My Spouse is in Love with Someone Else

My Spouse is in Love with Someone Else Article Graphic

My Spouse is in Love with Someone Else Article GraphicYou suspected it long before you knew it for sure.

Your spouse changed but you couldn’t quite explain the changes in a way that seemed to make sense to anyone else. You thought that you were imagining things, being insecure. Then you began to vacillate, worrying that you must be right but telling yourself that surely you aren’t. When you asked questions, the answers seemed a little too slick, too rehearsed. Sometimes your questions hit harder and your spouse reacted with anger or sarcasm, telling you that you’re paranoid. If you suspected a particular person, your spouse reassured you that there was nothing going on and that this person is a friend…maybe even your friend…and it wasn’t fair to think that about them.

Finally, you made the discovery. Maybe you checked the cell phone bill, read emails, found a note or letter in a pocket or purse, or, even worse, someone saw them and told you about it. When you confronted, denial reigned.

But not forever.

Eventually, your mate told you that it’s over between the two of you. He or she is in love with the other person. Prepare for divorce. Cooperate and they will make things easy for you. Refuse to cooperate and you will find yourself in a bloody legal battle. Maybe your spouse cajoled, or threatened, in a concerted effort to keep you from telling anyone what was happening. He or she did everything possible to keep you from going to your church leaders, their boss, your family, your in-laws, and maybe even your best friend. Secrecy helped them, not you, but because you thought there might be a chance to keep him or her calm and possibly stop this nightmare, you allowed yourself to be manipulated.

Maybe your abandoning spouse had a period of hesitation. He or she tried to end the affair, and told you that they were willing to work on the marriage. Maybe the paramour found a way to get to him or her, rekindled the passion and convinced your spouse that he or she will never be happy without them. If your spouse went back to the affair the second time, it seemed to have much more power over them than in the beginning.

By the time you broke your silence, things had evolved to an almost impossible situation. Your church leaders tried, but had no success in righting the wrong behavior of your spouse. They found themselves listening to how terrible it is to be married to you, or how hypocritical they were to tell someone else to do right. They might even have heard the startling news that God Himself sent the lover and that He wants them to be together. Or, they might have heard that your spouse no longer believes what they once believed, so the church folks may as well go bother someone who buys into their malarkey.



The fact is that even in these situations a possibility exists that the marriage can be saved and, with time, made good again. That may sound Pollyannaish, but I’ve personally witnessed it repeatedly over the last sixteen years. My faith in God tells me through His power anything can be done. My faith in people has been strengthened by experiencing God intervening in lives even when a person wanted God to leave him or her alone to do what they wanted to do.

A straying partner who has convinced him- herself that life will be wonderful with the new person seldom decides that before he or she leaves they should take one more run at saving the marriage. It’s much more likely that the abandoning spouse will avoid anything that might convince him or her to stop the new relationship and heal the marriage. However, I’ve witnessed case after case in which those marriages were saved, sometimes even after the divorce took place. One couple remarried after being divorced ten years! I don’t mean to give false hope. There are marriages that are doomed and no matter what happens, it will end and never be healed. On the other hand, for many years I’ve seen the salvaging of marriages that seemingly everyone else has given up on.

Admittedly, I become frustrated with leaders or counselors who too quickly encourage the abandoned spouse to accept that it’s over and move on. Yes, that advice is sound when there is no hope. However, my experience is that too often we don’t count on the power of God and, therefore, make premature judgments about how hopeless a situation might be. I’ll make another admission; I’ve gone through marriage intensives with couples that at the end I would have predicted there was no way they would heal their marriage. Yet I saw it work out.


I think that’s a fairly good word to use when God’s involved.

For example, recently a couple came through our weekend intensive workshop for marriages in crisis that shared a remarkable story. Though highly involved in their church, she had gotten too close to another member and that had gradually led to adultery. Neither meant for it to happen. No one went looking for that kind of relationship. Like so many others they didn’t understand the danger and forged ahead with a friendship that was destined to become a passion. By the time they realized they were on the wrong path, they were so enmeshed with each other that they were convinced that the best thing for everyone – spouses, children, church – was to divorce their spouses and marry each other. The night she told her husband her plans, the emotion was so intense that soon she was in a deep sleep. He interpreted that as her not caring. The real cause of her deep slumber was the depth of her emotional state. Nevertheless, he spent the rest of the night praying over her sleeping body. He prayed that God would convict her heart; that He would somehow reduce or remove the emotions she had for the other man.

It worked.

The next morning she awakened with the realization that she wanted to save her marriage and wanted very much to get past the feelings she had for her lover. Shortly thereafter they were in our workshop to learn how it happened, how to heal it, and how to grow in love like they never had before.

That’s the only time I’ve heard the story work just that way.

More often the abandoned spouse prays and prays but the abandoning spouse reacts callously. They don’t want to see the error of their actions. They don’t want to face the guilt of their wrongdoing. They seek any counsel, from Christians or otherwise, that empathizes with their position and gives any encouragement whatsoever.

Does that mean prayer has no power?

Not at all.

It means that sometimes God works directly on a person’s heart in ways beyond human understanding, and sometimes He uses other methodologies. Praying is powerful. So is doing the right things.

If your spouse has told you that he or she is in love with someone else, I suggest you do the following things.

Ask Yourself This Question

Before giving up on a straying spouse, it would behoove you to ask, “Is my spouse a bad person doing a bad thing, or a good person doing a bad thing?”

Good people sometimes do really stupid things. However, if at heart they are good people, they are worth rescuing. It’s your choice, of course, and you can tell your straying spouse to leave and never return. Or, if he or she is a good person involved in a bad situation, you can fight to save your marriage. Our experience is that if a good person gets straightened out, not only can the marriage be saved, but it can be stronger and more loving than it was before.

Things NOT to Do

If you decide to try to save your marriage, immediately stop allowing your spouse to manipulate you in any way. Don’t make things easy for him or her. Slow things down and drag things out even if it makes them angry. Time is on your side, especially if you continually pray for God to intercede and bring trials and tribulations into the sinful relationship.

At the same time, do not cling, beg, whine, plead, or manipulate. It makes you less attractive and intensifies whatever justification he or she has mentally made that allows leaving you. Be strong. Make it clear that while you would like to save the marriage, your life will go on and you will prosper if they don’t come back.

