If Anything Works, This Will.

“You actually want to stay married to this guy?”

She didn’t hesitate a moment. Yes, she wanted to save her marriage. She and her husband were 40ish, married about twenty years, with a couple of children. One evening he told her he was in love with his assistant, that he already had a lawyer, and suggested she procure one for herself.

At least that last part was different. Often the abandoning spouse tries to convince the other that he will be nicer in the divorce – and they each could save a lot of money – if she would agree to let his lawyer handle everything. It’s a way to manipulate the outcome and many spouses fall for it, thinking that keeping him (or her) calm provides better opportunities to potentially salvage the marriage.

Not so.

Making the path to divorce easier may keep the abandoning spouse calmer, but keeping him or her calm shouldn’t be the goal. In my work with marriages over nearly twenty years, I’ve learned that rather than making divorce easier, anyone who wishes to salvage a marriage should make it harder. Much harder.

That’s what I told Sally.

“If you really want this marriage to work, I’ll guide you through a step-by-step process to save it. If anything works, this will. Understand me clearly, IF anything works, this will. I can’t guarantee success but it works more than 75% of the time.”

Before sharing with you the steps I guided Sally through, I’ll give you the good news; it worked. It wasn’t easy and didn’t happen overnight, but by doing the right things she created a climate that ultimately led to the saving of her marriage. Her husband abandoned his lover, returned home, and worked on falling in love with his wife again. That was nearly twenty years ago. They’re still together and still in love.

For the last dozen years I’ve been teaching the same principles to couples who come to my intensive workshop for marriages in crisis. I’ve seen it work with just about any situation you can imagine, not just adultery but also marriages plagued with anger problems, a controlling spouse, disrespect, disinterest, and more.

So what advice did I give? What works if anything will? Here is the short and simplified version. We provide a much more detailed and customized version in our workshop.

Accept the Person but Not the Actions

Never accept the sinful actions of another, but try to understand and accept what is behind the sin. What led the person to those actions? Was it pain? Feelings of neglect or disrespect? Even if you consider it imaginary, accept what your spouse sees has his/her reality and be very open to the possibility that you played a part in causing your spouse to feel the way he/she feels. That doesn’t make you the “bad guy” or the other person the “good guy.” It simply makes each of you human beings.

Be Ready to Forgive

I regularly see people who work hard to save their marriage and as soon as the spouse turns, the anger overwhelms the spouse trying to save the marriage. At that point he or she doesn’t want to forgive. I’m warning you, don’t try to save your marriage unless you intend to follow through by learning to forgive. That doesn’t make the hurt instantly go away; it makes it possible for it to go away. That also doesn’t mean that you aren’t entitled to know who, what, when and where but that is a delicate matter for each of you that we’ve found often needs a third party or at least a constructive plan.

Such a plan is outlined in my article, “How to Confess An Affair without Losing Your Spouse.” It’s written more for the straying spouse, but it will likely help you understand that this type of conversation needs the right mindset, environment and forethought (maybe even professional help).

There are steps that the other person will need to take in order for you to be able to do this to the level necessary to save your marriage long term. But in the short term, while your spouse still wants to leave, you need to find a way to forgive them using a broad stroke. If your spouse feels he/she is just going to be punished by coming back, it’s very unlikely to happen.

STRATEGIES

The next steps are about strategy. In some ways, they’ll act as your secret weapon in winning back your spouse. But you must be confident that they’ll work so that you’ll stick with them even if you feel the urge to do the things you shouldn’t. Like I said at the start of this article, if anything will work, this will.

Don’t Pursue

If you beg, whine, cling, or try to manipulate your mate into staying, you push them away faster.
Give the other person space to breathe. If you don’t leave them alone, you aren’t allowing him/her the opportunity to miss you. You probably need to take a step back in order to create a vacuum that the other person will see and feel. Don’t be rude or mean but don’t make them feel that they are all you’ve got. Make yourself scarce. That’s one of the keys to attraction and that leads us to the next step.

Do the PIES

Make yourself attractive physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Do it for you but it also will affect the other person.

I’m not telling you that you have to compete with your spouse’s lover. Simply attempt to be as attractive as you can at your stage in life. Get involved with a local gym, go for walks or bike rides, join a book club, and/or sign up for classes at church. Not only will those things help make you more attractive physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually, but they’ll give you things to do and new friends to enjoy to help you resist the urge to pursue or be clingy toward the straying spouse.

>>>WANT HELP IN CREATING A STEP-BY-STEP PLAN TO WORK ON YOUR PIES? CLICK HERE<<<

HAVE FUN

No seriously. If you mope around and sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, your spouse is not going to want to come back to you. Do you want to be around people who are constantly complaining, whining and negative? Do you feel attracted to those types of people? No you don’t.

Let your spouse see you having fun. By that I don’t mean that you go over the top or fake it. Go out with your friends (preferably of the same gender) and have a good time. Go see a comedy at the movie theater, go to the mall, go to concerts-just have fun. Even if your spouse is not there to see, it’s possible that he/she will hear about it. Or maybe they’ll call about something and you’re too busy having fun to talk (that’s a good thing because it shows them that you have a life and a world that doesn’t revolve around them). At the very least you’ll be making yourself a more fun and attractive person.

One final thing to keep in mind on this strategy step is that if you’re having fun, you’re probably doing the other things right too.

Do the Work

It isn’t easy to put a marriage back together, but the LovePath works. If you do the things mentioned above to stay on the path, you’ll likely pull your spouse back to walking the path with you.

It’s important to limit your panic. Do your best to stay cool, calm and collected so that you can focus on what you need to do to apply the strategies mentioned in this article. There are other strategies that I might be able to provide in future articles but because of their complexity, I don’t have the space or time at the moment.

If your marriage is in danger of separation or divorce, call us at (866) 903-0990 to speak with someone or use the form below to request more information about our Marriage Helper 911 workshop for troubled marriages. Our success rate over the last decade is saving three out of four marriages, even when adultery, porn, anger, or other things have deeply hurt the relationship! (If you’re thinking your spouse would never come, contact us by phone or the form below and we’ll tell you what others who felt the same way did to get their spouses there.) We will keep everything you tell us completely confidential. Our motivation is to help you determine if this workshop is right for your particular situation. We also offer solutions for couples who can’t attend the workshop.

If you and your spouse cannot attend a Marriage Helper 911 weekend or your spouse refuses to get any marriage help, there is still hope. Check out our Save My Marriage Course – where you’ll learn how to bring your spouse back to the marriage. Click the banner below to find out more about it.

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72 thoughts on “How to Win Back Your Husband or Wife

  • December 28, 2014 at 6:29 am
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    My spouse is back for a year now,everything seems to be normal, but sometimes when we pray before going to bed he will thank God, our family mentioning names including his lover as his wife also.this hurts me but i dont re act.

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    • April 7, 2017 at 1:50 am
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      HE PUT HIS MOTHER BEFORE US.GOD SAID THAT WHEN A MAN AND WOMAN BECOMES MARRIAGE WE ARE ONE.I PRAY EVER NIGHT AND DAY.FOR THIS MARRIAGE.I LOVE MY HUSBAND.CRY EVERY DAY FOR THIS MARRIAGE.I NEVER CHEAT ON HIM AT ALL.I BEEN FAITHFUL TO HIM.I BE ASKING HIM DO HE LOVE ME.HE TELL ME THAT HE LOVE ME.THAT HE IS NOT CHEAT ON ME AT ALL.BUT I NOW IT IS A GOD.I’M CONTINUE PRAY TO GOD.BLESS MY LORD JESUS AMEN.THANK YOU JESUS.FROM LORRAINE CARTER.

      Reply
  • January 1, 2015 at 9:47 pm
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    Do these strategies work even if he is very angry and threatens to “play hardball” if you do not let him handle everything in a divorce? He does not want me to get a lawyer and says he is not coming back and is moving on with his life.

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    • January 2, 2015 at 12:42 am
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      Yes, these strategies do still work. However, it could be that your husband believes that he can manipulate you into getting what he wants. It sounds like he may be trying to control the situation if he is demanding that he handle everything without you being able to have any input. We talk more about this in our Marriage Recovery online video series as well.

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      • January 2, 2015 at 3:08 am
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        Thank you, Kimberly. I do feel the manipulation, but am trying to stay focused. I did find the video series helpful.

