I’m Married But In Love With Someone Else

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You probably never meant for it to happen. It’s not as if you went looking for a lover.

However, once you fell in love with another person than your spouse, things got rather intense. You’re already in what some refer to as an emotional affair. Perhaps you’ve gone further and the relationship has turned physical.

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

It may be difficult for you to know exactly how you got into this situation. Some are honest enough with themselves that they know step-by-step how everything came to be as it is now. Others have more difficulty, their mind confused because what they are doing is so contrary to what they believe and value. Some feel that God sent them their soul mate. Others blame it on the way their spouse’s actions or lack of actions.

Underlying vulnerabilities very likely made the new relationship possible. Highly revered marriage researcher John Gottman writes in his book The Marriage Clinic:

…many clinicians…have been quick to point out that ‘affairs involve sex, but sex is usually not the purpose of the affair’…In fact, most clinicians who have written in this area report that affairs are usually about seeking friendship, support, understanding, and validation…they are about getting the acceptance that is missing in the marriage.”

My work with thousands of couples in crisis indicates that this is exactly the case. Relationship affairs – as opposed to the one-night-stand type affairs that are wholly about sex and not at all about relationship – usually find root in a person’s feeling unloved, unaccepted, disliked, or disrespected. That doesn’t mean that the person necessarily went looking for affirmation and validation from someone else. However, when it came, it captured their heart.

Maybe you describe this new relationship similar to the way others I’ve worked with:

  • I’ve never been loved like this.
  • No one understands me as well as he/she does.
  • This is the person I was meant to be with.
  • I can’t explain how this feels because I don’t think anyone else can understand it. It’s intense. Amazing. Wonderful.
  • Most likely your desire is not to hurt the person you’re married to, but rather to live in this new level of love that you never knew existed. You don’t mean to harm family, friends, coworkers, church buddies, or anyone else. Your desire is to have, not to hurt. (There may be an exception to that if you feel that your spouse has been unkind or hurtful. If so, that degree of negativity toward your spouse probably increased its intensity after your affair began.)

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

You have four potential paths before you. Either you stay in your marriage while continuing a relationship with your lover, leave your marriage for your lover, end the affair yourself, or your lover ends it.

Each possibility carries consequences. Short-term consequences and long-term consequences. If you choose short-term, you may decide to end your marriage for your lover. The intensity of your present emotions may make that the choice that seems most likely to make you happy. However, there are long-term consequences that will come with that choice. Consequences involving your family, your children, your friends, your religion, your personal beliefs and values, and your spouse. If you think that being with your lover more than makes up for any difficulties in these areas, you aren’t alone. Nearly everyone who makes that decision figures that because of the deep love they now feel, everything balances out in the end.

Unfortunately, it rarely, if ever, turns out that way.

Your emotions are intense now, but they won’t be forever. Within a couple years, if not before, you’ll discover that the Cinderella or Price Charming you’re in love with isn’t quite as wonderful as you think. In the ecstasy of new love people overlook flaws, quirks, and problems in the other. When that emotions evolves, as it must and will, you’ll start to be bothered by things that never bothered you before. You will discover that Cinderella and Prince Charming exist only in fairytales. All the rest of us are flawed and at time hard to live with.

Repeatedly those who left their spouses for a remarkable love come to me after a few years and say they wish they could do it all over again. This time they wouldn’t abandon their marriage but would figure a way to work out their problems. They wouldn’t expect their children NOT to be negatively affected by the divorce. They would look deeper into their hearts to see that their beliefs and values are part of their very identity and realize that to live in contradiction to them would lead them to become someone quite different than they were. They would admit that there is never a “happily ever after” and that leaving one relationship for another is trading one set of problems for another.

In short, they would have stayed in the first marriage and done all they could to make it work.

MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION

Though logic doesn’t reign for you at the moment, take one quick moment to see past the feelings into your future. What do you honestly, at the deepest level of your being, expect it to be ten years from now if you abandon your marriage, maybe destroy another in the process (if your lover is married), and violate your core beliefs?

Happy?

Not likely. Happiness comes from doing the right thing; not the selfish thing.

If you wish to learn how to overcome the deep emotion you currently feel for your lover and find the way to have a fulfilling marriage with the person your mate, we can help. While I cannot guarantee success, our percentage over the last decade is more than 75% for those who attend our workshop in Nashville, TN. We’ll do all we can to help you have the best future, full of love…not regret.

