The extent of the research and the methodology employed far surpassed any study before it.

Published by the University of Chicago in 1994, the “public” version of the report was provocatively titled Sex in America. The scientific version carried the duller title of The Social Organization of Sexuality. Though all sex studies are controversial, this one did its homework in its attempt to avoid research flaws and to get as true a representation of America as possible. Trained workers interviewed 3,432 scientifically randomly selected American men and women across America between the ages of 18 and 59.

One unexpected finding was that sex is not happening as much as most folks thought. The research indicates “about a third have sex with a partner at least twice a week, a third have sex with a partner a few times a month, and the rest have sex with a partner a few times a year or have no sexual partners at all.” How do those numbers change if you leave out singles and consider only those that are married? It seems that 20% of married couples between the ages of 18 and 59 have sex with each other ten times or less per year. Another 15% have sex with each other about twice a month or less. The “ten time or less” couples are often referred to as no-sex marriages (or sexless marriages) and the “about twice a month” group as low-sex marriages. In this article, we’ll combine them into the term sexless marriages.

Why should sexless marriages concern Christians? First, there is a Biblical imperative that should prevent Christian couples from having sexless marriages, but they exist anyway. Second, ample research exists to show that marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction rise and fall together. If one or both mates are sexually dissatisfied, that negatively affects their satisfaction with their marriage as a whole. Third, medical science has found that those having sexual fulfillment benefit medically in important ways. If we believe that Christians must take care of their bodies, then we should believe that they must be sexually active in their marriages. Fourth, pornography. It may be that a sexless marriage increases temptation for porn usage. On the other hand, porn usage may lead to a sexless marriage. Either way, sexual fulfillment in marriage either affects or is affected by porn usage.

Biblical Imperative

Though some claim that sex is immaterial in a Christian marriage, Paul said that it is. “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5, New Living Version)

Though not often preached from modern pulpits, this is a command of God. Depriving a spouse of sexual fulfillment is wrong. It is a sin.

How often is enough to obey this command? There may be an answer to that in the health benefits discussed below.

Marital Satisfaction

Many studies could be cited, but common sense and observation told us this before any social scientist tested the hypothesis; marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction go hand in hand. Interestingly, as far as the social sciences are concerned it is somewhat of a “chicken and egg” question. Does a couple’s increased marital satisfaction lead to increased sexual satisfaction, or is it the other way around? I’m currently researching that question through the auspices of the University of Sydney (Australia).

My work with thousands of marriages indicates that when one is not satisfied with the marriage, s/he seldom is satisfied with sex in that marriage. Also, if either spouse is not satisfied with the sex in the marriage, s/he is not satisfied with the marriage either. Maybe it’s so symbiotic that one cannot exist without the other for most couples. One thing is sure, if a husband or wife is dissatisfied with the sexual relationship in the marriage – too little, not sensual enough, too much emphasis on the sensual, poor skills, body no longer in shape, hygiene, hang-ups, you name it – then that person is usually not terribly satisfied with the marriage itself.

God commanded us to fulfill each other sexually in our marriages. Science shows it is a factor in marital satisfaction. If the church believes that divorce is bad and staying married is good, then the church should be clearly teaching the Bible’s sexual command for sexual fulfillment.

Health Benefits

A great deal of study has been done around the world as to the medical affects of achieving fulfillment in a sexual encounter. There isn’t room to cite all the studies, but if you wish to know more a good source is a book published by The Johns Hopkins University Press, The Science of Orgasm.

An Israeli study found that women who regularly reach fulfillment are less likely to have a heart attack. There is associated research from other places in the world that address decrease in the likelihood of endometriosis, reduction of the intensity of cramps, and the like. From sexual interaction with the man there are also benefits that reduce the likelihood of breast cancer.

A British study found that men who regularly reach fulfillment are less likely to have a fatal heart attack. Other studies show that they are less likely to have prostate cancer.

Each time a man or woman reaches fulfillment, oxytocin releases into the brain and body in quantities that promote bonding between the two people. The more a married couple have sexual fulfillment (each of them fulfilled), the more they bond with each other; they become closer and more attached.

Additionally, with each achieved fulfillment, stress reduces, anxiety reduces, and the body’s ability to handle pain improves.

