There’s no “Sign” that a Marriage is Over
With Kimberly Holmes
(0:00) Contrary to popular belief, there’s no sign that a marriage is over. There are “signs” that your marriage is in trouble and that it should probably be looked into or fixed, but there’s no sign that the marriage is over and absolutely can’t be saved. Huh? How can I say this? “But what if my husband has had an affair multiple times? What if my wife has left and she’s not coming back; she won’t even talk to me? What if we just have two completely different personalities and we married the wrong people?” or what if “fill-in-the-blank.”
Whatever it might be, there are signs that your marriage might be in trouble. But at Marriage Helper, we believe that any marriage can be saved no matter what the current situation is; no matter what happened in the past. A lot of times when people are looking for signs that their marriage is over, they walk away feeling more discouraged.
While they’re looking to see if their marriage is falling into this pattern or this outcome that they don’t want, they can easily lose hope. They’re fearful because they don’t want their marriage to be over, but then they read an article, or they hear a podcast, and every single thing applies to their marriage. Again, it’s easy to give up hope. But, at Marriage Helper, we believe any marriage can be saved. And, we believe any person can be rescued.
For just a second, I want you to take whatever preconceived notions you have about your situation or about your marriage (and how absolutely hopeless it might feel) and for just a couple of minutes I want you to think like there’s HOPE. Believe that there could be hope for your marriage as I walk you through these THREE things to consider if you’re thinking your marriage might be over.
If you’re wanting more specific information about what your exact situation is- whether there’s been affairs, or addictions, or personality differences, communication problems- whatever it is, go ahead and like and subscribe to our Marriage Helper channel, on YouTube, where you’ll find playlists and categories of tons of other information that can help you with your specific situation.
Here’s question number one: Is your spouse a good person?
(2:24) Maybe if your spouse is in the middle of doing something that is bad right now, maybe they’re in the middle of an affair, or in the middle of a gambling addiction, or whatever it might be… Ask yourself, “Is my spouse a good person who’s currently doing a bad thing?” At the core of who they are, are they a good person? Because if your spouse is a good person, then they deserve to be rescued and your marriage has a shot at making it work.
Of the thousands of couples that we’ve worked with here at Marriage Helper (and we’ve helped the worst of situations) the craziest of situations can result in a saved marriage. Also, we’ve seen that 99% of people are good people. They really are. They’ve just lost their way, or life has taken them in a place where they didn’t want to go, and they wish that they weren’t there now, but they need help being rescued in coming back to it. That’s question one, is your spouse a good person?
Question two: What have you tried so far to try and make your marriage work?
(3:30) When people first encounter that resistance with their marriage, when problems start to arise, and especially if they continue to happen year after year (maybe even decade after decade) many people begin to say, “You know what? We just weren’t meant to be.” A lot of times, people don’t really try anything. There’s also this belief in society that we should just “marry the right person,” and when we marry the right person, things easily fall into place.
That’s not the reality, but since that’s what society seems to be teaching us, it seems that when we first run into that resistance we think, “Well, made the wrong decision. We just need to cut our losses, start over in a relationship that’s going to be better for us, and that’s going to be the solution to our problems.” Unfortunately, that isn’t what ends up happening. Even if you do divorce now, you’re going to have problems with the next person, because every marriage has problems. No marriage is perfect because marriage is composed of two people who are flawed. There’s no perfect marriage, but you can learn how to make your current marriage fulfilling, satisfying, that “soulmate love” that people talk about that you have been looking for.
I want to encourage you to try something…Maybe you’re thinking, “Well, we have tried stuff. We’ve been to counselors, therapists, weekend retreats, whatever it might be, and nothing has worked.” Well, I want to encourage you that many people have gone to counselors or weekend retreats that really just hit surface level issues and never got down to the core issue of what’s going on.
If you feel like you haven’t had a great experience with counselors, or with retreats, or whatever that might be, I want to encourage you to find a place, either a counselor, or a workshop, or something like that that’s going to get to the core of your issues and not just that surface level stuff that’s easier to deal with. Really try. Make sure that you have tried everything that you can before you decide to give up on the marriage.
Question 3: Have you thought about how divorce will affect your future?
(5:55) Now, I’m not saying that you should stay married because you fear divorce. That’s not the kind of marriage I want you to have, and I’m sure that’s not the kind of marriage you want to have either. But, I am asking, “Have you thought of all of the ways that divorce will affect you, your finances (and possibly, your family’s finances), your family and friends, your children, and even the way it’s going to affect you emotionally? Have you thought all those things through?”
We don’t want you making any rash decisions out of your current feelings. You’re not thinking about how your current feelings and actions are going to affect you in ten days, or ten weeks, ten months, even ten years. Be sure that you’re thinking all of these things through.
You may be saying, “Okay. Well, maybe I don’t want the divorce. Maybe it’s my husband or my wife who wants the divorce. Isn’t that a sign that the marriage is over?” The answer is no. Just because your spouse wants a divorce does not mean that your marriage is over. It absolutely doesn’t mean you should give up standing for your marriage.
In fact, at Marriage Helper this is our specialty! We love giving encouragement, advice, and tools to spouses who are standing for their marriage (even when their spouse is completely disengaged). We can help you. We can give you tools and resources. We can tell you more about our coaching and workshops that we have.
More than anything, I want you to know there’s hope for your marriage.
Let me ask you this question. What have you tried so far for your marriage? Comment below [on YouTube]. We would love to hear about what’s worked and what hasn’t worked for you. We’d also love for you to like and subscribe to our YouTube channel, and we would love to give you hope for your marriage and your situation. Visit us at MarriageHelper.com, or give our team a call at 866-903-0990, and we hope to help you save your marriage.
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