Comments

  1. Ed says

    Hi…thanks for the info. I been married for fifteen years. I have strayed online and met a woman I am falling in love with. I am stuck between rock and a hard place. I want this woman so bad!
    Shes from another country and wants to fly here to be with me.
    I don’t want to hurt anyone but my wife and I have been on rocky road for a while. I have two children also.

    • Spencer Sutton says

      Ed,

      We understand your situation because we see it everyday at Marriage Helper. As you have probably already discovered, you’re in a tough spot because I’m guessing your belief and value system is telling you to stay with your spouse while you intense emotions (we know this as Limerence) are trying to convince you this woman is the best decision.

      My advice is to give us a call at 866.903.0990 and let us talk to you about it. And if possible, we would love to see you and your wife at one of our workshops for marriages in crisis. You can find more information under ‘Marriage Help’ on our main menu.

      In the next couple of weeks we will also have a great video series that Joe put together for spouses in your situation. It will be extremely valuable in your decision making process. Let us know how else we can help!

    • Joe Beam says

      Ed, I understand the intense emotion that you feel for this woman. I also know how in nearly every case these situations turn out. You indicated you have a great deal of passion for the new woman and I don’t doubt that you do. However, it will not last in the same form it is now. It never does. Passion always fades. When it does, people look around and wonder what happened…how they gave up so much for this new relationship that seemed to be the ideal…and how that beautiful dream evolved into a nightmare.

      More than 20 years experience working with couples tells me that if you pursue this new woman and lose your wife of fifteen years, you will come to regret it. Actually, regret isn’t a strong enough word. Think of it like this…take all the passion your fee for the new woman now and multiply it by a factor of ten but in a negative direction. In other words, if you lose your marriage to this new intense emotion, the result will be a much stronger emotion of sadness, regret, wishing you hadn’t done it, and longing for the life you could have had.

      We’ll help if you are willing to let us. Send us an email to Johnny.Cardwell@MarriageHelper.com or call him toll free at 866-903-0990.

  2. Chesca says

    I’ve been in love/involved with a man who lives with his ex wife for over ten years now.
    At first my four children were part of the relationship, for the last 3 years they think I stopped seeing him, yet I’ve kept it a secret from everyone.
    I’m almost 40 years old and hes 50, we’re both continuing to fulfill our obligations to our separate households, but it’s wearing on us keeping it as a “love affair”. We’ve both tried to walk away from one another, always finding our way back to one another.
    It’s an emotional, mental, spiritual not just physical bond we have for one another.
    What do we do?

    • Joe Beam says

      Chesca, a man who continues to live with his ex-wife for ten years isn’t likely to leave her at all. You say you have a strong bond – and I do not doubt you feel that – but how strong is his bond to you if he continues to see you only in secret and keeps living with another woman.

      I’m not saying he’s a bad man…I don’t have a clue who he is and likely never met him…but this man has two women and that isn’t a good thing. He gets something from her or he wouldn’t be there. He gets something from you or he wouldn’t continue the secret relationship.

      If you continue in this relationship, you’ll most likely wake up some day to discover you’ve wasted years that you could have had with a man who wants only you.

  3. Jane says

    I have worked with my coworker for 12 years and I have been married for 11 yrs to my husband. Out of those 12 yrs my coworker and i have had a relationship for 5 yrs. The problem is that I have fallen in love with my coworker. We have been through it all together. But my husband is the perfect man and has not done anything wrong. I’m so confused because I don’t know who to choose.

    • Spencer Sutton says

      Jane, I have asked Joe to give you some feedback on this post. I’ll put it up here and notify you when he’s done that. Something that I would offer – think about your belief and value system. If your belief and value system says that your marriage commitment it important and that you would not want to break this commitment that you made before God, friends and family, then your choice is clear. We understand that acting on that belief and value system is easier said than done. If you would like us to help (without judgement), feel free to give us a call at 866.903.0990

    • Joe Beam says

      Jane,

      One of the hardest, yet most crucial, aspects of life we learn is that you sometimes have to let go of one thing to have another.