How often are the “fulfillments” that have good health effect taking place in these studies? Think of it this way, the male body produces a new batch of sperm about every 72 hours; that’s the way God made men. If fulfillment were achieved on average every 72 hours, that would be about two to three times per week. That’s about the average that most of these studies found to be medically beneficial. It appears that God made us to have sex with our spouses two to three times per week and that each of us should reach fulfillment. In marriages where that frequency occurs, not only are there health and emotional benefits, but satisfaction with the marriage increases, as indicated earlier. Taking care of one’s body, especially in sexual fulfillment, also helps take care of one’s marriage. It all ties together.

Porn

I realize the danger in discussing this because far too many women have suffered self-doubts about their appearance and ability as a result of their husbands turning to pornography. A lady once told me that she wished she had the money to have plastic surgery from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet so that her husband would want to look at her rather than those women on the Internet. Be assured that I do not in any way wish any woman or man to take blame for the sins of a spouse. Porn addiction is just that; an addiction. Drunks who claim their spouses drove them to drink are just as ridiculous as porn addicts who claim their spouses drove them to porn. Each person makes his or her own decisions. No one makes us addicts; we do it to ourselves.

Also, in this age many enter marriage with a distorted view of sex, sexuality, and sexual fulfillment. The more that people are exposed to porn before they are married, the more likely they are to believe that there are men and women who are always craving sex and that will do anything, anywhere, at any time. Boys and girls who have this as their “teacher” about what sex will be like in marriage are in for a great disappointment and, very likely, a lot of anger when they realize that their spouse isn’t like that. No one is. Not even the porn actors. If a person enters marriage with that expectation then his or her spouse is going to find it nearly impossible to please them sexually. Intense and repetitive education, maybe therapy, perhaps a miracle will work, but the other spouse trying to live up to this spouse’s fantasy won’t.

With that said, allow me to share a few thoughts about how a married couple might use sexual fulfillment to overcome pornography.

In the passage cited earlier, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, note that a major reason to sexually fulfill each other in marriage is “so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” God put our sexual drives within us. He knows how powerful that drive is and how a human that is sexually unfulfilled has a greater likelihood of yielding to temptation. That’s not a new thought; it’s in the verse. If I refuse my spouse the sexual fulfillment that she needs, I am a part of increasing her susceptibility to sexual temptation. If she sins, it is her choice, but this passage states that I helped her become vulnerable to that choice.

In our culture, men don’t have to find lovers or go to prostitutes if they seek sexual fulfillment outside their homes. With the advent of the Internet, porn is readily available and can be viewed in relative secrecy. I have heard from many men and many women that they feel justified in their usage of porn because there is little to no sexual fulfillment in their marriages and “porn keeps me from doing something bad with a real person.” If a wife is not actively involved in sexually fulfilling her husband, or if he is not actively involved in sexually fulfilling her, then yielding to the temptation of porn becomes easier for the unfulfilled spouse. It doesn’t make it right but it can make a person more susceptible. Of course, nothing justifies sin, but perhaps there is a way to “de-porn” at least some, if not many, of those who have yielded to this temptation. How? By obeying 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

This does not mean that a wife becoming a sexual tigress will automatically eliminate her husband’s addiction if he is addicted to porn. Addictions require special help to overcome and no matter how sexually intriguing she becomes, he will return to his addiction until he receives the proper help to heal. She is not the cause of his addiction nor is she the one to heal it. (Change gender in the above sentences if the wife is the addict which can be the case.)

However, it does mean that if a husband or wife is using porn as an occasional outlet for pent up sexual drive or frustration, his or her porn usage may well be precluded by a fulfilling sex life in their marriage.

So, how does a couple do that? What does a Christian wife do to be what her husband needs sexually? What does a Christian husband do to be what his wife needs sexually?