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  • April 7, 2015 at 9:14 pm
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    My husband left me and our 6 month old daughter at the end of last month. I was and still am devesated. He said he fell out of love with me and that we were no good for each other since all we did was argue and fight. He then changed his story before he left saying he would come back for us after 2 weeks of working and saving up and move us all down to flordia to live so we could raise our daughter without my family’s meddling in our business. Well once he was down there I found this wasn’t true. He told me it was over and that he wanted to sign his rights away to our daughter and he wants to divorce. He claims he is very happy down there and I am happy for him. Turns out I found from one of his friends that he had no intention of coming back and he said that stuff so I wouldn’t over react and cause a scene. I miss him so terribly much..we’ve only been married since Septmeber 2014 and he’s about to turn 21 next month and I am 22. My family says it’s his age that caused this and that he’s scared. I’ve prayed to god every single night to be there for him and to help him grow up and understand what it is he’s doing. Meanwhile my heart..it’s not feeling broken like it first was..yes I’m sad and miss my husband terribly but it’s like my heart is full of hope..even after us bickering on the phone 2 days ago I still feel hope that things will get better and we can save our marriage. I’m asking for advice on what I should do..my family is no help..they think that I should ignore him and his mother and wait for him to contact me since he’s the one wanting a divorce but I’m not sure that’ll work except drive him away. Please someday help..my email address is alliemclachlan@yahoo.com

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  • April 27, 2015 at 9:56 am
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    What do u do when u have all this alone time and have nothing to do but miss her? How do I stick to these strategies?

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    • May 3, 2016 at 2:21 pm
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      I wish I knew! I’m in the same situation, ” giving her her space/alone time” which lasts several hours each day playing her favorite video game while doing housework & laundry. The she quietly goes upstairs without a word to read & watch TV. We just turned 60 the end of March & the beginning of April. I had this epiphany that gave me back a lot of my younger self that she wanted back…both the good & bad. I had to sift through this emotional wreckage of feelings, emotions & memories. This makes it double tough for us. But you have to stick to what actually works, no matter what. Sometimes the magic works, other times/days it doesn’t. I don’t have a lot of answers, but these are my brief thoughts.

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  • May 6, 2015 at 12:46 pm
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    How do you fight the urge to run?

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    • May 27, 2015 at 6:04 pm
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      Shane, what you do is seek God first. I know people (especially if you aren’t spiritual) don’t want to hear this, but trust me it is true.

      My wife had an affair and wants a divorce and has even seen a lawyer a couple months ago. I decided to not make any of this easy for her while still showing that I loved her and forgave her. If I had just come out and said, fine, I’ll divorce you under your full terms if that will make you happy, then went out and filed, it’d be over right now. As of today, we are still sleeping in the same bed, even if we aren’t “with” each other in the sense that I’d like to be.

      Grace and time. Unconditional love. These are the things you learn if you seek Him first. Then through His power you can find strength to get through. You have to realize that everything is going to be OK regardless of the outcome, and for me that took God.

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      • December 13, 2015 at 3:25 pm
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        I totally agree with you Mark. Seeking God first is the only thing that helped me through my crises apart from having support from my family and friends.

        About a year ago I found out that my wife had a affair with a guy who was her first love years ago. I knew that they were texting but she assured me that she just wanted closure as their relationship had ended abruptly years ago due to circumstances and that they were just friends now.

        When I confronted her she first denied it. I contacted the guy and told him to leave my wife alone and then all hell broke lose. I was totally devastated and went through a lot of emotions. We had some bad fights causing my 17 year old son to move out of the house to stay with his grandparents and leaving my 8 year old daughter traumatized. My wife wanted a divorce and said she wanted out

        My wife literally threw me out of the main bedroom and I moved into the spare room. Then I decided to change my approach I started seeking God first and spent my alone time praying for our marriage and my wife and children and seeking comfort in His Word.

        After about nine months my wife finally cracked up one morning and said that she and her lover had a fight and broke up. She said that she knew that what she did was wrong and will not blame me if I chased her away. I assured her that I still love her and that I will never chase her away. She asked met to give her some time to get over everything and give her some space to work things out with herself and with God. I agreed but after a few days I realized that they were talking and texting again.

        I continued to seek God and pray, all the time fighting emotions and pain inside me. One Sunday while at church I was crying my heart out to God when a elderly lady who was a total stranger to me suddenly kneeled beside me and asked if she could pray for me. I agreed and a peace came over me.Not long after that things started to happen. my wife had a fight with her family because of the affair and then she found out that her lover, who was also still married, was cheating on her with another woman.

        We are still together, although we are still sleeping in separate rooms, but we have now become friends and she started opened up to me. She told me that she is suffering from depression after the loss of her Mother and baby sister to cancer only days apart two years ago and that she has recently realized that she is going through a pre-menopause phase. She is now using medication and she has managed to get a job recently which has really given her a positive boost.

        I am still seeking God daily and I keep on praying for my wife.I am trying my best to win her back and although it is taking painstakingly slow I can see that we are slowly moving forward. She started holding my hand again in public and allows me to kiss and hug her now and then. I daily ask God to help me as I am an affectionate and emotional person and I find it hard and miss not having a sexual relationship with my wife. I believe and pray God will also change that to and that my marriage will be completely whole soon

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        • June 24, 2016 at 3:34 am
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          I am going through the same thing my spouse just want stop I dont know how much longer I can continue, I pray to God for change and every time things seemslike they stay the same, I have called a lawyer and now im looking for an apartment, I have to leave so that I can have, some peace my life he comes in all times of night and sometimes he dont come home, so as of right now we’re not sleeping In the same room or communicating.

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          • September 7, 2016 at 10:00 pm
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            I’m going through the same thing right now. I found out a few months ago that my husband was talking to another woman. He didn’t come home one night and I thought that was strange for him because , he would come home . He would come home late like 4:30 in the morning but, at least he came home. I went through the phone bill and found a number and called the number back and sure it was a female. I questioned him he denied it. Granted he hasn’t been working for 21/2 years. I’ve been the one working and providing for the family. He said he would stop talking and seeing her. My girlfriend got him a temp assignment and he started to talk to her on the company phone. Now he’s been lying about everything. Now he will go to work during the week and on Friday’s he wont come home until Monday after work. I have 3 kids 21,19, and 13. This is killing us ! He wont communicate with me and of course he keeps telling me their is no other woman. I don’t know if I can take him keep doing this and being in the house with us. I keep telling him to just leave and be with her since clearly this is where he wants to be. But he wont leave. How can I pray for him and still think my marriage is going to work.

        • September 25, 2016 at 11:46 am
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          I admire your toughness..I wish I too can reach that level very soon.right now it’s a roller coaster ride of emotions, like a light switch, one minute she says me out of her life makes her happy, and another minute she talks abt seeing a bag of chicolate chips..

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        • January 21, 2017 at 9:05 pm
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          I’ve been going through a similar situation 9 years of marriage, 2 kids 9 and 4 yrs old I cheated years ago my wife cheated recently and we are now seperated I told her I forgive her and we should move forward but she is still seeing the guy but she is lying to me about it. I begged her let’s work it out but everything I do is wrong I never get upset because I understand the fact that we are all human beings. I have peace mostly when I put God first if not I get overwhelmed with pain anger regrets etc. I’m praying and hoping God will restore my marriage. Please pray for me as I do for you. In Jesus name

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      • December 31, 2015 at 11:37 am
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        Thank you Mark for your word of encouragement. I am putting all my trust in the Lord Jesus, even though all my family now dislike my wife. One thing I know for sure, God is able to do all things.

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      • March 12, 2016 at 3:56 pm
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        I’m going through the same and this 5/27 is our anniversary date 🙁 keep looking to God. I’m still hopeful

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        • March 14, 2016 at 3:43 pm
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          Thank you for sharing… We will keep you & your marriage in our thoughts!

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      • December 29, 2016 at 12:32 am
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        Thank you for saying this! Faith hope and love! Gods love!