      If you continue as you are now, you run the risk of losing both men. I’ve seen it happen so many times…a person waffles, wanting one while married to another. Things like that can go on for a while but eventually some little error brings it all to light and then things get bad quickly. If a part of you thinks that would make things easier because if your husband divorced you, you could be with your coworker, think again. So many, many times I’ve seen that scenario played out. And so many times I’ve seen the paramour walk away when his/her lover finally became available in every way. You see, it’s one thing to be “in love” when that requires little to no commitment and altogether another when one faces the knowledge that he is the cause of a marriage ending. That guilt can quickly erode the positive emotions. Also, having a few years of relationship that was clandestine carries its own sort of intrigue that immediately ceases when the other person gets divorced. In short, those “dream” relationships very often evaporate under the clear light of day when a family falls apart.

      I urge you to make a life choice consistent with who you really are – consistent with what you believe and value. You say your husband is “perfect” and hasn’t done anything wrong. You made a commitment when you married this man and, as you point out, he doesn’t deserve to be cheated on…either emotionally or sexually.

      Save yourself future pain by doing the right thing now. If we can help, we will gladly do so.

  4. Josh says

    I have cheated on my wife with one night stands and now she is in love with someone else she recently met. She tells me that he understand her, listens to her and is just a good person. She filed fit divorce two months ago but we decided to work on it but she finally decided she was done. I want everything to save our marriage because I know deep down we love each other but can’t seem to make it work. Wet have three kids and I don’t with everything in me nit to create a broken home. What can I do?

    • Joe Beam says

      Josh,

      My heart breaks for you. The situation you describe is much more than I can address here in a few short paragraphs.

      As you know, your situation is bad. However, it is not necessarily hopeless. Is there anyone that your wife respects who is willing to intervene and ask her to consider saving her marriage. If so, please ask them to do so. Then find a very, very good counselor that your wife will trust and the two of you can work with. If your wife is willing to make only a brief effort and will not commit to seeing a therapist, consider our Marriage Helper 911 workshop. It isn’t the “be all end all” that will automatically save your marriage, but our statistics are very good.

      One other thing that may be of great help to you is the video I recently did helping spouses such as you understand what is happening in your wife’s mind and heart as she is in this affair. You can find it here http://bit.ly/1l0rpNT

      If you are a religious man, I suggest you pray intently.

      Finally, be strong. Don’t whine, beg, or plead. Nothing about that makes you attractive. Make it clear you wish to save your marriage, but don’t demonstrate panic or fear. Be the man she fell in love with.

  5. Donna says

    I have been married for 5 1/2 yrs but with my husband for 10 yrs. He was divorced with 2 kids. We had twins together. Right before we married he had an affair. I believe it happened before. I lost that “prince charming” feeling. Then I became a slave in the house and overworked with 2 jobs to keep up with his child support and alimony. He was very selfish. I met someone 2 years ago. The man I met has had drug, alcohol and legal issues in the past, but I fell for him HARD and can’t seem to break it off. I am a caretaker. But I fell for the man inside of the mess. My husband is the opposite but has clingy issues and we never agree on things. I know if i leave him I will end up with a mess. But why can’t i end this long term love affair???

    • Spencer Sutton says

      Donna,

      We understand that there is something that has kept you with this man when it seems he is not necessarily your type. If you want to better understand your situation and the appropriate steps you can take to end this relationship and fall in love with your husband again I will give you two options we have for couples like the two of you:

      Our 3 day workshop for marriages in crisis is phenomenal and has a 75% success rate even when one spouse is ‘madly in love’ with someone else. You can find more information here – http://www.marriagehelper.com/marriage_seminar.php

      If you are not able to join us for one of the workshops, we also have a new five part video series called Decision Point for spouses who have been unfaithful. You can find out more about this here – http://my.marriagehelper.com/decision-point/

      I hope this helps – spencer

    • says

      Donna,

      You state that you are a “caretaker.” That can be a good thing. It also can be a bad thing, as you already know. When your husband had the affair you stayed because you still saw primarily the good in him – what you call the “Prince Charming” feeling. When it became clear that he is selfish and that you had to take care of all the housework and hold two jobs just so he could pay alimony, you allowed that to occur. When you met the new man, you see the troubles of his past and say that you cannot break it off because of your caretaker nature.

      It doesn’t take a psychologist to see that you, Donna, very likely would benefit from learning how to love and respect yourself. If you WANT to hold two jobs to help out a man you love, that’s fine. But you seem to indicate that you don’t want two jobs, that you feel as if you are a slave, and that you resent your husband’s selfishness.

      No wonder you fell “hard” for the new man. Yet, you say that the reason you cannot break it off with him is because you feel a need to take care of him. It seems that you suspect that your major attraction to the new man is not just to find freedom from what you have, but perhaps another chance to rescue another troubled man.