This is very, very important.

When a person believes that you are there no matter what they do, they have no compulsion to do right. When they see that you can live happily without them, you become more attractive.

Things to Do

Take care of yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Your life will not end if your marriage ends. God will still be in heaven. He will still love you. Other people in your life who care about you will still care about you. No matter how much you love your spouse, life can go on and be good if he or she leaves you. The time to take care of you is NOT after the chaos has ended. You must do it now. It benefits you. It benefits your family. And, believe it or not, it often helps bring the spouse back, though you cannot do it for only that reason.

When you are sure that your spouse is involved in something, or with someone, that is wrong, arrange a group to do an intervention. There are time-tested and proven ways to do interventions. You cannot be part of the actual intervention, so pick people that he or she respects or cares about. If your children are old enough, add them to the group; they make great interveners. For step-by-step instructions, click intervention. Share this link with everyone who will help in the intervention.

Make an offer of some benefit that will come to your straying spouse if he or she agrees to try at least one thing to save the marriage. Pray for wisdom as to what may motivate your spouse. Our experience is that they are unlikely to agree to a lengthy counseling period, but that likely they will agree to come to our three-day marriage intensive. People have come to our workshop to salve their consciences, to get their church leaders off their backs, to make the children happy, to get a better deal in the divorce, and more. Are those good reasons to come? Any reason is a good reason because for over a decade our success record is three out of four couples, even for those who did not want to be there and for those who came while madly in love with someone else.

Whether you use our services, a counselor full of faith, a minister, or any other help, do something. If you have a desire to save your marriage, act. Sitting alone while having a pity party does nothing good for you or anyone else. You cannot make your spouse do right, but you can make yourself get out of the dumps and back on the road of faith in the God who speaks universes into existence. He will not abandon you, even if your spouse does.

Your fullness of life is in Him.

Trust that.

Many couples who have come to our workshop came while one spouse was “madly in love” with someone else. We see miracles every month. If you wish to save your marriage, wish to heal, and wish to help your spouse heal, please call us toll free at 866-903-0990 or complete the form below for more information. We care and we wish to help. Our success rate over the last decade is three out of four marriages saved, even when adultery, porn, anger, or other things have deeply hurt the relationship!

If you and your spouse cannot attend a Marriage Helper 911 weekend or your spouse refuses to get any marriage help, there is still hope. Check out our Save My Marriage Course – where you’ll learn how to bring your spouse back to the marriage. Click the banner below to find out more about it.

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  1. Gustavo B. Gustavo B.
    December 21, 2014    

    I`ve been married for three years now to my wife Fabiola, earlier this week she said she doesn`t love me anymore and wants to leave me. She said that she is in love with another man, I do not accept this since we married each other and our vows were forever till death do us part. Today she spoke to a divorce lawyer on how to proceed with it. Our marriage has never been perfect but she loved me, I`m not an easy person to live with but neither is she, we both have explosive personalities. I really need prayers for my marriage to not end, since she says that any day now when I come back home from work her things won`t be here and neither will she and I`ll never know where she went to. Please help us with your prayers and God bless you all.

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      December 27, 2014    

      We will definitely keep you both in our prayers. If you haven’t already, I highly suggest that you contact Johnny, our Marriage Helper representative, at 615.636.8086. He can give you more information about our highly effective programs we have to help you save your marriage.

    • John Kirlew John Kirlew
      December 29, 2014    

      I am sorry for your pain and hurt. This thing we call marriage can be so painful and hurt so much at the end. It was never meant to be this way yet for so many it ends bad. I will say a prayer for you and your wife tonight and my god give you the strength to weather through the storm. My wife has recently left me after 13 years and the hurt, pain and love I have for her is never ending. Please turn to the bible and try and get help and assistance during this time of stress.

  2. Monika Monika
    January 3, 2015    

    Please pray for my relationship to last. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and 5 months ago he send a message to another girl to tell her that he loves her.he also later tolld me that it would be hard to end their relationship and that he talks to her about everything. I have a 1 year old daughter with him and I hope that he will try to make it work.

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      January 6, 2015    

      I am sorry that this has happened. While I understand that you want to make your relationship work because of your child that you have together, you must also really decide if this is the kind of behavior that you should have to deal with for the rest of your life. Since you are not married yet, you do have the option to decide if you want something better for yourself. However, you can still make this relationship work. There are some more articles on our website that could help you figure this out.

      • Monika Monika
        July 14, 2015    

        Thank you for this reply. I am still dealing with trust issues because of what happened but he stoped taking to that girl. But even though he has not talked to her for one year I am starting to notice that we are very different. He is more outgoing and sometimes imberising. I am more quiet and emotional. I still dint know If I should ever get married to him.but I still hope that we will learn how to be ok together or that I will did someone else who would suck though because he is a good dad.Thank you for any prayers that will help me decide.

  3. janie janie
    January 8, 2015    

    Hello me and my husband resently separated he has another woman and is “in love” with her we have been together for 4 years n only married 6months. It still has not sunk in that he has left. He already has her in his house im pregnant and have a 3 yr old i really dont know what to do i really love him and will like to work things out

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      January 12, 2015    


      That’s a very difficult situation. I’m sorry to hear of all that has occurred. We can definitely help your marriage, and we have seen situations like this in the past. There is still hope. Please contact us.

  4. Fran Fran
    January 12, 2015    

    My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs married 4yrs in total and seperated for 2 of those 4yrs. Through out the entire relationship I was the more dominant one. I worked and he took care of home. I expressed my frustrations time and time again. His sons mother and his mother were disrespectful toward me on occassions and when I expressed how it made me feel he never addressed it. Giving me the impression he didn’t care about me enough. I eventually started seeing someone else. Through our entire separation my husband has expressed how he wanted his family back. By this time he has been dating other women as well. This past Nov. I agreed to work on us. Since me giving him the green light nothing has happened. We have meaningless convo. The more I listen to the things he says I can’t stand him. I’ve expressed that I’m not happy in this situation due to no effort being shown on his end. I told him we should just divorce but he just thinks I’m blowing hot air. I’m not in love with this man and haven’t been for a while now. Please help!