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      • September 17, 2017 at 1:06 pm
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        Mark I agree with you that God has to come first. My marriage is in a wreckage, barley any communication, we sleep in the same bed but there is a lot of distance, and we just had our daughter a week ago. My husband “tells me that I am not doing what he is asking and that I find excuses, that he is not happy, and that I am turning more into his ex wife”. It has been a hard year on both of us. I know that marriage ain’t no fairy tale and that it take a lot to make a marriage work. I had told my husband that I was leaving with our daughter because I couldn’t take the distance, barley any communication, not spending time together, fighting, and both of us being unhappy. I don’t want to leave but I don’t know what else to do? I am feeling so alone, scared and lost without a GPS to see me through this. I have and still pray to God that he will help me find my way through this and help our family become stronger. My husband is my best friend, soul mate, and even though right now we really aren’t together I still love him and want him to be happy. If anyone has any advice for me I am listening and taking notes. Thank you!!!

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  • May 9, 2015 at 4:30 am
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    Will this work after they been gone because my wife been gone for almost five months and we talk text and some times have sex she want to do a trail separating and found out it ends in June but she still don’t know if coming back she lives with a guy that a preacher and I’d married to and he brought her a ring to she was upset when he prose to her in front of his friends and she said right now it does mean much and I do beg to her sometime and have brought her lots of stuff and pay her bills and I asked why he didn’t she said she didn’t want to owe him more and even said she would pawn the ring and she does tell me she loves me and I think this will work but don’t know let me know

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  • June 24, 2015 at 1:28 am
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    My wife has announced a month ago that she intends to leave after 25 years of marriage. We are both early 50’s. I diont believer there is an affair, just fed up and tired and ready to move on. She is literally never home except to sleep and communication is practically non existant. I believe the only reason she has not moved out is to build up enough time of sleeping in seperate beds ( part of me “giving her space” ) or bedrooms at this point. she just seems to want to be free.. There is not much angry but I believe she is very abgry and has made up her mind, calm and calculated.
    How do I practice the PIES when she is out of the house for 16 hours at a time ( on purpose) what do I do to win her back and get her to check back into the marriage?.
    I WILL do ANYTHING.. its hard for me to be scarce when she has beaten me to the punch.. HELP!! .

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    • March 23, 2016 at 6:40 pm
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      You found out in the end that she did have an affair correct? That’s where she was spending her time. Getting her emotional needs met by someone who was not in the middle of the issue. Easy for him to do that if it’s not about him. How are you going? Are you looking after you.

      Reply
  • July 18, 2015 at 2:15 pm
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    What do you do when your spouse is convinced you had an affair, but you never did. Never would and it never would cross your mind?

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  • August 17, 2015 at 10:34 pm
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    My husband loved me so much and I never expected he would leave me one day. He left me last month because we fought a lot and he couldn’t handle the stress any more and never talked to me since then. I found he had booked his trips traveling for a month in next January and he is working in remote places most of this year. Basically we haven’t had communications since he left and will not have much chance to see each other. I don’t know what to do to get him back to me. He moved most of his stuff out of our rented house. We don’t have common children because our marriage is the second one for both of us. I want to tell him I love him and miss him so much but I didn’t. I don’t want to show him my weakness but I want to ask him to try with me because I realized how important to just have each other. What should I do?

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    • August 17, 2015 at 10:36 pm
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      We have been married for 7 years and I moved to Canada from China. He asked me to become a nurse just like him so we can work and travel together and I worked hard on it. Now I just graduated but he left me and I don’t even know how to move on by myself.

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  • October 4, 2015 at 4:09 pm
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    Well my wife came back from being with our daughter and her first baby. New grandma and all. When she returned after being home for two days informed me she was going to Texas for a job and had to leave that day . As I figured the story she gave did not add up and left for Texas to be with another guy. I believe it is an x-husband. All she told me was she needed to clear her head and needed time away. Packed up the car with clothes and left and she left everything behind including our 14 year son. She has been gone since July. In the first two weeks we spoke once and text. After two weeks she does not answer the phone and she does not answer text. So there has not been a word from her in over a month. I do not even know where she is living. Not sure what to do at this point if there is absolutely no communication at all. I have been through all the emotions and I have done all the things you should not do. Now I am at peace and making a life for me and my son as best I can. There are days when my emotions kick in and I can barely deal with life. I guess at this point whats my next move sit and wait …hope that someday she calls or just call it quits..I want her back but how long can some just wait for the other person to surface again.

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    • October 29, 2015 at 11:05 pm
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      I read your post and my heart feel your exact pain. I do hope she is back and you are working thru this difficult time. My Christian husband filed for divorce, went to court, forgetting to “mention” this to me, all the while still sharing same house, bed, normal night routine, etc. Day I found out (he hid the papers that came in mail) I filed an Emergency Hearing to set aside, then he states he can no longer be in the same house. I would love to chat more through emails. You and your spouse will be in my prayers tonight. God Bless and keep you,

      Samantha

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  • November 6, 2015 at 3:47 pm
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    I have been married to my wife for 20 years and I am trying to save my marriage. I was caught by surprise that my wife was emailing another man behind my back and talking to him on her work phone so I couldn’t find any phone records of her doing so. She has had men friends before some I have know about as just acquaintances others she has text and talked to but didn’t let me know twice before this guy. This one was a little more upsetting to me because I actually saw some of the emails her calling him baby and him calling her angel and her saying she was becoming attached to him and her sending him a racy pic is what hurt too not sure it her talking to him hurt more than the picture she sent. It has only been maybe a month since this has happened and she did say she was sorry and that she didn’t know why she did it and that it was stupid of her to do this. She claims I pushed her into doing it because I kept making accusations and because I am controlling and obsessed and jealous. Which I have never really been like this until I found out about her texting and talking to other men behind my back about only God knows what it was only eight months from the last incident we had about talking and texting another man at her job but she claims it was purely just a friend thing. But this new one has really turned me inside out and it is fresh in my mind. She said she just wants to forget about it and move on. She was on the verge of leaving me here these past few weeks she claims she didn’t want to be with any one just wanted to be alone but now she is being loving and wants me to comfort her and hold her and treat her as if nothing ever happened but it is in my mind and heart there are days that I can give her that but I still have anger and hurt and if I ask or say something about the incident, because I still have unanswered questions that probably aren’t worth asking because it just causes us to fight and she will say see told you we shouldn’t be together. I want to save my marriage I want to get the emails and image out of my head I want to move forward but I am scared and angry that she is just pretending or playing the good wife as she calls it. Which I don’t understand that if she is just playing the good wife what is the bad wife or when is the bad wife going to show up again. There is a whole lot more behind this we have three children ages 18,10, 5. God doesn’t like divorce and neither do I but will I ever be able to trust her again and I am only human too I have made the same mistake but she doesn’t know about it and I just stopped because I didn’t want to continue to do that to her or my children or my marriage no physical contact on either parts of us so she claims they didn’t have any physical contact but only God knows and that is also eating me up inside not knowing.

    trying to go forward with my wife and marriage with hurt and anger in my heart.

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  • December 8, 2015 at 7:40 pm
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    Hello,
    My story is a little different. I admit to being a little selfish and bratty in my marriage, and my husband can be a little controlling, but over all, we were so happy. We have been married for 2 years, together for 4. He found out one morning that I joined a guy from the gym on a run (around our home) because we are both training for marathons. My husband kicked me out, regretted it, and begged for me to come home. I was so filled with anger that her had kicked me out, I refused to come home, and said the meanest things to him…ones that I intended to cut him deeply. I moved everything out, and now have my own apartment. I could not be more sorry for it now. It has been two months since the incident, and my husband swears up and down that he does not love me anymore and that he wants the divorce…no if’s and’s or butt’s about it. I want so desperately to get him back. He tells me he is moving on with other women, he thought I was as well…but I could not even think of being with another man. People suggest the “no contact method,” but that seemed to not work and seemed to make him more upset. I hate to seem desperate, but I have no choice now but to call, text, and even stop by our house (with his permission of course). I don’t want to accept that it is over because it is all happening so fast….

