I’m Married But In Love With Someone Else


You probably never meant for it to happen. It’s not as if you went looking for a lover.

However, once you fell in love with another person than your spouse, things got rather intense. You’re already in what some refer to as an emotional affair. Perhaps you’ve gone further and the relationship has turned physical.


It may be difficult for you to know exactly how you got into this situation. Some are honest enough with themselves that they know step-by-step how everything came to be as it is now. Others have more difficulty, their mind confused because what they are doing is so contrary to what they believe and value. Some feel that God sent them their soul mate. Others blame it on their spouse’s actions or lack of actions.

Underlying vulnerabilities very likely made the new relationship possible. Highly revered marriage researcher John Gottman writes in his book The Marriage Clinic:

…many clinicians…have been quick to point out that ‘affairs involve sex, but sex is usually not the purpose of the affair’…In fact, most clinicians who have written in this area report that affairs are usually about seeking friendship, support, understanding, and validation…they are about getting the acceptance that is missing in the marriage.”

My work with thousands of couples in crisis indicates that this is exactly the case. Relationship affairs – as opposed to the one-night-stand type of affairs that are wholly about sex and not at all about relationship – usually find root in a person’s feeling unloved, unaccepted, disliked, or disrespected. That doesn’t mean that the person necessarily went looking for affirmation and validation from someone else. However, when it came, it captured his/her heart.

Maybe you describe this new relationship similar to the way others I’ve worked with:

  • “I’ve never been loved like this.”
  • “No one understands me as well as he/she does.”
  • “This is the person I was meant to be with.”
  • “I can’t explain how this feels because I don’t think anyone else can understand it. It’s intense. Amazing. Wonderful.”

Most likely your desire is not to hurt the person you’re married to, but rather to live in this new level of love that you never knew existed. You don’t mean to harm family, friends, coworkers, church buddies, or anyone else. Your desire is to have, not to hurt. (There may be an exception to that if you feel that your spouse has been unkind or hurtful. If so, that degree of negativity toward your spouse probably increased its intensity after your affair began.)


You have four potential paths before you:

1. Stay in your marriage while continuing a relationship with your lover,

2. leave your marriage for your lover,

3. end the affair yourself,

4. or your lover ends it.

Each possibility carries consequences. Short-term consequences and long-term consequences. If you choose short-term, you may decide to end your marriage for your lover. The intensity of your present emotions may make that the choice that seems most likely to make you happy. However, there are long-term consequences that will come with that choice. Consequences involving your family, your children, your friends, your religion, your personal beliefs and values, and your spouse. If you think that being with your lover more than makes up for any difficulties in these areas, you aren’t alone. Nearly everyone who makes that decision figures that because of the deep love they now feel, everything balances out in the end.

Unfortunately, it rarely, if ever, turns out that way.

Your emotions are intense now, but they won’t be forever. Within a couple years, if not before, you’ll discover that the Cinderella or Price Charming you’re in love with isn’t quite as wonderful as you think. In the ecstasy of new love people overlook flaws, quirks, and problems in the other. When that emotions evolves, as it must and will, you’ll start to be bothered by things that never bothered you before. You will discover that Cinderella and Prince Charming exist only in fairy tales. All the rest of us are flawed and at times hard to live with.

Repeatedly those who left their spouses for a remarkable love come to me after a few years and say they wish they could do it all over again. This time they wouldn’t abandon their marriage but would figure a way to work out their problems. They would not expect their children NOT to be negatively affected by the divorce. They would look deeper into their hearts to see that their beliefs and values are part of their very identity and realize that to live in contradiction to them would lead them to become someone quite different than they were. They would admit that there is never a “happily ever after” and that leaving one relationship for another is trading one set of problems for another.

In short, they would have stayed in the first marriage and done all they could to make it work.


Though logic doesn’t reign for you at this moment, please attempt to silence your emotions temporarily to see past the feelings into your future. What do you honestly, at the deepest level of your being, expect it to be ten years from now if you abandon your marriage, maybe destroy another in the process (if your lover is married as well), and violate your core beliefs?


Based on my observations of and work with thousands of people, I can tell you from a purely logical, statistical, vantage point, that it is extremely unlikely.

If you wish to learn how to overcome the deep emotion you currently feel for your lover and find the way to have a fulfilling marriage with your mate, we can help. Our success rate over the last decade is more than 75% for those who attend our workshop in Nashville, TN. We’ll do all we can to help you have the best future. One that is full of love rather than regret. Please get more information by completing the form below or by calling us at (866) 903-0990.

Get More Information On Our Marriage Helper 911 Workshop.

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  1. Ed says

    Hi…thanks for the info. I been married for fifteen years. I have strayed online and met a woman I am falling in love with. I am stuck between rock and a hard place. I want this woman so bad!
    Shes from another country and wants to fly here to be with me.
    I don’t want to hurt anyone but my wife and I have been on rocky road for a while. I have two children also.

    • Spencer Sutton says


      We understand your situation because we see it everyday at Marriage Helper. As you have probably already discovered, you’re in a tough spot because I’m guessing your belief and value system is telling you to stay with your spouse while you intense emotions (we know this as Limerence) are trying to convince you this woman is the best decision.

      My advice is to give us a call at 866.903.0990 and let us talk to you about it. And if possible, we would love to see you and your wife at one of our workshops for marriages in crisis. You can find more information under ‘Marriage Help’ on our main menu.

      In the next couple of weeks we will also have a great video series that Joe put together for spouses in your situation. It will be extremely valuable in your decision making process. Let us know how else we can help!

    • Joe Beam says

      Ed, I understand the intense emotion that you feel for this woman. I also know how in nearly every case these situations turn out. You indicated you have a great deal of passion for the new woman and I don’t doubt that you do. However, it will not last in the same form it is now. It never does. Passion always fades. When it does, people look around and wonder what happened…how they gave up so much for this new relationship that seemed to be the ideal…and how that beautiful dream evolved into a nightmare.

      More than 20 years experience working with couples tells me that if you pursue this new woman and lose your wife of fifteen years, you will come to regret it. Actually, regret isn’t a strong enough word. Think of it like this…take all the passion your fee for the new woman now and multiply it by a factor of ten but in a negative direction. In other words, if you lose your marriage to this new intense emotion, the result will be a much stronger emotion of sadness, regret, wishing you hadn’t done it, and longing for the life you could have had.

      We’ll help if you are willing to let us. Send us an email to Johnny.Cardwell@MarriageHelper.com or call him toll free at 866-903-0990.

      • kenya says

        Hi, I’ve been with my kids father for 20 year.I have been seeing this guy for 7 months now, I’m 38 and he’s 28 alot younger than me but he makes me feel wonderful. I don’t want to let him go. I don’t know what to do…..

  2. Chesca says

    I’ve been in love/involved with a man who lives with his ex wife for over ten years now.
    At first my four children were part of the relationship, for the last 3 years they think I stopped seeing him, yet I’ve kept it a secret from everyone.
    I’m almost 40 years old and hes 50, we’re both continuing to fulfill our obligations to our separate households, but it’s wearing on us keeping it as a “love affair”. We’ve both tried to walk away from one another, always finding our way back to one another.
    It’s an emotional, mental, spiritual not just physical bond we have for one another.
    What do we do?

    • Joe Beam says

      Chesca, a man who continues to live with his ex-wife for ten years isn’t likely to leave her at all. You say you have a strong bond – and I do not doubt you feel that – but how strong is his bond to you if he continues to see you only in secret and keeps living with another woman.

      I’m not saying he’s a bad man…I don’t have a clue who he is and likely never met him…but this man has two women and that isn’t a good thing. He gets something from her or he wouldn’t be there. He gets something from you or he wouldn’t continue the secret relationship.

      If you continue in this relationship, you’ll most likely wake up some day to discover you’ve wasted years that you could have had with a man who wants only you.

  3. Jane says

    I have worked with my coworker for 12 years and I have been married for 11 yrs to my husband. Out of those 12 yrs my coworker and i have had a relationship for 5 yrs. The problem is that I have fallen in love with my coworker. We have been through it all together. But my husband is the perfect man and has not done anything wrong. I’m so confused because I don’t know who to choose.

    • Spencer Sutton says

      Jane, I have asked Joe to give you some feedback on this post. I’ll put it up here and notify you when he’s done that. Something that I would offer – think about your belief and value system. If your belief and value system says that your marriage commitment it important and that you would not want to break this commitment that you made before God, friends and family, then your choice is clear. We understand that acting on that belief and value system is easier said than done. If you would like us to help (without judgement), feel free to give us a call at 866.903.0990

    • Joe Beam says


      One of the hardest, yet most crucial, aspects of life we learn is that you sometimes have to let go of one thing to have another.

      If you continue as you are now, you run the risk of losing both men. I’ve seen it happen so many times…a person waffles, wanting one while married to another. Things like that can go on for a while but eventually some little error brings it all to light and then things get bad quickly. If a part of you thinks that would make things easier because if your husband divorced you, you could be with your coworker, think again. So many, many times I’ve seen that scenario played out. And so many times I’ve seen the paramour walk away when his/her lover finally became available in every way. You see, it’s one thing to be “in love” when that requires little to no commitment and altogether another when one faces the knowledge that he is the cause of a marriage ending. That guilt can quickly erode the positive emotions. Also, having a few years of relationship that was clandestine carries its own sort of intrigue that immediately ceases when the other person gets divorced. In short, those “dream” relationships very often evaporate under the clear light of day when a family falls apart.

      I urge you to make a life choice consistent with who you really are – consistent with what you believe and value. You say your husband is “perfect” and hasn’t done anything wrong. You made a commitment when you married this man and, as you point out, he doesn’t deserve to be cheated on…either emotionally or sexually.

      Save yourself future pain by doing the right thing now. If we can help, we will gladly do so.

  4. Josh says

    I have cheated on my wife with one night stands and now she is in love with someone else she recently met. She tells me that he understand her, listens to her and is just a good person. She filed fit divorce two months ago but we decided to work on it but she finally decided she was done. I want everything to save our marriage because I know deep down we love each other but can’t seem to make it work. Wet have three kids and I don’t with everything in me nit to create a broken home. What can I do?

    • Joe Beam says


      My heart breaks for you. The situation you describe is much more than I can address here in a few short paragraphs.

      As you know, your situation is bad. However, it is not necessarily hopeless. Is there anyone that your wife respects who is willing to intervene and ask her to consider saving her marriage. If so, please ask them to do so. Then find a very, very good counselor that your wife will trust and the two of you can work with. If your wife is willing to make only a brief effort and will not commit to seeing a therapist, consider our Marriage Helper 911 workshop. It isn’t the “be all end all” that will automatically save your marriage, but our statistics are very good.

      One other thing that may be of great help to you is the video I recently did helping spouses such as you understand what is happening in your wife’s mind and heart as she is in this affair. You can find it here http://bit.ly/1l0rpNT

      If you are a religious man, I suggest you pray intently.

      Finally, be strong. Don’t whine, beg, or plead. Nothing about that makes you attractive. Make it clear you wish to save your marriage, but don’t demonstrate panic or fear. Be the man she fell in love with.

  5. Donna says

    I have been married for 5 1/2 yrs but with my husband for 10 yrs. He was divorced with 2 kids. We had twins together. Right before we married he had an affair. I believe it happened before. I lost that “prince charming” feeling. Then I became a slave in the house and overworked with 2 jobs to keep up with his child support and alimony. He was very selfish. I met someone 2 years ago. The man I met has had drug, alcohol and legal issues in the past, but I fell for him HARD and can’t seem to break it off. I am a caretaker. But I fell for the man inside of the mess. My husband is the opposite but has clingy issues and we never agree on things. I know if i leave him I will end up with a mess. But why can’t i end this long term love affair???

