My Spouse is in Love with Someone Else

Unhappy Man And Angry Woman Leaving After Quarrel

You suspected it long before you knew it for sure.

Your spouse changed but you couldn’t quite explain the changes in a way that seemed to make sense to anyone else. You thought that you were imagining things, being insecure. Then you began to vacillate, worrying that you must be right but telling yourself that surely you aren’t. When you asked questions, the answers seemed a little too slick, too rehearsed. Sometimes your questions hit harder and your spouse reacted with anger or sarcasm, telling you that you’re paranoid. If you suspected a particular person, your spouse reassured you that there was nothing going on and that this person is a friend…maybe even your friend…and it wasn’t fair to think that about them.

Finally, you made the discovery. Maybe you checked the cell phone bill, read emails, found a note or letter in a pocket or purse, or, even worse, someone saw them and told you about it. When you confronted, denial reigned.

But not forever.

Eventually, your mate told you that it’s over between the two of you. He or she is in love with the other person. Prepare for divorce. Cooperate and they will make things easy for you. Refuse to cooperate and you will find yourself in a bloody legal battle. Maybe your spouse cajoled, or threatened, in a concerted effort to keep you from telling anyone what was happening. He or she did everything possible to keep you from going to your church leaders, their boss, your family, your in-laws, and maybe even your best friend. Secrecy helped them, not you, but because you thought there might be a chance to keep him or her calm and possibly stop this nightmare, you allowed yourself to be manipulated.

Maybe your abandoning spouse had a period of hesitation. He or she tried to end the affair, and told you that they were willing to work on the marriage. Maybe the paramour found a way to get to him or her, rekindled the passion and convinced your spouse that he or she will never be happy without them. If your spouse went back to the affair the second time, it seemed to have much more power over them than in the beginning.

By the time you broke your silence, things had evolved to an almost impossible situation. Your church leaders tried, but had no success in righting the wrong behavior of your spouse. They found themselves listening to how terrible it is to be married to you, or how hypocritical they were to tell someone else to do right. They might even have heard the startling news that God Himself sent the lover and that He wants them to be together. Or, they might have heard that your spouse no longer believes what they once believed, so the church folks may as well go bother someone who buys into their malarkey.



The fact is that even in these situations a possibility exists that the marriage can be saved and, with time, made good again. That may sound Pollyannaish, but I’ve personally witnessed it repeatedly over the last sixteen years. My faith in God tells me through His power anything can be done. My faith in people has been strengthened by experiencing God intervening in lives even when a person wanted God to leave him or her alone to do what they wanted to do.

A straying partner who has convinced him- herself that life will be wonderful with the new person seldom decides that before he or she leaves they should take one more run at saving the marriage. It’s much more likely that the abandoning spouse will avoid anything that might convince him or her to stop the new relationship and heal the marriage. However, I’ve witnessed case after case in which those marriages were saved, sometimes even after the divorce took place. One couple remarried after being divorced ten years! I don’t mean to give false hope. There are marriages that are doomed and no matter what happens, it will end and never be healed. On the other hand, for many years I’ve seen the salvaging of marriages that seemingly everyone else has given up on.

Admittedly, I become frustrated with leaders or counselors who too quickly encourage the abandoned spouse to accept that it’s over and move on. Yes, that advice is sound when there is no hope. However, my experience is that too often we don’t count on the power of God and, therefore, make premature judgments about how hopeless a situation might be. I’ll make another admission; I’ve gone through marriage intensives with couples that at the end I would have predicted there was no way they would heal their marriage. Yet I saw it work out.


I think that’s a fairly good word to use when God’s involved.

For example, recently a couple came through our weekend intensive workshop for marriages in crisis that shared a remarkable story. Though highly involved in their church, she had gotten too close to another member and that had gradually led to adultery. Neither meant for it to happen. No one went looking for that kind of relationship. Like so many others they didn’t understand the danger and forged ahead with a friendship that was destined to become a passion. By the time they realized they were on the wrong path, they were so enmeshed with each other that they were convinced that the best thing for everyone – spouses, children, church – was to divorce their spouses and marry each other. The night she told her husband her plans, the emotion was so intense that soon she was in a deep sleep. He interpreted that as her not caring. The real cause of her deep slumber was the depth of her emotional state. Nevertheless, he spent the rest of the night praying over her sleeping body. He prayed that God would convict her heart; that He would somehow reduce or remove the emotions she had for the other man.