    Can men really turn their love on and off like that? How can I tell if what he is saying is the truth or if it is out of anger. Please help…I want to win him back and will do anything…I know our problems are fixable with counseling (which we both had agreed to prior to this incident).

    p.s. things I said to him in arguing and after he kicked me out.
    1) i don’t love him anymore
    2) I don’t want kids with someone who can do that (we don’t have any yet)
    3) he verbally abused me during our marriage
    4) he physically abused me during our marriage (over exaggerated)

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    • January 8, 2016 at 11:48 pm
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      We can think that it’s done and be jerks like that. Do work on yourself and when we see change it draws us back. I told my wife to get out and I really thought I was done with her and I actually prayed she would find someone else tht will make her happy and guess what she did and I’m trying so hard to get her back and I was trying before I knew she had this other guy. She is nine years his elder and was actually a friend of mine and now she tells me she’s confused she loves him and me but is so hurt and is scared things will go back to the way they were which I don’t want to be in this situation again so I don’t want things the same so we think we can but its not always the case he might even know but work on you and when he gets more upset I believe that means he’s still wanting you

      Reply
  • December 8, 2015 at 7:49 pm
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    Although she says she hasn’t had an affair I still am unsure as she has lied multiple times (where she goes, who she is with). I read this article about a week ago and I’ve been trying hard to give her lots of space, she then says that I’m ignoring her. I still talk and have a positive attitude and am working on my PIES (which have found to be useful) but I’m having trouble finding that middle ground of giving space and ignoring. I’ve tried just being friends or friendly but she is looking for affection too…. I think I’m so confused.

    Reply
  • January 24, 2016 at 3:06 am
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    I left my husband almost 4 months ago. A daughters friends father innocently called wanting to get to know each other becuase his daughter and mine were best friends. I told my husband about the conversations. Slowly he began to send me texts unrelated to our daughters. The conversations began. I was home all evening by myself becuase my husband worked a late evening shift then worked out immediately after work. So my husband never arrived home until 2,3 or 4 o’clock in the morning. So during the conversations with my daughters friends single father he started asking about my marriage. At first I didn’t reply and tried to hold it in how I felt. I felt like my husband didn’t like me,he verbally abused me, my feelings never mattered, he had secretly talked to a woman the previous year and I never believed it was nothing more, he had left me 4 months before we gather married for another woman. All these things ate at me. Then to top it off he was out late every night even though he knew I wanted him home and how it made me feel insecure. After telling these things to the single dad, we began to talk divorce. I told him I had thought about, but I always figured if I was going to do it , it would be when I was finished in school for my RN which was a year away. I begin to feel cared about by this single father. I finally told my husband I wanted a divorce. Things would be better. My husband immediately tried tk change and say sorry for everything. I was angry. I kicked him out. He seeked the lord and told me scripture that I would regret this to just let him come back and we can get through this. I denied it. We tried counseling but I couldn’t stop seeing the other man. The affair lasted almost 4 months. Mean while.my husband still said he wanted me back. I prayed. I finally felt I was getting to the point where I had made a huge mistake. I couldn’t live without are family being together. When I expensed this he told me it’s to late. He has finally made his decision and he is moving on. He said I disgust him becuase of the things I did, he gave me more than enough chances to return, his love has changed, and he will better off. He isn’t getting run over anymore. I’m trying so hard to get him back now. Do you think there is hope?

    Reply
    • January 26, 2016 at 6:00 pm
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      Yes, there is still hope. We have seen experiences like this many, many, many times, unfortunately. The fact that you have a daughter together gives you a reason, even if feelings on his part are gone, to do one final thing to work this out, even if it is solely for coparenting reasons.

      You may or may not want to attend our Marriage Helper 911 workshop, which has dealt with situations like yours monthly. Either way, this article provides great insight on how to get your spouse to seek marriage help in general. http://www.marriagehelper.com/get-spouse-to-workshop

      You can also look into our online Save My Marriage course that is developed for a person in your exact situation: http://www.marriagehelper.com/savemymarriage

      Reply
  • January 31, 2016 at 2:38 am
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    How this work, if she has stop having her affair, but we have been separated for 3yrs, an there is still an intervention order in place, she says she wants to reconcile, but I’m seeing no actions from her.

    Reply
  • February 8, 2016 at 12:57 am
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    Yes, me and my husband have been together for 14 years, married for 6 years. He left me for a woman who is younger and married also. We have 4 kids together and they are hurting really bad about what happened! I love my husband and I have forgiven him and wished him well. But, he keeps saying that he wants to come home and he loved me and that he doesn’t want to divorce. He can’t have 2 lifestyles, and that’s what he is wanting. I need help

    Reply
  • February 18, 2016 at 9:52 pm
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    My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married seven months. I have put her through a lot to were she just gave up on us. We have been through counselors and I promised that I would stop doing whatever I was doing. And would for a short period of time. Then go right back it. The missing link to me not being successful with stopping, I did not have God in my life.
    She has moved out of the house with our children back to her hometown. Her childhood sweetheart that she had married and divorce (she has a child with as well.) they are on talking terms and I believe that they are involve. He used to put on a pedestal when they were together eventhough he would physically abuse her. She told me that she stills have deep feelings and love for him.
    I know that I did not have God in my life as well not being attentive to her needs and our communication skills stunk. I have been selfish and etc. I love my life and she told me that she loves me but is not in love with me. My response was, you care for me like a friend? And when I asked her what does she means by that, ” I didn’t say that I love you like a friend. we have a child together and we have spent years together more bad than good.”
    I am want to work on fixing myself and my marriage. I asked her what is going on and that I know she is working on herself and our children. And I asked if we are completely done. She told me, I don’t know.
    Now she is coming to the house to pick up the washer and dryer as well as drop the kids off so we can spend some time together. I told her she can have the washer and dryer because she will need it having the children. I asked her when she returns back from dropping it off at her place in her hometown, can we have dinner she said that she has to get the kids back and get them ready for school. However, she did say that we can have lunch. Bottom line, is this she was a stay at home mom with several kids that she had to deal with and me working 8-12 hours a day. We really never spent time together. Because of me and work. And I realize just how needy she is and I had neglected her needs to where she in return did mine.
    I love my wife and I don’t want to lose her eventhough she told me that I have a long time ago. And the said thing, I do not know if she being manipulating or not. She told me that the only reason she married me, was that she was hoping I would change my ways. It hurts and our children are suffering through as well. PLEASE HELP!

    Reply
  • February 24, 2016 at 2:37 pm
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    my wife of 18 years says she is not in love with me any more. im very hurt and depressed. and confused , i do not want the marriage to end , it seems everything she used to love me for is everything she hates me for now.
    we have two kids together, one is autistic. . its devastating our family. i dont know what to do.

    Reply
    • February 25, 2016 at 5:06 pm
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      Hi Steve,

      We are so sorry to hear of your pain. Please feel free to call us at (615) 462- 1161 if you would like to talk to our team.

      Reply
  • March 5, 2016 at 4:07 pm
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    I’ve just read the article on ‘Setting Boundaries.’ Long story short… My husband had an EA with a co-worker a year and a half ago. We decided to stay together and try to work it out. (Without having the first clue what we were doing.) I thought I forgave him, but looking back, I don’t think I did. And I made a lot of mistakes, like trying to make her my friend, and when I thought she was, also confiding in her about some of the arguments he and I had… soon after, she became his boss… his job was already a terrible job and I couldn’t get him to leave it… but then last summer I found that he was still sending her texts saying he cared about her and inappropriate messages on Facebook… I confronted both of them about it, him for doing it at all and her for why she was allowing a subordinate to be so inappropriate with her. She was furious at me for confronting her and told him that ‘this drama causing behavior would affect any decision she made in in any future promotions.’ At that point, I told him there could be no more contact between the two of them at all, that he needed to find a new job and cut all ties with her. A month later he tells me that she’s encouraging him to apply for a promotion because ‘he’s earned it’ and it means working at the same location with her, long, late hours… I said no. He said I had no right to a say in it, took it anyway… and a month after he started working with her, he told me that the marriage was over for him 2.5 years ago, he just ‘hadn’t accepted it yet.’ She had him running her personal errands, picking her aunt up from the hospital, while he was telling me he was working late. He started going out and staying out all night and told me he didn’t want to ‘try’ to save the marriage. He also told me he just wanted a separation, to ‘get his head on straight.’

    He also told he’d been written up at work but ‘luckily, she was fighting for him because she knows he just needs to get his head straight about his home life.’