    • Spencer Sutton says


      We understand that there is something that has kept you with this man when it seems he is not necessarily your type. If you want to better understand your situation and the appropriate steps you can take to end this relationship and fall in love with your husband again I will give you two options we have for couples like the two of you:

      Our 3 day workshop for marriages in crisis is phenomenal and has a 75% success rate even when one spouse is ‘madly in love’ with someone else. You can find more information here – http://www.marriagehelper.com/marriage_seminar.php

      If you are not able to join us for one of the workshops, we also have a new five part video series called Decision Point for spouses who have been unfaithful. You can find out more about this here – http://my.marriagehelper.com/decision-point/

      I hope this helps – spencer

    • says


      You state that you are a “caretaker.” That can be a good thing. It also can be a bad thing, as you already know. When your husband had the affair you stayed because you still saw primarily the good in him – what you call the “Prince Charming” feeling. When it became clear that he is selfish and that you had to take care of all the housework and hold two jobs just so he could pay alimony, you allowed that to occur. When you met the new man, you see the troubles of his past and say that you cannot break it off because of your caretaker nature.

      It doesn’t take a psychologist to see that you, Donna, very likely would benefit from learning how to love and respect yourself. If you WANT to hold two jobs to help out a man you love, that’s fine. But you seem to indicate that you don’t want two jobs, that you feel as if you are a slave, and that you resent your husband’s selfishness.

      No wonder you fell “hard” for the new man. Yet, you say that the reason you cannot break it off with him is because you feel a need to take care of him. It seems that you suspect that your major attraction to the new man is not just to find freedom from what you have, but perhaps another chance to rescue another troubled man.

      Actually, both of those motivations will work against you in the long run.

      First, if you went with the new man just to escape the husband, you may well wake up one day to realize that you weren’t so much drawn to the new man for who or what he is, but for what he represented to you. Freedom. BUT, you already sense that his past struggles may not mean freedom at all. It may be that you move from the proverbial frying pan into the fire.

      Second, if you move into another relationship or marriage because of your need to take care of someone, you aren’t looking to find fulfillment in who you are but in what you do. It almost seems as if you need to prove your worthiness or your right to be loved by having someone who needs you to take care of them. If you continue in that vein, your life is likely going to be one miserable relationship after another.

      If you want to learn to love well, and to be loved in a way that brings true happiness, learn first to love yourself. You don’t have to be a caretaker or prove your value to be lovable.

      Therefore, rather than moving to the “mess” you say will come if you leave your current husband for the other man, find the help to focus on your own well being that exists whether there is someone for you to take care of or not. When you learn to love you, you very likely will stand up to your current selfish husband and be strong enough to stop working two jobs and no longer be a slave to support his selfishness.

      You already know his weaknesses and strengths. You see mostly the good in the new man, yet your statements indicate that there is a nagging in the back of your brain that being with him would present another set of problems that may be worse than what you have now. Rather than hoping the new relationship will help you find happiness, I strongly urge you to move away from that man – yes, I know it will be difficult and that you are so much needing affirmation that you would feel great pain if you stop seeing him – and find the help to get you where you need to be with yourself.

      Though I am not a prophet, I fear that if you continue with the new lover, your self-esteem and need to feel loved for who you are rather than what you do will become even a greater problem and happiness will elude you for years to come.

      When you find the way to love yourself – truly love you in a good way – you can then do what it takes to make your current marriage be what it should be.

  6. says

    I married young, and we are almost to year five. Recently, another woman has captured my heart. Right now, the latter relationship is platonic; flirtatious at most. But it may be headed toward more. I do not want to violate my marriage vows/divorce. On the other hand, I want children and my wife, at bottom, does not. This other woman does, and just today we looked longingly together at another happy family.

    • says


      Wanting children and having a wife who doesn’t is a major problem. If you do not find a way to resolve that, the underlying resentment can (and usually does) build to a level that can destroy a relationship and leave each person bitter. Therefore, I understand that as a conflict of massive proportions if it isn’t solved.

      However, unless I’m badly mistaken, that isn’t the reason you wish to leave your wife – at least at this point in your life. You want to leave her because you have allowed yourself to fall in love with another woman.

      Could your wife’s resistance to children be a factor in making you vulnerable to another? Absolutely. But my guess is that isn’t the main reason. I don’t have the space or time here to explain how one falls in love with another person than his spouse, but I think I can give you the quick outline…

      You became friends.

      Your friendship deepened as you gradually began to share more about your lives, your dreams, your fears, and even those things about yourselves that hardly anyone else knows about.

      At some point you began to feel that she understood you like no one ever has…that you can talk to her about anything…that the connection you two have is beyond what most people ever have and that it may be that no one else has ever felt the way you do about each other. You reached a point of emotional connection that you don’t know how to describe it to others because you doubt anyone else has ever felt this way.

      Though you didn’t set out to compare her with your wife, eventually you did. You see your lover’s attributes. You find yourself seeing primarily your wife’s flaws. As time passes, those flaws take even larger meaning to you and you’ve come to believe that you should never have been with her.

      Any of this sound familiar so far?

      Now things that are valid – such as your differences about children – have become so much larger and stronger motivations to you than they were even before. They loom so big that you cannot imagine staying with your wife. What you wanted before from her is now available from your lover. The beliefs and values that kept you with your spouse are fading and your desire to be with your lover is growing stronger at a rapid and amazing rate.

      So, how does it end?

      If you leave your wife and go with your lover, the intensity that you feel now – the emotions that both you and she expect to last happily ever after – will eventually fade. You can still care about each other, but the amazing sensations you feel now will inevitably erode into something different. When finally that happens, you will see that she is flawed as well. Everyone is. You. Your lover. Your wife.

      And that’s when your lover and you will begin finally to understand what you’ve given up to have each other. You will look back on the beliefs and values that you once held dear that you violated to have her. And, if you are like the vast majority, you will come to regret your abandoning what you once held dear.

      You definitely have a problem with your wife that needs to be resolved. As long as you are involved with your lover, you won’t.

      These are two separate problems. To be able to face the future with high regard for yourself, solve your problems with your wife. After you deal with that, then make a decision about your lover. As long as you are putting your lover first, you cannot make a decision about your lover that you will be happy about ten years from now.

  7. Thomas says

    My marriage of 29 years has never been the marriage that I dreamed of. I find myself to be more of a father-figure to my wife than that of a husband. I have never liked this role. My wife and I have had many discussions about this before. For all these years, I have just accepted the way things are. I can’t accept it anymore.

    I met a lady online 8 months ago. She seemed really nice and intelligent. We have been really good friends and can talk about anything. We have shared so much between us and it has turned out to be a beautiful friendship. For that, I am very grateful! But in the last month, a very strong attraction of ‘more than friends’ between us have developed; we have been having an emotional affair. She seems to be a perfect match for me, and she is everything that my wife is not. We are supposed to meet in person for a few drinks soon.

    I am very afraid of what can happen when we actually meet. I can see how this situation could go really bad, really fast. She is everything that I could ever want in a partner, BUT I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially my wife. I have to admit that I am torn right now, not knowing what to do. Should I pursue my happiness with this other person or should I stay in this less than adequate marriage and acknowledge the fact that it is all just a dream.

    Deep down, I don’t want to be married to the one I am married to. But I certainly don’t want to be the cause of my wife’s sadness either. The temptation is there. I never thought it was possible, certainly not possible for me. But here I am.

  8. carmen says

    I have been married for ten years. My husband and I have had many issues in our marriage. For the last three years I have connected with a man I met when I was 15 years old. I talk to him everyday on fb. I have fallen madly in love with him. He lives in Boston and me Toronto. I often fall asleep thinking of him. The problem is I’m married and I have a daughter who loves her dad much. I feel so stuck and just want to cry.

  9. nadine says

    Im married for 16 years. I dont feel a connection to my husband anymore. I got in contact with an old guy friend and I think we have fallen in love. My husband cheated on me 6 months before our marriage although that was years ago. The feelings and connection with my friend is amazing I feel we were meant to be together. My husbands knows of the affair and I have no contact with my friend but its killing me, I miss. Cant leave my mamarriage because we have financial commitment and a 10 year old daughter.. any advice im confused and torn.

  10. blessing says

    I love my husband but recently we have misunderstandings we never agreed on anything he is calling so much asking many questions he doesn’t trust me I have never cheated on her I don’t know what is the problem then during this misunderstandings I met someone he is so caring loving throughout this thing with my husband I’m falling in love with him I don’t know what to do I don’t want to destroy my marriage please help.

  11. feeling stuck says

    Its really embarrassing to actually say this, but here goes…
    I have been married to my husband going on 5 years. We weren’t together but just a few weeks when he asked me to marry him. We were in our upper teens when we got married. Within our first year of marriage he had talked to another woman online and I caught him up in it. I let it go and tried to work it out with him, after all it was just our first year. So a few months later I got pregnant with our baby girl. I thought everything was getting back to normal. My trust for him was finally starting to build back up. Til one evening I got on his phone and came acoss a text message to his best friend saying that he was gonna get ‘some’ from someone else. I found a fake facebook he had created with a fake name, but he told women who he really was. I hacked into the email he had used and seen that he had been talking sexually to multiple women that knew him and I was married. I also found out that the messages dated back to almost a year ago. I let all that go and once again tried to forgive and forget. But my feelings for him were slowly starting to fade it seemed. We recently moved out of town due to a new job he got. Just in a couple weeks of living in our new town, I was introduced to a friend he had years ago. We hit it off and became good friends. We started talking and im not sure how it came up but we told each other we liked each other. We started eventually texting and he started coming over and just hanging out while my husband was working. Things to physical fast. We talked about our feelings and he knows what had happened in the past with me and my husband. We did end up going all the way but we talked and said that we need to both slow it back down. I am just so torn on what to do with my marriage. Every kiss and every touch puts thoughts from the past into my head. I wonder everyday if more went on other than what he has told me. I don’t want kisses from him anymore. I feel out of love with him. Our daughter is 2 now and I feel like if I was to leave it would destroy everything. Our new house and his new job. And his friend ship with the other man. I honestly feel stuck like im obligated to stay. And I feel like of I was to leave I would end up with nothing. He doesn’t show me that he loves me. I dont feel pretty anymore with him. This other guy has made me feel so good and he has done everything and said everything that a woman wants to hear. As of now him and I are just in a friendship but it makes me wonder what would happen if I was to leave my husband. Would I be making a mistake or is this other guy truly the one for me.

