The Seven Ways to Save Your Marriage
With Kimberly Holmes
(0:00) At one time you were in love with your spouse, and your spouse was in love with you. But right now, you might be so confused because all of a sudden, your spouse is no longer in love with you. They want out. They are disconnected, they’re disengaged, they might even be gone. And you’re thinking, “Is it really possible? Can I really get my spouse to come back? And how? How can I get someone to come back who doesn’t want to be here? How can I get someone to fall in love with me who doesn’t love me anymore? Is it possible?” And the answer is yes, it is possible.
Over the past 20 years, the Marriage Helper courses, seminars, and trainings have reached over 250,000 people. And we have seen marriage after marriage saved. Our workshops for marriages in crisis have a 77% success rate. So, we know how to save marriages.
And, we believe that any marriage can be saved, and we believe that any person can be rescued. It’s all about knowing what to do and knowing what not to do.
(1:20) In this segment, I am going to you the seven things you need to know to do and not to do in order to save your marriage and bring your spouse back, even if right now, they completely want out.
Here’s the thing, this stuff really does work, we’ve seen it work with thousands and thousands of people. But it’s not a guarantee. I’m not going be one of those people who says, “Buy this $47 program and I guarantee your spouse is gonna come running back after you.” It’s not like that. We’re going to teach you these things for you to learn, for you to implement.
This isn’t comprehensive but this is absolutely enough to get you started, to get you going, and to get you on the right track, today.
Number One: Don’t Give Up
(2:14) When your spouse wants out and you feel like there’s no hope for your marriage, it can be easy to want to give up. You can look at a friend’s marriage, or your parent’s marriage, and see how all of them ended in divorce, “So why should mine be any different? Maybe I should just settle for the fact that my marriage is doomed, it’s over and there’s nothing I can do.”
It can be so easy to give up, especially when you have friends, counselors, therapists, even pastors who might be telling you that there’s no hope for your marriage and it’s over.
Here’s the thing. They don’t know what we know at Marriage Helper, which is: your marriage can be saved. You don’t have to give up, especially not before giving it your all, giving it the last fighting chance. We believe that there can be hope for your marriage, so don’t give up.
Number Two: Don’t Overreact Emotionally
(3:17) When you’re in a situation where your spouse wants out, a very natural reaction we have as humans is to try and get our spouse to stay. If someone we love is about to leave us, our natural reaction is to cling, to do everything we can to try and convince them to stay, to not let them go out the door, figuratively or literally. And that’s something we have in us as children. Children often react this way when they are starting to realize what separation is from their mom or dad and how to interact with that.
While it works as kids and it’s a way ingrained in us to try and make sure that we feel safe…it doesn’t work as adults. When we start to cling, when we start to beg, when we start to plead, it can actually push the person away further.
Number Three: Don’t Be a Doormat
(4:13) You also don’t want to let your spouse call all the shots, right now. Don’t just concede to everything your spouse says because you’re scared of them getting mad. Even if they already want out, and you just want to make them happy so that maybe they’ll end up coming back, remember that this is not the way to bring them back.
Be sure that you are being strong for yourself.
Don’t just become a doormat where you do everything your spouse says to do even if you don’t agree with it. If they’re wanting you to do something, maybe financially, or anything that you don’t feel comfortable with, you don’t have to do it.
There’s a way you can stand your ground without coming across as mean or rude. We call it being strong, and calm, and gentle. We talk about these principles in many of our other YouTube videos so be sure to subscribe, and look through our playlists where we have so much more information on exactly how you can implement those things.
Number Four: Find a Support System
(5:17) When you’re in this situation, it can feel very lonely. Perhaps there’s no one to turn to because the people turned to said you’re crazy for wanting to stay in a situation like this. Or maybe the people you talked to about it have been really judgmental, or maybe you’re just embarrassed. All of that is completely understandable.
It’s so important in this time for you to find a strong support system. At Marriage Helper if you call us and talk to us we can guide you to some of our support groups we personally run and have on Facebook. They are private and closed and you can join and be a part of them. We would love to provide that support for you because it is so crucial during this time.
Number Five: Work on Yourself
(6:08) Your spouse “wants out.” Maybe it’s an affair, maybe they’re just not happy anymore, maybe there’s been just a lot of negative things that have happened in your marriage, a lot of fights or things left unresolved that ended up pushing them out the door. Whatever that might be, this is great time for you to take advantage of working on you.
Working on you:
At Marriage Helper, we call it the P.I.E.S. I go much more in depth on the P.I.E.S. in some of the other videos we have on our YouTube channel, so be sure to check those out. The videos will guide you through working on yourself to become the most attractive you can be during this time.
Being the “Better”
At Marriage Helper we have a saying: “People don’t leave what they have, unless they believe what they’re going to is better.” Now that’s not to say that that’s necessarily true, it could be that your spouse is going to be alone. Maybe they’re not going to another person. But the principle is, there’s something that’s drawing them away. And it might not be something that you have done, but you do get the opportunity to become the “better.” Ultimately, you want to be a “better” person when your spouse wants to finally come back home. Then, they will want to leave whatever they have “out there” and come back to you- because you are the “better!”
Number Six: Find Freedom Through Forgiveness
(7:46) You may not feel like forgiving, and I completely understand. There are probably things your spouse has said or done that hurt you immensely during this time. But if you continue to hold grudges or continue to let these things harbor anger within you, then it’s going to change…
- the way you feel about your marriage
- the way you feel about your spouse a
- the way you interact with your spouse (which could ultimately end up pushing them away)
Forgiveness is not an Approval of Actions
Forgive for you. You’re not forgiving because you’re saying that you’re in agreement or you approve of anything that your spouse is doing, but forgive because it frees you.
Number Seven: Create a Better Environment
(8:34) Lastly, you want to stop doing things that are destroying love in your marriage during this time, if you’ve been doing any of them.
- If you’ve been controlling in the past
- If you’ve been someone who just constantly nags
- If you’ve been someone who tells your spouse they need to change something about themselves before you’ll love them (whether you actually said that in your words or just in your actions)
These actions don’t harbor love. That is, it’s not an environment where love can grow and foster.
So during this time, as you’re working on yourself (and not overwhelming your spouse by begging or pleading or anything like that) you’re working on becoming a better spouse. Work on becoming a better wife, work on becoming a better husband, right now. Because then, when your spouse does come back, it makes the process of putting your marriage back together so much easier. I cannot emphasize this enough.
You absolutely can learn to fall in love again, it’s absolutely possible.
We’ve seen marriages in situations that have been at the end, where everyone believed they would (or should) divorce, that they weren’t meant to be together, or however else, we’ve seen those marriages saved. But it’s a process- and the seven things I’ve shared with you are the first part of that process. You don’t need to be worrying about how you’re going to reconcile right now or anything like that.
The first thing, and really the only thing that you need to be focusing on right now, is what you can do to soften you. To soften your situation, to soften your outlook on your marriage, to strengthen your resolve, and to work on yourself. Then, when your spouse starts coming back around, then we’ll go to that next step. We’ll start talking about, “How do you reconcile? How do you do that part?” But that’s not where you are right now.
Focus on where you are now, get the work done that you need to get done in you and your interactions, and in forgiving your spouse and being able to move forward.
This is just a brief overview of what you can do. If you want to know more about our resources, you can contact us at marriagehelper.com, you can read more of our articles, or more of the resources that we have there for free. Or you can call us at 866-903-0990 and we’d love to tell you more about our workshop that has a 77% success rate at saving marriages, or our marriage coaching. No matter what your situation is, we believe there’s hope for you and we believe that we can help.