    Finally, a couple of days after Christmas, he left, and two or three weeks after that, I summoned the courage to drive by her house and sure enough, that’s where he was. I confronted her again, called her on the phone and asked her “So, how long has my husband been living at your house?” She denied it, said that the car (one he’d come to visit the kids in) was her aunt’s car and he must have ‘borrowed’ it after meeting her the night he picked her up from the hospital, and told me that the ‘staff’ at work told her he had a girlfriend named Erica. By midnight that night, Erica was now her cousin, and a stripper, and they all did live in that house… He’d mentioned an Erica to me back in November but told me she was black and he doesn’t date black girls. That night, she was white. And a few weeks later, she was black again…

    When I confronted her, my husband stopped paying the bills in the house, shut off my phone, my internet, and my electric (all in his name).

    I’ve been reading tons of this ‘save your marriage’ information, but none of it talks about how to respond when you’re husband is being hateful like this… the only advice I get for this is ‘hire a lawyer.’ My state has no legal separation, it’s a very ‘easy’ divorce state, and if I’m the one to file, then I can’t even request mandating marriage counseling.

    I kept our entire tax return because I had to pay out almost $2,000 in deposits to have stuff turned on in my own name. He wanted $1,500 out of it but the day I was to give it to him, is the day he looked me in the eye and told me he was in a new relationship… I told him that day that if he needed me that I would be there for him, but that I will not support another woman, or him while he’s with one.

    She is supposed to be a stripper who ‘makes bank’…. let her support him. (But she has no car, and they live in a trailer in an area of town that is one giant crystal meth lab.)

    I don’t really believe the stripper story, I think she’s just a figment of their imaginations to cover for the affair so they don’t both lose their jobs if I report what they’re doing to their corporate offices (as suggested by Dr. Bill Harleyof Marriage Builders).

    The day I refused him the $1,500, he called to talk to our son that night and sounded so sad when he said “I’m going to make sure I pay for your field trip to LegoLand.”

    Then a week or two later, he told our son, “I don’t have any money. Your mom has money.” (I have no job, I’ve done freelance work)… when our son asked when he would see him, he said “I don’t know, I”m working 16 hour days 7 days a week. Maybe in a month.” Then he asked when the field trip money was due

    Last week, our son called him and told him “You wanted to know when my field trip money was due and it’s due on the 9th.” He then told me to leave the permission slip in the mailbox and he’d come get it and turn it and the money in.

    I sent him a text yesterday to let him know that I had it, and he responded with “Well, I’ll see what I can do, I may not have a dime.”

    I refused to take the bait and ask him where all his money is…. he told me he ‘rents a room for $40 a month” at this woman’s house, but he makes at least $2,800 a month with all that overtime. (unless he was forced to step down from his promotion.)

    I simply told him that I’m sorry he’s having financial difficulties. That I understand how hard it is for even one person to live on one income, and how it sucks even more for kids.

    I’m not sure I handled that correctly, but I don’t know what else to say or do at this point… the only guidance I’ve been able to find is either the very generic ‘make yourself the best you you can be so he’d be crazy to leave you,’ or the combative, ‘expose the whole affair, go dark, and get a lawyer..’

    If I post a question about how to respond to him in any forum, I either get, “Get rid of him” or “Be the best you you can be.” Neither of those are helpful when my boys are asking me, “When are we going to see Dad?”

    I’m so frustrated with this that I just want to give up. I have no one willing to do an intervention with him, and no one guiding me on how to respond to things he says and does without their own agenda of either getting me to divorce him or getting me to expose him…

    Reply
  • March 9, 2016 at 1:17 pm
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    Does all of this apply to being married only? I was in a long term relationship with plans on becoming married before my girlfriend drastically changed and ended our relationship. We never lived together and don’t have any kids together. I have been completely cut off and she told me to never contact her again. It seems to me that you have a greater chance to reconcile when you are married, live together and share custody of kids. That way you still have a little contact with them.

    Is there any hope for couples that aren’t married that are going through similar issues or does your information only apply to those that are married? Any resources you suggest? And how do to stand a chance with someone if they are shut you out of their life and refuse to communicate with you.

    Thanks

    Reply
  • March 10, 2016 at 6:48 pm
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    My husband left 3 weeks ago we’ve been married for 20 years. We have a daughter who’s married with the new baby living at the house and we have another daughter who is in high school. He’s the one that wanted to leave I have been left devastated emotional crying wanting him back he has made no attempt to contact me he goes through the children he moved in with the guy from work I know where he’s at. We haven’t been connecting for the past year or two we’ve just been sweeping things under the rug and then I found out that he had been texting a married woman at work and they would text more than 600 times a month but he would delete them when I confronted him about it he then went and bought a prepaid phone where I couldn’t track any of the numbers so the situation blew up and he decided to move in with this guy he said it would only be for a month but I’m scared that it’s going to be longer. I feel that in my book of cheating if your texting a married woman and deleting the text messages that’s cheating because if there’s nothing to hide you wouldn’t be deleting these text messages and you wouldn’t have bought a prepaid phone. I feel lost and confused and don’t know where to go I have recently gone back to church and put my problems in God’s hands I pray everyday I read my Bible several times a day to try to get me through this. I try not to put the kids in the middle of this but it’s hard because he will not return any of my calls which I’ve only called him once but he won’t return any of my text messages either he always goes through the kids. I’m lost and confused and I am seeking a counselor and it’s been helping he said he would go to counseling with me but I’m scared that he probably won’t I’m also scared that he won’t return home as well. What do I do?

    Reply
  • March 12, 2016 at 4:43 pm
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    My husband gave me the I’m not in love with you speech but wasn’t sure he wanted to work on our marriage . Shortly after I discovered he was having an affair with single women who has no responsibilities . We have a 6 year old. I kicked him out of the house. He moved in with a friend . I have been working on myself – lost weight , going out with friends , looking into a career change and seeking counseling with our daughter . He jerks saying he is confused and hasn’t ruled out coming home.. It’s been 9 weeks . He quit his job and now is traveling 80% of the time. He has seen changes in me. We are meeting tomorrow to discuss I am not sure what

    Reply
  • June 2, 2016 at 7:33 pm
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    My husband and I have been best friends our whole lives, together as a couple for 14 years, married for 4. We are now in our early 30’s and he has never had his head on straight – no career and shows no sense of responsibility. We’ve gone through some stressful situations over the past few years including moving back into my mother’s house because of financial strains and the birth of our first child, who is now 3. About a year ago I suspected my husband to be having an affair with a coworker. He continually lied to me about it when confronted. About 6 months ago I confirmed my suspicions when I caught them together. She is 9 years older, also married, with 2 young daughters. Needless to say, I was devastated and shocked that he could do something like this. It seemed so out of character for him. I decided I wanted to give him a second chance. We decided to see a marriage counselor. During this time, he continuously denied seeing her and that he loved me. Long story short, about 4 weeks ago I confirmed that he was still seeing her. He initially denied it, but eventually confessed. He says he does not have romantic love for me anymore and that he just wants to move on because he is in love with her. I filed for divorce immediately. Our therapist believes he may have psychological issues due to his pathological lying and inability to obtain a career. I am very close with his entire family. Everyone is shocked and devastated. Despite everything that has happened, I still love him and want our marriage to work. No one in either of our families has been divorced and I do not want divorce for myself nor our child. Now this other woman is influencing him to treat me badly. We both already have lawyers. Is there any chance for us? Everyone including my church pastor is saying he has emotionally abused me and I should move on and find someone who will treat me with respect and that I deserve better. I do not believe in divorce and in my heart I still love him. Should I just move on?

    Reply
  • June 6, 2016 at 6:10 pm
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    What do you do when your husband is an angry, emotionally abusive narcissist? He moved out 5 months ago and threatens to divorce me, but then again, he has threatened that for years. I have been blamed for all the problems, but I promise you I have done nothing but try. He is unable to sit down and talk without dwelling on the past and blaming me for everything. He hasn’t tried to do anything to save the marriage including getting counseling, like he said he would. Its like he thinks he is punishing me if he doesn’t. I love him and would love to save the marriage, but I AM SCARED that it will be more of the same brow beating if he ever comes back and I do not want to go through that ever again. He came around a few times but to date, he has not tried to see me outside the house or called for more than just a couple of minutes. We have not had relations in a year. I just don’t know what to do except cut off contact and maybe see if he will re-think things and miss me and THEN maybe the ball will be in my court to tell him he needs help or else its over. I don’t know what to do.