It worked.

The next morning she awakened with the realization that she wanted to save her marriage and wanted very much to get past the feelings she had for her lover. Shortly thereafter they were in our workshop to learn how it happened, how to heal it, and how to grow in love like they never had before.

That’s the only time I’ve heard the story work just that way.

More often the abandoned spouse prays and prays but the abandoning spouse reacts callously. They don’t want to see the error of their actions. They don’t want to face the guilt of their wrongdoing. They seek any counsel, from Christians or otherwise, that empathizes with their position and gives any encouragement whatsoever.

Does that mean prayer has no power?

Not at all.

It means that sometimes God works directly on a person’s heart in ways beyond human understanding, and sometimes He uses other methodologies. Praying is powerful. So is doing the right things.

If your spouse has told you that he or she is in love with someone else, I suggest you do the following things.

Ask Yourself This Question

Before giving up on a straying spouse, it would behoove you to ask, “Is my spouse a bad person doing a bad thing, or a good person doing a bad thing?”

Good people sometimes do really stupid things. However, if at heart they are good people, they are worth rescuing. It’s your choice, of course, and you can tell your straying spouse to leave and never return. Or, if he or she is a good person involved in a bad situation, you can fight to save your marriage. Our experience is that if a good person gets straightened out, not only can the marriage be saved, but it can be stronger and more loving than it was before.

Things NOT to Do

If you decide to try to save your marriage, immediately stop allowing your spouse to manipulate you in any way. Don’t make things easy for him or her. Slow things down and drag things out even if it makes them angry. Time is on your side, especially if you continually pray for God to intercede and bring trials and tribulations into the sinful relationship.

At the same time, do not cling, beg, whine, plead, or manipulate. It makes you less attractive and intensifies whatever justification he or she has mentally made that allows leaving you. Be strong. Make it clear that while you would like to save the marriage, your life will go on and you will prosper if they don’t come back.

This is very, very important.

When a person believes that you are there no matter what they do, they have no compulsion to do right. When they see that you can live happily without them, you become more attractive.

Things to Do

Take care of yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Your life will not end if your marriage ends. God will still be in heaven. He will still love you. Other people in your life who care about you will still care about you. No matter how much you love your spouse, life can go on and be good if he or she leaves you. The time to take care of you is NOT after the chaos has ended. You must do it now. It benefits you. It benefits your family. And, believe it or not, it often helps bring the spouse back, though you cannot do it for only that reason.

When you are sure that your spouse is involved in something, or with someone, that is wrong, arrange a group to do an intervention. There are time-tested and proven ways to do interventions. You cannot be part of the actual intervention, so pick people that he or she respects or cares about. If your children are old enough, add them to the group; they make great interveners. For step-by-step instructions, click intervention. Share this link with everyone who will help in the intervention.

Make an offer of some benefit that will come to your straying spouse if he or she agrees to try at least one thing to save the marriage. Pray for wisdom as to what may motivate your spouse. Our experience is that they are unlikely to agree to a lengthy counseling period, but that likely they will agree to come to our three-day marriage intensive. People have come to our workshop to salve their consciences, to get their church leaders off their backs, to make the children happy, to get a better deal in the divorce, and more. Are those good reasons to come? Any reason is a good reason because for over a decade our success record is three out of four couples, even for those who did not want to be there and for those who came while madly in love with someone else.

Whether you use our services, a counselor full of faith, a minister, or any other help, do something. If you have a desire to save your marriage, act. Sitting alone while having a pity party does nothing good for you or anyone else. You cannot make your spouse do right, but you can make yourself get out of the dumps and back on the road of faith in the God who speaks universes into existence. He will not abandon you, even if your spouse does.

Your fullness of life is in Him.

Trust that.

Many couples who have come to our workshop came while one spouse was “madly in love” with someone else. We see miracles every month. If you wish to save your marriage, wish to heal, and wish to help your spouse heal, please call us toll free at 866-903-0990 or complete the form below for more information. We care and we wish to help. Our success rate over the last decade is three out of four marriages saved, even when adultery, porn, anger, or other things have deeply hurt the relationship! We also offer solutions for couples who can’t attend the workshop.