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      January 12, 2015    

      Fran, it is not unusual for a spouse to show intense desire to reconcile a marriage and then once the wandering spouse agrees, they no longer show the same level of interest. In fact, it is common for the spouse wanting to work on the marriage (your husband in this case) to become angry or even apathetic after the straying spouse concedes to fixing it. When the spouse is straying, there is a level of fear that propels wanting to get him or her back. Once there is a sense of some kind of security, they let the anger show and get the best of them. This does not mean that you should go back to not wanting to pursue the marriage. Instead, try to understand that he is in pain, and isn’t dealing with it in the best way. There is help and hope for your situation. There really is. It may take some work. The marriage didn’t get this way overnight, and it will take more than a day to fix it. It does seem that there is something that keeps pulling one of you back to the relationship…some rope that gives you a reason to try and work it out. That’s good – and it shouldn’t be avoided. I strongly suggest that you look into our workshop for marriages in crisis. It would turn your marriage around.

  5. Noemi Noemi
    January 16, 2015    

    My husband and I have been together for five years and married for four. We have three children together, 3,2, and a five week old(newborn). My husband is in the army and has been deployed for almost nine months now. We used to message and skype all of the time until November when he started to become distant and making up excuses as to why he couldn’t talk to me. I knew something wasn’t right and there had to be something going on, so i checked his messages and emails and found out he’s cheating on me with another girl over there. Apparently they are in love and he’s planning to leave me as soon as he gets back home next month. I don’t think he knows that I know yet since we haven’t been talking for a while. I really don’t know what to do. I never thought my husband would ever cheat on me. I feel like I don’t even know who he is anymore and I’m not sure that I want to be with him after this. If we somehow work through this episode, how can I ever trust him again? Prayers would be much appreciated!!

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      January 20, 2015    

      It is possible to save your marriage from an affair, and it is possible to have an even stronger marriage than before after it. Your husband being in the army means that he has many, many negative consequences that he could face from being involved in an affair, as affairs actually require legal action in the military. If you choose to work on your marriage and do what you can to save it, then you are in a good position to do so. If you want to know more about marriage help, please contact us.

  6. Lillian Lillian
    January 17, 2015    

    I’be been married for 6 years and found out my husband has another woman. After I confronted him, he admitted and said that he was madly in love with her and that their relationship was already beyond sexual. He confessed that they had 18 month together (the other woman is also married). I got angry and get hurt. However I told him I took responsibility for whatever I did wrong that made him go after another woman. I expressed my willing to work on this marriage and make it work despite the infidelity. I asked him to go to counseling with me.Yet he said no. I asked them both to stop communicating for a while, they both promise they would, but to no avail. my husband made clear to me that he doesn’t love me and that he doesn’t want anything with me. He said that he is happy in a way he never was with me and that he regrets marrying me. I can no longer deal with the pain. I can no longer endure how he goes and meets with her. So I decided to move to another state to heal my heart. I wonder is this the right decision? I love him and want nothing more than my marriage to be healed and have the loving relationship we once had. I truly want work it out but he doesn’t and even though I’m leaving, i can’t stop questioning myself. If leaving ( at least for now) is the right decision. Your prayers are most needed and appreciated.

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      January 20, 2015    


      It is a hard decision that you have made, but as long as you have expressed to your spouse that you wish to save the marriage and he refuses to no avail, then the time comes that he must deal with consequences of his actions. We have some podcasts related to this topic as well. I suggest that you check those out.

  7. Kasumi Kasumi
    January 24, 2015    

    My husband and I have been married for 31.5 years and together for 34. He had his first affair (that I know of for sure) after our second child–a boy–when we were married 8 years. We went through marriage and individual counseling for 3 years and stayed together. We thought we were stronger than even and he promised that he would never hurt me like that again.

    However 23 years later, he’s in an affair with a woman who works in the same building I do. He would go she her at her office and not come by to see me. When he admitted it, he told me there had been a few others, but that she is the one who is worth it. She will do whatever he wants whenever he wants, and I’m too busy.

    He left me on June 19, and moved into her house. He said that he wanted to figure himself out, but I don’t know how he will do that while under the influence of this woman. He keeps saying he wants a divorce, but he hasn’t done anything about it. I ended having to be the one who filed. I got an attorney because he just wanted to go, leaving me with the mortgage and all the bills–taking all his retirement and 401K. Now, he’s been dragging his feet because he’s mad that I got an attorney to protect myself from his unfair idea of how we should split things.

    It’s been 7 months. I wanted to try counseling, but he said “I don’t want to.” He said that he told me back in 2011 that “you need to get on the bandwagon or I’m going to start looking around.” He’s never said that to me. He says it’s over and that he wants to “end it.” Yet, he doesn’t do anything about it.

    He took this woman to meet his family after Christmas. He’s moved on, yet he’s keeping me trapped in a “marriage(?)”. I don’t understand it. I would like to at least go to counseling so me and my adult children can understand what happened, but he won’t do it.

    I still love him, and he says that “I still love you, but I’m not in love with you.” If that’s true, I don’t understand why he won’t let me go. I’m committed to my marriage and would (and never have) cheat on him. I will remain faithful until I’m released, but he just won’t do it. I don’t understand it. Everyday is torture for me–being married to someone who is treating another woman like his wife, and he her husband.

    I pray for him, and grudgingly try to pray for her also. It’s hard because I know her. We even talked about him together … all the while she was sleeping with him. I feel betrayed by the both of them.

    I want God’s will in this situation. I don’t know if this marriage is salvageable. If I take him back (again) will he continue to cheat on me? Is it worth it to be his doormat–his backup plan?

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      January 25, 2015    

      Kasumi, Clearly what your husband is doing is not right. You should not be the doormat, or the backup plan, and our Marriage Recovery video series talks more about that. However, as bad as everything seems, yes your marriage is salvageable. However, saving it will mean putting your marriage on a different path to keep another affair from happening in the future. We can help you with that.

  8. Tina Tina
    January 24, 2015    

    I could never do that to another human being. My husband has been with a home wrecking woman, if you can call her that, for nearly 7 years. She is an awful human being who stops at nothing to flaunt her affair with my husband. I understand that he is no longer in love with me, however, I cannot accept that he is with this horrible human being. He is my heart and I would pick him every single time. Our son is a reminder of happier times.

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      January 25, 2015    

      Tina, I am sorry for your pain. There is a lot of hurt that occurs when your husband has an affair. Let us know if we can help.