    Reply
  • June 25, 2016 at 8:50 pm
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    Is it a sin if you having an emotional affair with someone else while your still married? I believe my wife is in that situation right now. I’m not sure what to do. She has moved out of the house and file for divorce. Of course she denied the affair. I want to work it out, but she does not. Please help.

    Reply
  • August 24, 2016 at 6:27 pm
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    My husband and I have been married for 16 (almost 17) years. We have 3 wonderful boys. I have felt we had a mostly happy marriage, though there have been problems. We have never really done anything to actively address these problems. I can get very angry and emotional when I feel unwanted and have lashed out at him pretty regularly throughout our marriage. I wanted more time attention, date nights, surprises, intimacy etc…Each time though he says he loves me he will do better etc… I have said many things I should not have said and did not mean in a stupid attempt to try and change the amount of affection he gave. He has never said he was unhappy with me or wanted to leave our marriage. He had mentioned therapy but only brought it up during a fight and I said no and he never brought it up later. All this changed about 2 months ago. We spent about 6 months in a stressful situation where he relocated across the country for a job and I stayed back with the kids until school was over. It was torture for me to be apart and when he came home to visit I didn’t always respond as I should as I knew we would have very little time together because of kids schedule. We have never set aside much time for alone time with our busy lives with 3 active kids. So about 2 months ago we started our journey to be back together at our new location. We all seemed happy to be reunited after a long struggle apart. This move has us all leaving all our family and friends and going to a location where we know no one and have to adapt and adjust. After we moved in I struggled with being home alone with the kids, I temporarily had no car, I had mountains of boxes to unpack, no connection to anyone and felt disconnected from my husband as well. I lashed out at him and we had a horrible fight and I slept on the couch for over a week. I said horrible things and packed a bag but never left. As a result of that, he says now he is no longer in love with me, he does not see a future with me, and we should not be together so our kids can see us be happy apart. I was totally blindsided because while we have fought before he has NEVER said he wants our relationship to be over. No warning no chance to fix it he is done. He refuses to go to therapy now and says it is too late for that and he is dead inside. I have since started therapy myself, have an appointment to talk to a doctor about my angry outbursts and have tried to do all I can to help him remember the good times. We are still in the same house and sleep in the same bed but have had no physical contact for at least 2 months and very little prior to that. He says he does not miss anything about me and does not see a future with me. He has just this week stopped wearing his wedding ring, yet he still wants us to do all the things we would normally do as a family. Should I just give up and move back home? I have no one here, no job he is the only person I know here. I lost my tenure, retirement and let my teaching license expire to move here for his job. I would do anything to fix this for our family and to save our boys from this. They just had to leave the life they have always known to move, I don’t want them to then have separated parents. This is all so totally the opposite of who he has been for all these years I don’t know what to think. No one we know would believe he is acting this way. I have on one but my therapist to talk to about it but keeping it together is getting harder each day. I don’t want to take the boys back and them have parents that live so far apart but I don’t know how stupid it is to stay here when I have no friends, family or support. I just keep praying he will come to his senses but that is not happening.

    Reply
    • August 30, 2016 at 2:56 pm
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      Jen,

      I am so sorry to hear of your pain & your husband’s pain.. We know how difficult marriage is but we always have hope in it. Have you looked into our Save My Marriage Course? It teaches you how to create the environment to save your marriage!! If you would like more information on the course please click the following link http://www.marriagehelper.com/savemymarriage

      Reply
  • August 29, 2016 at 3:24 am
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    What do you do if your spouse is having an affair, wants a divorce but can’t because of customary/religious grounds, but at the same time she won’t work on the marriage. So she has one foot in the marriage (because she can’t get out) and one foot in the affair (because she’s in limerance) – while at the same time her husband (me) doesn’t know what to do with his wayward wife. Do I set a boundary to protect myself (it hurts!), draw a line in the sand and get her to make a decision OR do I hold on, keep hurting and hope that things will miraculously turn around?

    Reply
    • August 30, 2016 at 2:46 pm
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      Great question, Andy.

      Call into our radio show tonight to talk to Dr. Beam LIVE. You can ask him any question you have. The show begins at 9 PM CST. You will dial 646.378.0424, then press 1 to talk with Dr. Beam.

      Reply
  • September 7, 2016 at 5:33 pm
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    My heart goes out to all of you. Here is my story…
    About a month ago, after I returned from a business trip, my husband was acting very strangely. He was very distant and did not want to be intimate. I became angry and sent him an email of the top 5 things a wife needs to hear. Two days later, he said that he did not miss me while I was out of town and he had drank a lot and poured out his feelings to his father, who lives with us. He asked for a legal separation. I cried and cried and cried for three days. I begged and pleaded with him to give this marriage another chance but he said he was tired of the way I had been treating him. Honestly, I sucked at being a wife. I was disrespectful and rude, and really only cared about myself and our son. He said that he had been fighting for 5 years and had been depressed the entire time. He always wanted out, but did not want to hurt my feelings. After 3 days I recommended that he go stay somewhere else for a while. He went on a 4 day camping trip with his dad. After that he stayed in a hotel for a while. A mutual friend asked him to go on a fishing trip with him and he went out of town for 4 days. After one week I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling but he was cold and blamed everything on me. I waited a few more days, and his tune did not change. I received a cell phone bill and I decided to snoop. I saw that he talked to someone quite a bit on the phone and would send between 20 and 100 text messages back and forth a day with someone. I had not seen or heard from him for a while and I was worried about him. I assumed it was his friend Tom from work and I texted the number and asked how my husband was doing. My husband called yelling at me asking me why I had done such a thing. Turned out that it was a girl he really liked. A few days later we talked about the girl, and he said he had feelings for her. He told me that he loved and cared about me, but he was no longer in love with me. He said that he could not make me happy and that I could not make him happy. He still wanted a separation and refuses to go to counseling. He was interested in dating other people and possibly pursuing another serious relationship. He told me that I could not change and learn to respect him. Throughout all of this, I have stayed steadfast in turning to God. I have already started to change, and told him what kind of wife I wanted to be. He still says that I will be unhappy and change back into the person that I was. Yesterday when I came home from work he was sitting on the back porch with his girlfriend, and I approached them. I was very polite and respectful and introduced myself. I asked the girlfriend if she would like to talk. She said yes, and her and I walked around the block chatting. My husband stalked us the entire time. He said that he couldn’t trust me to be nice to her. We were very nice to each other and mostly talked about life. After out conversation he left with her and they were gone for 5 hours. When he returned home, I told him how disrespected I felt when he said that he didn’t trust me to be nice. This turned into him asking me why I won’t just give up and get a separation, so that he can pursue whatever relationships he wants to and see if he really wants to be married or not, specifically married to me. He really wants the girlfriend to become a more serious relationship. The girlfriend and I texted that night and earlier today and she assured me that she has absolutely not interested in my husband in that way. She cares deeply for him and is somewhat attracted to him, but she is in a relationship and wants to be single. Plus, she can’t stand the age difference. My husband is 30 and she just turned 20. We have a 5 year old together, and her current boyfriend has a child, and it is one of the reasons she wants out of the relationship. She is leaving to go out of town and won’t be back for a few weeks. She told me that her life plans do not include my husband and she will be moving soon. My husband is staying in our son’s room and our son is staying in my room. Our son does not really know what is going on but it is effecting his behavior at school, he just started kindergarten. I love my husband. Through this all, I have turned to God and turned over my life to become a better person and a better wife. When I start to feel emotional I can hear God telling me to be patient my dear child, in due time. I love my husband so much and I am learning how to be a good, respectful, loving wife. I am going to the gym, scheduling some much needed doc appts for my health, seeing a counselor and in the process of switching careers. I know that God is for me, so nothing can stand against me, but this is hard!!!