Get More Information On Our Marriage Helper 911 Workshop.

We keep your information completely confidential.

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(Tell us about your situation if you wish & the how/when to contact you): *


  1. Gustavo B. says

    I`ve been married for three years now to my wife Fabiola, earlier this week she said she doesn`t love me anymore and wants to leave me. She said that she is in love with another man, I do not accept this since we married each other and our vows were forever till death do us part. Today she spoke to a divorce lawyer on how to proceed with it. Our marriage has never been perfect but she loved me, I`m not an easy person to live with but neither is she, we both have explosive personalities. I really need prayers for my marriage to not end, since she says that any day now when I come back home from work her things won`t be here and neither will she and I`ll never know where she went to. Please help us with your prayers and God bless you all.

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      We will definitely keep you both in our prayers. If you haven’t already, I highly suggest that you contact Johnny, our Marriage Helper representative, at 615.636.8086. He can give you more information about our highly effective programs we have to help you save your marriage.

    • John Kirlew says

      I am sorry for your pain and hurt. This thing we call marriage can be so painful and hurt so much at the end. It was never meant to be this way yet for so many it ends bad. I will say a prayer for you and your wife tonight and my god give you the strength to weather through the storm. My wife has recently left me after 13 years and the hurt, pain and love I have for her is never ending. Please turn to the bible and try and get help and assistance during this time of stress.

  2. Monika says

    Please pray for my relationship to last. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and 5 months ago he send a message to another girl to tell her that he loves her.he also later tolld me that it would be hard to end their relationship and that he talks to her about everything. I have a 1 year old daughter with him and I hope that he will try to make it work.

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      I am sorry that this has happened. While I understand that you want to make your relationship work because of your child that you have together, you must also really decide if this is the kind of behavior that you should have to deal with for the rest of your life. Since you are not married yet, you do have the option to decide if you want something better for yourself. However, you can still make this relationship work. There are some more articles on our website that could help you figure this out.

  3. janie says

    Hello me and my husband resently separated he has another woman and is “in love” with her we have been together for 4 years n only married 6months. It still has not sunk in that he has left. He already has her in his house im pregnant and have a 3 yr old i really dont know what to do i really love him and will like to work things out

    • Kimberly Holmes says


      That’s a very difficult situation. I’m sorry to hear of all that has occurred. We can definitely help your marriage, and we have seen situations like this in the past. There is still hope. Please contact us.

  4. Fran says

    My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs married 4yrs in total and seperated for 2 of those 4yrs. Through out the entire relationship I was the more dominant one. I worked and he took care of home. I expressed my frustrations time and time again. His sons mother and his mother were disrespectful toward me on occassions and when I expressed how it made me feel he never addressed it. Giving me the impression he didn’t care about me enough. I eventually started seeing someone else. Through our entire separation my husband has expressed how he wanted his family back. By this time he has been dating other women as well. This past Nov. I agreed to work on us. Since me giving him the green light nothing has happened. We have meaningless convo. The more I listen to the things he says I can’t stand him. I’ve expressed that I’m not happy in this situation due to no effort being shown on his end. I told him we should just divorce but he just thinks I’m blowing hot air. I’m not in love with this man and haven’t been for a while now. Please help!

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      Fran, it is not unusual for a spouse to show intense desire to reconcile a marriage and then once the wandering spouse agrees, they no longer show the same level of interest. In fact, it is common for the spouse wanting to work on the marriage (your husband in this case) to become angry or even apathetic after the straying spouse concedes to fixing it. When the spouse is straying, there is a level of fear that propels wanting to get him or her back. Once there is a sense of some kind of security, they let the anger show and get the best of them. This does not mean that you should go back to not wanting to pursue the marriage. Instead, try to understand that he is in pain, and isn’t dealing with it in the best way. There is help and hope for your situation. There really is. It may take some work. The marriage didn’t get this way overnight, and it will take more than a day to fix it. It does seem that there is something that keeps pulling one of you back to the relationship…some rope that gives you a reason to try and work it out. That’s good – and it shouldn’t be avoided. I strongly suggest that you look into our workshop for marriages in crisis. It would turn your marriage around.