  12. Bella says

    I am 30 years old, have been married for 6 years this past July, my husband and I have a beautiful 5 year old. I came across this site because I am searching for solutions to my problems currently. I met my husband in church, due to the marriage processes in our church, we never had a chance to properly get to know each other better. So in a space of 7 months we got married. My marriage was averagely good, I fell pregnant on my honeymoon night, so immediately after the wedding I was pregnant. I had my daughter and after that my husband and I were heavily involved in our church ministry. Beginning of last year my husband resigned from work and went back to university to study full time, as a result we do not see each other except for weekends and school holidays. When he went back to school, I started realising that I married a complete stranger, we had never spent real time together before we got married and with the baby and the ministry we were always busy, so when he went back to school I started realising just how different we were. I truly am not even show if I love or ever loved him, or my whole marriage was out of family and church pressure. I do not blame anyone because I was old and am responsible for my own choices. Now I have recently met someone, who is the world to me, I do not ever recall being this happy in my life before. We share the same passions, we laugh together, his presence in my life has changed me. I have told my husband before that I don’t think I can ever love him the way he does me, I told him how I felt about marrying young and for all other reason besides love. Besides having met someone now, I was already trying to find means of leaving my husband. I feel I am very unfair to him because I really do not love him the way he loves me. I believe that there is someone special out there for him to love him and cherish but that person is not me. How can I walk away without hurting our daughter, our families, our church. I do not wanna leave my husband for this new love, I want to leave him because I don’t love him

  13. Broken says

    My situation is a bit more intense. 4 years ago I reunited with an ex boyfriend, in which case we exchanged numbers and immediately started communicating. The catch 22 here is, it is my husband friend as well. We have been seeing each other for 4 years and during that time he has gotten married and had a child. Even with his union, we still have not stopped seeing each other. He tells me he is in love with me. Not sure if I believe him. As for me all I do is think about him. I think he is the first person I have ever been in love with. I say that because I don’t think I have ever felt this way about my husband. I have tried to end it so many times and find myself right back with him days later. I don’t know what to do anymore. I cry so much over this. Cry over hurting so many people if we ever get caught. Cry over loving him, when all I want is to fall in love with my husband. Don’t kmow what to do

  14. AnonymousC says

    I’ve been married for almost 10 years, and our marriage has never been consistently “good.” I’ve pondered divorce several times, but we have two young children and I’ve stuck around for them. Over the 10 years my husband has been extremely jealous and possessive, even when there wasn’t a reason to be that way. I’ve been hit twice, he’s had several druken rage episodes, and I’ve been called every name in the book. Three years ago, I caught him texting an ex of his – they texted literally 24 hours a day, for 30 days before I caught him. I stayed with him and I have never held it over his head. At the time, I had become detached from our marriage and was just going through the motions, so I completely understood how he got to the point of reaching out to someone else. Our marriage was “good” for a few months after that, but of course we end up going right back into a bad spot. It’s just a constant roller coaster – most of the time I don’t even like him, much less love him. We got married after dating for 30 days (stupidest thing I’ve ever done), and I’ve always thought we never should’ve gotten married.

    16 months ago a friend and I started texting and over the period of a few weeks it led to talking, then finding time to see one another, etc. It never went beyond kissing, but I fell for him so fast. I won’t go into all the details – it was just a wonderful friendship/relationship and for the first time in over a decade, I really connected with someone. He was going through a separation at the time, and since then, his ex and I have actually become “email friends” – I knew her beforehand, but she and I oddly connected after everything came out. We still email and check on one another, provide advice, etc. So, yes, we got caught – it was a perfect opportunity for me to get out of my marriage, but I didn’t because of my kids. My issue now is – it’s been 16 months and I still think about him nonstop. Our “relationship” ended so abruptly with no contact or finality to how things ended. I eventually reached out so we could discuss things, and since then, we’ve communicated periodically. Feelings are still there, but I’m not available so we will not put ourselves in a situation to hurt people again. I feel stuck. If I leave my husband, it honestly will not be FOR the other guy – it will be because my marriage sucks and has always sucked, but I’m sure my feelings for the other guy do not help my cause.

  15. Bryan says

    Hi, I was married to my former spouse for 6 years have one child with her and i got remarried a year after our divorce now also with a child with my new spouse…I have felt that my first marriage ended for selfish reasons, i had just returned from being deployed overseas and felt i wanted to be alone when i came back i was’nt myself. I ended the marriage. I met my now spouse a few months after we separated i felt it was what i needed at the time now being married to her i feel i made a huge mistake and she does not make me feel the way my former spouse made me feel. My former spouse is not remarried, although she has expressed that she wish things could have been different and would have worked through the prior marriage. I find myself looking for things in my spouse now that I saw in my former spouse and i’m always remembering how she made me feel and what my spouse now does not make me feel. I’m in a pickle and i do not know what to do. Do what’s right and stay in the marriage? Or just end the marriage and be honest with her although i would like a chance with my former spouse i would spend time alone thinking about my life and how quickly things spun out of control.

  16. Nycole Barton says

    My husband and I met very young and now we’re married. Have been for two years and now have a child together. I lost my virginity to him and feel like I owe my life to him. I love him, but I’m in love with somebody else. It hasn’t gotten physical, but it has gotten emotional and spiritual to the point where he’s in my dreams and I see my husband as the problem, but he’s done nothing wrong. And I think it’s just the attention and affection I’m getting from my “lover” getting to me emotionally… But I feel in my soul that I love this man and not my husband. My husband doesn’t know any of this and I don’t want to hurt anybody… I don’t know what to do

  17. Nycole Barton says

    It was good advice, but I’m still stuck. I’m a military wife and I have a 1y/o daughter. The other man I’m in love with I have known for a long time and I know almost everything about him. As we became friends, I fell more in love with him. I’m also 21 and feel like I married too early. My husband is a good man, but he has a dark past that is starting to shine through finally.. His persona is becoming more violent and inpatient, especially towards our daughter. We’ve talked about it, but nothing has changed. And when the other guy is around, he spoils my daughter and plays with her!! She loves him!! So I’m torn horribly! I don’t wanna give up on a marriage, but I’ve tried to fix the flaws for years and I’m tired of trying all by myself. Love works both ways, and with the other man- it’s true. I don’t know what to do at all.

  18. Caroyn says

    I’ve been married 29 yrs! With never feeling like I was in love but doing what I should do, put up with a lot of crap from my husband- cussing me, lying, n cheating, flirting. 13 yrs ago was accused of touching a woman whom they were running around together but she got mad n went public with it- causing problems at our church n hueting me n our children, shortly after that we were working things out, although I wanted a divorce- but pastor n people told me work it out- we switched churches, n I started falling in love with a minister- I left the church, 13 yrs later I still love him- now more than ever want to be with him!! He is divorced almost 10 yrs, our paths cross all the time, we talk via text n phone – Godly things- but I am head over heels- n want to be with him- recently left my husband, but he wouldn’t leave me alone- he made some changes we did counseling, n we r trying to make it work- but I just want to run away n be with this other man!! Please help!! Don’t want to sin either!! But feel guilty- because of my feelings for this other man- can’t stop thinking n wanting him!! Please help!!

    • John says

      You have only recently left your husband It is too soon to start a ‘relationship’
      With this man
      You need to get to know yourself without that distraction first If you are meant to be with you it will happen
      You don’t even know iff this man feels the same It is a fantasy at the moment A distraction from your unhappy marriage
      Reality with him would be different from the imagination
      All the best John

  19. sara says

    So many stories, so many people going through similar situations…

    Married for 10 years, mostly unhappy. I’ve never been a priority to him and no amount of talking/fighting about it ever changed anything. We have a 7 year old son, and until very recently they barely had a relationship. I met someone this summer and my feelings for him are growing stronger by the day. I honestly know that it won’t work out between us, but the feelings he has awakened in me have made me realize how unhappy I’ve been. I want to leave my husband – not for the new man, but for me.

  20. Melissa says

    Well I can’t exactly say that I’m married but I have been with the same man for over 8 years now. My significant other hasn’t been able to work for over 5 years now. There was a time that I couldn’t imagine a day without him but things have changed. Now to give you a bit of insight into my current relationship the reason he hasn’t been able to work is because he deals with a lot of different mental illnesses. I have been here standing by his side through all of it. He is constantly telling me how if it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t be alive right now. With his friends and his family I am constantly being thanked and being praised for how strong I am to stand by his side for everything. And it is true I am strong but I don’t think I’m as strong as everyone is making me out to be. Which brings us to a little while ago when in enters someone from my past. This guy from my past let’s call him Sweetheart I’ve known for a few years longer then I have my significant other. Sweetheart has seen me at my worst and even though we were only friends he always made sure I was ok. It was clear right from the day we met that we shared some pretty intense feelings for one another. We never got our shot due to one or both of us being in other relationships. Eventually I made the decision that I needed to try and move on from sweetheart and shortly after that is when I met my significant other. Sweetheart and I lost touch almost 5 years ago but there wasn’t a day that I didn’t wonder how he was doing or if he was happy with his significant other. Sweetheart coming back into my life has made me realize that I haven’t been happy for awhile. I care deeply for my significant other I just don’t feel like I’m in love with him. Now don’t get me wrong my significant other can be a good guy but most of the time he treats me as if I don’t really exist. I’m thinking part of the reason why is because of his mental illnesses but I don’t believe that is the full reason. My significant other despite many conversations with him in regards to how I’m being treated never changes. And then last week he started paying more attention to me … which fits the normal pattern (every time I start to really think about our relationship and if I should just do what I feel is right for me and end things my significant other does a 180 and starts treating me the way I have always longed to be treated). With Sweetheart it’s different. Especially since he has come back into my life. Now I’ve been trying to do the right thing and sort out all my feelings towards my significant other before thinking of anyone else, but I couldn’t control it. I love Sweetheart I always have we just have never had the chance to be together. And I know Sweetheart loves me as he has told me a few times since coming back into my life. Which brings us to tonight. Sweetheart proposed to me. I didn’t say yes but I couldn’t say no either. I just told him that now wasn’t the right time, that I needed the time to figure out what I need to do for me and that I hoped he understood. I know that hurt Sweetheart and I hated hurting him like that. I just couldn’t say yes … not while I’m still in a relationship. I just hate this situation I’m in. I’m in love with Sweetheart and when I think of the future he is in it. I’m just worried that if I end things with my significant other he will finally end up committing suicide (again he is always telling me I’m the reason he is still alive). A part of me thinks that it’s just his way of making sure I never leave but a part of me worries that he will actually try to end his life if I end things with him. Any advice is appreciated.

  21. Jana says

    My husband starting talking to an acquaintance from high school in Feb 2014 It has quickly escalated into an emotional affair. they are on facebook day and night. She is jealous of me yet when I try to make them see each other (she lives 6 hours away and is married too) Unhappily supposedly she told my husband he is her soul mate sends him inspirational messages everyday. My husband says he is in love with her but loves me and never intended to leave. She says it would tear her heart apart if he left his children. I dont know what to do. She says she is a woman of Jesus on her Facebook. She wont let him go. My husband says he loves me but wont look me in the eye and yes we still have sex. He used to be such a good man. Please I need advice. They won’t stop He is also going thru midlife.

    • Bob says

      First, an affair with an ex, even emotional, is a different animal. it isn’t about the newness, its about something you either don’t bring to your husband or something about himself he isn’t being true to when with you. Find it, and maybe it can help. Don’t drop the midlife crisis crap. If you had said ‘transitioning to another phase of life’ it would be more believable. We each move through three major phases in life. If you aren’t feeling one, and he is…you are growing apart! Good luck.

  22. Anon says

    My husband and I have been married only a little over a year. He was 25 when we got married and I was only a month away from turning 19. We only dated 9 months before getting engaged and waited another 9 months before getting married. In hind-sight we rushed it . I never really felt a burning passion for my husband and never really expected to. He was and is someone I look up to and ultimately feel comfortable with . I wouldn’t say I am in love with him, however, I want him in my life … But not so much as a lover . The problem is and I have talked andthiught through these feelings a hundred times and every time they get more and more confusing …I have two guys who love me deeply …one of whom I care for , but I feel is holding me back from a lot of things I want to do in my life (though he tries to support them) and the other? Well he’s my best friend who wants me to go out and be myself as well as to do those things with me . I would NEVER leave my husband for this other guy,that’s just stupid…but I have realized I feel held back and am not sure if I am where I should be … I tried to leave my husband explaining this … But I couldn’t stand to watch him cry or for him to completely leave my life . I tried discussing a break or separation (I know it is unfair of me to ask him to wait) but each time I have to watch him cry and decide to not go through with it and hold onto the emptiness and pain I feel … I don’t know what to do .. I need him in my life … But the only way he wants to be in my life is as my husband …he really has been trying .., we are even looking at counselors .., please help

  23. April says

    I am a hard worker, smart, detail oriented and a successful person. This created an enemy for me at work and caused it to be horrible as he is a manipulator and used to effect on peoples opinions about me, until I met him. We have lots of common, in our core values, but he is married and I took him as a friend. I was happy to be able to be his friend and for 2 years we were, until I got engaged!
    My x guy now, was bad news and I end up ending it, after 11 months. He was a shell and once his mother “a war machine” in the picture, it is all down to hell road. I was emotionally hurt, broken, exhausted and it was horrible. On top of that, my friend, took a step back and was away. I was deeply hurt by his distance but I thought he is giving me a space. I honestly had a thing for him since ever, but I never look at married men! It is a no situation. Now after broken my engagement slowly my friend came back and I welcomed him.. He then chose to tell me he loves me.
    I see it, the process you talk about in ALL .. how a man get a friend and thinks she get him in all. I do but I don’t know if I am unique in it, we just had this acceptance since ever and I agree, with him I am more open and accepting because I love him “real love”.
    I told him he has a wife and kids, a family he said was always enough and he was accepting life and happy with it. He shouldn’t do this. It created a huge problem for me and at times I became weak and told him I had feelings too. [which was a mistake]

    I was broken and fragile and just in the worst times, and he didn’t see my best interest and just told me how he feels. In a way his love, made be heal better, but it also hurt me a lot. We were platonic, not even flirting but the comfort and level of connection we had, made me feel bad. I told him we have to face it, this is NOT good. I know we did nothing wrong but say: I love you but that can make “everything I feel for him is wrong” and I can’t do it to myself. He also was regretting telling me big times.