    Reply
  • September 10, 2016 at 10:32 pm
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    I’ve been with my husband 15 years and married for 5. throughout the coarse of our marriage things have gotten rocky and we have four children together. After feeling neglected, unloved and him losing interest in me I started to become mentally checked out. He told me I don’t mentally stimulate him anymore and he stopped having sex with me. I needed to temporary leave to gather my thoughts and think clearly so I went to Los Angeles where I reconnected w an ex and cheated on my husband. I feel so bad for what I’ve done because I realize I love him so much. after a fight he left me and asked me to move out so I did. I came clean to him about my LA fling just to hurt him because I was hurt that he didn’t want me anymore. This just completely ruined everything. I want my husband back so bad and I always apologize and beat myself up but he says he is done and we are over. I just want to fix our marriage and put my family back together desperately but he just ignores my calls and texts and he says he started the recovery process. I am more then willing to try this method in hopes that it works because I feel physically sick now that he is gone. I just hope my husband still loves me although he told me he is not in love w me anymore. Any advice is appreciated.

    Reply
  • September 13, 2016 at 9:53 pm
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    So ignore my spouse, work on myself, and pretend to have fun for show? If my spouse wants out how does this method of giving him what he wants prove to be beneficial. Working on myself, prayer, simply occupying my time with work have been the things I’ve done. When I do speak to my spouse he is Ange ex and wants to know why I’m having a conversation with him when I’ve been ignoring him for some finite amount of time. If you tell me it works I’ll continue to push through. But it seems to be counterproductive.

    My family has washed their hands of the situation. His family can’t get through to him and simply apologize to me foe his behavior. But he will always be their family and they can’t offer me much support or influence on the situation. I want so desperately to have my marriage continue and work through our issues. But he is being impossible and blames me for the sun rising and setting everyday. My heart is in tatters. I can’t bring myself to smile for more than a few moments. But that is only to please the people trying to take my mind off my situation.

    I will continue praying for his heart and mind, my strength, and the removal of this wedge from our situation. But it hurts… He has weaseled his way out counseling. Ran away from our home to work in 1000 miles away. When he was close he would still come by Anne be around in some capacity. But not for sex, mainly it felt like intimacy of other kinds… closeness I guess.
    What’s a loving longing wife to do???

    Reply
  • September 19, 2016 at 4:38 pm
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    I am the spouse that caused injury by committing adultery. I don’t think each step would apply in my situation. Especially having fun and if I fail to pursue I feel that it could send a message that I don’t care.

    Reply
  • October 2, 2016 at 7:54 pm
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    I had an emotional affair that was all texting. Have been separated for almost 8 months & Sept 22 was our 29th anniversary. I was having a hard time coping with my Mom’s cancer diagnosis& very bad work situation.I started drinking and viewing porn to numb myself. This opened door to the EA.When we first separated we were going to Christian counseling & were making progress. We started seeing each other everyday , going on dates etc. Then wife came to my apartment & accused me of watching porn again. I had stopped all of the behavior that got me here. She said she was done & wanted no contact or communication. Next thing I know is she filed for divorce. Told her wanted no part in it & she said wasn’t concerned with her well being. I reluctantly signed the papers. Now my birthday & anniversary have come and gone with no acknowledgement. The day before my birthday she sent a text saying she has made up her mind & not changing it. Said won’t discuss our relationship past present or future again. I haven’t been able to login to online course by my phone. This is my only way to access the contents. During this time I have also lost my job and both my Mom and mother in law have passed away. I just know what to do anymore. I have totally rededicated my life to God and have changed & grown so much. Just want my life & wife back. The clock is ticking so to speak since I signed the divorce papers little over a month ago.

    Reply
    • October 3, 2016 at 2:13 pm
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      Alex, I am so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you.. We are working diligently on fixing the issue with the website & phone users. I apologize about this inconvenience.

      Reply
  • November 19, 2016 at 4:26 pm
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    What do you do if you’re the one that made a mistake he says that he needs alone time he has not he lives another spot right now because a criminal reasons we can’t be in the same house while he is on house arrest I’ve been praying and praying really hard to get this marriage back together I don’t understand why he has to have alone time before he starts working on his marriage I understand him wanting a long time that is perfectly fine I can’t you have alone time and work on your marriage at the same time I’m going to admit I cheated over a year ago because I was told to be my husband because he was in jail again his family told me to leave him so I decided to move on because of what they said I got myself into trouble with this man and I was trying to find a way to leave him in the process my husband he came back home and I couldn’t figure out have to leave him until this last year I’m working really hard to try and make myself better for me marriage I cry a lot each night in my bed thinking about all the mistakes I made I’ve asked God to forgive me but I really want my husband back he barely talks to me on the phone he only allows me to talk to you more today for a few minutes or seconds I want us to do more than talk I want us to plan our marriage getting back on track but I don’t know what else to do I don’t want to push him yet I want to no if I have a Fighting Chance left in this marriage I don’t believe in divorce I believe I’m working out my problems and making them right I know he has a lot of trust issues because of what he did I can understand that how do I get him to understand how to trust me again I really would appreciate your help thank you

    Reply
  • November 22, 2016 at 7:09 am
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    Where do I start? I had an affair around 4 years ago and have been hiding it ever since. The affair was nothing emotional as he too was married. We both knew we didn’t love each other and what ever it was it had to end. The affair lasted around four months and even then it wasn’t until the very end when it went from a friendship to an affair. Now last month everything came out and the truth raised above like I always knew it would. Although I feel at peace that it did, now I’m dealing with the consequences. My spouse refuses to give me any affection. We still had sexual encounter but are empty from his side. He said even pretending to kiss me hurts him and he feels nothing like he once would. It even surprised him how meaningless the kisses are to him. We don’t sleep in the same bed, he has locked his phone from me and says I’m no longer his wife. That I have lost all my privileges as his wife but i still have to respect him as my husband. He can now go and look at other girls if he wanted to and not feel any remorse. I’ve said I wouldn’t stop fighting for our marriage until I can fully look into our girls eyes and firmly believe I’ve tried it all, there was nothing else I could of done. My question is how do I win him back, making him fall for me again and stop seeing me for my mistakes but instead for all this love i have for him?

    Reply
  • November 22, 2016 at 3:45 pm
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    I’m in a similar situation. My husband had a five year affair with my best friend. I love him and want to save our marriage however he says he loves her. She says she wants nothing else to do with him I think I he needs closure from her do I told him to contact her. I’m sure he will. I need help I know he still has feelings for me I just need to bring them to the surface

    Reply
  • November 27, 2016 at 12:12 am
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    Hi
    My husband and I were together for nine years married seven. He recently filed for divorce which has left me feeling devastated. We had gone to counseling for some months which helped me with our initial problem (my hesitance and fears of motherhood) I just tend to take along time to feel ready for big changes. Now I’m 40. The counseling helped me this year but when husband had started going to her separately. Things became worsened by this and I also gave him space by staying with my parents. He then a few weeks later decided that because of other reasons, (our happhazzard intamcy) and things I’ve said over the years, he’s doing this. Here I’m ready to fave that challenge with motherhood, now he’s gone. I feel like I’ve lost everything and now my chance to have a family with him. He’s now blocked me from texts and phone because he no longer wants to discuss our relationship, which I guess I wasn’t letting go. I don’t know what to do. Of course I’ve gone overboard with emails. I just want my husband back. I know that this counselor has put a wrench between us. She uses influential opinionated words.

    Reply
  • January 14, 2017 at 5:46 pm
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    After taking a job out of town for the fall season I fell apart and had an affair and looked outside of my marriage. My wife found out and Upon returning to the family was forced to find my own apartment and she is wanting a divorce. She has found another and has given her heart to him and is being intimate with him even though he too is married we have 3 children together the oldest of which is supportive of his mother and the other two are pretty young I’m trying to figure out how to handle this and knowing what I have done how I mistreated my wife that how I drove her away from us. I was not a good friend and partner to her and at times was married to my work and when things went badly there would be uncaring and distant enough because I wasn’t caring but just because I had withdrawn and felt like I had let my family down. It is been 4 months since she found out about my indiscretion and she wrote me an email a month or so after letting me know that she did not want to continue on this journey with me any longer. Since my looking outside of the marriage I have been in counseling for nearly four months have not missed a Sunday at church some of my counseling was with clergy and some of it has been with a psychologist and I have read nearly everything I can find establishing Trust rebuilding a marriage and all sorts of similar self-help and marriage restoration type books and videos and blogs. I have read committed myself to Jesus and pray daily for an opportunity for reconciliation. recently I’ve even been in touch with the wife of the man she is seeing and we have begun to communicate about what we know that our spouses are doing. We both have been lied to quite a bit about how are children are being involved in this and what they are doing to each of their respective families. I am trying to do everything that I can to we establish some communication between us but all I am getting from her is that contempt because she is in another relationship and I believe it makes her feel like I am trying to break that up which I am since we are married and I love her. fortunately I get my kids every other week, at least two of them, the oldest won’t even talk to me. I am in need of a miracle from the Lord and from my wife. She has went from being a Christian to deny the existence of God recently. It appears that no matter what it is I do she chooses the opposite and because I have given myself to the Lord and working out removing the simple things from my life to better my marriage she is moving in the opposite direction of everything regarding that. What am I to do? I know that my commitment to the Lord is the right thing and that my commitment to my children is the right thing and that being here in this town where I move to and have given up my career to be with my children just light for my wife and to fight for my marriage is the right thing to do. I just don’t know that any positive momentum is happening. It’s hard to see that when I’m unable to communicate with her and then when I do she is Harsh and cruel in her words to me about how happy she is with this other man. Please pray for my wife Shannon and I to reconcile and for the Lord to soften her heart to me. If you have any advice on what I can do I am more than willing to speak with you or read it. Thank you