      Actually, both of those motivations will work against you in the long run.

      First, if you went with the new man just to escape the husband, you may well wake up one day to realize that you weren’t so much drawn to the new man for who or what he is, but for what he represented to you. Freedom. BUT, you already sense that his past struggles may not mean freedom at all. It may be that you move from the proverbial frying pan into the fire.

      Second, if you move into another relationship or marriage because of your need to take care of someone, you aren’t looking to find fulfillment in who you are but in what you do. It almost seems as if you need to prove your worthiness or your right to be loved by having someone who needs you to take care of them. If you continue in that vein, your life is likely going to be one miserable relationship after another.

      If you want to learn to love well, and to be loved in a way that brings true happiness, learn first to love yourself. You don’t have to be a caretaker or prove your value to be lovable.

      Therefore, rather than moving to the “mess” you say will come if you leave your current husband for the other man, find the help to focus on your own well being that exists whether there is someone for you to take care of or not. When you learn to love you, you very likely will stand up to your current selfish husband and be strong enough to stop working two jobs and no longer be a slave to support his selfishness.

      You already know his weaknesses and strengths. You see mostly the good in the new man, yet your statements indicate that there is a nagging in the back of your brain that being with him would present another set of problems that may be worse than what you have now. Rather than hoping the new relationship will help you find happiness, I strongly urge you to move away from that man – yes, I know it will be difficult and that you are so much needing affirmation that you would feel great pain if you stop seeing him – and find the help to get you where you need to be with yourself.

      Though I am not a prophet, I fear that if you continue with the new lover, your self-esteem and need to feel loved for who you are rather than what you do will become even a greater problem and happiness will elude you for years to come.

      When you find the way to love yourself – truly love you in a good way – you can then do what it takes to make your current marriage be what it should be.

  6. says

    I married young, and we are almost to year five. Recently, another woman has captured my heart. Right now, the latter relationship is platonic; flirtatious at most. But it may be headed toward more. I do not want to violate my marriage vows/divorce. On the other hand, I want children and my wife, at bottom, does not. This other woman does, and just today we looked longingly together at another happy family.

    • says

      Tom,

      Wanting children and having a wife who doesn’t is a major problem. If you do not find a way to resolve that, the underlying resentment can (and usually does) build to a level that can destroy a relationship and leave each person bitter. Therefore, I understand that as a conflict of massive proportions if it isn’t solved.

      However, unless I’m badly mistaken, that isn’t the reason you wish to leave your wife – at least at this point in your life. You want to leave her because you have allowed yourself to fall in love with another woman.

      Could your wife’s resistance to children be a factor in making you vulnerable to another? Absolutely. But my guess is that isn’t the main reason. I don’t have the space or time here to explain how one falls in love with another person than his spouse, but I think I can give you the quick outline…

      You became friends.

      Your friendship deepened as you gradually began to share more about your lives, your dreams, your fears, and even those things about yourselves that hardly anyone else knows about.

      At some point you began to feel that she understood you like no one ever has…that you can talk to her about anything…that the connection you two have is beyond what most people ever have and that it may be that no one else has ever felt the way you do about each other. You reached a point of emotional connection that you don’t know how to describe it to others because you doubt anyone else has ever felt this way.

      Though you didn’t set out to compare her with your wife, eventually you did. You see your lover’s attributes. You find yourself seeing primarily your wife’s flaws. As time passes, those flaws take even larger meaning to you and you’ve come to believe that you should never have been with her.

      Any of this sound familiar so far?

      Now things that are valid – such as your differences about children – have become so much larger and stronger motivations to you than they were even before. They loom so big that you cannot imagine staying with your wife. What you wanted before from her is now available from your lover. The beliefs and values that kept you with your spouse are fading and your desire to be with your lover is growing stronger at a rapid and amazing rate.

      So, how does it end?

      If you leave your wife and go with your lover, the intensity that you feel now – the emotions that both you and she expect to last happily ever after – will eventually fade. You can still care about each other, but the amazing sensations you feel now will inevitably erode into something different. When finally that happens, you will see that she is flawed as well. Everyone is. You. Your lover. Your wife.

      And that’s when your lover and you will begin finally to understand what you’ve given up to have each other. You will look back on the beliefs and values that you once held dear that you violated to have her. And, if you are like the vast majority, you will come to regret your abandoning what you once held dear.