    We have a great friendship and we can be blunt, totally honest and still love each other. We have a “real love” connection, or at least I do. I love for him to be happy, to live his life happy and I believe it is “something” he misses, or have that made him do this! I do want to help him and I am actually glad I can see it, heal my wounds and say finally he is not the man of my life and though I love him a lot, though I would take him if he was single, he is not and I am not going there.

    We are still friends, good ones but how I will know he is not still doing it wrong? How can I help him repair his life ‘because he is a friend, a mentor, a brother, and lots to me” and I want him happy. I am a positive person and I love caring and giving, naturally.

    I easily forgive and that’s why I forgave him, even though everyone tell me he is a bad news and I should never be his friend. I don’t see it this way and he is truly good, and he know he made a mistake and I love having him in my life. Most people know him from me speaking of him, so I can’t count on those to be fair.

    I know I will not make a mistake but I want to ensure he doesn’t live his life unhappy. I know he can have it all! Can you help ? We are not in USA, and come from Indian/Turkish background.

    I should say at times I believed he is my other half, we are different but totally the same. He still says I complete him and we have this huge level of understanding. I can understand him from his eyes before I knew him to this level and we had a sense of we met before “familiarity” since we first met. It is like we have the same core, in two personality and when we were friends I used to joke, we must be twins! Because we do have a spiritual connection “which is the first thing that connect us” like my soul recognised his soul and harmonise with it. And with him I have no fears, and feel totally safe. I never had that before but I also accept now it is not limited to him.

    I wonder also if I should stop being friends with him ? If it is harmful for me ? for him ?
    I would hate that but I am OK to do it if it is needed. I want to do the best for me and him. Thank you

  24. Tebogo says

    I got married to a woman without 2 weeks after we agreed to date while inlove with some else its now 4yrs in marriage and i am still inlove with the other person.

    Our marriage has been on the rocks eversince we got married, thought by now things would be okay but tgey are not.
    I no longer know what to do cause even when we being intimate i see the other woman.

  25. Britt says

    Hi.. I’m 22 and recently got married to a 33 year old. We’ve only known each other for 6 months. I was in a relationship for 2 years with a sweet person but we were having problems. The 33 year old stepped in and showed me a moment of happiness. I took that feeling and ran with it because I haven’t felt that way in a long time. However that was a big mistake! I was sold a dream and a fantasy. I am having more problems than ever before. I’m still in love with my ex… the feelings are mutual. But I caused so much hurt and pain. We were suppose to be getting married this year. But I was so broken and so weak. I’m not happy. I need help. I feel like I’m settling.

  26. says

    I been married 26 years. We both married young. I was 22 he was 25. On our wedding night we fought. Since my Dad was not around growing up. I think my husband was a father figure…many years later I meet a guy we just text for years. Then I fell for him. Just wondering why he doesn’t talk to me anymore. Just were friends or was it more. My marriage to my husband is fighting all the time. I think we grew apart overtime. Don’t know what I should do. Helpless…

  27. dawn says

    I’ve been married for twelve years and have three kids. During the twelve years, I gave 100% of me to my spouse. He had been both verbally and emotionally abusive for pretty much the whole time with some nice days here and there. I begged cried and pleaded for him to please stop being mean, ignoring me, disrespecting me, walking on me, hurting me in every way imaginable except physically. A year ago I started talking to a man online and while at first we were friends, about six months ago, we realized we were falling for each other. Three weeks ago I told my husband I was done because I couldn’t take it anymore. Now he is crying and pleading with me to stay and he’s sorry and will do whatever it takes to change and save our marriage. If I’m honest, I don’t want to save it. It’s been a long painful road and I’m having trouble forgetting what he has done to make me put up the wall I now have. I don’t expect anything to happen with my online guy but the thought that there is love out there that will build me up and I will be equal and loved, makes me want to find it. I need help. I’m battling guilt of wanting to give up but honestly, I don’t know how to fight for something that’s meant so much to me and nothing to him and now it means everything to him. I’m having trouble. Please, any advice helps.

  28. confused says

    Help me please I am so confused. I have been married to my husband for just one and a half years but recently I started a new job and now I find myself in love with one of my colleagues who is also married with a young child he tells me every day that he loves me too but I don’t know what to do now. When I am around my colleague I feel happiness like I have never felt before he means so much to me and the thought of not having him in my life is unbearable but I also do not want to be the cause of my husband having a broken heart my husband has told me on 3 separate occasions without any knowledge of what is going on “if you want to end this its no problem for me” but I can’t seem to bring myself to walk away. Please give me some advixe.

  29. Samantha says

    Hi my name is Samantha I am 20 yeara old my husband and I were married for almost a year been together for 3 years but he was deported back to Mexico and is not able to come back legalized, me and my husband been threw thick and thin together, im his first serious relationship and his first love and he is my guy i would do anything for that i love to death, we had a still born, we have been threw hell to be with eachother but its jus at the point were i cant. Take it anymore the long distance relationship, and the fighting, the fighting gets to the point were we both get physical and its really bad, i started to see an person i use to work with and started growing attached and he is wanting me to leave jorge completely bc this guy is like inlove with me does anything for me, me my husband arent together but i do still say i love you and i do, i still will do anything for him but i jus cant take the fighting anymore, i wasnt getting treated the way i wanted to, and he didnt show me he loved me when we were out in public he wont hold nothing… I don’t know what to do!!! Help i love my husband but he wont change i told him millions of times about what i want…. Helppp

  30. Fred Winther says

    Been married over 34 years and we’re not compatible sexually. I’ve tried my best to work this out. I love touching, feeling, caressing, hugging and kissing. My wife just lays there like a corpse and will not have oral sex either. I’ve known this married co worker at my job for over 30 years and I’m in love her her and the feeling is mutual but both of us have been faithful up until now. We’re both in our 60’s . My heart aches for love. I want to be her right now. Just don’t know what to do. Can’t wait to go to work on Monday to see her. It’s very depressing to say the least. I want our bodies to be one.

  31. lora says

    Hi I’m lora ..I been married 8 years from now…but after he bring me here at usa..he changed. ..he want me to work hard so I can pay him back what he use or spend money to bring me here .and he said if I want to support my family to I need to have work.so I just fallow what he said.and if I need money for my food or for my personal need it..he just give me 30$ for 1 month buget. ..so I thinking a lot every nite..he not give me what I need.I just thinking it’s better to stay without him…so In my work I meet a nice guy he give me everything I need and I’m so happy to stay with him…now I’m staying with him about 2 years from now but I’m still married to my husband but he don’t know I’m staying with other guy ..he just know I staying with some friends..so maybe somebody can give me a good advice .what is the good to do.

  32. Denise says

    I’ve been having an affair for about 2 years now.
    Been married to my husband for 14 years with 2 preteens.
    My husband and I dated off and on since Highschool and decided to marry in our 20’s . We carry a lot of pain from our past. From the hurtful things we did to eat other as teenagers. Seems our past will alway haunt us. It always comes up in arguments. I have found him cheating 2-4 times since we’ve been married. I feel like I’ve always had to be the strong on to hold our family down.
    My husband is a great father and provider. Just really bad about verbally respecting me and the pain a carry from him stepping out of our marriage is everlasting .
    3 years ago I decided I had enough when I found out he once again cheated. Because financial reasons we lived under the same roof but was separated . I started to emotionally move on. Started going out with the ladies and enjoying myself. I was out one night and ran into my ex that I haven’t seen in 14 years. Someone I was madly in love with in the past. (We broke up because I got pregnant with my 1st born and I wanted to do the right thing and marry my baby’s father/ high school sweetheart. I wanted a family more than anything.) He was single. Just out of a relationship as well. So we exchange numbers that night. Short story, became friends again . Was helping each other thru our break ups and feels started back right where they left off. We got together one night and it was a night full of passion.
    We have the best relationship . Talk , respect , romance and it feels like we truly know each other.
    Except about a year ago, my husband decides to ” change” . He pledes me back. And I thought I would leave this passionate guy who took my heart alone. But I just couldn’t.
    So I told my husband I broke it off with him. And kept doing what I do with the other guy on the side. In the back of my mind I thought my husband was just going to fail. But I’ve been wrong.
    It’s been 2 years and he’s become the perfect husband that I’ve always wanted him to be! He’s everything I want!
    Except I think I’m in love with the other guy.
    I can’t keep living two lives!! Something needs to change and I really need o make a decision on what I want. Guy number 2 is wanting more from me now. And all anog I’ve been lying to him and saying I’m still separated from my husband and just roommates to help financially! And I’m sure my husband must be thinking something . It’s just a matter of time!!
    I’m just lost!! I don’t know what true love really is and which one is lust. I do truly care for both men.
    So confused!!

  33. Elle says

    I married my husband six years ago. We became friends because he was socially marginalized and I’ve always been drawn to befriending the vulnerable. I did not love him at the time of marriage, but decided to get married because (1) in the ten years preceding my marriage, my parents had become increasingly derisive about my age and the need to settle down, and (2) my husband was the first man I slept with. The Sunday-school girl in me felt tremendous guilt and thought marriage would appease the guilt.

    My husband is a good person. I respect his strong sense of honor and responsibility. Unfortunately, he’s also very pessimistic. I’ve joked with him that if the optimist says the glass is half and the pessimist says the glass is half empty, my husband will say, “the glass is half-empty, there are fingerprints on the glass, both the water and the glass cost too much, the light in the room is too dim that you can’t see the water clearly and in any case the water probably tastes terrible because the world is overpopulated and humanity has been polluting the streams for thousands of years.”

    He also has deep insecurities. In the seven years I’ve known him, he hasn’t had any friends. In time, I’ve also become increasingly isolated because I’m embarrassed to take him to events. He will not undertake any potentially confrontational tasks such as car purchasing, mortgage discussions, utility connections, tax filings, or anything that involves third parties. He will, however, want to thoroughly debrief the matter after I’ve reached a resolution and offer a critique my solution. His insecurities may also contribute to performance anxiety, but we have a sexless marriage, no kids, and he believes mid-thirties are too old to have kids now.

    I care about him a good deal and want to love him. I’ve organized numerous dates, couple activities, and vacations to “kindle” (not re-kindle) the romance but it inevitably ends with me feeling frustrated. I feel like I spend considerable time and money arranging activities which he invariably finds fault with.