This is the succinct answer: Make lovemaking fun, warm, and regular. You can do anything that both of you wish to do that doesn’t involve another person in reality or fantasy, doesn’t involve bestiality, and doesn’t harm the other. That sums up the Biblical prohibitions. What makes sex right is having it within the confines of the right relationship, marriage as God intended. What makes it wrong is having it with someone outside the confines of that right relationship. But we must realize that a sex deficient marriage is something that will harm our relationship with our spouse and act to keep our spouse fulfilled as Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

Resources to help a sexless marriage:

  • The Love, Sex and Marriage Downloadable Seminar details what role sex plays in a marriage relationship. It also provides expert advice on sexual techniques, how to encourage your spouse to increase frequency of sex, and improving the quality of the sexual experience together. The seminar also provides tips on helping your spouse increase his/her level of desire for sexual activity with you. This seminar is now available in downloadable format for you to listen to on your computer! It includes printable material as well.
  • Our Marriage Helper Seminar is for married couples in danger of separation or divorce. Often times couples come to the seminar who are separated or in relationship crisis because of an affair, anger, lack of trust and for severe lack of sexual fulfillment (to the point that one spouse wants to leave). If your relationship is in crisis, request more information on attending this powerful seminar by completing the form below.

If you and your spouse cannot attend a Marriage Helper 911 weekend or your spouse refuses to get any marriage help, there is still hope. Check out our Save My Marriage Course – where you’ll learn how to bring your spouse back to the marriage. Click the banner below to find out more about it.

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4 thoughts on “Sexless Marriage

  • January 20, 2016 at 5:55 pm
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    This is an excellent article Joe. Unfortunately, there are some spouses, such as my wife, who honestly believe that they do not have a responsibility to make sure that their spouses are sexually fulfilled. My wife recently told me that we should have a wonderful and fulfilling marriage, even if we never have sex again. She is half right in that SHE might be able to do this, but such a marriage will not be with me. Some “marriages” are not really marriages anyway.

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  • August 26, 2016 at 12:08 am
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    I agree this article is good. It covers many fine points. But how does one convince their partners that not only is sex important – but the partner needs to put some form of effort in as well – not simply roll over and request it get over with. We all need to feel desired and loved in our relationships. The absense of any effort builds on the depression, rejection, and loneliness. True, I suppose one is responsible for their own addictions, but the fault is definitely shared. Whether it be alcohol to numb the sense of despair, pornography to heighten self satisfaction one is not getting from their spouse, or the addiction to rage one feels and clings to for being put in a situation. God hates divorce, but what option is left when one has been sexually frustrated for many years and is not being considered at all by their partner? Dispair is a harrowing life experience to lead. Loneliness decays the soul. What relief is there?

    Reply
  • September 4, 2017 at 8:59 pm
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    Great website! Our sexless marriage has most of the pitfall of addiction, porn use, raging from sexual frustration settling into an indifferent roommate situation and I’m blamed for it all. He has quoted the bible that my body belongs to him. Then with a grin admits he’s a sinner when asked to stop porn. When single I watched porn and felt bad about myself and how it changed my attitude towards men. So when I discovered 6 months into my marriage that my husband had started with porn mags in his teens, my heart sunk. I tried understand his “I’ll try to stop” but a year later then 2 years later, it continues. Now 3.5 years later we have a sexless marriage. I have searched the Internet to explain what’s happening. Maybe you can help me. With a pedophile step father I learned hypevigilence to avoid situations where he could abuse me. I was 5 when I saw his porn mags. The run&hide or argue has plagued my adult life. I could control it until now. With my husband it has the objectification and depersonlization of porn I can only describe as being treated like a video. Maybe it’s just my history. Or maybe a lot of women can relate this to why they also are in sexless marriages. My husband doesn’t realize how he compares me to videos but treats me like a one. He wants me in a sexy, to act sexy, boobs up, shaven a certain way, to desire him & orgasm or he gets mad. His ED is due to me.taking to long while I try to get off & stimulate him as well. He sounds like a movie director doesn’t he. I finally told him I run because he keeps doing things Ive told him I don’t like. No foreplay, no emotional intimacy, touching me without warning in ways that trigger anger, staring at my privates while ignoring me. After he is done, he jumps out of bed then has to get ready to go somewhere like work or golf or the store or go do yardwork. He knows all this bothers me yet keeps doing them. The sexual tension and frustration described from him not getting it 3xday everyday is nothing compared to the anger and resentment inside me. He has stripped from me the ability to enjoy sex. Is there research to prove I’m not a lying frigid b**ch denying him for no reason. That all men don’t act like this with the woman the are supposed to love and be faithful to. I crave attention from my husband but refrain because as soon as we start he will do things that trigger my anger of bad childhood experiences.

    Reply

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