      You definitely have a problem with your wife that needs to be resolved. As long as you are involved with your lover, you won’t.

      These are two separate problems. To be able to face the future with high regard for yourself, solve your problems with your wife. After you deal with that, then make a decision about your lover. As long as you are putting your lover first, you cannot make a decision about your lover that you will be happy about ten years from now.

  7. Thomas says

    My marriage of 29 years has never been the marriage that I dreamed of. I find myself to be more of a father-figure to my wife than that of a husband. I have never liked this role. My wife and I have had many discussions about this before. For all these years, I have just accepted the way things are. I can’t accept it anymore.

    I met a lady online 8 months ago. She seemed really nice and intelligent. We have been really good friends and can talk about anything. We have shared so much between us and it has turned out to be a beautiful friendship. For that, I am very grateful! But in the last month, a very strong attraction of ‘more than friends’ between us have developed; we have been having an emotional affair. She seems to be a perfect match for me, and she is everything that my wife is not. We are supposed to meet in person for a few drinks soon.

    I am very afraid of what can happen when we actually meet. I can see how this situation could go really bad, really fast. She is everything that I could ever want in a partner, BUT I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially my wife. I have to admit that I am torn right now, not knowing what to do. Should I pursue my happiness with this other person or should I stay in this less than adequate marriage and acknowledge the fact that it is all just a dream.

    Deep down, I don’t want to be married to the one I am married to. But I certainly don’t want to be the cause of my wife’s sadness either. The temptation is there. I never thought it was possible, certainly not possible for me. But here I am.

  8. carmen says

    I have been married for ten years. My husband and I have had many issues in our marriage. For the last three years I have connected with a man I met when I was 15 years old. I talk to him everyday on fb. I have fallen madly in love with him. He lives in Boston and me Toronto. I often fall asleep thinking of him. The problem is I’m married and I have a daughter who loves her dad much. I feel so stuck and just want to cry.

  9. nadine says

    Im married for 16 years. I dont feel a connection to my husband anymore. I got in contact with an old guy friend and I think we have fallen in love. My husband cheated on me 6 months before our marriage although that was years ago. The feelings and connection with my friend is amazing I feel we were meant to be together. My husbands knows of the affair and I have no contact with my friend but its killing me, I miss. Cant leave my mamarriage because we have financial commitment and a 10 year old daughter.. any advice im confused and torn.

  10. blessing says

    I love my husband but recently we have misunderstandings we never agreed on anything he is calling so much asking many questions he doesn’t trust me I have never cheated on her I don’t know what is the problem then during this misunderstandings I met someone he is so caring loving throughout this thing with my husband I’m falling in love with him I don’t know what to do I don’t want to destroy my marriage please help.

  11. feeling stuck says

    Its really embarrassing to actually say this, but here goes…
    I have been married to my husband going on 5 years. We weren’t together but just a few weeks when he asked me to marry him. We were in our upper teens when we got married. Within our first year of marriage he had talked to another woman online and I caught him up in it. I let it go and tried to work it out with him, after all it was just our first year. So a few months later I got pregnant with our baby girl. I thought everything was getting back to normal. My trust for him was finally starting to build back up. Til one evening I got on his phone and came acoss a text message to his best friend saying that he was gonna get ‘some’ from someone else. I found a fake facebook he had created with a fake name, but he told women who he really was. I hacked into the email he had used and seen that he had been talking sexually to multiple women that knew him and I was married. I also found out that the messages dated back to almost a year ago. I let all that go and once again tried to forgive and forget. But my feelings for him were slowly starting to fade it seemed. We recently moved out of town due to a new job he got. Just in a couple weeks of living in our new town, I was introduced to a friend he had years ago. We hit it off and became good friends. We started talking and im not sure how it came up but we told each other we liked each other. We started eventually texting and he started coming over and just hanging out while my husband was working. Things to physical fast. We talked about our feelings and he knows what had happened in the past with me and my husband. We did end up going all the way but we talked and said that we need to both slow it back down. I am just so torn on what to do with my marriage. Every kiss and every touch puts thoughts from the past into my head. I wonder everyday if more went on other than what he has told me. I don’t want kisses from him anymore. I feel out of love with him. Our daughter is 2 now and I feel like if I was to leave it would destroy everything. Our new house and his new job. And his friend ship with the other man. I honestly feel stuck like im obligated to stay. And I feel like of I was to leave I would end up with nothing. He doesn’t show me that he loves me. I dont feel pretty anymore with him. This other guy has made me feel so good and he has done everything and said everything that a woman wants to hear. As of now him and I are just in a friendship but it makes me wonder what would happen if I was to leave my husband. Would I be making a mistake or is this other guy truly the one for me.