    About three years ago, I realized how vulnerable my marriage was when my male colleague called about a work issue and we ended talking late into the night. I could joke and debate with my colleague without worrying about hurting his feelings and it was a relief to not feel emotionally drained after a conversation. I enjoyed the conversation so much that I continued to have long phone discussions for three months before my guilt became such that I changed jobs and asked my husband to attend marital counseling with me. He refused because of the expense and his strong belief that counselors are no-value-add-money pits.

    A year ago, I met another man. Again, it was a relief to talk to someone and not feel emotionally drained. Again I struggled with a considerable degree of self-loathing for months. I’m consider divorce. It’s very difficult to consider departing from my Christian beliefs, hurting a husband I care about, and disappointing my parents and friends. Nevertheless, I continue to consider divorce because of the hopeless sadness I feel when I contemplate walking through the remainder of my life with my husband and without even the consolation of children.

  34. Timi says

    I’m married for only four years now. I met someone during my temporary work assignment. And we’ve been together for 3 months. I came back to my country and he stays in that country where we met. Me and my husband already have issues before i met him. Now, its making me more confuse. My husband is a good man. But i dont think i love him anymore. I’m so inlove with the guy I met. I dont know what to do. I also have 1 kid. I need your advise.

  35. Ned says

    I wish I could call or attend one of your workshops, but I live overseas and I won’t be back for another year…if I come back at all, to be honest.

    I apologize for a long story but I feel I must tell it because I need help and have nowhere to go. I grew up in a very sheltered household as an only-child and went to an all-boys school up until college. I never interacted with girls at all until college. I joined a church and became very involved with it, and met a woman 5 years my senior and we dated for a little over a year and a half, at which point I discovered her visa would expire within a few months (she was an immigrant). Being inexperienced and afraid of the pain of a break up I decided we should get married, and for some crazy reason both of our parents gave us approval. It’s been almost 4 years since then. We were both students and during the entire four years we were essentially living off of student loan leftovers and support from parents. About two years into the marriage, I started to feel like maybe this was a stupid decision. I had zero dating experience and didn’t want to experience heartbreak, and in her culture there is a stigma against women who are unmarried and childless past 30. I think we both just latched on to whoever came our way. In addition to that, we have lots of issues. Every marriage has issues, but I don’t know if these can be fixed. Her family and friends drive me insane. They always have. There are other things she does that bother me, and I’m not perfect either. We can’t communicate openly with each other about these. When I try to discuss an issue I either get hostility and she explodes with the issues she has with me but for some reason never tried communicating, or she plays a pouting guilt trip and then giggles like a little kid when I take back what I said. On occasion she will recognize the issue and say she will work on it, but then never does or temporarily fixes it and relapses a short time later. She wants kids within the next 3 years, I’m not sure if I want kids at all, etc. I made a list of goods and bads in our relationship, and aside from her being kind and supportive, the list of bads is exponentially longer and a constant source of stress and irritation for me.

    Now we live separately due to work, and I feel our futures are going separate ways. My degree, qualifications, and language skill limit me to working overseas. I am unqualified to work in the US, and even if I were I refuse to because life is much better for me here (healthcare, etc.). My wife had planned on getting a degree and acquiring the language skill to work here with me, but that fell through and she cannot work here, and I will not be able to support her on one salary. When she visited for a month I could tell she really didn’t like it here as much as I did and she was quite irritable (it doesn’t help that there is a lot of hatred between her home country and the country in which I currently live). Her family recently opened a business in my hometown and that’s where she’s working now. My future is here overseas, and her future is back home with her family store.

    So here I am, wondering why I got married before getting my life together, perfectly content being alone here in a foreign country. I’ve made quite a few friends–male and female–but kept my guard up and I’ve never thought of any of my female friends as anyone I would consider dating even if I were single. And then I randomly met one girl and dropped my guard slightly (nothing physical), and within a couple of hours I felt like I had known this person my entire life. As if I had met her at some point in the past. At this point I’m totally confused because I’m not sure if the person I married was the person I was supposed to marry, and even though I know nothing good could come from this other person I met, it makes me feel as if there is someone else out here that I’m supposed to be with. But for some reason my wife isn’t unhappy with our marriage, despite the fact that if I were in her position I would have dumped me long ago, and while I’m not in love with her as a husband should be, I don’t want to hurt her. Even though I already have so many times.

  36. Bryan says

    My life has been one that has been controlled by fear and loneliness. I have always felt unloved and unwanted and fear of being alone has lead me into many relationships. I crave being talked to. I crave the intimacy of conversation and time spent together.

    When I first dated my wife all the red flags were flying in my mind. She is extremely introverted and damaged psychologically. I was extremely lonely in the dating period but married her because we had become sexually active and I was fearful no one would ever come to really love me for who I am.

    We separated our seven year of marriage because my loneliness within the marriage lead me to seeking relationship out of the home. After seven years apart and two short term relationships and her in four relationships I turned to religion and once more married my first wife. We have been together now 13 years and once again I am suffering mightily from loneliness. I have come to the point of almost hating her for leaving me so lonely. I want out of our marriage even if that means I never ever love again.

    I know people can’t and don’t really change. I made a terrible mistake by choosing a woman who cannot physically make herself talk to me. What pains me in this is there will once again be fear on my part. Fear of loneliness and fear of spending the rest of my life alone.

    Yet I cannot help but think by staying with her I will also rob her of ever being truly loved.

    I don’t care about the religious feelings toward me because I know longer attend church. I don’t want an affair because I know by experience that they do not last and you often lose both women.

    So, I don’t know what I expect you to say but I already know I will disagree with you. I have been suicidal for at least three years maybe up to six years because of loneliness. Staying with her will only strengthen my resolve to commit suicide. Leaving her a second time hurts like hell because it destroys me and rips my heart apart to hurt anyone.

  37. Sarah says

    I have been married for 3 years, but in the relationship for 11 and living together for 7. No kids. We met very young and moved in together when we were 18. I have been having an emotional /sexual relationship with a man for 4 years. Most of our contact is through skype, Facebook, and the phone because we
    live 1 1/2 hours away from each other and were both super busy. It started as just some fun, but the more we talked the more I fell for him. We have so much in common and share so many interests that my husband has no interest in. I have fallen completely in love with him. My husband is my best friend but mostly I think that’s all he is. The other guy has waited on me, but has recently gotten into a relationship with a girl. I have no idea how serious it is because we do not talk about it and frankly I don’t want to know. But nothing has really changed with us except I do not near from him all the time now. He has no idea that I do actually love him. My best friend who knows both of us thinks he’s trying to make me make a move, but I’m terrified. I’m glad I found this because this is the first somewhat article I’ve found about this. Mostly it’s people chastising those in my situation because of religious or guilt reasons. I just can’t imagine not talking to him and I don’t know what to do

  38. Steve says

    I’ve had a arrange marriage from abroad id relise id never love my wife in the first year though try to make it work. its now over 5 years still not working out, hence pretending it will. I have one child not sure what to do.

  39. hasti says

    5 years ago I cheated on my 4 years marriage. Since then every year I travel to where my boyfriend lives for 3-4 month to spend time with him. Each time that I came back to my husband, I tried to forget about my boyfriend, but I haven’t been able to. My boyfriend is not an easy person, sometimes we argue together, but we have a great sex , he has been waiting for 5 years that I get my divorce to marry me, but I feel so guilty to leave my husband. My husband is a really good man and he loves me a lot, but I have no sexual attraction toward him, and we have sex together every 1 or2 weeks. I am 43 and running out of time to get pregnant, but still I don’t know with who. My husband is very passive, type B personality and my boyfriend is very active type A personality. With My husband I am type A, and with my boyfriend I am type B that I prefer. With my husband I am my own boss, but with my boyfriend I’m not. It has been a long time that I am so depressed for the mistake that I made to cheat on my husband and ended up here that I don’t know whom to leave and this month is the last month that I have to decide. Please help me☹

  40. marko says

    Iv been married for almost 4 years, recently we seperated for 6 months and I met someone else who I feel is a better fit for my life. She has a great personality and very attractive, but I do still love my wife so I told her to come back home along with our 1 year old daughter. I tried leaving the other woman but something always keeps bringing me back to her. My mind tells me to stay with my family and work on our marriage but my heart tells me to leave and go with the other woman and live happily ever after. Only after reading so many things online statistics say it might not work out with the new woman..im so confused I dont want my daughter growing up to hate me and honestly there is nothing wrong with my wife.

  41. Shaz says

    I’m married for 3years and a month now. We were just almost 5 months in our relationship when i got pregnant. He’s 5 years younger than me. When i told him about the situation, he’s drawn back and almost left me. He said over and over again that he’s not ready to be married yet. However, because of my father’s health issues, i pursuaded him to just get married because my family values honor too much and my parents are conservative. He did not want to get married and i’ve cried and pleaded so much just for him to agree because i am afraid my parents would be so hurt if i ended as a single parent. My husband then, agreed but, he had asked me ways to deceived my family. He even asked if we could fake it. I was so hurt on the processed but I have told him, just gave me the favor and i’ll let him be free after some time. Just for my parents’ sake. After a meaningless marriage, we lived as if everything’s normal. But the only normal thing we did as a couple was having sex. We never connected emotionally. He’s just not the type who will listen and guide or support. He’s selfish. We lived with my parents. My parents supported us financially until I began working again 2 years ago to support our child’s needs. For the past three years, he was a student for a year and a half and was never with me and our kid more than a month straight. He visited us during weekends and go back to his parents on weekdays as he’s still studying. After that, he leave us for an ojt for a year. Im certain, he missed the growing up of our child. Now, our son is three years old and during those short times my husband had a strong bond with our child. Likewise with the kid who always asks for his father. And it seems, my husband forgot everything from the past and treated me good. At present, he’s away for his job hunting for almost 2 months now. However, during those years we’re married, my feelings for him were on and off. But i am more on off. Deep down, i always sees his flaws and uncapability and i always dream in deepest of me to be free from this “marriage”. I was always confused with him. I even remembered my ex and thought i was still inlove with him. I cried for my ex even i already have a husband. Now, Im talking to a guy online for a month now. And i developed a certain degree of attraction to him. But im not certain if the feeling is mutual. However, he said he likes me though im difficult. And we’re from different country and discussed about meeting personally. Im excited about the idea. I always thought about this new man. I even began writing to my diary again because i was alarmed that i felt so vulnerable with this stranger. Now, I know what we have or will have is a different concern and not the most important thing here. My confusion is about me and my husband. I really wanted to be free but i do not know how to start saying it to him. And my son, i dont want him to get hurt and drag to this hurtful situation. He loves his father so much. But i cant feel anything with my husband now. No connection at all. I even wished for him to find another woman so it wont “start” with me.

  42. Maria says

    I got married when i was 24 which was 3 and half years ago, we’ve been trough a lot with my husband. I will start with me. I think I have a problem with relationships in general because I get this emotional affairs ( nothing physical ) even in my previous relationships… So the story with my husband. Everything happened very quickly I fell in love and everything was perfect , however after one and half year of marriage something went wrong and we became very cold with each other its like we didnt care for each other and then he cheated on me. We split up for a while, then we decided to try and fix our relationship. We did it for a while (2 years ) and now Evrrything is repeating i found someone that I really like, he is smart and we click together perfectly however.. I’ve read all the comments and I know that this is just an emotional attraction and I will have different problems with the new guys as well, but still I don’t know what to do ? How do I fix this ? Is marriage all about fixing things all life. I really didn’t imagine it that way. What if this new guys is the man of my life and I am missing opportunity to be happy ;( I don’t want to make mistake and regret. But nothing seems right anymore.