    Reply
    • January 16, 2017 at 8:06 pm
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      Good afternoon,

      I am so sorry you are going through this.. We are praying for you, your wife & marriage.

      Have you looked into our Save My Marriage Course? It can help you along this difficult time & it will give you the tools to save your marriage.. Click here >> http://www.marriagehelper.com/savemymarriage if you would like more information.

      Reply
  • April 14, 2017 at 3:14 pm
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    I pray for all of you. My husband and I have been together 8 years married for two. He left me this November saying it was over and that he didn’t love me anymore…only to find he’d fallen in love with my best friend. She’s dating someone else but has admitted that she has had feelings for him but didn’t say anything prior because she never saw him leaving me and doesn’t want to hurt me. He moved to Philadelphia and I reside in Ohio with our children. Since he moved, we still have had sex and he’s coming back up to find work and stay with me until he can move out on his own.

    I’m so torn because I love him so dearly and for him I feel the intimacy is meaningless while it’s still meaningful to me and I truly want this marriage to work. I love him to pieces. I’ve been asking God everyday to help me and to help our marriage flourish. I will pray for all of you as well.

    Reply
  • April 26, 2017 at 6:30 pm
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    My situation is a little unique I would very much like your opinion..My wife and I have been together for 27 years, dated 7 married 20, in October. I was 26, recent college graduate, she was 19 when we started dating. Briefly I have been an emotionally abusive husband for most of those years. I always have had a serious alcohol abuse problem. I have a very successful career. Last fall, October 20th to be exact I found out my wife Traci (T) was having an internet affair. She had seen the man one time for 4 days when she was supposedly on a shopping trip with girls friends. I found out about the affair by getting her phone and reading text. I freaked out. Long story short that same morning I went to Alcoholics Anonymous picked up a desire chip, found a marriage counselor and a personal counselor. T started telling me she was going to end the affair even in January making a trip to with him to end the affair. She did not. We continued in marriage counseling, me and T in individual counseling and both in marriage counseling. I realized how much I really love her and started to become the husband and father I should always have been. The only thing we have argued about is the AP. During a very nice spring break trip to the Caribbean I found out she had not ended the affair. I gave her an ultimatum that when we got home she had to end it or move it, March 20th. When we got home she tried to end it but could not, she moved out into a hotel. I made all the mistakes listed in your book. We are still in counseling and I’m handling it much better focusing on my sobriety, the kids (3 boys), my career and being the best man that I can. T even agrees I have made great strides. She says she loves me but needs time and space to figure out the AP. A couple things about him he lives 1700 miles away, is 17 years older and is in the middle of a divorce. As I said I’m living in our home and have the boys. Our state does not have a formal separation, but we are separated. She has not filed. I have continued to support her emotionally, and financially. I will love honor and respect her until the day that I die. I try my best to not do the things mentioned in your book and focus on being a great father and husband. T also says that I really through a wrench in her plans by getting sober and working on my emotional issues in counseling, I’m also on an anti-depressant. I want my family back together and will do anything to make that happen, I understand the serenity pray and I know I cannot control her. T and her AP are going on a trip somewhere next week, I don’t like it but nothing I can do. She is clearly in love with a fantasy as in an affair of 1 year and 3 months they have seen each other 9 days. I told her for years she could never get anyone else, this guy is a used car salesman and has convinced her he loves her he is 64 she is 46. I don’ think I’m at the ultimatum phase yet. I’m not ready to file. I’m trying very hard to give her time and space and realize all the positives our family offers. We are continuing marriage counseling. We are communicating better than we ever have in the history of our relationship. I think she is gaining trust in me as I have supported her financially etc. She says I’m the only person in her life that she is 100% honest with.

    Your thought and advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Reply
  • May 3, 2017 at 8:15 pm
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    I am seriously confused whats going on who is more responsible and what to be done to change my entire family Mind ESPECIALLY MY MOTHER AND SISTERS and my wife family.

    I got married last year on 31st Jan,
    We were staying happily suddenly on may 31st something worst happened which was almost taking my wife away from me which happened she left to India for six months my elder sister was getting married this year in January.

    Why she left was that one day she found two recorded call conversation between my mom and sis in which first conversation my sister was in all sense she wasnt drunk at all in this call conversation she said something after my engagement with my wife she said this girl is unlucky blah blah so my wife got hurt about this she cried after hearing it without my permission even though i didint know that such words were used i told her that things are changed dont worry i was wrong.

    Again she found one conversation in this time my sister was highly advised by doctor to take brandy as medical use because she was having heavy flue and couldnt be able to speak well so dad gave her so it was like a joke but my sister spoke ill words about her my wife mother which my wife couldnt bear it she decided to send to her brother by accident gave it to his parents.

    what happened on 31st they called complained to my father who was in US for his visit to our uncle so my ladies got angry spoke to her in rude tone infact sometime they didnt let her even sleep with me which turn out to be that on 12th september her father made bogus idea by saying that his brother is on death bed so we must get our daughter so her uncle can see her all was ok upto 10Th october suddenly all changed decided she is not coming going for her further studies.

    She wanted to study in canada which i told her its late now she should told me before marriage.

    So gradually agreed to it but later my mom indirectly reminded her that she lost opportunity etc etc ,

    So because of this she wasnt willing to come back then because of this my father told my mother and sister to try to talk to her then when i reached india she felt happy to see me after my sis marriage she decided to come back again we were leaving happily but same complaint started that mom is taunting me that you should have taken decision whether to continue your studies or come back if come back why you left for six months etc ,

    Then all was ok suddenly her father and mother planned to take her in name of that we are coming for sightseeing but they emotionally blackmailed that leave this guy who eats non veg yes i agree i used to eat but only chicken but for her i gave up everything to see her smile isnt that not good sign for them if i give non veg to my pets thats not crime if i use abusive language such as BHADWA just for laugh even cricket match i use such now who on earth say this is offence tell me ,
    She didnt know what will happen badluck our house maid has gone on leave so she was supposed to help mom and small sis now thats not crime they used such stupid point which anyone can laugh but this time my mom got angry told them get out if you think we are torturing I know they use to taunt her indirectly but this should not be considered as divorce .

    They took her for two days trip and then returned her brain was spoilt already which parents do this now my entire family including dad said leave her move on .

    I am shattered that for whom i learnt to smile , for whom i gave my social media life to give her more time ,
    I almost changed my anger into love for everyone but today i am left broken i dont know even if god send her back will anyone accept will she come even .
    I dont know what to do .

    Today 22April 2017 her parents took her away from me they left for India then they will send divorce she didnt want to leave but dont know how to find out if she wants to stay with me or not .

    Please help me .
    I really love my wife I want her back show me a way or someone tell her to come back

    Reply
  • July 1, 2017 at 2:28 pm
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    My wife has filed for divorce. She is very upset with me. I was not the best husband.. I didn’t cheat on her or hit her. I wasn’t supportive enough of her needs when our twins were born. The last mistake I made was returning to my hometown without even telling her about. She doesn’t want to forgive me. I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her if she would only let me. She will only talk to me about the kids. She is hostile.. I am so sorry for what I did..

    Reply

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