.
  • The person values the stability of the particular type of relationship she has. The more important the relationship is viewed by a person, the stronger she feels she ought to stay in it. Therefore, a person who values marriage will find it much more difficult to end a marriage than other relationships.
  • The person feels a partner-specific obligation. Partner-specific obligation involves a sense of obligation to the particular person with whom one is involved in a relationship. The moral constraint is a sense of personal contractual obligation. If a husband, for example, worries that his wife and children may not do well financially or emotionally if he leaves them, that sense of obligation will lead him to stay even if he wishes to leave the relationship.

STRUCTURAL COMMITMENT—“I Have to Stay in This Relationship”

Structural commitment is the feeling that one must continue a relationship, but not because of her own internal values. The factors are external and most often considered constraining. This type commitment may come from one or more of these areas:

  • The person has made irretrievable investments into the relationship. Those are those things that a person has given to the relationship that will be lost if the relationship were to end—things like time, energy, and other resources. If the investment is considerable enough and the person feels there may be a chance of receiving the return he wanted from the relationship, the person feels he has to stay until the investment is recovered. For example, if he dropped out of college to work so that his wife could finish medical school and become a world-famous surgeon, he may feel he has to stay married to her to get his share of the monetary and social status he earned by supporting her.
  • The person is concerned about the social reaction of ending the relationship. Social reaction is a consideration of the feelings that a person’s social group will likely have about the morality of the dissolution of the relationship. If she feels her family, church, or friends will diminish their relationship with her if she divorces, she may choose to stay married.
  • The person faces difficulty in ending the relationship. Definitive endings of committed relationships usually require some form of action. The more complex and serious the relationship, the more complex and costly the effort to end it. If he lacks the emotional strength, the financial resources, or a viable course of action, he likely will not go through the pain of ending the relationship.
  • The person fears there may not be a viable alternative. Availability of acceptable alternatives means the availability of “replacements” for the current relationship. That is more than the consideration of a new person to replace the old. It also includes such considerations as the likely economic situation that will exist at the end of the current relationship, the likely impact on the structure of the person’s social life, and so on.

Though one might think that the structural commitments (the “have to” dimensions) are not good reasons to stay in a relationship, they very much are. They may hold a couple together long enough to repair the relationship and make it good again.

If the personal commitment “I want to” is strong enough, the “ought to” and “have to” areas are relatively unimportant. However, during those times when the “I want to” is lacking, these other areas are crucial to a maintenance of the relationship.

The young man mentioned at the beginning of this article found that there were several dimensions in both the “ought to” and “have to” areas that had great value to him. He saw, for example, that because of his “partner-specific” obligation to his children, it would be worth saving the marriage so that his children would live with both Mom and Dad.

If you are contemplating ending a committed relationship such as a marriage, it could be very important for your future to consider all the reasons to make this relationship work. From Michael Johnson’s work, I developed a survey that you may use to investigate what areas are important to you in either the “want to,” “ought to,” or “have to.” Before walking away, be willing honestly to evaluate all those.

If you wish to have an analysis of what your scores mean to you, click here. It may change your future for good.

If your marriage is in danger of separation or divorce, call us at (866) 903-0990 to speak with someone or use the form below to request more information about our Marriage Helper workshop for troubled marriages. We can help you save your marriage even in cases of infidelity, loss of trust, anger, sexual problems, and other issues. (If you’re thinking your spouse would never come, contact us by phone or the form below and we’ll tell you what others who felt the same way did to get their spouses there.) We will keep everything you tell us completely confidential. Our motivation is to help you determine if this workshop is right for you and your particular situation. We also offer solutions for couples who can’t attend the workshop.


10 thoughts on “10 Reasons To Stay Married

  • December 29, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    Great article!

  • April 2, 2015 at 7:53 pm

    This article does not even begin to address my problem. Is it right for a husband to stay married to a woman who is in active addition as well as having severe symptoms of paranoia, OCD and depression, does not even want to be touched intimately and does NOT want help for any of these issues ? Am I supposed to remain unhappy, codependent an an enabler the rest of her life ? Doesn’t she have a responsibility to want help ? I regularly see a shrink and a therapist and they say get out.

    • June 9, 2015 at 3:15 pm

      I understand your pain. There is little that can be said for those who have to live outside of the bell curve.

      if you do believe in God, scream into your pillow and do not hold back for as long as you need. he is a big boy.

      if you do not believe in God, talk to him anyway. nothing else is work so far. what do we got to lose?