  43. Ryan says

    Hi, my name is Ryan and I have been with my wife for 12 years now. I have been with her since I was 15 and we just got married a few months ago. In the 12 year I have never cheated on her or even thought about it. Our relationship is good but there is a problem. Back when I was in high school I had fallen for a girl in my class. We would talk on off and on but had no physical contact. We lost contact for a few years and in that time she had a kid and was in an unhappy relationship. We started talking again a few years ago still no physical contact and my wife (then girlfriend) found out. After she found out I stop talking to the girl and moved on. Well she is back and I have been talking to her again dally and I have been meeting with her here and there still not sexual contact but I can see it going that way. Due to this I have been shutting out my wife who is causing her to be more suspicious and causing us to fight a lot more. I fell like this girl is the girl I should have been with and I feel love for her like no other but I am struggling with is this real or is this because I’ve been in with my wife for so long and no one else and I’m just addicted to the “something new” I really feel like I love her but at the same time I don’t want to throw away everything and regret it. is this common and should I just end it as hard as it may be or if I love someone else is this a sign that maybe the girl I married isn’t for me.

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      Ryan, I understand how you feel, but that usually isn’t the case. There is no perfect relationship…every marriage has its own unique set of obstacles. Many people leave their husbands or their wives because stronger feelings pull them to another relationship…but when they get to that other relationship, the majority of the time it ends very badly. We have some great tools and programs on our website for situations just like yours. Don’t give up on your marriage yet…you don’t see the train wreck that could come of it now, but we have seen it at Marriage Helper thousands of times.

  44. PC says

    I have been with my wife for 17 years, and married for 10. We have a four year old son together. She is an alcoholic, pill popper, and suffers from depression. Her family sucks, and has always made her and our life very hard. We still love each other very much, but we’ve put each other through hell over the years. I fell in love with a coworker two years ago, and I’m still in love with her. She waited, and waited, and waited for me to leave my wife, and I’ve never been able to bring myself to do it, mainly because of our son. I don’t want to hurt him, and mess him up for the rest of his life! Now this other girl is finally dating someone new, and I may have lost her forever, and I’m so heartbroken I can barely function.

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      PC, as much as it hurts, the fact that your lover moved on to someone new is probably not just because you wouldn’t leave your wife and son. She probably would have moved on to someone new even if you had. I am sorry if that seems harsh, but we have seen it time and time again. I applaud you for staying in your marriage even when you didn’t want to, and even if it was only because of your son. It may seem cliche at this point, but it is not too late to make your marriage stronger and healthier and start treating each other with respect.

  45. Pavan says

    I am married for 23 years now, with a loving wife and 2 children..
    6 years before my marriage, I fell in love with a girl. It was love at first site. I used to wait for her every day, follow her upto to her college and back. She is to take a bus and go to her village 20km away. Sometimes I used to follow her upto her house on my mobike.
    I am from India. We are from different religion/castes. I tried to talk to her, but she would’nt respond…One day I went up to her house, only to find out she was getting engaged on that day. I was totally shattered and heart broken and felt, I can never get married in my life. The time was too short, probably 2 odd months, after I saw her.
    Some consolation was, she was to be married in a good family, so I felt happy for her. It was a hopeless situation for me caste wise, no job, no social standing, Indian social conditions, etc etc.,
    I never saw her afterwards and also I have moved away to another place. But she stayed in my heart and she will, till I die.
    Now in 2000, after 24 years or so, my friend called and put her on the phone. He is from her same village and married her friend (2nd marriage). I always used to think, I should somehow see her atleast once before I die and tell her, I truly loved her. But this phone call has given such happiness to me, I could not believe it. From that time, we kept in touch over the phone. Twice we have met, only to talk. She had a bad marriage, with 2 children. Her husband kind of sadist lives away. The connection is, only their property. We talk mostly about our children and my wife also.
    She suffers from kidney stones, some health problems…she falls ill and accident prone too. I keep sending her money whenever she says, she is ill.
    Gradually, I get a feeling, she only interested in me, because I keep sending her money and wonder if she care for my feelings…Really I don’t know…may be I am wrong.
    Whatever, it is not possible for me to take her out of my heart, as I truly love her. I never felt that feeling with anyone and never will…I still vividly remember the place I saw her for the first time and all the places I saw her, spoke to her and everything…Whatever she says, is very important to me and I simply cannot forget.
    I told my mother at that time when I fell in love with her and now, after I met her again. I made her to speak to my mother also… I am in different country now.
    I keep testing myself whether it is just an infatuation or lust, but it is true love and whatever she is and whatever she does to me, even If I don’t meet her again in my life again, I love her, love her till I die..
    I feel very guilty and painful. My wife loves me and cares for me a lot and she is emotionally attached to me. I take good care of her too and seeing her happy is my top priority. But I can’t understand and this feeling….
    After stumbling upon these blogs, thought I would write also.
    I really wonder if somebody is in the same strange situation and fighting like me…

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      Pavan, many people are in your situation. You are not alone. These articles are culminated from years and years of experiences with thousands of people. And we have seen the outcome of these situations. For those that stay with their wife, they can make their marriage better than it was before. For those who leave with their lover, we have never seen that relationship make it.

  46. Nicky says

    My situation is a little different from the previous posts in that I’m not married but I am engaged and I have a 3 year old son with another man. My son’s father and I had been friends for 7 years before we started dating and living together. Things seemed so great. We dated only a few months before we ended up pregnant. A few months after I became pregnant he kicked me out and wouldn’t talk to me or see me. We were arguing a lot so he felt that was the best solution. 8 months into the pregnancy he finally contacted me and said he wanted to be part of our childs life. At this point I had already started dating someone (my current fiance) and at this point my passion for this new man was strong (as expected in every new relationship). Also this new man has been there for me, my rock, my shoulder to cry on. Of course, like any relationship, we’ve had our share of problems. The biggest problem being that after 3 years of dating and having the marriage discussion he still hadn’t popped the question or asked my son and I to live with him. So I gave the ultimatum. He didn’t take me seriously so I I distanced myself from him for a couple of weeks. At this point he gave me a ring but his lack of proposal has always bothered me as I know the only reason he gave it to me was to pacify me (a Hail Mary if you will). I know this because I had to give him an ultimatum, distance myself, and now that we are engaged he won’t talk about the wedding or wedding plans. It’s been 6 months and we don’t even have a date set. My son and I now live in his house. The father of my child and I have gone through a really vicious custody battle, fights, and now are friends again. It took some time to get there and I lot of talking and forgiveness on both of our parts. I’ve always wondered if I should have waited for him and not moved on so quickly. I wonder if we would have worked it out and we would be the happy family I wanted. When I see my son and his father together, I am just in love. He’s so loving with our son. He’s such a great dad. I should mention that my fiancé is not great with my son. He has struggled to connect with him despite the fact that he was there for most of my pregnancy, was in the delivery room, and was with me the first 7 months of my son’s life before the father finally came around (due to custody battle the father wouldn’t see our son for quite some time just out of his own anger). My fiancé isn’t mean to my son or anything. He just doesn’t show the love, compassion or interest in my son that my son’s father does or that I’ve seen other step dads give. It really bothers me and we’ve talked about it more times than I can count. He always promises to get better but never does. I feel like a single mom living in his house as he not only doesn’t connect with my son but also rarely helps. I’ve learned to move on as he has helped with my son in other ways (mostly financial). He even paid for my custody attorney ($9000). He’s a really great person. He’s so good to me and even spoils me. He’s always loved me for who I am. He loves me unconditionally. He’s forgiving. He’s a hard worker. He was there for me when I had no one else. These and so many other reasons are why I wanted to marry him and pushed so hard to get him to propose. But now that I’ve had to push so hard I can’t help but feel less loved and this less in love with him. Actually, it makes me downright angry. I feel less attracted to him and we have almost no sex because of all of this. And yes, we’ve discussed it. He always promises to change and to do better but never follows though (not for more than a day or two anyway). I’m so sad because I feel my love fading fast for him and I feel my love for my son’s father growing. I don’t want to hurt my fiancé because he doesn’t deserve that. On the other hand, he’s not exactly trying. To make matters worse the father of my son and I got into a small arguemebt last week and he blurted out that he still loves me and wishes he hadn’t kicked me out. That he wishes that he had done things differently and that he wonders what would have happened if we had tried to work things out. He said that it bothers him that I moved on before we got the chance to find out. I was surprised that he felt this way (the same way I felt) considering the things he’s said and done during the custody battle. I assumed he hated me and was just being cordial and pretending to be friends for our child’s sake. So now here I am, engaged, unsure if my wedding day will ever come, living with a man who won’t love my son despite how important it is to me, who doesn’t want more kids even though I do, breaker of promises, man whom my love and desire for is quickly dissipating… Yet man who has always been there for me, loves me unconditionally, and who doesn’t deserve to be hurt. I’m sure a lot of women and men with children whose parent they didn’t work things out with feel something for that other parents. What I need to know is do I try to work on the issues in my current engagement and strengthen it and build it into a good marriage? If so, talking to him doesn’t work so what does a girl do to accomplish this? Or do I give my son’s father a second chance knowing that things will eventually fizzle down and that I may also find huge flaws in him and possibly regret leaving my current fiancé? I mean I already feel a sense of regret and what if in regards to my son’s father. But will it be worse when I’ve hurt my fiancé, decided that my childs father is also not for me, and then am alone wonder what of had done things differently? And most of all, I love my son and don’t want to ruin his father’s and my friendship especially since it took so long to get to this point. Because if things didn’t work out and we went head to head again, my son would suffer. I am a very emotionally aware person and I am also very open about my emotions. Even with that said, I’m unsure of how to get help and where to go from here.

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      Nicky, there seems to be a lot going on. I can’t address all the issues in this post, but I would recommend that you call and speak with our Marriage Helper representative. You can reach him at 615-636-8086. His name is Johnny, and he would love to speak with your more about what we can offer for you.

  47. Celeste says

    Hi, I’ve been married to my husband for almost 4 years and we dated for nearly 15 years before we married. I always wanted to get married but he was never ready for marriage until after I made physical changes to my body. I fell in love with someone else during one of our many break ups. Even though I married him I never let go of this other person and soon after I married my husband I started having an affair with this other man.
    I do love my husband but now I feel like I jumped on getting married when he finally wanted to! I believe he finally wanted to marry me cause he knew I would soon be snatched by someone else with my new confidence in myself. Now I’m contemplating divorce ? I’ve become very depressed to the point I would rather take sleep aids to avoid my husband and it’s making me sick. I’m unhappy with the person he’s become in our relationship. I feel like I made a huge mistake! Is it worth considering counseling?

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      Yes, you should definitely consider counseling and receive further help. There are many issues going on, and I would suggest that you understand what is going on with you and with your relationship before making any large decisions. We don’t do counseling, but we would like to help if we could.

  48. anant says

    Six months before I took decision to marry a girl of my parents choice because I could not tell my feeling to a girl whom I liked. I wanted to move on. My marriage was fixed with the girl which my parents chose, but I wanted to delay may marriage for about six months so that we (me and the girl chosen for me) know each other better before getting married. But her parents wanted the marriage to happen as soon as possible. I don’t know why? I talked to this girl and explained my concern and what I feel. I told her that we should spend some time together before getting married. She agreed at that time but she changed her mind after one day. She and her parents wanted to marry their daughter as soon as possible. But I insisted them that we must first know each other before getting married but in vain. They also pressurized my parents for early marriage through my grand parents. During this time me and the girl whom i wanted to marry became close. We realized that we are in love with each other, but under my parents and girls parents pressure (girl chosen by my parents) i married to the girl whom I didn’t love. Now I realized that I cannot live with the girl I have married because she is not my type and I don’t love her. What should I do? Please Help.