  12. Bella says

    I am 30 years old, have been married for 6 years this past July, my husband and I have a beautiful 5 year old. I came across this site because I am searching for solutions to my problems currently. I met my husband in church, due to the marriage processes in our church, we never had a chance to properly get to know each other better. So in a space of 7 months we got married. My marriage was averagely good, I fell pregnant on my honeymoon night, so immediately after the wedding I was pregnant. I had my daughter and after that my husband and I were heavily involved in our church ministry. Beginning of last year my husband resigned from work and went back to university to study full time, as a result we do not see each other except for weekends and school holidays. When he went back to school, I started realising that I married a complete stranger, we had never spent real time together before we got married and with the baby and the ministry we were always busy, so when he went back to school I started realising just how different we were. I truly am not even show if I love or ever loved him, or my whole marriage was out of family and church pressure. I do not blame anyone because I was old and am responsible for my own choices. Now I have recently met someone, who is the world to me, I do not ever recall being this happy in my life before. We share the same passions, we laugh together, his presence in my life has changed me. I have told my husband before that I don’t think I can ever love him the way he does me, I told him how I felt about marrying young and for all other reason besides love. Besides having met someone now, I was already trying to find means of leaving my husband. I feel I am very unfair to him because I really do not love him the way he loves me. I believe that there is someone special out there for him to love him and cherish but that person is not me. How can I walk away without hurting our daughter, our families, our church. I do not wanna leave my husband for this new love, I want to leave him because I don’t love him

  13. Broken says

    My situation is a bit more intense. 4 years ago I reunited with an ex boyfriend, in which case we exchanged numbers and immediately started communicating. The catch 22 here is, it is my husband friend as well. We have been seeing each other for 4 years and during that time he has gotten married and had a child. Even with his union, we still have not stopped seeing each other. He tells me he is in love with me. Not sure if I believe him. As for me all I do is think about him. I think he is the first person I have ever been in love with. I say that because I don’t think I have ever felt this way about my husband. I have tried to end it so many times and find myself right back with him days later. I don’t know what to do anymore. I cry so much over this. Cry over hurting so many people if we ever get caught. Cry over loving him, when all I want is to fall in love with my husband. Don’t kmow what to do

  14. AnonymousC says

    I’ve been married for almost 10 years, and our marriage has never been consistently “good.” I’ve pondered divorce several times, but we have two young children and I’ve stuck around for them. Over the 10 years my husband has been extremely jealous and possessive, even when there wasn’t a reason to be that way. I’ve been hit twice, he’s had several druken rage episodes, and I’ve been called every name in the book. Three years ago, I caught him texting an ex of his – they texted literally 24 hours a day, for 30 days before I caught him. I stayed with him and I have never held it over his head. At the time, I had become detached from our marriage and was just going through the motions, so I completely understood how he got to the point of reaching out to someone else. Our marriage was “good” for a few months after that, but of course we end up going right back into a bad spot. It’s just a constant roller coaster – most of the time I don’t even like him, much less love him. We got married after dating for 30 days (stupidest thing I’ve ever done), and I’ve always thought we never should’ve gotten married.

    16 months ago a friend and I started texting and over the period of a few weeks it led to talking, then finding time to see one another, etc. It never went beyond kissing, but I fell for him so fast. I won’t go into all the details – it was just a wonderful friendship/relationship and for the first time in over a decade, I really connected with someone. He was going through a separation at the time, and since then, his ex and I have actually become “email friends” – I knew her beforehand, but she and I oddly connected after everything came out. We still email and check on one another, provide advice, etc. So, yes, we got caught – it was a perfect opportunity for me to get out of my marriage, but I didn’t because of my kids. My issue now is – it’s been 16 months and I still think about him nonstop. Our “relationship” ended so abruptly with no contact or finality to how things ended. I eventually reached out so we could discuss things, and since then, we’ve communicated periodically. Feelings are still there, but I’m not available so we will not put ourselves in a situation to hurt people again. I feel stuck. If I leave my husband, it honestly will not be FOR the other guy – it will be because my marriage sucks and has always sucked, but I’m sure my feelings for the other guy do not help my cause.

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