  5. Noemi says

    My husband and I have been together for five years and married for four. We have three children together, 3,2, and a five week old(newborn). My husband is in the army and has been deployed for almost nine months now. We used to message and skype all of the time until November when he started to become distant and making up excuses as to why he couldn’t talk to me. I knew something wasn’t right and there had to be something going on, so i checked his messages and emails and found out he’s cheating on me with another girl over there. Apparently they are in love and he’s planning to leave me as soon as he gets back home next month. I don’t think he knows that I know yet since we haven’t been talking for a while. I really don’t know what to do. I never thought my husband would ever cheat on me. I feel like I don’t even know who he is anymore and I’m not sure that I want to be with him after this. If we somehow work through this episode, how can I ever trust him again? Prayers would be much appreciated!!

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      It is possible to save your marriage from an affair, and it is possible to have an even stronger marriage than before after it. Your husband being in the army means that he has many, many negative consequences that he could face from being involved in an affair, as affairs actually require legal action in the military. If you choose to work on your marriage and do what you can to save it, then you are in a good position to do so. If you want to know more about marriage help, please contact us.

  6. Lillian says

    I’be been married for 6 years and found out my husband has another woman. After I confronted him, he admitted and said that he was madly in love with her and that their relationship was already beyond sexual. He confessed that they had 18 month together (the other woman is also married). I got angry and get hurt. However I told him I took responsibility for whatever I did wrong that made him go after another woman. I expressed my willing to work on this marriage and make it work despite the infidelity. I asked him to go to counseling with me.Yet he said no. I asked them both to stop communicating for a while, they both promise they would, but to no avail. my husband made clear to me that he doesn’t love me and that he doesn’t want anything with me. He said that he is happy in a way he never was with me and that he regrets marrying me. I can no longer deal with the pain. I can no longer endure how he goes and meets with her. So I decided to move to another state to heal my heart. I wonder is this the right decision? I love him and want nothing more than my marriage to be healed and have the loving relationship we once had. I truly want work it out but he doesn’t and even though I’m leaving, i can’t stop questioning myself. If leaving ( at least for now) is the right decision. Your prayers are most needed and appreciated.

    • Kimberly Holmes says


      It is a hard decision that you have made, but as long as you have expressed to your spouse that you wish to save the marriage and he refuses to no avail, then the time comes that he must deal with consequences of his actions. We have some podcasts related to this topic as well. I suggest that you check those out.

  7. Kasumi says

    My husband and I have been married for 31.5 years and together for 34. He had his first affair (that I know of for sure) after our second child–a boy–when we were married 8 years. We went through marriage and individual counseling for 3 years and stayed together. We thought we were stronger than even and he promised that he would never hurt me like that again.

    However 23 years later, he’s in an affair with a woman who works in the same building I do. He would go she her at her office and not come by to see me. When he admitted it, he told me there had been a few others, but that she is the one who is worth it. She will do whatever he wants whenever he wants, and I’m too busy.

    He left me on June 19, and moved into her house. He said that he wanted to figure himself out, but I don’t know how he will do that while under the influence of this woman. He keeps saying he wants a divorce, but he hasn’t done anything about it. I ended having to be the one who filed. I got an attorney because he just wanted to go, leaving me with the mortgage and all the bills–taking all his retirement and 401K. Now, he’s been dragging his feet because he’s mad that I got an attorney to protect myself from his unfair idea of how we should split things.

    It’s been 7 months. I wanted to try counseling, but he said “I don’t want to.” He said that he told me back in 2011 that “you need to get on the bandwagon or I’m going to start looking around.” He’s never said that to me. He says it’s over and that he wants to “end it.” Yet, he doesn’t do anything about it.

    He took this woman to meet his family after Christmas. He’s moved on, yet he’s keeping me trapped in a “marriage(?)”. I don’t understand it. I would like to at least go to counseling so me and my adult children can understand what happened, but he won’t do it.

    I still love him, and he says that “I still love you, but I’m not in love with you.” If that’s true, I don’t understand why he won’t let me go. I’m committed to my marriage and would (and never have) cheat on him. I will remain faithful until I’m released, but he just won’t do it. I don’t understand it. Everyday is torture for me–being married to someone who is treating another woman like his wife, and he her husband.

    I pray for him, and grudgingly try to pray for her also. It’s hard because I know her. We even talked about him together … all the while she was sleeping with him. I feel betrayed by the both of them.