  49. James says

    I need help badly.. I met this girl in March this year and I can’t stop thinking of her still and it’s nearly next year we have never had sex but it’s not like we haven’t got to that stage we always get there and she always says she can’t do it. She has been with her bf since she was 13 years old she is now 22. I have spoke to her every single day since we first started speaking there has not been one day we haven’t gone without messaging or calling each other she tried to end it with her bf but her bf lives under the same roof as her and she lives with her parents I have tried to tell my mind to walk away but I can’t my heart beats too fast feel like am gonna be sick feels like someone has my insides and they are pulling them out. Every day I wake up I wish I am near her I get this feeling in my Adam’s apple when I try to tell her stuff like someone’s grabbing my throat the pain I have been mentally into this year is terrible I haven’t stopped fighting for her everyday because I no my future will be rubbish without her I would marry her tomorrow if I could she has the most softest lips ever and the most beautiful eyes I just want to be with her

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      James, what you are describing are definitely signs of limerence. You didn’t mention whether or not she is married or if you are married. I suggest that you look at some of the articles on the website about limerence.

  50. Autumn says

    I’ve been with my husband for almost two years now. We only knew each other for about 6 months before we got married. I do love him and I know he would do anything for me but there’s something missing. The sex isn’t as romantic as it use to be and some days I just really don’t want to spend time with him. I look forward to going to work so I can spend time without him. But, about 2 months ago I met this guy that comes into my work everyday, a few times a day and he’ll even stick around while I close at night. And that just leaves me and him, alone, in a somewhat dark building. At first I thought it was sweet and i felt safe with him there but then we started flirting and now all I can think about is being with him. I look forward to going to work bc I know I’ll see him. And at the end of the night I hate to leave him. I know I don’t love him but I know there’s something there. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s something I can’t have? But my husband is no longer the guy I think about when I go to bed or the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. It’s the other guy. This other guy makes me so nervous, in a good way. I stumble over my words, I get butterflies every time he walks through the door and I just have the biggest smile on my face when he’s around. If I’m having a bad night, just seeing him for a minute turns everything around.
    We’ve talked about all of this and he says he feels the same way. But nothing can happen bc I’m married and he is in a relationship. I just wish this feeling would go away. And when I find out that he isn’t working the next two or three days I get disappointed but relieved at the same time bc I think since I won’t see him for a few days then these feelings will probably subside but they never do. They seem to only get stronger. I haven’t felt like this since I believe I was in high school. I don’t even think I was like this when my husband and I first met.
    Please, can you give me some kind of advice as to what to do? Like I said, I love my husband but did we get married too quickly? Sometimes I think that maybe I just settled bc I’m almost 27 and I feel like I was wasting time being single? I just don’t know anymore.

  51. Anna says

    I met someone 4 years now. We both worked at the same company however everything you would want in a man he does. We both fell in love however he is married for two yrs & with his wife for 8 yrs.. They have rough roads & he is currently thinking of a divorce.
    You see our goals in life are the same career, family wise, business wise & love life.. However his wife & him are on opposite paths. He is breaking it slowly to his wife about a divorce however I am wondering if i am doing the correct thing. I would not want to wreck someone home to build mine.

    • Kimberly Holmes says


      There are a couple of things going on here. First of all, the fact that you are questioning your relationship with this man shows that you realize that what is happening should not be happening. Since you have read this article, you have some sense of what limerence is and how it works. It eventually fades, and all of the people in the path of the disaster are devastated by what happened. Also, if he is wanting to leave his wife when things get hard, then that gives a pretty good indication that he would do the same thing with you.

      You already know that you would have to live with the guilt and the downfall of his marriage. It isn’t worth it.

  52. Kat says

    I’m having an affair with my bestfriend who is married, making me the other woman. We were falling for each other before they were married but nuerther of us spoke up. They have been married for 5 months and we’ve been together for 3. I know the devastation behind cheating as I have been on the other side. I also know that he is a good person and if or when eventually faced with the consequences of this how damaging it could be to him. He says all the time he should’ve never gotten married but I know he obviously did for a reason. I go back and forth constantly but just looking for confirmation that the right thing to do in his best interest is to end things before any permanent damage is done and let his marriage take the path it’s meant to without interference. Any feed back is greatly appreciated.

    • Kimberly Holmes says


      I think that deep inside you know that this relationship isn’t right. He did decide to go into his marriage, and he made a commitment to his wife. His continuing in this affair will eventually deeply hurt his marriage and have very negative effects for years to come. The best thing that you could do at this point is end the relationship. It will not only be helpful for him, but it will benefit you greatly in the long run. Deep inside, you don’t want to be that other woman. And you deserve more than that. You deserve a relationship with a man who is committed to you and only you. If we can help you with any more of this, please contact us.

  53. Oscar says

    My wife started having an affair 6 months ago. I didnt find out til november that it wasnt just a friendship. There were so many lies it was insane. She tried to leave me without me knowing about it or finding out which cause me to look at the way ive been acting for the entire 9 years of marriage triggering real changes in me emtionally. We have a 3 year old boy and my beliefs of having a strong household are even more strong than ever. She pretty much bailed out of our marriage and blames me for her coworker affair. I have been pleading to work things out and gave her forgiveness which is probably the wrong way of trying to save our marriage. Whats even worse is that all her anger and hatred for me became too intense and I moved to another state with family to try to get my mind together. Now that im doing alright but not good. she does not want a future with me. She is no longer seeing or talking to the other guy. She says she wants nothing to do with either of us which sounds crazy to me since im the one who has been married to her for 9 years and have a child with her. All I want to do is work my way back into her heart and prove myself I am indeed a different man. Even more difficult is her and my side of the family know everything which reinforces her desicion. I am extremely lost and have no idea what to do anymore. I recently voiced that it was wrong for her to put me in the same category as the other guy cause it was not my fault. Other day she texted me asking if I was alright. I am super confused and all I want to do is tell her how much I love her but I know thats stepping backwards. I need help

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      Oscar, while pleading does not work, giving forgiveness and reminding your spouse of your love for her is a good thing to do. We actually have a whole video series called Marriage Recovery that goes step by step through exactly what to do when your spouse has been involved in an affair but wants out of the marriage. It is extremely helpful and gives detailed advice.

  54. Katie says


    Reading all the comments has been extremely useful, thank you for that already. Hope you can provide some advice for my case as well.

    I am not yet married, but am thinking about doing it with my bf. He loves me a lot and sees the rest of our lives together. He would like to have kids, etc. I like him very rationally – he is my age, liked by my parents & friends, earns similarly as I and is from very similar background. All in all, rationally thinking, I have never met someone who would make such a logical match for me. As for my feelings – I like him and that’s it. I know how romances go away and don’t find it necessary to love the person I’m going to marry. Sex is average, yet everything is stable – I know that it shouldnt get worse. There has been no change in my attitude for several years already.

    On the other hand, there is another guy, which I have known for a bit longer and have romantic feelings towards to. We have more things in common (hobbies/look on life, etc.), have always had great sex, none of us wants kids and we very much enjoy each others company. We were together for a year and still meet from time to time. He is single (divorced years ago). Yet the problem with him is that I never made the relationship wih him known to anyone due to rather sure feeling that the relationship wouldn’t be accepted from my relatives/society in general – he is 17 years older. He also earns substantially more than I do (I earn a very good salary, but he is a CEO, so the difference is huge), so that may also inevitably make some think that I’m with him for money.

    So in the end I am continuing my life on the rational path, yet I end up thinking a lot about two topics. The first one – should I completely cut out the second guy from my life? I end up feeling very dull and a bit sad when I haven’t seen him for months, not really missing sex as much as missing our talks. And the second problem – I dread the moment when I will have to admit to my bf (or husband already) that I don’t want to have kids in the end. For this I’m just hoping that my attitude may change, as I’m still very young (27 years).

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      Katie, there are a couple of things to think about here. From your post, I cannot tell if you have been seeing the second man while also dating your boyfriend. However, if you are not satisfied with your relationship with your boyfriend now, it will not change by marrying. In fact, at times in marriage, things will seem worse. Conflict will come. Sex will become stagnant. Marriage takes work – and if you are already second guessing the marriage, or entering into it without being completely honest with your future spouse, it will only make things worse in the marriage (and let’s face it, we don’t need to make marriage any harder than it can be!). However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship with the other man would be the right choice. You already mentioned some concerns you have, and it could be that you are in limerence with that man. I would advise to start by being honest with your boyfriend, talk openly about the issues present, and see what happens from there.

  55. M.Walter says


    I have been married for 21 1/2 years. 4 months ago, I met someone at work and we hit it off right away. Talk all the time. It has escalated into the 2 of us “cuddling” at her house at least twice a week. We have never had sex, but we lay together, naked, in her bed and we do everything else except for sex. She says she doesn’t want to because I’m still married. I accept that. I want it bad and I believe she does too. Here’s a wrench in this whole situation? She has a divorced, single “close friend” that she does have sex with. Hmm? She has told me that she wants to be married again as soon as possible, but she’s in no hurry. Mixed messages here? I am in love with her, but she only likes me right now. Sometimes I want to break it off and sometimes I want to get a divorce and be with her. Then, I would have to join the Mormon church. So confused.

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      The signs that she is giving definitely point to her not being serious about a relationship with you. Even if you divorced your wife to be with her, the odds are stacked that she still would not marry you. That’s the thing about limerence: it thrives when people are not together. Once the uncertainty of whether or not they can be together, they start seeing all of the issues with the relationship and it inevitably ends. The fact that she is sleeping with another man also shows that she is not interested in a relationship. There are many things to consider before putting 21 years of marriage aside.

  56. A. Ross says


    I’ve been married for a year and a half to my husband. The firate few months went wonderfully then all of a sudden everything just started falling apart. A few months ago I met a guy who i worked with. He was sweet and kind and he became my best friend but now I’ve noticed that this strong friendship we’ve created has blossomed into love. I do care for my husband still but I can’t shake this feeling I’m just keeping him from happiness. I just don’t know what to do.

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      What you are probably experiencing is the fading of “newness” and feelings of exciting love that you had with your spouse in the beginning, and those feelings are being replaced by the new feelings from this man. The truth is every relationship takes work. You are probably experiencing the beginnings of limerence with this man at work…which will eventually fade. That is why commitment and continually working on your marriage is so important…and takes work. If you want to avoid a lot of heartache, it would be best to stop spending anytime with this other man. In fact, it would be best to change jobs to avoid any and all temptation. Work on your marriage before things get worse.

  57. Lindsey says


    I’ve been married for almost 3 years, me and my husband had what I thought was the perfect marriage. He was amazing, caring, a wonderful father to our child. But something was missing. I got promoted at work and went to another location to train. Where I had met someone. we talked and got to know each other we exchanged phone numbers.. And one thing led to another. I ended up having an affair, this affair has lasted almost 8 months. We have fallen so hard for each other there is so much passion and romance with this guy that I don’t have with my husband. I’m so completely torn between both guys. I don’t want to give up on my marriage but I don’t want to stop seeing this other guy either.

  58. Faye says

    Hi, i have been in a relationship for about 5 months now. I am married and so is he. We both have kids. We have both been married for many years. I do love this person and I feel he loves me as well. Neither one of us want to hurt our spouse , children, or family. All of this is completely against what I stand for and I can’t seem to grasp how this happened. I do know that my spouse has been very rude and hateful to me for the last several years. We went months maybe even years with no I love you. I really felt his love for me was gone. I feel this had something to do with my decision to have this affair. Now I love this other man and have no idea where to go from here.

    • Kimberly Holmes says


      I highly, highly suggest that you talk to our Marriage Helper representative, Johnny. He will be able to tell you more about the options that we have to help you think about all of the things going on right now in your life. We also have a five part video series (all online) called Decision Point. It’s for exactly the situation that you are in right now. First, I would suggest you start by downloading this free e-book titled “How to Choose Between Lover and Spouse”. You can download that here: http://my.marriagehelper.com/decision-point-ebook/

      You can contact Johnny directly at 615.636.8086 or at johnny.cardwell@marriagehelper.com.