  9. Sayed Sayed
    January 30, 2015    

    I`ve been married for more then three years now to my wife Elita, before Xmas she said she doesn`t feel me anymore and wants to stay separate to see she can stay without me or not . Then I found that she like her Boss by checking her phn then I ask her She said we are friend after another day I spoke with her she said he is the person who understand her most its feels like they are made for each other , I do not accept this since we married each other and our vows were forever till death do us part. Im not an easy person to live with I begged Her give me one chance we can short our problem out she use to love me lot more then anything I did to but I couldnt express properly she didnt give me any chance she said its too late 🙁 .She is looking for house to separate from me, she cant see me she said when you are around she feels like not safe coz I was checking her phn & suspicious about things. I really need prayers for my marriage to not end, Please help us with your prayers and God bless you all.

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      January 30, 2015    


      I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I pray that your wife will see what is happening and choose differently. I also pray that God would give you the strength, courage, and knowledge to do whatever you can do to save your marriage even though right now it may seem hopeless.

  10. Anisha Humphre Anisha Humphre
    February 3, 2015    

    Hello. I knew my estranged spouse for 15 years prior to us getting married in 2007. There were many things he put me through shortly after we got married when things began to come to light in 2008. In 2011, he walked out on me and the marriage. I haven’t filed for divorce and I don’t know if he did. At one point, he was trying to file for divorce online but needed certain information to complete the process but he didn’t have it. Up to date, I learned through facebook that he went right into a relationship shortly after leaving me and is now engaged. My prayers haven’t been consistant as I struggled with so many emotions of how he did things. Now being back on track in my walk, I don’t know if it’s too late to try and save my marriage 4 years later..What should I do?

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      February 5, 2015    

      Are you still married, or are you divorced? I strongly recommend tuning in to our live, call-in radio program that is on every Tuesday and Thursday night from 7 pm CST to 9 pm CST. Joe Beam, the marriage expert, would be able to ask you the questions that you need to help you think through how to proceed.

  11. tasha tasha
    March 4, 2015    

    My husband and i have been married for almost twelve years and have seemed to hit our lowest point. From the beginning it is clear to me now that we never set boundary lines. Seems like every year we keep coming back to the point of him and other women. It’s been from chatting online that he called “recreational” to inappropriate conversations on social media, talking to one that i know of parents at the school, keeping pictures of this woman who was “stalking” him and now he’s been talking to one of his classmates and says that he loves her. I can admit my faults in snooping through his phone, online,his bag, and even recorded his phone conversation while me and our child was gone. Each time when ive felt him pulling away emotionally it’s been something. At one point i was over it and resorted to someone else as well. After we lost our child in 2007 he wanted to separate because i had been through his phone tge same day i lost the baby. I was vulnerable and made the mistake of allowing God’s test to become temptation by following through. I evolved with this man but never pushed my husband away instead i reached for him even more but he continued to push away. I ended the relationship with that man after realizing that the connection i was looking for could only come from God. Time went along and we continued to go through this cycle of other women. I ask him if there’s something i need to do or stop doing and he claims that all is well and that he loves me. His words are just words to me. With this last instance ki asked him did he love this woman our was he in love with this woman and he said that he loved her as a person. He also said that he cut off communication with her. We’ve both hurt each other so much and the trust in at a level two. I honestly want to trust and forgive him but i also have a hard time forgiving myself. Please pray for our marriage and our family.

  12. April 24, 2015    

    My husband and I just celebrated 22 years of marriage, and 27 years together, I am 46 and he is 57. A few months ago his best friend died, and my husband has been going thru a difficult time, he has even said he is going thru his midlife crisis.
    He has always gamble in casinos once in a while, but all of the sudden he has been going to this one casino a lot, sometimes 2-3 times in a week for the past couple of weeks or so.
    He seem troubled sometimes & I tried talking to him, I asked why now, was he hanging in this one casino so much, till sometimes 3 -4 am, when he told me about this dealer there that he enjoy talking to a lot, she is married & 28 years old, then I found out she also, tells him her schedule every week, so he can visit her & He always makes a point to go only when she is working. He confessed that she invited him to dinner & that she wants to take him out to breakfast for his birthday, he also has told his friends about this so called friend. He also told one of his friends that he is smitten with this girl.
    I told him I did not wanted him to continue to go there & he told her last week, that he was too busy now & that he would not be able to go till Oct. ( His Birthday month) 6 months away, she responded, that, oh you will be back before then…
    What do you think, he says he loves me, but this is making me uncomfortable, he friends have told him, “Don’t go there” nothing good will come of this.

  13. tracys husband tracys husband
    April 28, 2015    

    Been married to my wife over 30 yrs. we met when i was 15/16. Two kids, etc…
    I recently caught her texting a local man on Easter sunday of all days. I was working.
    (Maybe GOD was sick of me working sundays) anyway, i lost it. I went nutz for 3 weeks.
    And now I have my wife back, and I know she loves me, but there’s a slight possability
    things went to far. My question is how do i live with knowing “maybe” something happened? I love her so much, but my mind is torturing me 24/7. This is horrible. Im not sure I can get passed this, its eating me up. She is my one and only since I can remember.

  14. Kim Kim
    July 1, 2015    

    My husband and I have only been married 18 months. He just told me he is in love with my 25 yr old daughter and wants to leave me. She doesn’t want anything to do with him in that manner, so I do not fault her. He isn’t happy with me anymore, and says it would be better to live alone in misery because he loves her and she doesn’t feel the same. I don’t know if this situation can even be fixed.