    I want God’s will in this situation. I don’t know if this marriage is salvageable. If I take him back (again) will he continue to cheat on me? Is it worth it to be his doormat–his backup plan?

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      Kasumi, Clearly what your husband is doing is not right. You should not be the doormat, or the backup plan, and our Marriage Recovery video series talks more about that. However, as bad as everything seems, yes your marriage is salvageable. However, saving it will mean putting your marriage on a different path to keep another affair from happening in the future. We can help you with that.

  8. Tina says

    I could never do that to another human being. My husband has been with a home wrecking woman, if you can call her that, for nearly 7 years. She is an awful human being who stops at nothing to flaunt her affair with my husband. I understand that he is no longer in love with me, however, I cannot accept that he is with this horrible human being. He is my heart and I would pick him every single time. Our son is a reminder of happier times.

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      Tina, I am sorry for your pain. There is a lot of hurt that occurs when your husband has an affair. Let us know if we can help.

  9. Sayed says

    I`ve been married for more then three years now to my wife Elita, before Xmas she said she doesn`t feel me anymore and wants to stay separate to see she can stay without me or not . Then I found that she like her Boss by checking her phn then I ask her She said we are friend after another day I spoke with her she said he is the person who understand her most its feels like they are made for each other , I do not accept this since we married each other and our vows were forever till death do us part. Im not an easy person to live with I begged Her give me one chance we can short our problem out she use to love me lot more then anything I did to but I couldnt express properly she didnt give me any chance she said its too late :( .She is looking for house to separate from me, she cant see me she said when you are around she feels like not safe coz I was checking her phn & suspicious about things. I really need prayers for my marriage to not end, Please help us with your prayers and God bless you all.

    • Kimberly Holmes says


      I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I pray that your wife will see what is happening and choose differently. I also pray that God would give you the strength, courage, and knowledge to do whatever you can do to save your marriage even though right now it may seem hopeless.

  10. Anisha Humphre says

    Hello. I knew my estranged spouse for 15 years prior to us getting married in 2007. There were many things he put me through shortly after we got married when things began to come to light in 2008. In 2011, he walked out on me and the marriage. I haven’t filed for divorce and I don’t know if he did. At one point, he was trying to file for divorce online but needed certain information to complete the process but he didn’t have it. Up to date, I learned through facebook that he went right into a relationship shortly after leaving me and is now engaged. My prayers haven’t been consistant as I struggled with so many emotions of how he did things. Now being back on track in my walk, I don’t know if it’s too late to try and save my marriage 4 years later..What should I do?

    • Kimberly Holmes says

      Are you still married, or are you divorced? I strongly recommend tuning in to our live, call-in radio program that is on every Tuesday and Thursday night from 7 pm CST to 9 pm CST. Joe Beam, the marriage expert, would be able to ask you the questions that you need to help you think through how to proceed.

  11. tasha says

    My husband and i have been married for almost twelve years and have seemed to hit our lowest point. From the beginning it is clear to me now that we never set boundary lines. Seems like every year we keep coming back to the point of him and other women. It’s been from chatting online that he called “recreational” to inappropriate conversations on social media, talking to one that i know of parents at the school, keeping pictures of this woman who was “stalking” him and now he’s been talking to one of his classmates and says that he loves her. I can admit my faults in snooping through his phone, online,his bag, and even recorded his phone conversation while me and our child was gone. Each time when ive felt him pulling away emotionally it’s been something. At one point i was over it and resorted to someone else as well. After we lost our child in 2007 he wanted to separate because i had been through his phone tge same day i lost the baby. I was vulnerable and made the mistake of allowing God’s test to become temptation by following through. I evolved with this man but never pushed my husband away instead i reached for him even more but he continued to push away. I ended the relationship with that man after realizing that the connection i was looking for could only come from God. Time went along and we continued to go through this cycle of other women. I ask him if there’s something i need to do or stop doing and he claims that all is well and that he loves me. His words are just words to me. With this last instance ki asked him did he love this woman our was he in love with this woman and he said that he loved her as a person. He also said that he cut off communication with her. We’ve both hurt each other so much and the trust in at a level two. I honestly want to trust and forgive him but i also have a hard time forgiving myself. Please pray for our marriage and our family.

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