  59. nicole says

    Hi I’ve been married for 6 years .. im really unhappy he mentally cuts me down .. it’s like he gets off on making me cry . I hate him he has put his hands on me 4 times . I sometimes think its because he was drunk then. But emotionally we have no connection.. i think its funny because hes a great father he treats the boys well me not so much … before we got married he cheated on me . I should of know if he made me cry then he’ll do it now .. the only thing that keeps me here is my kids sadly reminds me of my mother she did the same thing. And it was just me then.. anyway i met a guy about around aug. When school started for the kids . We both have kids that ride the bus too school and back home . We would say hi talk .. but at the time i had no interest i was trying keep my marriage together… but it seems im never good enough or do anything right.. so i spoke to a friend about it … one day he forgot his wallet and came back to get it our youngest saw it was daddy and ran to him he got out the car and said you stupid bitch our son could got killed.. then on ppl know how he treats me. So anyway my friend talk to the guy that i sometimes speak to find out he has been interested in for a while .. anyway he knows how he treats me he tells me i deserve better that he would treAt better well. Ive been seeing him since beginning of December.. im so happy when I’m with him the kids love him.. and he loves them .also.. i was already planning to leave him before me this guy started talking.. ive asked for marriage counseling hes refuses says its my fault… anyway thats my story.. i just want to be loved and happy .. and my kids to be ok as well.

    • Kimberly Holmes says


      If you took the other man out of the picture, as if you had never met, then do you believe your marriage is salvageable? If so, then you need to work on your marriage. I know there is a lot of hurt and pain that has caused you to think negatively about him, but people who are in love with someone else also tend to rewrite history. If you are rewriting history, then you could be making a huge mistake. If your husband is genuinely a good man doing a bad thing, then this can work. If you need help figuring that out, then I highly suggest you check out this ebook on how to choose between lover and spouse: http://my.marriagehelper.com/decision-point-ebook/

  60. Bianca says

    Hey, my name is Bianca I am 24 and I got married June 13, w
    2014. It has not been great. My husband is back in jail and seems to me he doesn’t wanna take responsibility for his actions, although when we met he was awesome then it went away fights came and he does the most sometimes. I thought I really wanted a Thug for a man but I guess I am cheating myself. I met this guy he has a good heart he goes to church, he does not get in trouble he chooses the right rode… We just met but It seem like I been knowing him forever. My husband might go crazy if he found out but idk what to do anymore I love my husband but I am afraid I am gonna get the same results when he come home….

  61. elly says

    I gt married 8 months back and yes you know this guy told me before that he don’t feel attracted towards me…then at that time I said No but then our parents meet and then he said he said all those stuff out of anger….after marriage too he never showed any love affection…sex sex n only sex…we dn even talk much..and he iz also introvert type….I wnt separation as there is one guy with whom I feel emotional connection and wnt to spend life aid him

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      Elly, Before you leave your marriage for this other man, I hope that you make sure you are not just leaving your marriage and replacing it with something instead of working out your problems. Otherwise, you will eventually face problems with this new guy, and when that happens, what are you going to do? Are you going to leave him, or try and work it out?

  62. Amanda says

    I am in love with a married man who is 15 years my senior. I am single. We have been in a relationship for almost 2 years. He gets the best of both worlds. Me, his young, fun, exciting, sexy and engaging girlfriend and the wife who has been with him for 25 years but is old, boring and frumpy however she is stable and secure and he knows what to expect from her. He has strong feelings for me. In fact I do believe we love each other. However, he is afraid to leave the comfort and security of his long term marriage for me. I am still considered a risk for him even though he loves me. He is afraid to walk away from her. Afraid to change his life, especially nearing his retirement years. He is also afraid to destroy his family unit.. especially the impact it might have on his close relationship with his grand children. So he has continued to live a double life and it has been stressful for him… and for me. As you can imagine, having these feelings and wanting to be with each other but knowing it will never go anywhere… is hard. It is heart breaking. It is this endless roller coaster ride of getting close and then pulling away. It is the most joy and euphoria I have ever felt and yet sometimes the deepest pain and most lonely I have ever been. We cannot let each other go. He has walked away from me three times already only to come back. I think it is almost like an addiction. We are addicted to the feelings we get from each other and the incredible sex is just a by product of the chemistry we share. We always ask each other if we did go legit, if that chemistry would eventually fade in the light of real life. So here we are doing our best carrying on in this fantasy where we each get the best of each other. The feelings are so intense and over whelming and to go from that high to the pain of having to let that go is impossible. From euphoria to emptiness. From all encompassing happiness and elation to the depths of despair? You can see why so many hang on to their affair partner for dear life. Sometimes you just cannot walk away from a marriage, despite your feelings for a new person. I do believe sometimes that new person is meant to be with you. Not all marriages are salvageable or meant to be worked on into the ground without any progress. No marriage should be a prison sentence. Sometimes you do need to leave and start over and things do work themselves out under the right circumstances. I do believe that. It is sad and sweet all at once. He makes me feel alive and vise versa. I just cannot say good bye to him and if he ever did, I would be destroyed.

  63. Riley says

    I have been married for 4 years. We were separated for 5 months, we never talked during that time other than texts and it was only when he was asking if I had filed for divorce or if I had changed utilities, etc out of his name. I was dating someone during those 5 months. I never cheated on my husband. He came over to get some items and all the sudden was wanting to get back together telling me how much he loved me and he never wanted to get divorced. I was so shocked I let him move back home the next day! He’s been home for 2 months now and I have realized I am not only in love with the guy I was dating but the spark truly is gone in my marriage. When I tell him I think we moved in to fast it breaks my heart to see that it hurts him to hear that. He seems to be a new person. We separated due to his verbal abuse and intense anger. During separation he was talking to his ex wife and an old girl friend. I feel like he has always had them on stand by and I can’t get past that. I don’t know if he still talks to them, I’m scared to ask because then he’ll ask me if I’m talking to the guy I dated and the answer is yes I am. I wish he would tell me he wants to leave but at the same time I think I should be honest, put my feeling sorry for him aside and tell him to move out. I do love him, but prior to separation the marriage was always rocky and now it just seems like something is missing. I think about this other guy all the time, we talk everyday and he knows the situation with my marriage. I just feel stuck

  64. Spencer Brown says

    I have been married for four years. Me and my husband are from two different cultures. We have been facing problems adjusting for last 6-7 months and things have got quiet worst between us. In the meantime, I have reconnected with this guy whom i met after my engagement with my husband. We fell in love but I still married my husband due to social obligations (In our culture, breaking off an engagement is a big deal!). The guy was so madly in love with me till last year that he would want me to leave my husband and go to him. He told me many times to get divorced and marry him since he was still waiting for us to be together.I tried but never had the courage to break off my marriage because i thought it would be unfair to my husband. But now when my marriage is going through a rocky road, I want to leave him and be with that guy. I dont know if that would be a wise decision or if he would ever marry me or not. Im going through a depression. please help!

  65. david says

    I have been married for 12 years and together with my spouse for coming up on 19 years… we have had up and down moments through out our entire relationship..it seems as though one of us was always doing something to sabotage our marriage in one form or fashion and at different intervals one has wanted to leave the other stay.. then switch… I loved my spouse at one point but we never had that bond. she loves me still but there hasn’t been a togetherness ever. I cannot blame either one of us for the demise of our life together but at about the 7th year we found a moment and married we gave it a real good go, however my spouse held resentments towards me lasting somewhere around 4 years after getting married. I felt during that time my penances had been paid ..but my wife just seemed to keep me at arms length in every fashion and never really came back to the relationship … we spoke on this many occasions even sought counsel through our church at which point i was absolutely done and full of resentments to even consider reconciliation .. I gave up. we have children only one left in the house… we live completely separate lives we have no physical relationship whatsoever, separated but living under the same roof… on my side I had no partner ,no friend nor her from me any longer.. we didn’t like the same things ..I began to seek comfort elsewhere.. i was rejected and disrespected and ultimately found it with a woman I never saw coming .. we are compatible like I’ve never experienced before in my life …this woman and I crossed the line about three years into the turmoil I found myself in and have had a relationship for over 5 years… it has been tumultuous at times and we’ve experienced everything the “other woman” could go through emotionally…we took the plunge and both know it should have been done differently .. but it just happened .. we knew each other casually for 2 years prior… we found ourselves immediately in love and still remain… I have had all the guilt a man can experience and so has she for all obvious reasons… .. I know this all would affect my spouse and family negatively obviously, I remained in this for so long thinking about my child…but I am ready to move on to the next level “divorce”… I am a man that doesn’t want to hurt anyone including my spouse but we haven’t been in a marriage since long before I began a strong intense love affair… I know my spouse doesn’t want to divorce but neither of us are happy in this situation.. my spouse and I have had no physical contact in approx. 8 years .. I have lived on the couch for at least 5 years… we don’t fight but things are completely out of whack. we do nothing together and have not other than church and that is where it had completely fallen apart.. I need help I have no where to turn .. I found this site and read all your stories.. every story broke my heart in one form or fashion … I am ready to make the step out but have no idea of how or what to do to have a collaborative divorce.. I am desperate … Everyone is hurting and I am at the center of it all.. “the cause”. i need help… my apologies for being so long winded

  66. Anna says

    This article says most people don’t mean for it to happen. So what if someone deliberately sought that person out? What if they’ve had multiple affairs and been engaged in some online chat rooms asking for hook ups to have more sex? I have a feeling he’s bipolar. His father is. Now his dad is in prison because he molested one of my children about a year ago. I have asked him to be evaluated for bipolar which he agrees to even thought he doesn’t think I’m right. I’m willing to try and work on this one more time because there’s so much invested in this marriage. Four children one of whom has special needs. He says he will try also. However I am concerned he has personal mental health issues that need to be dealt with. Also, I must admit I feel skeptical that the marriage can be saved. We have been married for 14 years and I first caught him soliciting sex online twelve years ago after our first child was born. He has had two affairs in the last four years. I also have been concerned at times that his sexual behavior seems obsessive and that his use of pornography borders on extreme.

  67. Jack says

    I’ve been married for almost 22 years. Two thirds of those years my wife has been sick both physically and emotionally. We have two kids, both with some degree of disability.
    My wife depends on me 200% and Inhave always been there as a friend, provider, dad-mom, housekeeper, etc.
    I know I love my wife but now that love is not the romantic kind of love. It is the love “filial”love that I can feel for a close family member. I take care of her and my kids on all they need.
    Now: About 6 years ago I crossed roads with my high school deep love, she is married as well but after 6 years of conversations and 2 years since we got intimate I’m convinced I’m madly in love with her. I have tried to shut her down multiple times, to stop all communication but it is hell. it is now six years that think about her everyday, feeling like a inexperienced 15 years old. ( I’m 47 …)
    I want to finish this because I know I must stay and be a provider for my wife and kids but I feel I’m throwing away true happiness. When I’m with the “other” woman I feel peace, clarity, fulfillment.
    Responsibility vs happiness….
    This sucking out my energy and desire to live.

    Advice ?

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      Here’s the thing about feelings: they always change. True love is a decision, not a feeling. Love that won’t last is based on what you feel would make you happy in that moment. If you leave your ill wife and children to be with someone else because you were focused on what would make you happy, it a few weeks, a few months, or maybe a few years, you would look back and deeply regret your decision. You see, you are in limerence. It’s only attractive because the other person is “hard to get”. Once you have “gotten” her, it will fade…and you won’t feel happy with her either. You know what the right thing is to do. A man should take care of his family, especially in their time of need. If the feelings of love are gone, that’s not a problem. We know how to rebuild love and help you fall in love all over again with your spouse.

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