  15. Donna Dolcemascolo Donna Dolcemascolo
    July 1, 2015    

    My husband and I have been married 8 years, he has a history of depression, and addiction to pills. During our marriage, my husband battled alcohol, depression, and pills. It was a roller coaster, the first couple years everything was good. The last 3-4 years, he was laid off from work frequently, drink alcohol, and be very lazy. We fell behind on our mortgage, I always handled the bills, but could not afford paying for everything myself. Even when he received unemployment benefits he would not contribute. I always tried to get him help,or at least encourage he seek treatment for his depression. He was in rehab January 2014, and when he came out, all he did was lay around on the couch, this built up some much resentment and angry, that I started talking mean to him, belittling him. In December 2015, we received foreclosure notice for our home, I had tried to save our home on 2 occasions where we were able to modify our mortgage, but of course defaulted because he was again laid off. I told him over the years that if we foreclosed that I would leave him. So, in January 2015 I left the home and got an apartment. He went into rehab then. I always loved my husband despite the turmoil, but just had enough of his irresponbility. I unfortunately reconnected with an x-boyfriend who was also separated from his wife, that relationship was brief and did not work out. My husband did get sober, and did not find out about my relationship until after it was over. He was willing to forgive me, but I was still not completely ready, just wanted more time for him to prove himself to me. I decided just to do me and not date. Well beginning of June, and we had been in contact this whole time, I found out he was seeing someone since April. Of course I flipped out because I thought he would always want me and love me. Now he is seeing her and me at the same time, but I have become the side piece. She has threatened to not see him anymore unless he files for divorce with me this week. I am sure he is lying to her, but he is telling me that he is not filling at least not now, he loves me but is scared I will hurt him by cheating on him, which I never did until after our separation. He is coming over to talk to me tommorrow, because I told him he needs to either divorce me or move on with her. Last week, the other woman found out he had been seeing me, and after fighting with the both of us, he finally did tell me he loved her. However, now this week he is saying he is not in love with her like that, but is scared I will hurt him after a couple of months. Please pray for us!! And let me know if there are any services you offer in NJ, if our talk goes well tomorrow. He has been very nice to me this week, even showing more respect and caring. He is also finally sober.

  16. Ken Ken
    July 2, 2015    

    I’ve been married for nearly 15 years and have two children. This month I discovered that wife is in love with another man, and when I confronted her she told me that she cannot love me again. They work together and this is the second time they have fallen for each other with 4 months. The first time it was discovered they ended it, citing their respective marriages and children. This time they both want a divorce. I don’t believe the basis for their relationship is far enough to be true love, more like infatuation. We have been to counseling and I’m there to work on our marriage, but she is there to learn how to end it. I am trying to slow the process down to buy some time as I still love my wife and want to keep our family and marriage in tact. I would appreciate any thoughts, advice or prayers. Thanks.

  17. Dave Dave
    July 23, 2015    

    Hello im in a crisis my wife and i have been together for almost 12 yrs married for five this month. We have seperated five weeks ago when i found out she was kissing another man at work. I did get upset and say some things not meaning to. I know this didnt just happen over nite her wanting to seperate. We hqve had ups and down as most couples have but this time i have finally come to the realization of what she has needed fron me and askin for. I have been distqnt and depressed and blocked out my hole famuly at time especially her and her needs. Ive been controlling and not kept any stability in our lives. Among other things i havent seen because ive been so distant and blind to what is going on. I desperatly want my wife back home but she has started seeing this other guy and pushed me out emotionally and physically. Refuses to discuss reconciling at this point and says she is in a different place than i am on it all. She says she dont know if she wants a divorce but knows she has to have space and time away from me but remain freinds. Ive since been as calm as can be and better understanding on how she and i have gotten to this point in our marriage. She says she loves me and i know that and i love her. But it takes more than love she says and i know that. Im working hard to improve my ways of thinking and reacting to things. She told me to go out on dates and get out that i need to find out for sure our family is what i want. I already know it is and dont beleive dating othr women is right. I love my wife and want her to be able to give me her heart back. we need prayers please and any advice would help thank u so much

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      July 27, 2015    


      I am so sorry for what has happened. However, I applaud you for realizing that there was something that went wrong in your marriage that led to this (though it doesn’t justify it at all). Right now, the best thing you can do is start working on those things that would make her want to come back. Be the man that she needed before…that will help bring her back to you. Don’t date other women…you are still married. Just focus on making you the best that you can be, treating her with respect and love even though you don’t agree with what she is doing, and that is the best place to start right now.

  18. sarah sarah
    August 2, 2015    

    Married 24 years and my spouse strayed and left me for good. I am so hurt. this is the 2nd time this has been done to me by my spouse. I am very disappointed with myself for allowing this to happen to me! I don’t what to think. I am so hurt that he once again took advantage of me knowing how much I loved him!!!!!

  19. CAssidy CAssidy
    August 10, 2015    

    We’ve been married for 14 years and have 3 kids. Recently, I discovered that my husband has an affair online (they dont see each other, only on skype) through facebook using a different name/account but the other woman (separated and with 4 kids, but the kids are not i her custody) knew who he really was. I was so doomed and I confronted him about this but he was so angry denying it and wants us to separate ways just because he’s blaming me for everything in our past arguments. Telling me that I have no proof of his infidelity. But the truth is I know that its true because one friend of ours confirmed it. I also saw the missed calls of the other woman in his phone. I plead/ beg for him to stop this and continue our lives as it was before. He told me that its over, that he dont want me anymore and still insisting that he has no other woman. this happened twice, and twice also I beg and plead for the sake of our kids. And he agreed to keep us together but I feel that he’s different now, I feel that he doesnt love me anymore. By the way, before this arguments happened I sent a message to the other woman on facebook and beg her to stop whatever is happening to them, and that woman also keeps on denying that they have a relationship and she doesnt even know my husband. But I have the proof which I keep to myself because Im afraid that when I give the proof to my husband he will leave us and he will choose the other woman over us. Please help me.

  20. Randy Randy
    August 10, 2015    

    My wife left me for my dad this past Friday. We have two children, 6&8. Please pray for us. I have begged my wife to come back for the past 3 days and today and she says that she does not ever see us getting back together. Please pray. She is a good person who has done a bad thing. I want her back badly.

  21. Nicolas Nicolas
    September 7, 2015    

    My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years, recently I discovered she had been having an affair with a coworker for almost 4 months. She’s my high school sweetheart and I love her with all of my heart. She has now ended that relationship but has left me because she now says she may want to live alone and doesn’t think she’ll come back to me because she says she’s still in love with this other guy and doesn’t think she’ll love me like that again.She’s been gone for 6 weeks now. We started going to counseling but things haven’t changed much and she still doesn’t live with me nor she thinks it would happen any time soon if it even happens at all. I ask anyone that reads this to please keep us in your prayers. She’s all I have. And truly is the love of my life. I miss her dearly…

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      September 11, 2015    

      Definitely praying for you, Nicolas. Please find comfort and hope in our other articles as well.