    • January 28, 2016 at 8:02 pm

      Gerry, I feel your pain! My wife also seems to exhibit many of the same characteristics and in addition has even stated that she “only married me for a baby (which we were not able to conceive in the brief 2-weeks after our marriage). Members of her church and family have indicated that she married me to get a Green-Card. She has accused me of abuse both privately and legally and though nothing has become of it, she still remains silent, angry, hostile and adament that “nothing will ever bring her back to our marriage because she does not love me – not friends, not family, not pastors, not even God”. Nearly everyone I know tells me that I should divorce her and move on. You and I are trapped by what we know in God (that we are to love even when it hurts and that divorce is wrong). Our counselors and psychologists, psychiatrists and more all say that if we simply let go and focus on ourselves we will find happiness and joy again, yet in my mind I ask the question, “Isn’t that where I was before I got married? I wasn’t happy then either!” I know that standing is what Jesus would do. It is hard, and unfortunately there is little to no support for men who actually are committed to their marriage and their spouse/family. Fortunately, I believe this article and other stories I’ve heard, illustrate that MH wants to help. I don’t know if they can ever help with my marriage, as it does require my wife having a desire to come back into it as well. But I do know that if she does come back, even partially, what I’ve seen from them may give me resources to build from there. It’s been 2.5 years of standing for me so far. Many days I want to give up and do like everyone says… but at night, when I take that moment to talk to God, it’s tears that flow as I admit to Him, I did and do and always will love her… I need His help to bring her home.

  • April 10, 2015 at 4:52 am

    Wow, what a great article, and all the reason’s mentioned were never valued by my husband despite my pointing out of what he has to do and what we have to do, what the problems and where the problem is he still choose to be with his mistress and get divorced. Despite swearing that he loves his daughter, he still choose divorce. Its been a year now, and I just accepted to take his route, to divorce to spare me more heartache and sleepless nights.

  • July 17, 2015 at 2:27 am

    I just sat in on your free webinar tonight, where Joe gave the above points in talk-form. I also heard pointers to a WHACKLOAD of interesting, helpful, creative, and smart tools and supports, available through these guys, to any marriage/relationship-strugglers in a variety of situations or positions…from the “bored, I want out” to “this is dangerous” with a number of scenarios in between.

    I want to encourage anyone reading this to listen in to one of their free webinars (I’m guessing they will keep offering them?) . They’ve helped thousands of couples, and, even if you’re in a relationship that the other person has entirely quit on, there are still some really creative and smart things you can do (listen in to find out!) to greatly increase the possibility of things turning around.

    I’ve been in my marriage for 24 years now. At least 3 times the pressures were SO GREAT to leave…it honestly seemed like the only sane thing to do.

    But REMAINING IN or FIGHTING FOR or WAITING TO find the way, even when no way appears possible…even when it hurts like hell…or worse…

    I tell you…we BOTH would tell you…THE REWARDS of FINDING THAT WAY, and WAITING FOR that way, and PERSEVERING til things turn around again (and they will, they will…) those rewards…and conversely, the things you / we lose….by not fighting, not standing, not waiting, not investing…things you won’t realize til later in life…both on the loss and the gain side…

    Please, don’t miss this…life is too hard to do it alone later…and we need one another…far more than we perhaps realize…

    And, we need to finish life with the one we have fought with and stood with and grown with, and a whole lot more.

    Don’t miss this.

    Do EVERYTHING you can to REMAIN IN and see TURNED AROUND your marriage/relationship…The work can be VERY PAINFUL — and how I know it — but the best things in life come only through ALOT of sweat and sometimes pain, too.

    You can do this.
    Together, find the way.
    You’re both (and your kids if you have them) worth this, and more.


  • July 22, 2015 at 3:04 am

    I am on the other side. I am the one that wants to leave & wants the divorce. All we do is argue. She wants to overcommunicate constantly. To the point that she puts my life and others lives in danger. She refuses to get help for bipolar disorder & says that there is nothing wrong. Our house is in turmoil all the time. All the don’ts from this website she does. I think the article is good, but when it comes down to it those 3 values mean nothing when hate is involved. Hate to the point of having dreams of doing really bad things to her. That is why I want out. The one sin of divorce is much better than the way we live.

    • July 22, 2015 at 4:05 pm

      Ralph, I understand that there is a lot of hurt and pain right now. It is important to encourage your spouse to seek help for any mental illnesses, but don’t focus on all the things your spouse is doing wrong from what you are reading on our website. Try not to focus on your spouse right now at all. There is still a lot of hope that getting your spouse to seek marriage help with you can help her realize what she needs to change – but you dwelling on what your spouse needs to change is not going to change your spouse.

  • August 21, 2015 at 3:16 pm

    We have been married 32 years, and I had some issues with my wife for a few years that I couldn’t take anymore. I told her I would file for divorce, unfortunately I also had an emotional affair for 2 weeks with no physical contact, in fact we didn’t even meet, she was an old acquaintance from school. After a short separation my wife came home. We are trying to stay together but my wife is fixated on the affair even having a company send her all my texts from the affair, that’s all my wife talks about. Our therapist tells her to get past it but she won’t, I love her and want to stay with her.

  • September 25, 2018 at 1:15 pm

    Well the married life is the very best of all since you have that special person to share your life with, especially if your both very loving, caring, committed, and very honest with one another which would really make the marriage work altogether. Married people have all the advantages in the world which single people always have so many disadvantages unfortunately. When your single for example which it can be very unhealthy and very depressing, especially if all your friends are settled down with their life. Married people are always together when they go on trips, to parties, family gatherings, eating out in restaurants together, and the list goes on. And when your single, it really sucks being all alone wherever you go. Well i would certainly say the married life is the real way to go these days instead of being single and all alone. Makes sense doesn’t it? The real problem though is trying to meet a real good woman to connect with for many of us good men that really hate being single today, and that is the most difficult part of all unfortunately.


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