      I also encourage you to join our private Facebook group called Save My Marriage where many other people are finding guidance and encouragement in the midst of marriage crisis:

  22. Mark Mark
    September 10, 2015    

    I have been married to my wife for 16 years now. About 5 years ago, under my wifes pressure to get friends, I found a female friend that I became friends with and my hopes were that she could help me open up to my wife. My wife over time had started to pull away from me out of fear I would have an affair and she asked me to stop talking to this woman. I kept telling my wife that she was silly because I thought I could resist any temptation.

    Two years ago I started to have feelings for this other woman and started talking to her A LOT over a 3 month period. I becane infatuated with all of the attention I was receiving as my wife continued to pull away. It came to the point after those 3 months that this other woman had told me she loved me and I responded with the same. My wife confronted me about our many thousands of text messages each month a few days after this happened and I denied any involvement with her. I remained friends with her for 3 months after and refused any attempts at counseling with my wife.

    I had an emotional affair with this other woman and after thise 3 months I finally pulled my head out of my bottom because my wife asked for a divorce and broke everything off with the other woman. Things started getting better between my wife and I but I still lied about my involvement with the other woman.

    Fast forward 18 months and God had really been working in my heart to admit everything to my wife and I finally did last October. My wife has been spiraling down ever since and has asked to separate several times with each time I refused because I didn’t want her to associate her relief with me being gone. I continue to give her more and more space to the point where I only talk to her once a day.

    Two days ago I find out from her mom that she is planning on divorcing me.

    What should I do?

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      September 11, 2015    

      Well, Mark, you were right in holding off separation as long as possible. You need extreme intervention right now. Nothing you say or do is going to help because she doesn’t believe you right now. I know it may sound impossible, but I would really encourage you to look into our 3 day workshop for marriages in crisis. Well over 70% of marriages that attend are in this situation, and we have a 77% success rate at saving those marriages. You can find out more about it here:

      I also encourage you to join our private Save My Marriage Facebook group by clicking here:

  23. Irina Irina
    September 17, 2015    

    I am struggling with a huge decision. I have been with my husband 11 years and married for 7 years. In 2013 things started to go down hill. He was not communicating with me and never really has or showed emotion. I feel he neglects me and does not care about me. I feel alone even when he is there. Feels like no love and no spark and we would barely ever have sex maybe 1-2 times a month. I am 31 and he is 41. He tells me to find another man. And it is ok. I can leave and come back and do what I want. This hurts I feel he does not love me. He left in 2014 to work and I barely talked to him. I started talking to men but nothing serious. I tried to divorce and cut things off and he wouldn’t work with me. I forgot about it and moved on and dated. It was not working with the other men. So I decided to concentrate on myself. Then when I least suspect it a man comes into my life. My husband lived and worked in another city but came home this year march when he was laid off. He knows I am dating this man. So this man only together 2 months. But he is everything I want and need and desire. The passionate side and emotional, intellect side, everything is there. It is scary but good scary. He wants to marry me and have a kid and so do I. He knows i’m married and I have two boys. Now my husband finally talks to me and opens up after I want to leave. But he is not trying to save our marriage he goes back and forth and I don’t like that it does not feel safe and secure and stable. I am scared because I don’t want to break up our family and tear them apart but I don’t want to be in a loveless marriage and I don’t want to hurt him. My new partner is beyond words to explain the love we have for eachother. He is my everything and we share everything together. He wants me to get divorced before we live together…but he jokes lots about cheating on me. I don’t like this…we had a serious talk and he apologized he said that is who he is to joke but he would never ever do that to me….what do I do. my husband is not a bad guy, doesn’t lie, cheat, does not abuse me or does not drink, gamble or do drugs…he is a very good man and father….there is just no connection there and the new guy is everything but I am unsure…I don’t want to remarry and have him cheat on me or leave me…i’m stuck and scared…I do not want to break up my family but I do not want to lose the new guy and I don’t want to be in a loveless marriage….i’m stuck, scared and confused….PLEASE HELP and prayers are appreciated…thank you.

  24. Sanders Sanders
    September 26, 2015    

    ive been with my wife for 9years… only married for 2 of those. i was an empty shell and we broke up six times before we got married during our 7 dating years. this was my fault for leaving every time things got tough. at the end of the marriage she told me we needed counseling and i said no. i did nothing and i wasnt there for her. i dont believe shes ever cheated before and nor have i… but i believe she found comfort texting another man even if it were innocent at first. she left me 2 and a half months ago and she is seeing this man now… but i believe she fell for him even before she moved out. the divorce gets finalized in a little over a week and i finally spoke to her to tell her how sorry i am for everything.. forgave her for everything and made huge revelations about how im taking my life and newfound faith absolutely seriously. she seemed attentive and caring and thanked me for being so honest. i know if a miracle were to save my marriage it would have to happen within the week… or it could save the relationship after the divorce… but how will she come to terms that she belongs with me and not the man who stole her heart because it was vulnerable from my own neglect? i truly love my wife more than this other man ever could… but i dont know if she sees that. i want her back but made sure she knows that i changed myself not for that reason but because i NEEDED to change. please pray for my wife and myself and that my relationship can be mended even if its too late to save the marriage. thank you and God bless.

  25. Sandy Sandy
    October 31, 2015    

    Please pray for our marriage, were have been married for 9 years this coming Aprtl. My husband moved out of our home 19 months ago and in with another women.
    He tells me he loves her, yet he calls and text me all the time and tells me he still loves me. I have been helping him financially since he moved out so I wonder if that is why he loves me. Recently I cut all money off but he’s still on my health insurance, I’m not sure of her really loves me or is just using me. Even with what he has done I still love him and would take him back on a heart beat, I believe in our marriage vows and don’t want a divorce and he says he don’t want one but is it because of they don’t work he has me to come running back to! I have put home and all the bills he has no responsibilities with her…. Please help.

  26. Nomathamsanqa Nomathamsanqa
    November 13, 2015    

    My husband Tendai left me for another woman 3 months ago. The main reason being he just doesn’t love me no more. Please help me pray for restoration of our marriage and the love that existed before.

  27. Jake Jake
    December 4, 2015    

    Is it ok if my wife is still in contact with the other guy while we are trying to fix our marriage?

  28. Heather Heather
    December 5, 2015    

    I have been married for almost 9 years, together for 11 years. We have had a rough year with extended family issues and then a miscarriage. I withdrew for about a month and then my husband announced that in my depression her reached out to my best friend for advice and then they fell in love. He moved out and straight into her house. I still want our marriage to work……is that possible?

    • Mary Mary
      December 24, 2015    

      Anything is possible if u trust in God a & have faith in God Hebrews 11:6. I pray for u.

  29. Indu Indu
    December 19, 2015    

    Hi I am married for 2 years..every time I hoped for the love and care frim my husband…but I never felt such thing…even if we have time together we get lonely…I don’t even know what the quality time is…he never involves into his life affairs….I had miscarriage before 8 month…..last month I revealed his conversation with his staff…they admitted they love eachother….I with the help of family warned him …we live in conservative society where women have no other way to new life after breakup in marriage….now he decided to leAve her n stay with me….but he said he lost charm in his life…he is not happy with me….he never share things…I am just his compulsion not desire..he told his life is he’ll forever….m so sad…how to bring charm in our relationship no idea…help me please…

  30. J J
    December 20, 2015    

    I have a question, I recently found out that my wife of 12 years has been having an affair. She went on a missions trip with our church and connected with one of the other members and the affair started shortly after they returned. I confronted her about it once I found out. We seperatly have talked to our associate pastor who lead me here. At this time she is still madly in love and tolerance with the other guy. She doesn’t know yet what she wants to do. We have 3 children together.
    I am in the military and on leave now through Jan 3rd. She says she needs space to figure things out and I’m pretty sure she is going to ask me to go stay with a friend for the remainder of my leave after Christmas. If she asks this, should I go or tell her I’m not leaving? I still love my wife and already told her that I forgive her and that I want us to work things out but she doesn’t want to hear any of that. Any advice would be appreciated.

  31. Mary Mary
    December 24, 2015    

    Before thanksgiving day my life turn worst. Found out my hubby was still cheating me with same woman I caught him cheating back 2012. He left me & moved with her for 6 months. Than was ready to give up after all my pain. Than he comes back to me & tells me I love u & I’m sorry. We been marriage for 16 years now until today found out he still talking to her. But doesn’t live with her. My heart broke & told me he wants to end & that he doesn’t love me anymore. I have been crying out to the Lord constantly for answers to my prayers ever since my husband doesn’t wanta be with me & he’s cheated me. I pray God to restore my marriage, to heal my heart, to wake up my husband that I met , to draw us close the Lord and draw us to each other, to reveal to me His will… I keep hoping & praying that the Lord will not allow us to be divorced or annulled. But is so hard to wait… to keep hoping… Oftentimes I don’t know what to do or say to God that I just cry out. The pain is so deep I find it hard to breathe. I fear waking up in the morning because of the heaviness of my heart. I find it extremely difficult to focus. It has now suffered and I’m afraid. Please pray for me and my husband. It is my fervent desire to be reconciled to him. I am running out of hope…I wish he loves me & never separate each other. I wish he was faithful & never break my heart. I wish he wakes up & realize everything he has done to me & his 4 kids. All this years I try hard to explain him what bothering me. But he doesn’t care. It hurts so much. Without him I no longer want life. I promise to god I will vow my marriage forever until death do us apart. I want God in our life & in my marriage. God is my only hope & faith. I trust u in God. I won’t lose hope. Your my father ,my lord , my God. I wish no more suffering & happy lasting life & marriage with my husband. I try to ask my husband lets go church & have God with us. But he doesn’t want God. He wants us over. This woman he talking only wants his money. And doesn’t care we’re together. She’s put curse on us & wants to destroy my marriage. She tricks him of her being sweet person & my hubby tells me she doesn’t fight or argue. She fully understand me. I had spoke to her & beg her to leave us alone. She laughs & doesn’t care if my pain. My hubby cheats on me cuz we have arguments ever time. he’s never home & always working everyday since he owns his business. Always comes home late & turns his phone off at night. He never spends with my or my kids. My kids are already suffering so much. I’m losing it. It hurts badly . I know this isn’t him. All change since 2012. Since he decide to cheat me. Hide things behind my back & lies to me so much. Plz pray for us.

  32. liz liz
    January 7, 2016    

    I want to save my marriage

    • liz liz
      January 7, 2016    

      Please help me

      • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
        January 8, 2016    

        Please call us at 615.472.1161 or fill out one of our forms on our site. We would love to help you.

  33. Sad girl Sad girl
    January 17, 2016    

    Been married for 11 years with 6 kids. My husband has gotten too close to a girl that works for us. I have been warning him for a while that she seems to have no boundaries. He admitted he was attracted to her but not to worry about it. He has been under a lot of major stress at work and had a conversation with the girl telling her that he has fallen in love with her but is committed to his wife and kids. I phoned the girl telling her she had no respect for my marriage. She admitted she has been struggling wth her desire for him and has been flirting. Lucky for me nothing happened and her Paster at old her not to return to work which she has done. The problem is my husband has also admitted to not feeling in love with me. He said he never has felt a spark or romance with me. We are best friends, our sex life is good, but I’m so unloved! He is doing everything right and is trying so hard but I’m struggling to forgive and forget. Can he fall in love with me? Was he just too overwhelmed at work and have some kind of mental breakdown? He said he feels to tired and stressed to feel anything, but how come he was able to feel for this girl? Did she mentally and emotionally take advantage of his needs? Did I fail him in some way?

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      January 21, 2016    

      It is likely limerence. He is likely rewriting history with you and is stuck in the limerence right now. Please search our website for more free articles about limerence. We also have a podcast on iTunes, Marriage Radio, where you can listen to hours of free content that will help you in this situation.

    • wolveschaos wolveschaos
      February 5, 2016    

      If you failed him, then he would have truly strayed. He may say that he is not in love with you, but I believe that respect, responsibility, and commitment is love. He may not be “In love” with you right now, perhaps romance is missing or that the two of you, like so many couples, have fallen into a rhythmic marriage. Rhythmic in a sense that everything is predictable and no longer is exciting. You did not fail, but maybe you can do something to bring back the excitement? Perhaps there are things that you need to do together to rekindle those old feelings. A vacation perhaps, or a change in wardrobe? Maybe even additional sexual exploration? Me, i’m just suggesting things I can think off, but all that being said, the purpose of this comment is to state: YOU DID NOT FAIL.

  34. Dave Dave
    February 2, 2016    

    Married 10 years. Separated 2 months I kicked her out of the house. I caught her at a restaurant with a young kid. We are both 28. She said she is having a midlife crisis and now has a dating profile. We have a 3 year old boy and I am trying to stay strong. As last resort I will file divorce papers. We tried counseling prior to this but she was already with this guy for 4 months! I invited her back into our marriage as long as she can come clean and show remorse. In her mind she has done nothing wrong. I know she is having a hard time living by herself in her apartment but she doesn’t make any effort to try to win my trust.

  35. wolveschaos wolveschaos
    February 5, 2016    

    I may be wrong, but this is my take on it. NEVER DIVORCE. Since in most state, adultery is no longer a justifiable reason for divorce. Instead of throwing her out, start ignoring her. If she is unemployed, stop giving her money to run the household. Do it yourself. If you have children, take care of them financially yourself, do not let her use them against you. Stay in a separate bedroom if you must. Start treating her like a housekeeper instead. Don’t be angry, just civil. Slowly cut her out of your emotional life. Start dating, meet new women, rebuild your confidence. Separate your finances, take what you believe is yours. But NEVER EVER agree to a divorce. Let the stronger person win. Let her move out if she can’t take your attitude anymore. If she leaves and shacks up with someone else, let her. But don’t divorce her. Not until she sign an agreement that she takes NOTHING! If she is employed herself, let her take what is hers, nothing more.

  36. Gi Gi
    March 14, 2016    

    Sorry my english is bad. Been married for 7 years, We were chatmate for 2 years and got married. I moved in to his country. During our honeymoon stage , I discovered that my husband was not sexually active. After 3 months that we’ve been married, he got a knee surgery to repair his meniscus and healed for 2 months. I initiate to have sex but my husband cannot gt hard anymore, he struggles with erectile dysfunction. The doctor gave him pills, but still cannot gt hard. As a woman it was not easy for me, I was young and I need sex. But I am deeply inlove with my husband who is 12 years older than me. I understand him , I will never imagine my life without my husband, so I accepted the reality. I never look for another man. I concentrate my life with my work, internet and smetimes I forgot to prepare him a food, i got lazy. Because I was too confident that my husband will not find another woman. Until last February 2016 I visited my family in asia. I stayed for one month. During my second weeks in my country he was so sweet, sent me messages and called me, until my last week of vacation he sent me message if we can separate for a while. He said he need space and he want me to move out not so far from our apartment. he will help everything i need. He want to know If he will still miss me if he will not see me. But i discovered that he has chatmate also an asian. I confronted him. I asked him when they started as a girlfriend boyfriend he said during when i was in asia. I asked him if he love the woman, he said he dont know. But his love for me is still there but not so strong like before. I still live in our apartment but he show always that he still care for me. He still call me LOVE OR BABY. I asked him again last night if our marriage is finally over. He answered no. But i cannot stand everytime he chat the other woman.
    I want my husband back. I really love my husband. It does not matter even without sex forever. What should i do. Please help me

  37. Evelyn Evelyn
    April 14, 2016    

    Please pray for my marriage my husband and I have been married for almost ten years together almost twelve. We were very young when we got married. We have a nine years old that is hurting a lot bc of the situation we are in and a three year old. I moved out from his house three years ago but we both decided on working on our marriage living apart and when he was responsible we would move in again. We still went out as a family and our children knew we were together and that we would move back in this year. A month ago he told me he is in love with someone else that he met less than three months ago and no longer wants to be with me. That he wants a divorce. My heart hurts my son is so sad and I do not know what to do. I love my husband and I have want us to work again. I have hope and pray to God everyday.

  38. Michelle Michelle
    May 2, 2016    

    Me and my husband have been together for 5 years married for 3 years right before our 5 years together he left me and said he didnt want to be with me anymore that he wasnt in love i still tried to hang on. He refused almost everything i tried he wouldnt come home started drinking neglected his kids. In the time all we did is live together and have sex, we didnt even share the same room. Months later i found out i was pregnant and moved far away. He acted as if he wanted to save our marriage when i left and spoke about moving to where i was and working it out. When he would come visit every few weekends we would go on dates and be happy. He ended up moving back but instantly became distant the next day. He left back to where he used to live for a day and didnt contact me at this time i found out that even before he broke things off with me he had been being with another woman. So he hid it for 6 months and never came clean. When i asked him he admitted it but said he wanted to work things out. He is very distant i am willing to work it out but i dont know how to if all he’s saying is that he wants to work it out but makes no effort. I feel invisible most days and dont know whether to give up

    • Kimberly Holmes Kimberly Holmes
      May 4, 2016    

      Hi Michelle,

      We actually did a radio show on a similar topic the other day. Please go to and listen to some of our shows!

  39. Hardik Hardik
    May 21, 2016    

    Its been 7 years i married my wife my love . we have a 4 years old little princes. Before 2 years i came to know that my wife has an affair with her boss. She initially told me that we are just friends. But later on i recognized that they both have an affair. I checked her call detalis and notice tht she used to talk to him for hours when i was at work. Now she is in deep love with him. She is asking me to give divorce. I am totally broken. I love her like anything. She is telling me that he cares for her a lot. Even i care for her a lot. I love her a lot. I dont want to leave her. God please help me getting her back and start loving me as before. I am totally getting destroyed without her. Please help me. Please. Please

  40. Kerry Kerry
    May 27, 2016    

    About a year ago my wife told me that she didn’t love me. She claimed that our entire relationship (wedding vows included) had been nothing more than fantasy. All the love she gave me during that time wasn’t ever real. She said that she still loved her high school boyfriend and would rather be with him. We have been married for 11 years with 4 children. He’s married with children and she has only spoken to him a couple times in the past decade. She understands that she will not ever get to be with him and is willing to stay with me for the meantime. But how can I stay married to someone who refuses to love me, openly admits to wanting someone else, and denies ever loving me despite almost 12 years of marriage? She tells me it was never real, but it was real for me and our 4 kids are real. They deserve parents who love each other. Please help.

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